Step parenting advice needed please
 

Unusual request I know, but I have 3 step kids 25,26,27 all left home and leading own lives.

They rarely speak to each other and only one stays in touch with their mother... My wife wants a freezer for Christmas so I thought this would be a great group gift from all 3 and the grand kids $180 to split between them I thought would be doable now I sent out a message via facebook to all 3 of them stating that she would love this gift and coming from them and the grand kids would be excellent, I even offered to help them with the first $80-$100 so even less to split between the three of them.....

One of them replied saying, they are not used to doing group gifting and they had something in mind, another replies they thought it would be great and they will chip in $60 and the one that remains in touch with their mother has never replied or hinted that they will go in on the gift.... I ordered it anyway $200 and am more than disappointed with all but one yet they will be here over the Christmas period, expect to be waited on hand and foot by their mother expect food and lodging, blah blah......

My quandary is do I tell the one that offered to chip in, others didn't and I will just put it from the grand kids?...Do I say its just from from me?.... Her kids are her life, I know this we have had words in the past about how they visit and treat my home like a doss house and come unexpected when I work all hours and hardly see the woman I love....

Never having kids myself I have had to put up with a lot from them, done a lot for them and get little in return from them.......

Advice please!!!!

Re: Step parenting advice needed please
 

Unfortunately Wolfy, kids on the whole tend to be a disappointment. In your shoes I'd go for the quiet life and keep things on the QT. Nothing to be gained by shattering the missus' illusions and blood being thicker than water, somehow all of this will be your fault and you'll get it in the neck at the end.

Personally, I would count my blessings that your good lady is content with a freezer in her Christmas stocking and isn't one of these fancy types hankering after perfume, jewelry and other useless trinkets that'll cos you an arm and a leg. You've got a keeper there, mate. Don't go blowing it with daft ideas about telling her the truth about her ungrateful sprogs as no good will come of it.

Re: Step parenting advice needed please
 

Why not just say that you and the one kid did the freezer between you? Don't make disappointed noises about the others. Focus on the positive. I think in her place I'd rather think "How lovely of hubby and sprog" than "how nasty of those ungrateful wretches". :)

Re: Step parenting advice needed please
 

I had thought of that too Speedwell, but it occurred to me that the one who has the other grand kid will be put out by this fact as she has the biological grandchild, yet she has not been in touch to say yes or no in chipping in and I would be the bad guy for not putting all of their names on it! or get the question of why? Therefore putting me in the position in telling her the truth about her kids.

My options as I see it with outcomes:

1. Put everyone's names on it, take no money will make the kids more complacent and expect me to do it every year and for her birthday, which I will not do again for them as I tried!

2. Put the names of those who chip in and get ill feeling from those that didn't, but its their own fault, they logged onto Facebook and saw the message and I know this because they have posted since on their pages! Maybe wifey will see the other two for who they really are....

3. Just put it from the Grand kids and take no money off anyone....Outcome, wifey will think her kids chipped in, unless they decide to tell her the truth!

4. I just put my name on it, but one who wanted to chip in may feel left out and rightly so as they offered......

I maybe reading too much into it and as I said we have had words about her kids having no consideration for our home or me when I am home, they just take over the place and mess it up...... I was talked into spending $2000 on a sectional couch with recliners which I love and had never had before and is my domain to relax when I get time to do so, but they come, fall asleep feet up, spill stuff, I know accidents happen.... And we have have discussed that if thats the case we dont deserve nice things or I at least refuse to buy them!


Such a Dilemma..... I think whatever I do there is going to be a kickback of some kind!

Re: Step parenting advice needed please
 

I would send one more message along the lines of:

"Freezer is on the way! <One who replied>, I'll have your name on the card - would you like the kids' as well? <One who hasn't replied>, if you're interested in chipping in, just let me know by Friday how much and which names you'd like on the card, otherwise, I'll assume you are doing your own thing. <One who is known to be doing their own thing>, no worries - I'm sure she'll appreciate whatever you get."

This post is informed by experience with flakey friends - I could not have any less of an idea about (step)-kids!!

Re: Step parenting advice needed please
 

The one thing you shouldn't do is put it from the kids who didn't contribute.

The thing that screws it up is that it's a bit late for the one who did offer to go and find another present. If they can't get anything else in time you should add their name and yours to the gift. I don't see why the others would be so annoyed, they turned down the offer, you didn't do it behind their back.

Re: Step parenting advice needed please
 

I agree with this. Group gifts are always a bleeding nightmare.

Re: Step parenting advice needed please
 

I would NOT have gone ahead and bought it after pretty much getting a less than stellar response.

Re: Step parenting advice needed please
 

I too agree with this :thumbup: I think it's sad when kids don't put the effort in for their parents. I think you are doing a great things despite the lack of response by your step kids. I am having my step-mother-in-law over for Christmas and I can't wait, I just wish she would stay with us, she is insisting on staying in a hotel :unsure:

Re: Step parenting advice needed please
 

I'm another one that agrees with this. If you get no more responses, send it from you and the kid that did respond.

The others have no justification to feel put out and if they do, quite frankly they need to grow up, they're not teenagers anymore. You're not agravating the situation any here IMO and should feel no shame in putting the names down of those who contribute.

Re: Step parenting advice needed please
 

I don't agree, (not the bit about they shouldn't be affronted, I agree with that) BUT sadly it could well turn into a real donnybrook, depends on whether or not your wife gets pulled into it....... It ought not to get sticky (in a perfect world), but if the other kids have been twits, then it might. Your well meaning gesture could blow up in your face. Also, it isn't going to make your stock go up with the stepkids. You can't MAKE them or GUILT them into doing the right thing. Obviously there's a short circuit in their wiring on gratitude and at this late date in their lives, you can't instill it, NOR IS IT YOUR JOB TO!!!. Maybe it was because it was YOUR idea that they're resisting, who knows?

Re: Step parenting advice needed please
 

Speaking as a wife who absolutely loves all of her kids (including the one that belongs to both my current husband and myself) just let it go! If she doesn't know her own children's shortcomings by now, you telling her will only create friction. I wouldn't even put a gift tag on it, just say here you go. The ones that weren't interested won't have to squirm and the one that did will be happy, I guess.

In the end, it's a life's lesson, isn't it? Next time don't try and round them up for a big present and just leave them to their own gift giving.

Re: Step parenting advice needed please
 

Just put a card on it saying it is from Santa and the Bad Elves....she will figure it out;):lol:

Re: Step parenting advice needed please
 

The morale of this is...never buy your wife a birthday or Christmas gift that is useful...or something you plug in. Ask my husband...he knows. :lol:

Re: Step parenting advice needed please
 

Perhaps I am sensitive to my wives kids, she says if I have an issue with them, then we have an issue, perhaps we do, I work hard, get no time with her and when one kid shows up with husband and grandkid and I did not know they were coming and as it was the weekend of her chrsistmas party, the kid was expecting to go as well and asking my opinion of what to do I said no, its the only time we will get together this month as a couple! and after getting to the party not everyone shows up, wifey puts me on the spot in front of her boss asking if I would go get said kid who is 26 yrs old....what am I to say...NO? I hate being put on the spot!!!!

Perhaps, but I have given my all to her and I know she goes all out to get me gifts I would never be able to afford or even think of, but we do need a freezer....Just thought it wouldve been a great group gift and bring the kids together! Guess it serves me right in trying to prove I do not have an isue with the Kids

I wish the kids and their kids would stay in a hotel! If I am honest, they are spoiled, have no consideration for others and out for themselves! Bleedin spongers!!!! Sorry but they give me cause to have issues with them

Perhaps, then again all the better to show them up for who they really are, they took the side of their biological father who incidentally, yet here is someone that wants to reach out to them does not want to know but when money may be on the way to them...."oh yes he is a keeper", but in return when the show is on the other foot...I see them for who they really are....Blood is thicker than water, makes you blind also!

This maybe the answer....and refuse to say who its from, then again if the kids who refused try to claim it...I may blow up call em lairs and tell them what I think of them...hmmmm again dilemma!!!

I am beginning to thing of not buying anything ever again, it is abused, not appreciated by others, slobbed on yadda!


In all honesty I feel like dragging my wife back to England! Let the kids find their own airfare to visit which I know would never happen, but they would maybe appreciate what they have or had???? I have no one to get advice from personally or even speak to, everyone I know knows my wife and would report back, well I kind of do and know he would say..... Tough they dont like it then tough, dont let them in the house.....Which in itself is another problem if I refuse to have them over when I am off... I have worked a whole month without a day off, rarely see my wife unless I call into her work before I go to work and now we have the kids and their kids over for the holidays....every day I get off the kids are over, I feel its a conspiracy!!!

FOOTNOTE I know there are a few people here that are friends with me on Facebook, please do not repeat or offer advice on Facebook!



After seeing the posts here I may just do the following as 2 of them have replied privately:

Thank you to those of you who offered to chip in to your mothers gift, It was a a kind gesture of you and will not be forgotten, however I can not now accept as I have decided to buy it anyway and put from just the grand children and Grandpa or even Santa and the bad elves!

I would like to gather them all together and say to them as their mother is working Christmas day! " Gee thanks for the support, your mother would think you are the most wonderful kids in the world by getting her this freezer, by working together you have set aside your differences at a time of religious celebration and happiness and just pulled together and forget what issues you all have..."

But who am I kidding, I would be the bad guy no matter what.....and these kids call themselves good Christians???? Wow.. There is more to the story of the kids I have not let you in on and for the reason of diluting the results of the advice I seek....

Thank you to all who have responded , I guess I have some deciding to do!!

Re: Step parenting advice needed please
 

Sounds like there is more to the story of your wife too.

Hope it goes well!

Re: Step parenting advice needed please
 

Wolfy, I will share with you some advice I received when dealing with a particularly difficult family member:

One you have made an offer, you should not rescind it once existing issues start to have their inevitable effect. You were big enough to make the offer, now be big enough to deal with the predictably difficult response. You knew the sort of people you were dealing with, you thought this was worth trying anyway (because it was/is!!) - now it's up to you to muddle through to the end.

Do NOT remove the possibility of the kids' contribution to the gift. As Anian pointed out, the person who indicated they would like to contribute would now have a hard time finding a new gift in time.

A philosophy I (now) try to follow: conduct yourself in a way that would appear reasonable to someone who is not a party to the existing issues. (I don't mean be a beacon of light and kindness, just act with reason.) Once the dust settles and you have made it through the stage of burning frustration, your own thoughts are going to settle back to a more reasonable level. You are going to reassess your actions in 'the light of day' and, quite aside from any family fallout, you don't want to be in a position where you regret your own actions.

I don't think I'm pushing it too far with an absolute here: one Christmas present has NEVER resolved a family's cycle of poor behaviour. On the other hand, in my experience, this is exactly the sort of thing that could cause major bad feeling. You are more than half-way to making a decent fist of a crappy situation - don't stop now!

tl;dr - Stick with your initial generous instincts. That's who you are - don't let yourself get dragged down by others :)

Re: Step parenting advice needed please
 

My take on it is this: If the freezer is purchased with your money and one of children's money, then the gift tag should include just your name and that child's name. It is completely unfair not to publicly acknowledge their contribution to the purchase of the gift or to put their names on a gift they did not help to purchase. In fact when they give their real gift, the one child who did contribute will look like someone who didn't care enough because they didn't buy an individual gift as well.

As for the remaining children, they will give to their mother has they choose to or not.

Your wife is not a child nor are her children minors. Each should stay on their own when acknowledging their mother and her worth to them.

Re: Step parenting advice needed please
 

I agree with Rete. Just say it's from you and the one kid who chipped in. You don't have to mention that the others didn't want to.

Re: Step parenting advice needed please
 

Ditto :thumbsup:

Re: Step parenting advice needed please
 

You have all contributed well to my dilemma and I thank each and every one of you and here is what I have decided to do:

I will firstly send a text to my step daughter and ask if she has seen the email on FB and if she would like to contribute to the gift and there will be no pressure if she decides not too, I am not even going to tell her that one of her brothers who has 2 kids of his own ( NON Biological) and to which I have sent him another email thanking him very much in that he will be making his mother very happy! His sister will have to find out on Christmas day who it was from and if the wife asks why just them, I will bow out of the discussion and tell her I dont know, she will need to take that up with said daughter and other son to find that out!

By sending a text or calling her she can not squirm out of it by saying she never saw a message or her Facebook was playing up! I believe in giving second chances!

The kids are my wife's life and knew this before we became serious and I accepted the fact and I will not upset the apple cart so to speak and Have no serious issues with them apart from what I have already mentioned.

The son that is contributing , assuming he keeps his word was the very first relative I met and he was still living at home when I met my wife and know he has more of an attachment than the others!

Again I thank you all and will tell you how it pans out!

Merry Christmas to one and all!

Re: Step parenting advice needed please
 

I can't wait :rolleyes:

Re: Step parenting advice needed please
 

Wolfy, I think that's a great plan :thumbsup:

It sounds like there will inevitably be some family issues over the festive season, but I hope you manage to bypass them as best you can!

Re: Step parenting advice needed please
 

Maybe they aren't trying to squirm out of it, but don't want to say 'no.' You've asked once, leave it at that, if they wanted to put in they would have done. They may have already bought her a gift, and so what if it's a pair of slippers that she doesn't need, at least it is from them.

Of course the kids and her grandkids are your wife's world, whose aren't?

And tbh, if I was your wife, come Christmas Day you would be the one in the bad books for buying me an f***ing freezer for Christmas.

Re: Step parenting advice needed please
 

Whilst I respect your opinion as every one is entitled to one I am taking your post to be a little on the hostile side as there are no emotes within it and an expletive and seems like you are bashing someone else husband for trying to do good and restore faith in humanity, however I said there was a back story some of which 2 weeks ago they did ask what we wanted and told them I didnt know, well the one whom I have had no reply from, but they were asked in November and I know that they had nothing in mind at that time, but agree if they wanted to they would indeed have said yes or at very least replied. One already said no which I acknowledged and thanked them for replying, the other has said yes they wanted and again they got a reply from me, but the third has not replied in any way shape or form, text, voice, email...Nothing...( Yet it is they that seeks attention, leaches blah blah) Commitment from the wife's kids is not a word very widely used in their vocabulary...I offered them a life line or an idea if you will as they always struggle getting her something she wants.

my wife has been banding around the fact that she wants a freezer to her Dad, mother,Brother in law, her kids, me and on Facebook and if our dog had an uncle, I am sure she would have told him also!

I had originally had suggested to the kids that she wanted a camera Digital SLR, before the freezer as she has an eye for photography, there was no reply to that either and I knew they may not be able to afford a $600 camera outfit between especial if one of them declined!

So I have bought her that myself and bag and a book on useful information on photography Value $650 She wants to learn French, but doubt the price tag of $400 would also fit the kids pockets so she has Rosetta stone 1-5 French box, She also wants a Diamond ring around $300 mark and that will be her anniversary gift on New years day!

So I am thinking that a $195 deep freezer between 3 is affordable and was what she wanted.... I am her focal point when she wants something and yes I spoil her for 2 reasons...I love my wife very much and I love giving! So please do not condemn a man for trying to be a good stepfather and husband!

I know they are her world, my place is second to them and I knew this before we got married and accepted that!
We decided to live here in the US because of her family and her kids who I know would never visit her if we lived in the UK mainly because they have never been out of the US which therein lies another story... So with respect, I forgo visiting home, my sister, brother and many of my friends at this time of the year so that I can do this for her

My hope is that your husband never gets on your bad side!

Re: Step parenting advice needed please
 

What they said! ^

Sign it from Santa.

Re: Step parenting advice needed please
 

Oh this is so much better than just Santa!!!

Re: Step parenting advice needed please
 

So what happened on Christmas day? we're all ears! :)

Re: Step parenting advice needed please
 

This, for me, should win post of the year.

Thank you JG, I'm going to print that and stick it on the fridge (she'll never notice the editing....:sneaky:)

Ps - sorry .. late to the thread....I'd have gone with Retzies advice too (post 5 or so..)

Re: Step parenting advice needed please
 

Well my intentions were to stick to the plan I said I would do, but a couple of days before I found something out that made me a little mad, but refrained from going off the deep end and turning the whole thing into a bloodbath, but here is what I found out:

My wife asked one kid of hers that is in a peculiar relationship in that he is with this woman that works and gives him pocket money so to speak and can not spend anything without her knowing and looks after her kids so the wife asked what he was getting his partner and said he couldn't without her knowing so the wife offered to purchase items online, have them sent to him so he could give to her. I spotted the bill the week before from this online company...OMG I was so very angry after the fact I could not confront her with it given the exchange of words about her kids before, but anyway it turned out in my favor in that the wife bought $60 worth of gifts for him to give to his partner and he offered to chip in $60 on the freezer....He was the only one to hand over any cash, one remained out of it and bought their own gifts and the third even when they were here never acknowledged the fact they were asked or received an email about chipping in and also bought their own gifts.

So I had them all put their names on the freezer including grand kids and took the money from the one who chipped in and still have the money in a sealed envelope on my bed side to which was given to my wife in front of the others as I had gone to bed early.

On Christmas day night when they were all here they put their names on it and my wife was oblivious to the fact of the new item outback and the fact I was pulling each kid away one by one to sign the card that when it was all done I made the move of asking my wife to go out back to see the new appliance, she was over the moon and could here giggles and screams of joy over it and all the kids were still in the room, scared by the noises to a degree made the expressions on everyone's faces worth it all and she went round thanking them all, but the partners were not aware of what was going on or what had just happened!

Sounds crazy and weird, but I took a major gamble on the outcome and it seems to have worked, however....Here's the crunch, I knew it would be asked and I was honest,but it has been noted that I orchestrated the kids into gifting it and she sees me as awesome I did say that some were forthcoming in helping only because I was put on the spot in telling her how I managed it....Others not so and when she asked who, I said she had best talk to her own kids...

I have learned a valuable lessons on this exercise!

1. I will never ask the kids to join in on a group gift ever again.
2. I will never help or offer help to these kids ever even at the risk of an argument breaking out between my wife and I. I feel as if my generosity is being taken for granted some how or its a case of, oh it wasnt much, he wont notice!

Re: Step parenting advice needed please
 

Glad it went well, you sound like a very thoughtful husband :)

Re: Step parenting advice needed please
 

I try, I will be honest I love to spoil my wife, she has had it tough as I have over the years and as we celebrated our 2nd wedding anniversary, NYE we went out and walked into a jewelers, she had been wanting a ring of a certain type and we had to go and get mine checked over anyway so I ended up buying her a blue diamond ring which was ironic as it is red white and blue.... Very patriotic for her...