lucy71

Hello

I'm posting on here because I feel my OH and I have just made the biggest mistake of our lives and I'm really beating myself up over it- arghhhh!

In a nutshell: we emigrated to oz in 2004. Had a baby in 2006. Decided to move back to Uk so that our baby could get to know family. Had no idea recession was in UK. Hit us badly with jobs etc. Decided to move back to oz in 2010. Mum went mental. Felt so guilty we put it on hold. Decided to move back in 2011 instead.

Flew out to oz end of June 2011. No jobs/ place to live lined up. Son now 4.
Found a short term rental. Very expensive, paying out $750 a week for a one bedapartment in east melbourne.

Initial impressions of being back in oz? Loved it! Winter and 18 degrees with sunny blue skies ! (admittedly it was freaky winter weather by melbourne standards but still bloomin lovely!). We just loved it. Loved the city, the transport, found people to be so friendly and open and warm, our son got to spend lots and lots of time outside at fabulous playgrounds, my friends welcomed me back with open arms, they have children our son's age and he had instant buddies... this was all good.

HOWEVER....!

It was not all good. Couldn't believe how much cost of living has gone up since 2008. Current exchange rate means all our money would be stuck in UK as would lose a lot bringing it over. Couldn't believe how much house prices have gone up. Bananas! Really unaffordable especially for us as first time buyers. Looked at places like Parkdale, Mordialloc but bottom line for us was that we would have really struggled for cash even with us both working. My OH was told that the job market for his field (accountancy) was very stagnant and he started to panic. not good.

Two weeks in, money was flowing out like no body's business and still no contract for my OH. He started mentioning going back to uk. I was stumped. I'd had no thoughts of going back at all as I loved it in Melbourne and could see such potential living there. We kept talking about it and we both kept changing our minds about what to do, things started to get in a pickle in our minds I think.. taking it too seriously I reckon...

He became quite morose and down about cost of houses/ cost of living / jobs and living in a one bedroomed flat with our son was a pressure cooker situation. I started to get really stressed out and it got so bad I felt I couldnt' see the woods for the trees towards the end. I just didn't know what to do and neither did he.

My OH got a 6 week contract after 3 weeks searching but our rent took up a large part of his salary. Money got really tight and we had to watch every penny. Why we didn't just transfer some money over rather than living on our aussie savings I don't know! We weren't thinking straight I think!

My OH started talking about moving back more and more and then I couldn't stop thinking about it and I got so confused I just didn't know what to think anymore. We kept asking ourselves is this bad timing on our part?

I just didn't know what to think and felt very confused as I felt really at home there but could see my OH was very worried about a future in oz even though he loved it too and I was worried for the future too.

He booked plane flights back, even though he told me he had a very heavy feeling in his gut and I did too about it. I hadn't missed home at all since being out there and had a brief blip of feeling homesick in IKEA restuarant but that was it!

Then, he got a call from an old employer asking him to come for a job interview. It was just the sort of job he was looking for. BUT, we'd booked the flights and they were non cancellable. I felt in my gut this was a dream opportunity and he should go for it and we should just change date of flights so we could go back later in year for holiday but he wasn't having any of it, and said money spent now, will have to go back. Gutted.

I spent nearly all that night pleading with him to change his mind but he wouldn't . It seems that all along we were never on the same page about staying or leaving, even right up to the end. It's put an immense toll on our relationship as you can well imagine and now he says it's my fault we are back here in the uk... so I feel I can't talk about my feelings with him...

We returned to UK and people were shocked as we'd only been away a few months. We didn't want to talk about it and said it was for financial reasons. We'd both talked about how we felt about family when we were in oz, and I have to admit that family is a pull for me even though I'm not close to mine at all!

We have been through an immense amount of stress since coming back. Finding somewhere to live, school... I feel so gutted about coming back. Really gutted. My son was very upset when we told him we were moving back because he really loved it out there but now is enjoying school. Life is going on as normal. It's like we never left. But I can't help thinking what if we'd stayed... I feel so stupid that we didn't research the cost of living / houses out there as it was a shock to see how much it had all gone up.

My OH is getting on with things. Has a job, says now he didn't really want to come back but says we are back to regroup, and he hasn't ruled out moving back to oz in the future. This gives me hope as I can't help thinking that you don't regret the things you do but the things you don't do.

I've felt so low about it all, I'm getting chest pains and can't stop thinking about what we could have had in oz. The ADele song sums it up for me!

I've not come on here expecting any sympathy because I feel that what we did was really stupid (to come back that is!), but if there is anyone out there who understands where I"m coming from right now I'd love to hear from you as what we've given up is the first thing on my mind when I wake up and the last thing on my mind when I go to sleep.

I keep telling myself to live in the present, I'm learning meditation even but I just feel that we let our dreams slip through our fingers and that's not a good feeling to have. I almost feel as if we let our fears get the better of us, and so I feel like a real failure for not giving it a go as we love Melbourne even more now than when we left the first time.

best wishes
lucy

toodlepip

Arrgh, your post could almost have been written by my OH and you sound in a similar predicament to us. We moved to Melbourne in 2006, my OH never settled there very well and wanted to come back in 2009. Managed to hold out until deciding last year that I would be ok back here seeing my family & friends and I wanted my children to do their secondary education here.

So we came back at the end of July. I love being back, I love England and have got the kids into fantastic schools. I'm enjoying spending time with my family and friends.

It's taken my OH a while to find a job, he finally has an offer but doesn't start until the beginning of December. He told me he had changed his mind about coming back in the last 6 months and is utterly desperate to return to Melbourne next year. I really don't want to go, wouldn't mind retiring there but I don't want to unsettle my children yet again (they are 11 & 8, also happy here and don't want to go back). My OH is in such a state, he's almost having a breakdown and is on anti- depressants. He begs me all day and night to return. The job offer he has is international so scope for returning but I just
think next year is too soon. I'm hoping that it's unemployment rather than living in England (that he is blaming) that is causing his depression/anxiety and that once he's working he'll improve (and once his meds kick in!)

Not sure I have much advice other than suggesting what we are doing which is
going to Relate - like you we seem on different pages and our relationship has taken a battering. Just wanted to reply as your post struck such a chord with me, feel free to pm me if you'd like a chat. It can be an ugly business this emigrating!

Take care!

Margaret3

My initial reaction is wtf?, why didnt you think about a cheaper suburb, there are lots of good, cheaper suburbs out there. We both work full time with two children and not way in a million years could we afford to stay in parkdale. We cant afford to buy , but that lets us rent in a nice suburb. Although I would love to be able to buy, but there is no way i am living in a shit suburb just to buy a house.

However i can totally sympathize with the pull to family, good luck with the future.

Debbie2NZ

The Adele song sums it up for me writes the OP.

I assume you mean, 'Rolling in the Deep' or, 'we could have had it all' as that's the chorus. Why was that song going round and round in my head as my kiwi husband and I were in the taxi heading to the airport in February of this year ? That's when we were boarding our one way flights to Christchurch, New Zealand. The fact of the fatal earthquake four days prior to our departure was just to bad. We had sold our house, resigned from our jobs, transferred our money via a currency broker to NZ, sent our furniture etc as sea cargo. Our heads and hearts were set for relocation.

We arrived in Auckland as that's where his mother and married sister live. After a week in a B&B we transferred into his sister's mother in laws' basement flat. That just degenerated into soap opera topped off with a row about money with said mother in law. So after two weeks there we high tailed it to Christchurch as planned. Not least as my husband had a job interview arranged via an employment agency in Christchurch. So much for staying in Auckland for six months then. Not helped by the fact that looking for work & accommodation in Auckland was like pulling teeth. Auckland may have been lucky for some, but it's never been lucky for us, not ever.

The job interview in Christchurch came to nothing. So did all the rest that my husband went for. Like the husband of the OP, he's a management accountant. We managed to find a place to rent in Christchurch. I got temporary work in office admin. We watched our savings disappear on a weekly basis. We handed back the rental car to cut costs. I walked to work and back. We collected our groceries on the bus. My husband was losing sleep over the situation and even apologised to me for putting us in this situation by over estimating his worth in NZ. He believed that 20 years overseas experience would make him hugely employable in NZ. I told him, eventually, that was a 1980's attitude.

We got fed up with the earthquakes in Christchurch, it's a primal fear, quite an odd feeling as an adult. It was at that point that we sat down and planned our return to the UK. The three months money we had to live on while looking for work in New Zealand had been spent. We would have had to put all our returning expenses on credit cards and returned to Britain broke, unemployed and homeless. Not nice.

Margaret3

omg deb, hope your luck changes soon

macy

I feel sorry for you, it's a lot to go through. Maybe it became more your dream than your OH. For peace of mind you have to let it go for now and just accept your life as it is, you never know what life has in store but you have to just accept it or you are gonna be miserable.... I really hope things work out for you...

Cheetah7

Lucy, all the reasons that made you return to the UK could resurface if you went back.

Try and make a life with what you have now and where you live now, make peace with what you have and the UK itself.

Only when you become happy and content where you are, will you be able to see clearly and make a better decision for the future.

russmcp

Well my initial observations are that its been ages since I was on here, and reading your long post is that when I close my right eye and look at your text with my left eye, I can see it's time for an eye test!

Of course that does not help you out but as a couple I hope your muddle through and get there (where ever there is) good luck x

lancastrian48

Sympathies, migration leaves the mind in both camps.

aussietobe

I feel for you but how could you back to the Uk in the first place and not know there was a recession on? You must walk around with your head in the sand. next time, do your research!!!!

Kathryn V

Don't be so heartless, we came back in 2008, the same time as Lucy and the down turn only started in the May/June. We arrived back in early March 2008. It was a total surprise to everyone, things had be booming up until then. I do remember my husband talking to the financial planning guy at the bank in May 2008, saying that he thought things were slowing down. The financial planner, couldn't see it! So was it all the bankers who had their heads in the sand, thinking of number 1?!!1

Budawang

Paying out $750 a week for a one bed apartment in east melbourne? Am I missing something here?

Bermudashorts

Agree. We moved back to UK from Bermuda in July 2008 (after resigning in April 2008) and things were just fine then. In my area of work (financial services) things started to get tough around September 2008 after Lehman Brothers collapsed.

mavine1

To the OP, do not beat yourself up on past decisions because for whatever reason, it was the right decision at that time. I think your OH is being very sensible by taking the attitude of re-grouping. I imagine he cares about you and your son very much and has no intention of repeating what happened. If I could give you any advice it would be to accept & cherish what you have and where you are at this moment as a family...because honestly....I don't think looking forward will ever work until you have that. He must feel terrible if he cant be sure giving you want is the right thing, right now. Good luck x

starlight7

I don't get the amount of rent being paid. You could get a beautiful house out in the pretty Eastern suburbs for that money. My daughter rents a house in Carlton for $350 per week- garden, 2 bedrooms etc. right in the city. I have never heard of anyone paying $750 for a 1 bedroom apartment.