markonline1

I was about the same. I had been coming here for years on vacation, so thought I knew the place. I quickly found out visiting here and living here are wildly different. Nearly 10 years later, I feel completely at home. After 20 years I should, but the Facebook group I’m a member of is just full of stuff going on back in the uk, or people trying to find British items over here, so I guess some people never feel at home over here.

Derrygal

I have lived here for over 30 years. Moved in 1990 - truth is - I don't really fit in anywhere. The longer I live here, the more I find things I don't like. I am too old to make the move back (69) and my kids and grand-children keep me here - or I should say I choose to stay because of them. I couldn't leave them.

strat

29 years, arrived 1993, pretty much word for word as you describe….

username.exe

I've been an expat for about 15 years' total between Canada and the US.
My observation is those expats who establish friendships and links in the community tend to transition better than those who seek to stay in closer "expat" circles and seek out pople from back home. Not saying it's the same for everyone, but the ones that go home tend to be that way.

Pulaski

That's what my sister did in France. Her French wasn't fluent, she never found employment, and she spent most of her time hanging out with friends from England, Australia, and IIRC the Netherlands. After seven years she left France having had next to no engagement with French society or the economy other than buying groceries. Even most of the tradesmen she hired to help with the farmhouse they (her husband was also an a-hole British) were renovating were English-speaking expats.

robin1234

In my case, I’m not really a big one for friendships or community involvement. As far as I know, I’ve never met a British expat in my 45 years living here. (Well, maybe a couple of college professors..) The big thing was work. In my case, I got a warm fuzzy feeling for that slab of $$ going into my bank account and my 403b account every two weeks. Sure, I gradually made sincere work-related friendships. When I retired in 2013, I was almost ready to leave here (rural, hard scrabble town with some good, wild rivers nearby but not a lot else.) I’d have been happy to move to a city, New York, Chicago, Portland, ME, or some such. I’d feel at home in a city, not so much in this small town as a retiree. However, my wife has voluntary jobs and boards of trustees and such, so we can never actually leave.

markonline1

That would almost certainly be true in my case. I have made some very good friends over here who are all American. There’s quite a big expat community here in Monterey, but I’ve made no attempt to befriend any of them. Not to say I wouldn’t, but I’m not going to go out of my way to befriend people just because they are BrIts.

Steerpike

I arrived as a visa holder in 83, became a PR circa 85, but didn't bother becoming a USC until 2008. For me, the big deal was getting the PR. Until then, I was tied to the one company that sponsored me and I felt like I had little financial security. Once I got the PR, I bought a house (ie, got a mortgage), and later changed jobs, and felt like a regular native. Becoming a USC was a minor step in comparison; sure, I could join the army, or work for a defence contractor - whoop-te-do. And of course I could vote (and I'll admit to being symbolically pleased to be able to vote for Obama!), but really, nothing changed. The only real benefit of being a USC is that I clear customs faster when I travel, but I never had any delays as a PR.

I was ecstatic about being here by the end of my first month; my job was fantastic, the pay was great, my co-workers were upbeat, I found a wonderful apartment overlooking the ocean in SF, I was eating the best food I'd ever discovered, and the sky was blue every day. Only as I got much, much older did some of the downsides, like health insurance, become apparent; but on balance, I wouldn't change it for anything.

The biggest factor in being happy here, it seems to me, is whether you really wanted to be here in the first place. The people who are most unhappy here tend to be the 'reluctant spouses' who came with their partners, or those that came here for marriage (but not for the country).

Harveyspecter

Very true.

sid nv

I'd like to see some clarification on what constitutes expat failure. OP defined this failure as expatting for less than 12 months, but now we seem to be veering into "failure = feeling unhappy".
Surely one can be considered as expat passed if expatted for longer 12 months, even if feeling unhappy?

baggy1971

How long is a piece of string?......I'm not sure there's any definition or constraint and I would think that everybody's circumstances would make this definition different for their own case. If you were born in the UK but died in the US....I'd say you're a definite successful expat. If you don't.....then maybe you're not.

Does it even matter??...probably not. Let's not put boundaries on ourselves. Life is hard enough already.

Let's just say that adding to life's experiences by being worldly enough to have delved into other cultures, makes us better people.

Pulaski

You do seem to enjoy presuming to speak for other people.

baggy1971

Funny you should say that, but......

Jerseygirl

You two need to get a room.

baggy1971

We tried, but the desk clerk said he was too old to be my dad and only a parent could sign the credit card transaction. (The dentures might have given it away)

Never mind. We'll find another way....me....Pulaski....and poor silicone spatula....that he promised me would be fun.