Rowboy

Hi everyone,
so i've never posted on this site before (hi btw) and to be honest i've not really seen it much before.

But i've spent most of the day at work (don't tell anyone!) reading peoples stories, thoughts and experiences, and I thought i'd share my own issue at the moment.

So basically, i'm Sam and i'm 25 and have been married for just under two and a half years. My wife is a USC and we had been living in England (met at grad school, got married lived there) until last Oct, because back in May of last year, her dad had a heart attack making her want to move to be closer to her family.

We'd always talked about moving to the US at some point, but because of his illness we ramped up the move, and so now we're nearby to him, living in NE Ohio. And basically, I hate it. Well in fact that's maybe not true, I don't HATE it, but I'm unhappy here, deeply so I feel. I am certainly not content, and not having a good quality of life I don't think.

So every day for the past 6 weeks, i've been going through the same thoughts and issues of whether I should go home or not (knowing that it would be without her). I know it would destroy her. She does know how I feel, and has said if ultimately i'm unhappy I should move home, but it just doesn't seem as simple as that to me.

I can imagine being happy in America somewhere, but not in NE Ohio unfortunately, I feel like i'm stuck in a dead end rut with work/life etc not going anywhere. I've always prided myself on being ambitious and driven, and being quite a high achiever. But here I feel like i'm pegged in and that life is just passing me by, that if I were at home I could be taking advantage of many many more opportunities, and just enjoying life more.

I'm not desperately unhappy, but i'm just existing, cruising by, which for me is something that fills me with dread. I hate the thought of waking up in a few years time and wondering where my life went.

Myself and my wife have our problems, nothing that necessarily makes me want out desperately, but I know that I could be without her and be happy (does that make me bad?). And worryingly, I have started to think about being with other people, not as specifics but in the fact I could be happy with other women rather than her.

When we'd talked about moving, it was always when we both had opportunities, like I could start my PHD and she would be working in her field etc, and it wasn't necessarily here in Ohio. But because everything got pushed forward and rushed, I moved here not because I wanted a better quality of life (like i'm suspecting most people on here did/will) but because I had to basically. I was happy with my life and direction at home, things were going well and now I feel like i've thrown (and am continuing to throw by being here) everything away.

She is (with the exception of being worried about me) really happy and successful here, great job, great friends etc. But I just feel like I'm totally stuck here going through the motions. Not every day is terrible, but I do feel like something is gnawing away at me each day.

So I just don't know what to do, whether to go home and pursue my dreams/passions etc, or give them up in order to stay with her. I know i'll always be content with her, if not always incredibly happy, and I guess after enough time here I could be content here too. To be honest though, I don't ever want to get to the point where i'd rather be here than in the UK, I want to just press a button and be able to be back at home.

Is this just a stage that everyone goes through? Or is this something deeper? (in your opinions! I'm not expecting anyone to be able to tell me what to do, but I would like to know peoples thoughts, is this just a typical feeling that happens when moving or does it seem like I have some more unique and bigger issues?)

I've been here since the end of October, so nearly 6 months now, and i'm not sure if that's even enough time to feel like this. But I see so many jobs at home that I would be loving and could do, and just feel like in so many ways I could be an awful lot happier if I was there. But it means ending our marriage. And that seems like a really big step. Isn't the point of marriage to be committed and work through things like this?

I have tried to talk to my wife, but she isn't big on talking. Once I've said how I feel, and she's tried to give me reasons to not feel like that (and they don't work) she then says 'what's the point in talking anymore' which really upsets me - I mean if we can't talk about it and work through it together, isn't that ultimately doom for the relationship anyway? And whenever I do try to bring it up it gives her a migrane so we can't really address it, but I can't just live a life of not bringing up difficult issues.

So, i'm sorry this is so long I just have a lot to get off my chest. I hope i'm not taking advantage of this forum, but I would like to hear peoples responses and know if this is just a 'stage' or something more legitimate.

Thanks everyone,

Sam

jmh

Hi Sam. That seems like a well considered post. Try not to see it as a choice between two options. Being unhappy in the US, being happy in the UK. It may be worth trying to explore moving to an area where you feel you have more opportunity. Your wife really needs to discuss it with you, and perhaps compromise by moving away from her family but not necessarily all the way back to the UK. I think it is important for your self respect and for your marriage for you to try negotiating a compromise arrangement.

A marriage can last a long time, and sometimes there are different phases where one person gets their way, and then later things change and the other person's needs take priority. Maybe if you could agree a long term plan which included opportunities that you could look forward to, it would make the current situation more bearable for you.

One thing that occurs to me is that you are looking back at the UK with rose tinted glasses. That is perfectly understandable given that you didn't have a lot of choice about leaving. Maybe you could try moving back on a temporary basis to see if the opportunities really are great as they appear to you now.

You want to get this sorted out before you have children. Then you will be well and truly pegged in (but hopefully happily).

cricket1again

Sam, did you go to the US because you wanted to, or out of loyalty to your wife? That's the first question. If it was out of loyalty, then no, of course you won't be feeling completely happy because it wasn't a choice made for you by you.

You've only been there a few months so you will be experiencing a degree of transitionary pain and this will be causing you to think of an unrealistic nostalgic Britain, which may or may not be helping deal with the situation you face now.

You must love your wife, it sounds like you do but an high pressure situation has been placed upon you both by a family member's illness, so you're not really able to fully enjoy the experience of living in another country or treat it as an adventure like most couples might.

If you're not happy where you are, could you not consider both you and your wife moving to a different part of the States, maybe as a career move for you? You've supported your wife in moving to the US so surely she'd support you in forging ahead in your career.

Consider what's really frustrating you. See if you can pin it down to one or several things, then ask yourself if there is a way to find a solution.

Lastly, don't rush into any decisions, especially back to the UK unless you have money and something to go back to. I think we're all in a holding pattern at the moment just waiting for the dust to settle with the current economic climate so sitting tight and considering options that might be less drastic for now might be the best way forward.

Scout

Where to begin? I have been in a situation very similar to yours.........although I'm a bit older than your age of 25..........but I think the similarities are enough for me to wade into the muck.

My husband (a Brit) came to the States for me (a USC). We went through the horrors of the immigration dance for a Fiance Visa..........he sold up most everything in the UK...........moved to the States, we got married, he started his own business and after a couple of years...........finally confessed to me that he absolutely hated the States and it was making him miserable. We did a lot of talking and our final decision was to sell up in the States and move back to SE Wales. Luckily about the time we were going through all of this, my company made me redundant and gave me a nice fat severance package.

He's much happier now..........I'm much happier now and for us everything has worked out.

My advice to you is to sit down with your wife and really talk things through. Discuss your options. Do you move somewhere else in the States and see if that does the trick? (Frankly I'd rather eat dirt myself than live in NE Ohio) Will your wife consider a move to a different location in the States.

You also may want to give it some time. You say it's only been 6 months.......can you give it a go for a total of a couple of years? It really does take at least that long IMO for anyone to settle in properly. Also, you don't say what you are doing workwise, other than you aren't happy and are in a rut. Can you change jobs? I know the job situation right now is in the pits, but you could at least be looking for something different..........or continuing your education? My point with the work or your education, is that I think that's a big part of settling in. It gets you involved in having your own independent life apart from your wife.

Finally, will your wife consider a move to the UK? And is such a move financially feasible at this point? Is it something she may consider in a year or two if you are willing to give it some time to try and settle in the States first?

You also may want to consider marriage counseling. Sometimes having a 3rd party sort of referee the discussions helps.

Petals

I have not been in your situation but one of my friends married a USC years ago and moved to the States taking all her belongings etc and it drove her bonkers so she left the States and returned to Australia to live. Hence the marriage was no longer however they are still friends. Just a difference of culture and lifestyle and staying things would have only got worse for her. No children involved so it was really just a parting of the ways because of difference.

Good luck think clearly but remember you only have one shot at this life.

Elvira

If you hadn't written the above, I might have said 'give it time......... move somewhere else within the US............ re-evaluate in a couple of years...'

But your marriage seems to show all the signs of being on a road to nowhere, plus you are very young, and you do not have kids.

So why torture yourself? You seem to be pretty clear about where you want to be. And, given that you only left 6 months ago, the rose-tinted specs cannot possibly have clouded your perception completely.

So, I vote for going home.

Dave_Was

Hey Sam,

Is there any chance that you deep down know what the issue is and that you don't want to admit it just yet?

I'm not trying to be a git, but is there something deep down that you know you want to do and that you just want to get approval from others that it's okay?

Speaking from experience, I know in the past that I've skirted around the issue and blamed everything else but the root cause, just because I haven't wanted to address it yet?

A lot of the steps you have outlined for me would be big steps and I would be nervous, anxious, scared, etc. I wouldn't rush anything right now.

Of with all this said I'm not you and you aren't me and only you can decide on what to do.

Good luck.

Mummy in the foothills

Aww I'm sorry you are having such a hard time, I really hope she'll listen to you and help come up with a solution, stopping talking just cause you won't see it her way isn't helping any.
Just make sure you don't have any babies till you are both settled somewhere you can both be happy. Any mistakes in that department will have you tied to the US for many years to come, like it or not.
You are still young and have time to try out other areas before you up sticks and go off home alone. Seeing it sounds like she's settled herself here in the US.

exvj

Firstly, I know you won't leave your wife - sat in a room in Blighty thinking about her will have you scooting back here pretty darned soon I can tell you.

Well I have been going back and forth since 2004 and living in the US since november 2007.

I have really strong feeling sometimes about the weirdest things like dark damp soil with worms and blackbirds hopping about and lambs and heather and footpaths that go for thousands of miles across almost every field - and every one has a pub at the end of the path
I am from the Yorkshire dales but there are many beautiful areas in the UK

Everywhere in the US is either private or you pay to walk round in a manicured figure 8 and get back in your car

Strangely enough, I dont have a problem with missing family, as my daughter is tied up with boyfriends when I go back and I find myself sitting in a hotel room on my own. They have their own life and are getting on with it

I haven't found ANY nice climates in the US - havent been to San Diego but they say it's a lovely climate but so crowded and such a lot of crime and so expensive.

and we will always be foreigners of course

That's a few negatives - thing is not to dwell on those and look for the positives - and there are plenty

Just close your eyes and imagine next January in the UK - sat alone and probably jobless.

Why not give it 18 months more however you feel right now. There's nothing happening anywhere with this recession and you can still go back then if you want.

Just promising yourself that you are not trapped forever is a big weight off and lets you carry on..

Doing another 18 months and regretting it, is not as bad as going home now and having huge regrets that cant be undone

Anyway you might hate each other in 18 months so problem solved (half joking)

Alan

Xebedee

Should I stay or should I go now?

Well, despite the wisdom in these posts (and there is a LOT there), the decision is made in your heart.
Jobs, houses, its all stuff and can be replaced. Lost years cannot.

If she is worth it - stay.
If you are unhappy - go.

What if both are true? Well, I think we make decisions easily, its just convincing ourselves that we should do it - thats where the stress lies.

Listen, you don't know me from Adam, but I've been basically miserable here for donkey's. I make the decision almost daily to stay and try to be happy here for the sake of my kids and my marriage. Pills only help a bit - nothing substitutes for real friends and family.
Please don't go down that path unless you really intend to.

America isn't for everyone - FACT. There are massive cultural differences between us and some people cannot make it work no matter how hard they try. That is probably the single ugliest face to being an immigrant - and only you know in your heart what the least difficult decision is.

Which is what it boils down to, I'm afraid - making the decision to do the right thing isn't always the least stressfull path.
Its not defeat if you are still standing.

Mallory

I agree with Elvira. Your marriage doesn't seem to be as strong as it could be. If you wait and have kids, you will not have a choice.

So, I vote for going home too.

Isabel_7

The way I read your words are that you are homesick. Who here can not relate. Sometimes that wears off, or at least lessens. It seems though your wife has not understood or given you much support in dealing with these feelings. It is easy for her as she is on home ground. She has friends, family and familiar surroundings.

Life is so short. If you believe you could find your career path back home and moreover believe you would be happier there than here ...my two cents worth is then GO.

You did your spousal duty in supporting her by moving over to Ohio when her parent became sick. It is her turn now to be willing to put 100% effort into helping build your marriage in a place that suits you both.

Could it be you married a home town girl? One who has no more adventure in her or desire to try a new place together.


My suggestion is that you talk with a counselor for a few sessions. This would give you a safe and private place to vent your concerns and explore your options. Living in a very different culture, plus settling into a still new marriage are huge life changes.

If there are changes to be made in your life then make them now before kids come along, because once children are in the picture it all gets messier and more difficult.

But more than anything I suggest you listen to your own inner voice. I believe you do know what you need to do.

All the best to you

quoll

Ah, the dilemma of mixed marriages - not often considered as being an issue until you find yourself thrust into the sort of situation you now discover yourself. The cultural differences between English speaking white communities from different countries can be huge but we dont always account for them.

In a very similar situation myself except there is no doubt for us that we belong together - after 35 years of marriage, I cant be bothered to train up a new one.

The question comes back to whether you would prefer to live your life in the country you love without the person you love or with the person you love in a country that you dont like. If you can imagine living life without her back home and even get a sense of relief at doing that then you probably should call it a day and go home. If OTOH you cant imagine how dreary life would be without her then stay and suck it up - anyone can live in a place they dont like if they try hard enough.

I think you need a marriage counsellor to help you through the mine field of decision making - they have a knack of asking the questions which can give you the direction you need. Marriages are all about compromise IMHO - you both have to give something or one feels totally scr*wed over and the resentment sets in - if you cant find a compromise and one of you wants everything their way then it isnt going to work. The best way to do this is with a third party mediator then neither of you has the chance to "not talk about it" because it is too hard.

At the end of the day, you have to look after yourself because sure as heck no one else is going to do it for you! All the very best with whatever you decide!

exvj

jeez we old buggers are so wise - i agree with all of that

We had a bust up while I was in the US on a K1 and I went back to the UK and sat there on my own in all the rain and cold and traffic and yob ridden pubs and I felt like an ethnic minority myself (If its ok to say that)

I soon scooted back to the US and I am glad I did.

I still miss England and we still have mega bust ups - but now we end up laughing and we are finally settling into it - we have run out of insults so we just end up giggling

yeah there is NO perfect situation or perfect person - all countries and all people are imperfect - once we digest that, striving for something we are 'missing' seems less important as its unachievable anyway

I am talking yank much to my horror, and spelling in it too if I dont stop myself ! and she said she was thinking in yorkshire phrases on the way to work !

No substitute for time going by so my advice is always - there is nothing spoiling, so wait a couple of months and see how you think then. Nothing wonderful is going to happen to him back in the UK in the next 2 months - so why not

dunroving

Sure, life is short, but at 25 you have a lot left of it ... your life won't pass you by in the next 6-18 months ... which is how long it takes most people (i.e., added to your 6 months already = 1-2 years) to settle in.

I'd recommend you don't jump ship yet. Talk things over with your wife, discuss what changes might make life a little easier for you (moving somewhere else, taking a good holiday every 3 months, getting a cable package that will allow you to watch some footie - whatever).

Your experience of living in a situation where life is most definitely NOT feeling good is one I can identify with (maybe one third of the moves I have made resulted in absolute misery for the first 6 months). It reminds me of something I once read in a very old book written by an old colonialist about a tribe in Africa. Apparently, something about their culture meant that they had no concept of "future" (i.e., they were unable to imagine it, so "today" was "forever"). Consequently, if they were ever locked up in jail (which I guess happened often back in the old colonial days), within a short time they would simply give up on life, wither away and die (because they were unable to imagine the possibility of any future outside of being stuck in a cell).

OK, long side-story, I know, and who knows how true it is. I bring it up because in the situations I just described, I think a lot of expats (myself included) find it very difficult to imagine a life in the US (for me, currently, it's the UK) that is ever different (i.e, not complete misery). But guess what? Eventually, it does. Many a time I have looked back and said Cripes, I was in a really bad way back then, wasn't I? Why couldn't I have just seen that things would get better?

Things may not get better "enough" (for you to stay in the US), but hang in there just long enough to give it chance to improve. And do things to help it improve (see the list above - whatever it takes). For me, just taking off a weekend completely and going to the local country park, garden center, etc., riding my bike, can make a world of difference.

Rambling again ... short story is make some changes, keep the faith for another 6 months, keep talking with your wife, and re-evaluate things then. Good luck, whatever you decide. Many of us have been right there in the same spot - and we ended up pretty normal!