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-   -   What to do when.............. (https://britishexpats.com/forum/trailer-park-96/what-do-when-515414/)

nicola411 Feb 20th 2008 12:53 am

Re: What to do when..............
 
You can't blame your wife and step-child for not wanting to leave their homeland and emigrate to the UK. They have already suffered the death of a husband and parent and have a strong relationship with their own family who no doubt supported them through some very difficult years. Emigrating is a personal choice and not for everyone.

I agree with other poster here. Your wife is probably just trying to do what she feels is best for her child and with the death of her husband that adds in all kinds of extra parenting pressure. I personally see her putting her child first as a representation of good values and loyalty.

So I think you should just hang in there. Try and see the positive and maybe bring up the move again in a few months. I know it kills not to be able to talk about it, but I found that worked with my husband. Now we just have to sell up and then we can go home, but that in itself will probably take a year.

Chin up chuck:D
x

JAJ Feb 20th 2008 4:10 am

Re: What to do when..............
 

Originally Posted by gazza64 (Post 5954510)
Thanks for your replies.

Just to clarify my position.

My step daughter is 9yrs old, she`s extremely attached to her Grandparents,so doesn`t want to move to the UK. Her father,(my wife`s first is dead so there`s no legal reason why she can`t leave the USA). I have really tried to beat the homesickness, but i just can`t seem to shake it off. My wife knows how i feel, and it`s caused conflict between us sometimes. It`s kind of weird cos in my late teens and twenties i did a lot of backpacking thru Europe, Asia and OZ and was hardly ever homesick. What makes thing`s worse is that i`ve just started a new job, and this being the USA, means i can`t take any holiday for the first 6 mths, and only then i can take 1week! So, i can`t even go visit the UK. I did go visit in Oct2007, and it was wonderful, i didn`t even mind the cold weather, especially as we were living in Florida at the time. I was planning a trip over in March 08, but with the new job, that`s obviously off now.
I guess, i just to work out what i really want. IE USA= wife,marriage,stepdaughter,dire homesickness or UK= home, sense of belonging, the UK, family and friends and probable divorce.

And if they did agree to move to the U.K. (for your sake) isn't there a good chance that your wife and daughter would feel just the same way, or worse?

If your marriage means anything to you, then the well-being of your wife and step-daughter has to be Number 1 on your priority list, and if that means you need to stay in the United States for the foreseeable future, then that's the way it will have to be (unless you want to divorce).

No-one here can discern the specifics of your situation, but it appears that they've had a tough time with the death of your wife's first husband and need the familiarity of their home country and family surrounds right now.

It is possible that your wife's reaction to you spending an extended time in the U.K. is because she is concerned about you maybe not coming back.

If you do decide to stay with them, you may help yourself by deciding that America is going to be your home too, not just somewhere that you are living temporarily. Maybe your wife will feel differently when your step-daughter is older, but don't count on it.

And as someone else suggested, it would be a good idea to get some professional assistance, counselling etc.

Hope you can work things out.

honeybee Feb 20th 2008 12:04 pm

Re: What to do when..............
 

Originally Posted by JAJ (Post 5957191)
And if they did agree to move to the U.K. (for your sake) isn't there a good chance that your wife and daughter would feel just the same way, or worse?

If your marriage means anything to you, then the well-being of your wife and step-daughter has to be Number 1 on your priority list, and if that means you need to stay in the United States for the foreseeable future, then that's the way it will have to be (unless you want to divorce).

No-one here can discern the specifics of your situation, but it appears that they've had a tough time with the death of your wife's first husband and need the familiarity of their home country and family surrounds right now.

It is possible that your wife's reaction to you spending an extended time in the U.K. is because she is concerned about you maybe not coming back.

If you do decide to stay with them, you may help yourself by deciding that America is going to be your home too, not just somewhere that you are living temporarily. Maybe your wife will feel differently when your step-daughter is older, but don't count on it.

And as someone else suggested, it would be a good idea to get some professional assistance, counselling etc.

Hope you can work things out.


A horrible predicament but I tend to agree with the above. Your wife and the child would probably feel very out of place in the UK so you wouldnt be very happy either seeing them miserable. If you really love her you will wait until the kid grows up. In the grand scheme of things 9 years will go by quickly.

All the best in whatever decision you make.

ladyofthelake Feb 20th 2008 1:45 pm

Re: What to do when..............
 

Originally Posted by gazza64 (Post 5951841)
One spouse wants to go back to the UK, and the other wants to stay or can`t leave?

Hi, my wife and i currently live in the USA. I`m English and she`s American. I`ve been here for just over 1 year and have tried really hard to fit in here, but just can`t. Sometimes i feel as though i `m fine living here , but then something out of blue sets the severe homesickness off again. I don`t dislike the USA, but i love the UK more. That`s where all my family and friends are, other than my wife. Also, what makes thing`s harder is that my wife cannot leave the US due to having a child from her first marriage who absolutely refuses to leave the US, and obviously i can`t come between my wife and her child. I know that the only real choices i have are 1, stay and be unhappy in the US or 2, go back to the UK without my wife, and probably divorce. Has anyone else been in a similar situation to this or can anyone else think of any other choices?

Thanks.

Gaz

During my first few years here I felt the same, could've written the text in bold myself. But time changes things, and now those feelings of homesickness don't come as often and here feels more like home. It might work out for you like that too, or it may not. But, if the only problem between the two of you is your homesickness, don't you owe it to your marriage to give it more time? This place can become like a comfortable pair of shoes that have been worn in for a while, but it doesn't happen overnight. I have to admit, the homesickness doesn't completely go away, I don't think it ever will, but you can become accustomed to your new home over the years, and it balances out the things you miss. I know if I left the US, there would be just as many things I would miss from here that I miss from the UK now.

gazza64 Feb 20th 2008 6:52 pm

Re: What to do when..............
 
Hi, and thanks for the replies.

I don`t blame my wife or my step daughter for wanting to stay here, in fact if our situation was different my wife would want to give the UK a try, but because my step daughter is extremely close to her grandparents, my daughter wouldn`t want to be apart from them, and so my my wife can`t leave her, which i totally understand, and i don`t blame or feel ill feelings towards either of them. I don`t feel i need any counselling etc, but i do feel frustrated by the situation. I`m caught in the proverbial rock and a hard place.
I think i will give this new job a try and get more American friends, and then see how i feel. Though, i am still pissed off for not being able to take time off for a least 6 mths! Then this is the USA!

chicagojlo Feb 20th 2008 7:18 pm

Re: What to do when..............
 
I can't help but wonder how you would feel if you did leave them and go back to the UK. A lot of people have gone back and realised that what they missed isn't there any more. Imagine giving up what you are contemplating giving up and finding out it was for nothing.
I'd also venture to say that your frustration at not being able to go back is making you want to go even more. Maybe if you book a short trip for when you can manage it, having that something to look forward to would ease the pressure. Even having some family members or friends come and visit you would be a start.

SagenOnion Feb 20th 2008 9:10 pm

Re: What to do when..............
 

Originally Posted by gazza64 (Post 5960093)
I think i will give this new job a try and get more American friends, and then see how i feel. Though, i am still pissed off for not being able to take time off for a least 6 mths! Then this is the USA!

Maybe you could also make some new expat Brit friends as well. If you are in an area popular with BEs you could meet up and pour your hearts out over and ale or six. I personally know a number of expats who would return in a heartbeat if their situations were different.

Good luck to you.:)

gazza64 Feb 20th 2008 9:37 pm

Re: What to do when..............
 
chicagojlo

When i went back to the UK in Oct it was wonderful. In fact the only reason i did come come back was because of my wife and daughter. There`s many thing`s i love about the US, but as i said in an earlier post, i love the UK more. I`ve only been in the US just over 1 year, but in that time i`ve tried to lead an American life by taking an interest in US politics, sports, even using American words, but i still feel very English. I`m very proud to be English.
I live close to St. Louis,MO. I think there`s a Scottish/British Pub in St.Louis somewhere, so i may go check that out.
ladyof the lake, you`re right, i should give it more time, and i will.

TruBrit Feb 20th 2008 9:41 pm

Re: What to do when..............
 

Originally Posted by gazza64 (Post 5956669)
Thanks all for the advice, i really appreciate it.

I do love my wife very much, but i do have the pull of the UK. Seems i`ve got an important decision to make!

Anyway, Cheers for now.


it's a tough call gazza, i know.....just to say all the best and good luck.


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