What would you do....
 

I'm about to win an award for the world's stupidest thread, but as I'm sure there are people here that have been in the same boat who can tell me what they did in my situation.
So this morning, I got the call that every expat dreads, to say there had been a death in the family. It was my 90 year old grandad. Yes, he served a great innings, had no quality of life after my gran who he'd been married to for 60 years passed away 2 years ago, had rapidly declining health and passed quietly in his sleep this morning surrounded by family including grand kids and great grand kids (almost the perfect way to go if there is one), but obviously it's still tough. More so as everyone keeps telling me how all he used to do was ask how I was. Everyone was pretty sure he held on for as long as he did when my Gran passed to see me and his new great granddaughter once more. It's a safe bet to say we were very close.
The problem arises from work. I'm about 5 weeks into a new job. A job I greatly enjoy. It's also a job where in about 2 weeks, I'll be expected to work long hours with reduced time off as we get slammed during Monterey car week. Asking for time off, albeit just 4 days for a flying visit, is not gonna go down at all well. In fact, they may say no. In fact, I'm sure they will. I already have a few guilty thoughts about not being there, I'm worried these will only increase if I don't attend the funeral, plus knowing I didn't attend to pay my last respects to someone so important in my life is a worry. Then again, if I'm forced to choose between funeral and job, I could be giving up the only chance I have of doing a job in this area that I genuiely enjoy.
So anyone been in this situation? Anyone want to chime in with some well rounded words of advice?

Re: What would you do....
 

I have, but I didn't have an employer that sounds anything like yours. In the end, I didn't attend my nan's funeral, as I had already said my goodbye a month previous.

If I was you, I would expect my employer to offer me compassionate leave for such a situation. If they didn't, I wouldn't be working for them much longer.

As a manager myself, I have absolutely no issue approving compassionate leave for deaths and so forth. It's part of being a good employer.

Sorry for your loss.

Re: What would you do....
 

This happened to me in 2002 with my grandma who was my last surviving grandparent.

Check your bereavement leave policy. Did you get a big employee handbook? I was not the breadwinner when this happened to me, so I was probably not as worried as you are. I left for seven days, but got paid for four which was company policy at that particular place.

Tell whoever your immediate boss that your Grand dad died. Back then, there were bereavement flights available, I haven't had to do it since so not sure how airlines are now. But I got a flight for $600 versus about $1200 at such short notice at the time.

Word of advice - get a copy of his death certificate. I did, though my organization never asked me to provide it.

Re: What would you do....
 

I am sorry to hear of the loss of someone you were obviously close to. It is, as others have said, one of the toughest things about being an expat, especially so far from home.

Ironically the availability of instant communication by phone and email, and travel by long haul jet planes has made the problem worse, because fifty years ago nobody would have expected you to travel back from CA to the UK for a funeral, and a few years earlier you might not even have heard someone had died until after the funeral had taken place.

I've not been in quite that situation, but my mother has always said you go to a funeral for the benefit of the living, not to pay respects to the dead. ...... My sister was in the middle of important studies for her degree when our grandmother died. My sister did not come to the funeral, and nobody thought any less of her for attending to her studies, at least as far as I could tell.

If you're trying to establish yourself in a new job then I wouldn't go back, and I guess your grandfather wouldn't expect you to. Most of the elderly I have known are very pragmatic: once you're gone, you're gone, and the funeral doesn't mean anything to the dead. ...... So how concerned are you that your relatives will be upset at you for not going? :unsure:

Re: What would you do....
 

Not concerned about the relatives. Mum has said she doesn't expect me to come back, and everyone seems so happy that we made it back with my little one before he died that they won't think any less of me. To be honest, that's at the back of my mind anyway. I'm more concerned about me not going and then spending years regretting it.
Horace, my employer seems pretty good, especially compared to the last one I had. It's just in the back of my mind that with the second week of August being their busiest time of the year, by a mile, I'll look like a wanker for bailing. Unfortunately, I live in an area where most people work in either fast food joints or hotels. I did the latter for 2 years, I really don't want to be forced to go back into that industry.

Re: What would you do....
 

When my father died over thirty years ago I didn't know what to do. It was my mother who told me not to return to the UK for the funeral. She said she was surrounded by people, she was busy making the arrangements, and she would rather that I save my vacation time and air fare to be with her in a few months time when she would be feeling very alone. So at the time of the funeral I took a couple of hours off from work and went and sat in Saint Patrick's in NYC and remembered my father.

Re: What would you do....
 

I like this idea. A lot. Thanks for posting.

Re: What would you do....
 

My condolences on the death of your granddad.

When my grandmother died I was due to return to university before the funeral and my parents and granddad all told me I should go and not worry about returning for the funeral. As others have said the funeral in many ways is for those left behind - it's a way of saying goodbye, but it's only one of many ways and you can choose your way.

I do agree with the comment about not working for a company who would not grant compassionate leave, but understand your circumstances, however at the moment it's what you think may happen as oppose to actual fact. Maybe mentioning it to your manager and seeing what they say is the way to go.

Re: What would you do....
 

I am so sorry for your loss markonline1.

If I may...
stop second guessing what your employer might say and just ask for the time to go.

with best wishes
k

Re: What would you do....
 

If you want to go, talk to your employer, I've had some bad employers before but all were considerate and willing to permit an employee some time off for a death in the family. Just part of life, deaths can't be planned and employers generally understand.

When my grandfather died, I was 2 months into a new job right before Christmas, but the company I was with once I talked to them had no issues with my having time off for it, they even gave me confirmed seats on flights to get there. (was an airline) If you want to go, tell your employer, I cannot imagine they would be difficult over it. Not like your asking for vacation time to take a leisure trip.

Now if it were me and that amount of travel involved, I'd only go for parents or siblings and not go for other family members, but everyone is different.


Sorry for your loss, my condolences.

Re: What would you do....
 

Thanks, good advice all.

Re: What would you do....
 

Sorry to hear your news:(

As well as taking time off it will also probably be a very expensive trip. Last minute tickets this time of the year can be outrageous.

So think about this, grandad wouldn't want you to jepordise your job or to put you through financial pressure. The suggestion of taking some time to say your own private goodbye somewhere quiet is very good. We did the same when my sister in law died and then a few months after her funeral my brother arranged a memorial service for her that was easier for us to fly home to. Maybe your family could do something similar.

Re: What would you do....
 

With a cremation the ashes can be buried or scattered at any time, months, or even years,
after the funeral. Perhaps that is something that could be arranged for a time when Mark is back in the UK?

Re: What would you do....
 

Yeah eff the job if they can't understand. It's your grandad and you say you were close, so it isn't even a matter of consideration; you'll keep kickin yourself if you choose the job.

Re: What would you do....
 

Its not quite that simple unfortunately. I'll speak to the boss tomorrow to sound them out, but the job market here is poor. I'm never gonna earn mega bucks living where I do, but I'm currently doing a job I really enjoy. I'd prefer not to just walk away if I can help it. I'm not that religious, but I really like the idea of attending the local church just to collect my thoughts, and remember one of the biggest influences of my life. That suggestion is exactly why I started this thread :thumbup:

Re: What would you do....
 

I would ask your employer for minimal time off to go to the funeral. It would have to be a pretty unreasonable employer to react negatively to your request and hold it against you.

I've managed to get back for all close family funerals bar one. I'm glad I did.

Re: What would you do....
 

I know the Monterey area pretty well. And you're right -- if you aren't a self-employed professional, then there aren't that many jobs that don't involve swilling food, booze and/or bedsheets for tourists, even during the strongest of economies. (It's a beautiful place, but professionally, it's mostly a backwater.) So your point about the job situation in the area is well taken and accurate.

If you don't need to attend the service for the sake of your own closure or helping the family find theirs, and if your assessment of your employer is accurate, then you should seriously consider staying. It's an unfortunate choice, but one that can't be dismissed. In any case, it is correct that funerals are for the living, and depending upon your circumstances, your family may be better off if you visited during a time when they can focus on you instead of now when they have to dwell on other matters.

However, if it will eat you up inside if you don't attend, then you may just have to bite the bullet and take a risk. Only you know the answer to this.

My sincere condolences to you.

Re: What would you do....
 

I couldn't agree more. Nutmegger had a great idea as well.

Re: What would you do....
 

I was very close to one of my granddads and I am very sorry you are in this position, and for your loss.

If it was me I would do what is the right thing for your family. Putting your job at risk is not in their best interests. You may have to live with some regrets for not going to the funeral, but I would suggest the regrets if you do might be worse. Your granddad would understand.

Re: What would you do....
 

Thanks everyone. some great advice here. I'm feeling better than I did a while ago. I'm gonna mention it to my boss tomorrow, but I already feel confident I can say goodbye without actually being at the funeral. Thanks again all.

Re: What would you do....
 

Life is all about comprises . It gets more complicated when there is just not YOU to consider in the equation.

I think you are doing what you feel is right.

Re: What would you do....
 

So sorry to hear about loss Mark - everyone has given really good advice, so I can't really add much more, but just wanted to say I was thinking of you.

Hoffage

Re: What would you do....
 

Thanks once again for the messages, both here, via the karma button and via pm. It's very much appreciated.

Re: What would you do....
 

Sorry to hear about your grandad. 90 is a good innings, but that doesn't minimise your loss.

Jobs come and jobs go, but the regret you may feel for not attending his funeral might last a lifetime.

Re: What would you do....
 

Sorry to hear about your loss! :(

Re: What would you do....
 

My grandfather recently passed away, and whilst I had no issues being approved for time off, the question of whether or not the funeral justified the expense was definitely asked.

In the end, it came down to an easier question of "would he have come to my funeral?". Without question, the answer was yes he would.

So, despite the expensive flights, etc, I had no problem going back for his funeral. I "get" that he probably wouldn't expect you to come out, but he likely would have come to yours if the shoe was on the other foot.

Just my two cents.

Re: What would you do....
 

Sorry to hear about your loss. If your boss is OK with you going and you can afford it, I would go but as others have said, your Grand-dad would probably prefer you spend your money and time wisely. Your memories will be still with you and hopefully those memories will be passed down by you to your children.

I often wonder what it must have been like in days of exploration of the US with people just upping sticks to another unseen land, never see your family again. You would know it was a dangerous journey but somehow it promised a better life than staying where you were. No forums to ask what should I do, what visa do I need, will I like the weather LOL. I couldn't imagine living in Texas without air conditioning. Even worse, really hot one day and freezing next because you wouldn't know there was a front about to blow down from Canada.

Re: What would you do....
 

I agree with these guys - funerals are for the living, not the dead. I never went back for my Grandad's funeral and quite honestly I hadn't thought about it until reading your post. I loved my Grandad, he was a great guy. Seeing him in a box was not how I wanted to remember him. I still cherish the memories of him alive. But if you think it may eat you up, go.

Edit To Add ... I did attend my Grandmother's funeral (his wife); I remember I did that because of my Grandad; I knew HE would like the fact I was there. But with the death of my Grandad, that 'generation' was gone and for his funeral it would just be his children - my aunts and uncles and a bunch of cousins, who quite frankly I didn't care too much for. I care for my mom, and I knew she understood that I didn't want to attend, so all was well.

Re: What would you do....
 

....I am sorry you've lost your grandad - someone so dear to you and so especially meaningful in your life.

By now Mark, you've probably decided exactly what you're going to do - with regard to going back for his funeral.
The important thing to keep in mind is that whatever your decision - it's one you agonized over - long and hard.

Going forward, it's important to not feel the guilt or regret you worried about in your post.
Such thoughts/feelings are corrosive, debilitating and ultimately - unhealthy. They serve no purpose other than to bring us down!

and...2 final thoughts.....in case you've decided you won't be going back:

1.You can 'be' at the funeral without being present physically:
What Nutmeggar suggests can result in your being more present and 'at one' with your granddad than actually being at the funeral itself.

2.Why not write a letter to your mum?
Talk about your grandad, tell her how much he's always meant to you and why. Recount some of your most cherished memories of him, some of the funny, wild, outrageous and dear things you recall......

Just doing that will bring you even closer to your grandfather - and it would be something that, I'd imagine, would be a gift to your mum.

She might even share it at the funeral - and, in that way, you would most definitely "be there"

OTOH....perhaps you're now on a plane....and on your way

Whichever decision you've finally made....it's the 'right' one for you.

Re: What would you do....
 

I did similar when my aunt died. At the time of her funeral I sat quietly...thinking about the times we had spent together.

Re: What would you do....
 

I missed my grandad's funeral because my husband didn't feel he could take the time off to watch the children and I had no one else to take care of them.

Instead I wrote down my thoughts about how much I adored my grandad and what an wonderful figure he'd been in my life, and someone else read them for me at the funeral.

I'm sorry for your loss xx

Re: What would you do....
 

I'm with those who say, "Don't go". You respect your grandfather's memory; everybody in your family knows that; being at the funeral in person wouldn't change either of those facts, or enhance them.

Re: What would you do....
 

Once again, thank you to everyone that has taken the time to add to this thread. It really is greatly appreciated. There's some great advice been given out.
So, my work has been great. I told my boss I was reluctant to leave our operation short during our manic week. His response, let me deal with that. He also told HR that I should go. That means a lot to know I seem to be working for a half decent employer. I am however swaying towards not going. My mother has offered to pay for my ticket. It's gonna be around 3.5k. That would pay for 2 trips over here to see her granddaughter. I know what my grandad would say about that.
I said previously, I like the idea of taking time out to do my own thing. I also like the idea of writing something down to have read out.
Once again, thanks again for all the words and advice.

Re: What would you do....
 

Sounds like an understanding employer. Some years ago one of our members had been in the UK for Christmas and the NY. Shortly after she returned her father died. Her boss told her if she took any more time off she needn't come back. Nice eh? :blink: