Lionda

Babsi........... you seem to be ok with your earnings so jobwise no problem, right? You love your husband, right? You are happy with what you do for a living, right? Your problem seems to be with your mother - sort it out! Moving back to the UK is not the answer, talking is! You really need to talk with your mother and iron a few things out.

Sorry, don't mean to sound patronising, but you have a lot on your mind and I don't think moving away will resolve it.

Fleaflyfloflum

Hi Babsi

You have a lot of things to iron out and it must be so hard for you to think straight.
Can I just give you a couple of pointers in how to help yourself?

Whatever you decide remember it is imperitive that it is YOUR future and that of your child that matters more than anything or anyone else, so make that the top priority.

Secondly, you cannot always control how other people treat you regardless of how important they are to you. It's hard to take that on board when it is your mother or life partner, but ultimately you can can only control how you react to them. There comes a point where, if they cannot or will not change or see things your way, you have 2 choices. Keep the relationship the same and keep getting the same response, or make a decision to butt out and move on in your own direction. Yes, it is heartbreaking to feel rejected, hurt, abandoned etc (i was abandoned by my mother as a baby and adpoted, so i know quite a bit about those emotions!)
It seems to me that you mother has a lot of her own issues to deal with. I doubt you will change her at this late stage in her life and it is up to her to change things not you.

I dont think anyone here is in a position to tell you what to do, but you seriously need to sit down and think the whole thing through, sweeping aside from your mind the attitude of your mother and partner just for a moment, until you actually know what is is you REALLY want. Once you know that for sure then decide how to tackle the relationship problems baring in mind that it is YOUR needs and those of your child that need to be met before anyone else.

Canuck74

Book a flight for yourself and child and don't look back. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

babsi

I don't like Canada, I am not going to go into a massive list of things I dislike but I do think after 7 years here I know 100% for sure that I don't want to be here. I feel something has died inside, like the energy has been sapped. Let's just say I was different before coming here, I came here to be with someone, not the country although I had been before.

England for me isn't the only option, I would be happy in a lot of European countries, I would love to live in Madrid, that would be ideal. We were even thinking of Argentina at one point but I think that is a big no no now.

I just feel I can't talk to my husband about moving away, he keeps saying that he wants to move, but I just feel he is all talk, no action. He likes the safety net of being here. He has a good job and I think he is settled but the thing is he could probably adapt to anywhere, he doesn't care where he is as long as things are ok for him.

I know this has to be sorted out somehow but atm I don't know how to go about things. I read on here about moving abroad and the tough thing is actually making a decision, once it is made it actually happens.

I want to have that feeling of being home, that settled feeling. That is something I have NEVER had here and never will. I want to do boring things like buy furniture and not be constantly thinking, is this a waste of money as I might be moving.

Today, hasn't been too bad. Weekends normally are ok as I don't have time to think about things. I do get out and about, I try my best but Kai is at the terrible 2's stage, so that is another stress.

Sorry I am rambling now, I just need a plan of action and stick to it. Thanks for everyone's advice, it has all been read and just now taking stock of things.

Lionda

As you have already said, it helps to write it down. If any of what people on here has said helps you to think and maybe even resolve your dillemma then it has been a good thing to do. You are not rambling, just speaking your thoughts out loud and I really do hope you come to a decision that benefits all of you. You must try and talk with your mother though to find out where you stand with her and see if you can resolve whatever issues she has with you. Good Luck

babsi

One small question, when you are upset with a person for something really big do you get annoyed with them really easily for small things?

eg. My husband is just irritating me greatly like the way he eats a hot dog, sometimes the way he is with Kai, the way he sleeps. I know it sounds silly.

One thing that he annoys me with is going on about getting my PR card renewed as we can't go anywhere without having getting. it just makes me feel miserable thinking about it.

uk+kiwi

Well I have experienced exactly this, with my husband also.

Really important to try to sort out the bigger issue though or else you can already see how daily life becomes infultrated with the 'anger' and is not as pleasant as it once was.

Mallory

1. Your mum is a narcissist. Look it up on Google, and look at the description. These people never change.

2. You've discussed the child custody thing before I believe. You know if you leave Canada with a Canadian citizen child, that there is an agreement between Canada and UK, and he will be sent back. You could be charged with kidnapping.

3. You seem to have a nice life in Canada. Do what another poster said - make your trips to the UK on a regular basis, and rent a holiday cottage, where you can do your own cooking, etc. If yr mum wants to see you she can, if not enjoy yourself.

quoll

I agree with Mallory!

Only thing I would add is for you and your husband to find a good marriage counsellor and work through some of those issues in a therapeutic environment. Sometimes talking about it can help you come to a liveable compromise.

denzil75

Babsi, I really feel for you going through all this with no-one to talk to. I have to agree with Mallory and Quoll, especially trying to just sit down with your husband and a mutual third party and talk things over. Be honest with each other about how you feel, whether or not you are happy and what you can both do to resolve these issues. You really need to try and sort things out especially with having a little one, I'm sure he would love to have a happy mummy and daddy rather than unhappy ones!

As for the trip to England, perhaps with everything else happening it might be best to postpone the trip for a month or so. I think it is important for you to go back to the UK and take Kai, I'm sure he'd love to see where mummy grew up and also visit the grandparents (even if they might not be in the best of spirits). Just out of interest does Kair have dual nationality?

Remember there are lots of people on here who are more than willing to listen and give advice. Take care.

babsi

Update

Moving back: Nothing much to report, still working on things

My Mum: I have just come off the phone with her. Said yesterday about getting a holiday rental for a couple of weeks, seemed fine with it, today not. Said it was a lot of money to spend, said I shouldn't take Kai away as it unsettles him bascially said no to the idea. Says she doesn't know the situation in April of where she will be living (just lies constantly about things, had this lie for years now). I know she can't stop me from doing it but why does she always have to put a downer on things, I try and do something positive and she throws it back in my face? I give up, I really do, what is the point in bothering? She obviously doesn't want to see me and yes it hurts.

babsi

denzil75, sorry I didn't reply but sometimes I like to take a 'time-out' from the whole situation.

Kai has a Canadian passport but I just haven't got the British passport through laziness and cost. He is entitled to it I know, pretty straightforward, but atm until we move back it is not a pressing priority. in an ideal world he would have it, but atm our world is not ideal.

honeybee

Hello Babsi,

I feel for you but tend to agree with Lionda.
There are many issues in here and the major one seems to be your relationship with your mum. Why do you need her approval so much? Her attitude appears to stem from jealousy?
You have a man whom you love, whom incidentally has taken the step of looking for jobs back in the UK (more than some guys).
I think you have to start thinking of you, your son and your husband and your future. You do not need the go ahead from your mother. The fact that you call her to get her feedback shows that you seek her approval with all your decisions. Being in the UK is unlikely to make your relationship any better!
You must dissect all the issues going on in your head and seperate them. Is it likely that your husband is indirectly becoming a scapegoat for your feelings about your mum? He is only human too and probably sees your mother for what she is and your attempts to 'win' her over. He probably hates seeing you like this and wants you to be far away as possible from her. (I have great but controlling in laws and even my friends have commented how much happier my husband and I are living overseas away from them!)

You seem to be financially stable and that's a good thing (one less thing to worry about), if your husband was as all over the place as you are right now then things would be different. One person in a relationship has to knuckle down and create some sort of normality, perhaps he is trying his best, not easy when the OH isnt happy and projecting that daily. If you are honest with yourself would you be any happier no matter where you are. Remember far away fields are always greener, ( I say that from experience) but in the end it must come from within and from your own immediate family.

What exactly is it that you hate about Canada? Perhaps you blame your location for the situation with your mum?

Sorry, I have asked more questions than I answered but I think you really have to sit down and think through things a bit more. It worries me that people on this thread say to up and leave with your child. There is no harm going for a visit but if it's going to upset you and make you miserable, why bother? Leave your mum be and get on with your life.

rabsody

Good advice.

babsi

After yesterday that will be it with my Mum for a while. I am not going to be spending all that money and she is going to be like that with me. All I wanted to do was spend some time with her, I asked for nothing else. I said that she can stay with me in the rental and she doesn't have to pay anything and all she could say was that I wouldn't let her forget that I was paying My husband can't stand her and yes he has tried with her, for instance he has had no problem with her staying for 3 times in 7 years (once when we got married, 2nd time to see where we moved to, and 3rd when I paid for the trip) but she says that he can't stay with her

Instead we are going to go to Argentina in April (it is bascially swapping the 2 trips over as we were going there October time) so for once in her life my Mum will see that she can't treat me like that anymore.

If I go on about not liking Canada, I will be here all day, but after 7 years I am sure I don't like it.

This morning I was on my husband's laptop and I saw an e-mail come up from an agency about a job for 3 months, so naturally I looked. We have talked about this before and he said he would go on a contract and I wouldn't expect him to go on such a short one. He looked at the e-mail this morning and I saw from a distance and he said nothing. I was kind of expecting him to say something about contacting the agency and say the period is too short and to keep him in mind if something comes up. I wished he had said something about it