Step parenting advice needed please
#16
Re: Step parenting advice needed please
wifey puts me on the spot in front of her boss asking if I would go get said kid who is 26 yrs old
There is more to the story of the kids I have not let you in on
Hope it goes well!
#17
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Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 1,156
Re: Step parenting advice needed please
Wolfy, I will share with you some advice I received when dealing with a particularly difficult family member:
One you have made an offer, you should not rescind it once existing issues start to have their inevitable effect. You were big enough to make the offer, now be big enough to deal with the predictably difficult response. You knew the sort of people you were dealing with, you thought this was worth trying anyway (because it was/is!!) - now it's up to you to muddle through to the end.
Do NOT remove the possibility of the kids' contribution to the gift. As Anian pointed out, the person who indicated they would like to contribute would now have a hard time finding a new gift in time.
A philosophy I (now) try to follow: conduct yourself in a way that would appear reasonable to someone who is not a party to the existing issues. (I don't mean be a beacon of light and kindness, just act with reason.) Once the dust settles and you have made it through the stage of burning frustration, your own thoughts are going to settle back to a more reasonable level. You are going to reassess your actions in 'the light of day' and, quite aside from any family fallout, you don't want to be in a position where you regret your own actions.
I don't think I'm pushing it too far with an absolute here: one Christmas present has NEVER resolved a family's cycle of poor behaviour. On the other hand, in my experience, this is exactly the sort of thing that could cause major bad feeling. You are more than half-way to making a decent fist of a crappy situation - don't stop now!
tl;dr - Stick with your initial generous instincts. That's who you are - don't let yourself get dragged down by others
One you have made an offer, you should not rescind it once existing issues start to have their inevitable effect. You were big enough to make the offer, now be big enough to deal with the predictably difficult response. You knew the sort of people you were dealing with, you thought this was worth trying anyway (because it was/is!!) - now it's up to you to muddle through to the end.
Do NOT remove the possibility of the kids' contribution to the gift. As Anian pointed out, the person who indicated they would like to contribute would now have a hard time finding a new gift in time.
A philosophy I (now) try to follow: conduct yourself in a way that would appear reasonable to someone who is not a party to the existing issues. (I don't mean be a beacon of light and kindness, just act with reason.) Once the dust settles and you have made it through the stage of burning frustration, your own thoughts are going to settle back to a more reasonable level. You are going to reassess your actions in 'the light of day' and, quite aside from any family fallout, you don't want to be in a position where you regret your own actions.
I don't think I'm pushing it too far with an absolute here: one Christmas present has NEVER resolved a family's cycle of poor behaviour. On the other hand, in my experience, this is exactly the sort of thing that could cause major bad feeling. You are more than half-way to making a decent fist of a crappy situation - don't stop now!
tl;dr - Stick with your initial generous instincts. That's who you are - don't let yourself get dragged down by others
#18
Re: Step parenting advice needed please
My take on it is this: If the freezer is purchased with your money and one of children's money, then the gift tag should include just your name and that child's name. It is completely unfair not to publicly acknowledge their contribution to the purchase of the gift or to put their names on a gift they did not help to purchase. In fact when they give their real gift, the one child who did contribute will look like someone who didn't care enough because they didn't buy an individual gift as well.
As for the remaining children, they will give to their mother has they choose to or not.
Your wife is not a child nor are her children minors. Each should stay on their own when acknowledging their mother and her worth to them.
As for the remaining children, they will give to their mother has they choose to or not.
Your wife is not a child nor are her children minors. Each should stay on their own when acknowledging their mother and her worth to them.
Last edited by Rete; Dec 20th 2012 at 3:27 pm.
#19
Re: Step parenting advice needed please
I agree with Rete. Just say it's from you and the one kid who chipped in. You don't have to mention that the others didn't want to.
#21
Re: Step parenting advice needed please
You have all contributed well to my dilemma and I thank each and every one of you and here is what I have decided to do:
I will firstly send a text to my step daughter and ask if she has seen the email on FB and if she would like to contribute to the gift and there will be no pressure if she decides not too, I am not even going to tell her that one of her brothers who has 2 kids of his own ( NON Biological) and to which I have sent him another email thanking him very much in that he will be making his mother very happy! His sister will have to find out on Christmas day who it was from and if the wife asks why just them, I will bow out of the discussion and tell her I dont know, she will need to take that up with said daughter and other son to find that out!
By sending a text or calling her she can not squirm out of it by saying she never saw a message or her Facebook was playing up! I believe in giving second chances!
The kids are my wife's life and knew this before we became serious and I accepted the fact and I will not upset the apple cart so to speak and Have no serious issues with them apart from what I have already mentioned.
The son that is contributing , assuming he keeps his word was the very first relative I met and he was still living at home when I met my wife and know he has more of an attachment than the others!
Again I thank you all and will tell you how it pans out!
Merry Christmas to one and all!
I will firstly send a text to my step daughter and ask if she has seen the email on FB and if she would like to contribute to the gift and there will be no pressure if she decides not too, I am not even going to tell her that one of her brothers who has 2 kids of his own ( NON Biological) and to which I have sent him another email thanking him very much in that he will be making his mother very happy! His sister will have to find out on Christmas day who it was from and if the wife asks why just them, I will bow out of the discussion and tell her I dont know, she will need to take that up with said daughter and other son to find that out!
By sending a text or calling her she can not squirm out of it by saying she never saw a message or her Facebook was playing up! I believe in giving second chances!
The kids are my wife's life and knew this before we became serious and I accepted the fact and I will not upset the apple cart so to speak and Have no serious issues with them apart from what I have already mentioned.
The son that is contributing , assuming he keeps his word was the very first relative I met and he was still living at home when I met my wife and know he has more of an attachment than the others!
Again I thank you all and will tell you how it pans out!
Merry Christmas to one and all!
#23
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 1,156
Re: Step parenting advice needed please
Wolfy, I think that's a great plan
It sounds like there will inevitably be some family issues over the festive season, but I hope you manage to bypass them as best you can!
It sounds like there will inevitably be some family issues over the festive season, but I hope you manage to bypass them as best you can!
#24
Re: Step parenting advice needed please
You have all contributed well to my dilemma and I thank each and every one of you and here is what I have decided to do:
I will firstly send a text to my step daughter and ask if she has seen the email on FB and if she would like to contribute to the gift and there will be no pressure if she decides not too, I am not even going to tell her that one of her brothers who has 2 kids of his own ( NON Biological) and to which I have sent him another email thanking him very much in that he will be making his mother very happy! His sister will have to find out on Christmas day who it was from and if the wife asks why just them, I will bow out of the discussion and tell her I dont know, she will need to take that up with said daughter and other son to find that out!
By sending a text or calling her she can not squirm out of it by saying she never saw a message or her Facebook was playing up! I believe in giving second chances!
The kids are my wife's life and knew this before we became serious and I accepted the fact and I will not upset the apple cart so to speak and Have no serious issues with them apart from what I have already mentioned.
The son that is contributing , assuming he keeps his word was the very first relative I met and he was still living at home when I met my wife and know he has more of an attachment than the others!
Again I thank you all and will tell you how it pans out!
Merry Christmas to one and all!
I will firstly send a text to my step daughter and ask if she has seen the email on FB and if she would like to contribute to the gift and there will be no pressure if she decides not too, I am not even going to tell her that one of her brothers who has 2 kids of his own ( NON Biological) and to which I have sent him another email thanking him very much in that he will be making his mother very happy! His sister will have to find out on Christmas day who it was from and if the wife asks why just them, I will bow out of the discussion and tell her I dont know, she will need to take that up with said daughter and other son to find that out!
By sending a text or calling her she can not squirm out of it by saying she never saw a message or her Facebook was playing up! I believe in giving second chances!
The kids are my wife's life and knew this before we became serious and I accepted the fact and I will not upset the apple cart so to speak and Have no serious issues with them apart from what I have already mentioned.
The son that is contributing , assuming he keeps his word was the very first relative I met and he was still living at home when I met my wife and know he has more of an attachment than the others!
Again I thank you all and will tell you how it pans out!
Merry Christmas to one and all!
Of course the kids and her grandkids are your wife's world, whose aren't?
And tbh, if I was your wife, come Christmas Day you would be the one in the bad books for buying me an f***ing freezer for Christmas.
#25
Re: Step parenting advice needed please
Maybe they aren't trying to squirm out of it, but don't want to say 'no.' You've asked once, leave it at that, if they wanted to put in they would have done. They may have already bought her a gift, and so what if it's a pair of slippers that she doesn't need, at least it is from them.
my wife has been banding around the fact that she wants a freezer to her Dad, mother,Brother in law, her kids, me and on Facebook and if our dog had an uncle, I am sure she would have told him also!
I had originally had suggested to the kids that she wanted a camera Digital SLR, before the freezer as she has an eye for photography, there was no reply to that either and I knew they may not be able to afford a $600 camera outfit between especial if one of them declined!
So I have bought her that myself and bag and a book on useful information on photography Value $650 She wants to learn French, but doubt the price tag of $400 would also fit the kids pockets so she has Rosetta stone 1-5 French box, She also wants a Diamond ring around $300 mark and that will be her anniversary gift on New years day!
So I am thinking that a $195 deep freezer between 3 is affordable and was what she wanted.... I am her focal point when she wants something and yes I spoil her for 2 reasons...I love my wife very much and I love giving! So please do not condemn a man for trying to be a good stepfather and husband!
We decided to live here in the US because of her family and her kids who I know would never visit her if we lived in the UK mainly because they have never been out of the US which therein lies another story... So with respect, I forgo visiting home, my sister, brother and many of my friends at this time of the year so that I can do this for her
My hope is that your husband never gets on your bad side!
#26
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Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 302
Re: Step parenting advice needed please
Unfortunately Wolfy, kids on the whole tend to be a disappointment. In your shoes I'd go for the quiet life and keep things on the QT. Nothing to be gained by shattering the missus' illusions and blood being thicker than water, somehow all of this will be your fault and you'll get it in the neck at the end.
Personally, I would count my blessings that your good lady is content with a freezer in her Christmas stocking and isn't one of these fancy types hankering after perfume, jewelry and other useless trinkets that'll cos you an arm and a leg. You've got a keeper there, mate. Don't go blowing it with daft ideas about telling her the truth about her ungrateful sprogs as no good will come of it.
Personally, I would count my blessings that your good lady is content with a freezer in her Christmas stocking and isn't one of these fancy types hankering after perfume, jewelry and other useless trinkets that'll cos you an arm and a leg. You've got a keeper there, mate. Don't go blowing it with daft ideas about telling her the truth about her ungrateful sprogs as no good will come of it.
Sign it from Santa.
#29
Re: Step parenting advice needed please
Thank you JG, I'm going to print that and stick it on the fridge (she'll never notice the editing....)
Ps - sorry .. late to the thread....I'd have gone with Retzies advice too (post 5 or so..)
#30
Re: Step parenting advice needed please
Well my intentions were to stick to the plan I said I would do, but a couple of days before I found something out that made me a little mad, but refrained from going off the deep end and turning the whole thing into a bloodbath, but here is what I found out:
My wife asked one kid of hers that is in a peculiar relationship in that he is with this woman that works and gives him pocket money so to speak and can not spend anything without her knowing and looks after her kids so the wife asked what he was getting his partner and said he couldn't without her knowing so the wife offered to purchase items online, have them sent to him so he could give to her. I spotted the bill the week before from this online company...OMG I was so very angry after the fact I could not confront her with it given the exchange of words about her kids before, but anyway it turned out in my favor in that the wife bought $60 worth of gifts for him to give to his partner and he offered to chip in $60 on the freezer....He was the only one to hand over any cash, one remained out of it and bought their own gifts and the third even when they were here never acknowledged the fact they were asked or received an email about chipping in and also bought their own gifts.
So I had them all put their names on the freezer including grand kids and took the money from the one who chipped in and still have the money in a sealed envelope on my bed side to which was given to my wife in front of the others as I had gone to bed early.
On Christmas day night when they were all here they put their names on it and my wife was oblivious to the fact of the new item outback and the fact I was pulling each kid away one by one to sign the card that when it was all done I made the move of asking my wife to go out back to see the new appliance, she was over the moon and could here giggles and screams of joy over it and all the kids were still in the room, scared by the noises to a degree made the expressions on everyone's faces worth it all and she went round thanking them all, but the partners were not aware of what was going on or what had just happened!
Sounds crazy and weird, but I took a major gamble on the outcome and it seems to have worked, however....Here's the crunch, I knew it would be asked and I was honest,but it has been noted that I orchestrated the kids into gifting it and she sees me as awesome I did say that some were forthcoming in helping only because I was put on the spot in telling her how I managed it....Others not so and when she asked who, I said she had best talk to her own kids...
I have learned a valuable lessons on this exercise!
1. I will never ask the kids to join in on a group gift ever again.
2. I will never help or offer help to these kids ever even at the risk of an argument breaking out between my wife and I. I feel as if my generosity is being taken for granted some how or its a case of, oh it wasnt much, he wont notice!
My wife asked one kid of hers that is in a peculiar relationship in that he is with this woman that works and gives him pocket money so to speak and can not spend anything without her knowing and looks after her kids so the wife asked what he was getting his partner and said he couldn't without her knowing so the wife offered to purchase items online, have them sent to him so he could give to her. I spotted the bill the week before from this online company...OMG I was so very angry after the fact I could not confront her with it given the exchange of words about her kids before, but anyway it turned out in my favor in that the wife bought $60 worth of gifts for him to give to his partner and he offered to chip in $60 on the freezer....He was the only one to hand over any cash, one remained out of it and bought their own gifts and the third even when they were here never acknowledged the fact they were asked or received an email about chipping in and also bought their own gifts.
So I had them all put their names on the freezer including grand kids and took the money from the one who chipped in and still have the money in a sealed envelope on my bed side to which was given to my wife in front of the others as I had gone to bed early.
On Christmas day night when they were all here they put their names on it and my wife was oblivious to the fact of the new item outback and the fact I was pulling each kid away one by one to sign the card that when it was all done I made the move of asking my wife to go out back to see the new appliance, she was over the moon and could here giggles and screams of joy over it and all the kids were still in the room, scared by the noises to a degree made the expressions on everyone's faces worth it all and she went round thanking them all, but the partners were not aware of what was going on or what had just happened!
Sounds crazy and weird, but I took a major gamble on the outcome and it seems to have worked, however....Here's the crunch, I knew it would be asked and I was honest,but it has been noted that I orchestrated the kids into gifting it and she sees me as awesome I did say that some were forthcoming in helping only because I was put on the spot in telling her how I managed it....Others not so and when she asked who, I said she had best talk to her own kids...
I have learned a valuable lessons on this exercise!
1. I will never ask the kids to join in on a group gift ever again.
2. I will never help or offer help to these kids ever even at the risk of an argument breaking out between my wife and I. I feel as if my generosity is being taken for granted some how or its a case of, oh it wasnt much, he wont notice!