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Reflections on expat life, one year in.

Reflections on expat life, one year in.

Old Oct 23rd 2018, 8:41 pm
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Default Reflections on expat life, one year in.

Goodness gracious, it has been a while.

For those of you who might know or remember me, hello! Thank you for still existing and having me back! I'm so sorry I disappeared from the forum almost as soon as my feet hit American soil (something I promised I wouldn't do - I received so much invaluable advice here and vowed to always give it back). I will get to the whys in just a moment. But before that, hi! I have missed this place! I hope you are all doing well.

For those of you who don't know or remember me, a brief history: I am a UK citizen, now a permanent resident of the USA having moved to Pennsylvania on November 17th last year. I flew here on a CR-1 visa, which was a 14-ish month journey to obtain (with some tricky adventures involving a slightly concerning mental health history), and brought my beloved cat with me. I hope those of you currently going through the process aren't having too hard a time - I look forward to reading of your journeys. If anyone has any desire for stories about visa-related mental health concerns, or cat relocation, I have a wealth of information (and posts here) that I'm more than happy to share, though I'm sure there are still plenty of good folk around these parts already doing as much.

I took an absence from the site because expat life got hard. It's almost embarrassing to admit it, especially considering the hurdles I jumped to convince the US embassy that I was well enough to move here. But in the name of transparency, I will hold my hands up and admit that the move took a toll on my mental health, and also my marriage, and I'm sure I won't be the only one to have experienced as much. Transitioning from an online relationship to a live-in marriage held difficult and unexpected surprises for my husband and I. We had known each other for over a decade prior to meeting in person, and we spent three years back and forth in each other's countries prior to my eventual move to the States, but despite a relatively long history, and though we were not naive enough to imagine it would be totally smooth-sailing, neither of us were prepared for the difficulties in that transition. Fortunately we have been able to invest a lot of time and energy into fixing our issues, which involved some therapy and several interventions from family, and I am pleased to say that we are doing much, much better. But the first lesson I learned in being an expat who moved for a spouse, is to not under-estimate the toll it can take on your relationship. I had only ever heard such wonderful stories from people who were so delighted to finally be reunited, and living together for keeps, and O! how serene and perfect life was now, and I think it's important that we also shine a light on the fact that for some of us, it's hard. And that's okay. Moving countries is a transition, a huge one, and teething issues can happen to the best individuals and the best marriages. You are not alone.

For me as an individual, one of the biggest surprises I had after moving here was the knock to my confidence on pretty much every level imaginable. The things I thought would be fun and exciting about moving here actually transpired to become root causes of insecurity and anxiety, and the things I thought I would find hard, I have not. I thought the worst would be missing my family and friends. As it happens, WhatsApp truly does put paid to that. I talk to my siblings and my parents the same amount that I ever did, and while I would give almost anything sometimes to cuddle my young nephews or meet my best friends for a pint in the pub, there is still no agony in missing them. I'm sure there might come a day when that could change, and I have certainly found that holidays and birthdays do carry an understood heartache with them, but overall it is nowhere close to as agonising as I imagined it would be. To the contrary though, I have been absolutely baffled by the difficulties I've found in such simple things, like navigating my new surroundings, like 'being the one with an accent', like learning the quirks of a new culture and having others learn mine; these are all things that I was so, so excited to experience prior to moving here, but that truly shook my core once I did. It was all fun and games to begin with, but the novelty soon wore off and real-life kicked in. It's entirely possible that this is me-specific, of course. Maybe others truly aren't phased by these things. But I do find it hard to believe that the portrayals I read of other peoples' experiences in expatdom are sincerely as pain-free and pure bliss as they are sometimes painted (there's social media for us, I suppose). I have a handful of friends from school, for example, who have made the move to the US (most of whom live in LA - perhaps that is a poignant point) and who all seem so happy and like life is a breeze, and while I do hope that is true for them and concede that perhaps it is, I also hope there are people out there who are willing to raise a hand and go 'Y'know what, sometimes being an expat is shit', which is precisely why I'm writing this. It was a great comfort to me to eventually learn that I wasn't alone in my struggle.

In an effort to allow myself the time and space I felt I needed when my marriage started to show cracks, I made the mistake of becoming insular and a home-body. It worsened as my marriage did - there is nothing quite like moving to another country for one. specific. person., and then having that person betray/fail you, which in turn means your whole foundation is rocked. I started to feel like I had nothing worth staying here for, and questioning if I'd made the right decision. I don't believe I have ever felt so lonely in my life. But I eventually accepted that I needed to build a life of my own here, not exist here purely because my husband does, and when I realised there were people I could reach out to, things gradually got better. It's been a slow journey and I'm still very much on it, fortunately now with the support and company of my husband. I still don't have any real friends here, but I have bonded significantly with some members of my husband's family. I have been in and out of a couple of unsuitable jobs, which in itself has rocked my confidence (in fact, the biggest shock to me was how little confidence I had in learning new roles - something I'd never struggled with in the UK. I think the United States, while so similar in many ways, is just different enough from the UK to make you feel like a fish out of water), but I'm hopeful that I will soon build something more sturdy for myself. I'm hopeful that my second year here will be significantly better than my first.

I'm writing all of this because I know I won't be the only one to have felt these things, but it certainly often seems like I'm the only person admitting as much. I think it's important that we are more honest and open about some of the difficulties we face as expats. People can make it seem so easy and idyllic, but that's not always the case, and it makes those of us who struggle feel like we're weak, failing, or letting ourselves down. In realising that I might have subconsciously been one of the grass-is-always-greener optimists (like the Florida obsessives, are they still here?) prior to moving here, I have a newfound, deeper understanding of - and appreciation for - you guys and your often brutal honesty. I don't see a lot of that on sunny old Facebook, and I wish I did.

I intend to spend a bit more time here again, if you'll have me. It was always my intention to stick around and at least be a source of information to those going through the CR-1 process themselves, but it's not until now that I realise how much I, too, could still have benefited from being here. Being an expat can be a lonely life at times, and the biggest help to me in my journey has been knowing that I am not the only one to have experienced certain difficulties, so I am here to share.

In light of that, dare I ask what you found to be the hardest or most surprising thing about moving across the Atlantic?

It's nice to be back, and I look forward to catching up on what's going on here. The shiny new editor is super!

Last edited by KK85; Oct 23rd 2018 at 9:10 pm.
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Old Oct 23rd 2018, 9:33 pm
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Default Re: Reflections on expat life, one year in.

Hi KK,

It is good to hear from you again especially as you are another PA resident with a cat. Sorry to hear that the transition almost got the better of you, but very glad that you are pulling through it now. I too had to make a conscious effort to build up my own social life, but arriving as a trailing spouse that couldn't work I was somewhat forewarned and joined a quilting group (a hobby I already had) and a ten pin bowling league (I was the youngest on a Thursday morning by a large margin) which was new to me. These activities gave me a reason to get out of the house and be myself, not steveq's wife or the q boys' mum. Three years down the line we are feeling very settled in our new life and have widened our social circles beyond work to the extent that new friends met through one activity prove to intersect with another group too.

Your honest write up is definitely worth adding to the forum and I'm sure will benefit others in the future. All marriages take effort from both spouses even when backgrounds are similar, with such different starting points and a bumpy road you are doing well, even if it doesn't always feel like it. Also our silly wet PA summer probably didn't help much this year.

Please give Ted a hug and a stroke from me, and post a picture in the kitty cat thread in the lounge for us to admire.

PM me if you want to talk more directly or meet up in person.
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Old Oct 23rd 2018, 10:15 pm
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Default Re: Reflections on expat life, one year in.

Yes, definitely getting out and meeting people helps. Good job for sticking it out and giving it a fair shake.

The Florida obsessives are few and far between these days, so have to make our sport in Take It Outside.
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Old Oct 23rd 2018, 10:22 pm
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Default Re: Reflections on expat life, one year in.

Originally Posted by lizzyq
Three years down the line we are feeling very settled in our new life...
I am so pleased to hear it. My social security card took two months to arrive, and those two months of not being able to work draaaagged. I have a newfound respect for anyone who goes the K-1 route or is a trailing spouse such as yourself, for whom the option to work takes longer or is never an option at all - it must be so hard to find your feet. I think the degree of depression I went through this year made it difficult for me to consider joining any kind of social groups, but I can absolutely see their benefit and I'm glad they worked out for you. Perhaps 2019 will be my year for that.

Originally Posted by lizzyq
All marriages take effort from both spouses even when backgrounds are similar, with such different starting points and a bumpy road you are doing well, even if it doesn't always feel like it.
Thank you for this. My brother-in-law came on a walk with me the day after my husband (Pete) and I got into our worst fight. I was so desperately sad and lonely and was the closest I'd ever been to packing everything in and going back home, but he urged me to give my marriage one more chance and quite aptly suggested that if Pete and I could get through this, we would be (to use his words) 'so tight'. He has been a pivotal support to my husband ever since, and to me. In a bonkers little way, I am grateful for the trials I've faced so early in my marriage. We're two years in and, finally, stronger now than we were before we married, but GEEZ did that take some effort. I am confident that it will have strengthened our foundation and taught us lessons for the years to come, and I've also taken a lot of strength from my brother-in-law's advice. I hope and believe he might be right.

Originally Posted by lizzyq
Also our silly wet PA summer probably didn't help much this year.
Quite. I did not sign up for that.


Thank you for welcoming me back so warmly, LizzyQ. I'll head on over to the lounge to spam it with pictures of Ted.

Last edited by KK85; Oct 23rd 2018 at 11:00 pm.
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Old Oct 23rd 2018, 10:25 pm
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Default Re: Reflections on expat life, one year in.

Originally Posted by Octang Frye
Yes, definitely getting out and meeting people helps. Good job for sticking it out and giving it a fair shake.

The Florida obsessives are few and far between these days, so have to make our sport in Take It Outside.
Thank you, Octang Frye. I'm glad I'm still here.

I am utterly terrified by that forum! But I'll pop myself some kettle corn and brave it one evening.
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Old Oct 23rd 2018, 11:01 pm
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Default Re: Reflections on expat life, one year in.

I remember you well and oft times wondered how you were and where you had gotten to. I'd referred two people to your past mental health threads for their reading when they questioned whether they could pass the medical at Knightsbridge.

The things you felt and are still feeling are not at all uncommon. While I only moved across country, I am like a fish out of water and don't feel that I will ever find a sense of belonging to this culture in the deep south. I, like lizzyq, do quilting and have always been on a bowling league and I do that down here, as well. Marriage, whether it is to someone you've known all your life (as I did my first husband) or to an almost unknown person (as with my now second) is never easy regardless of the starry eyed posts that pop up from time to time. Your open honesty is a rarity and I appreciate what it costs you emotionally to write as you have.

Of course, you are welcomed back to the "fold". Your well written posts and gentleness with others was and still is a welcome addition. Thank you for coming back and letting us have a peak at your life.
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Old Oct 24th 2018, 12:52 am
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Default Re: Reflections on expat life, one year in.

Originally Posted by Rete
I'd referred two people to your past mental health threads for their reading when they questioned whether they could pass the medical at Knightsbridge.
I am so pleased to think it might have been, or might ever prove to be, a useful thread for others. And touched, too, to know that you are pointing people toward it. It was certainly a journey with many turns, that one!

Originally Posted by Rete
The things you felt and are still feeling are not at all uncommon. While I only moved across country, I am like a fish out of water and don't feel that I will ever find a sense of belonging to this culture in the deep south.
I have an honorary aunt here who moved from CA to PA three years ago, to be closer to family. She and her husband have been such rocks for me since my arrival, and it surprised me to learn recently that even they do not feel settled, and have struggled with the differences between the west and east coast. I imagine they relate very much to you.

Originally Posted by Rete
Your open honesty is a rarity and I appreciate what it costs you emotionally to write as you have.

Of course, you are welcomed back to the "fold". Your well written posts and gentleness with others was and still is a welcome addition. Thank you for coming back and letting us have a peak at your life.
Rete, this is all so kind of you to say. Thank you so much for welcoming me back so warmly. It is a pleasure to return, and utterly cathartic to be able to share everything that I do.
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Old Oct 24th 2018, 1:44 pm
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Default Re: Reflections on expat life, one year in.

Lovely to hear from you KK85! Sorry to hear that your first year has been so tough, especially as regards your marriage, but it sounds as if you are starting to get a handle on things. I agree with other posters who have commented about getting involved with local people/organizations that reflect your interests. Lizzie and Rete have mentioned how a quilting group helped them to assimilate -- for me it has always been a book club and animal rescue groups. Now is the time to truly start making your life here, and not looking to what used to be in the UK. All of us at BE are pulling for you!
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Old Oct 24th 2018, 5:42 pm
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Default Re: Reflections on expat life, one year in.

Originally Posted by Nutmegger
Lovely to hear from you KK85! Sorry to hear that your first year has been so tough, especially as regards your marriage, but it sounds as if you are starting to get a handle on things. I agree with other posters who have commented about getting involved with local people/organizations that reflect your interests. Lizzie and Rete have mentioned how a quilting group helped them to assimilate -- for me it has always been a book club and animal rescue groups. Now is the time to truly start making your life here, and not looking to what used to be in the UK. All of us at BE are pulling for you!
Thank you so much, Nutmegger. Wow, I am so touched by all these lovely messages!

A book club sounds right up my street. There is a fantastic local book store here in Harrisburg that holds open mic nights, book clubs, all sorts. It's a stunning building with a coffee shop and a bakery inside, and is in a gorgeous part of town with a large market and lots of bars. Being a writer, I have all too frequently beaten myself up for not taking better advantage of the place since I moved, so perhaps that should be first on the list for next year. I'd be ticking a lot of boxes!

Good for you, and thank you, for your work in animal rescue groups. I love the idea of that, too, though admire anybody who can get through a day's work there without bawling/bringing home 70 cats at once - I don't know that I'd fare all too well.
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Old Oct 24th 2018, 6:37 pm
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Default Re: Reflections on expat life, one year in.

Originally Posted by KK85
Good for you, and thank you, for your work in animal rescue groups. I love the idea of that, too, though admire anybody who can get through a day's work there without bawling/bringing home 70 cats at once - I don't know that I'd fare all too well.
I hear you -- that's why I limit my volunteer activities to those that don't involve being hands-on with the animals at the shelter. For instance, I write PR, send out thank-you letters, have been the local organizations' bookkeeper, etc. Happily I'm limited by the fact that my OH is severely allergic to all but hypoallergenic dogs, so there would be big problems if I started bringing waifs home!
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Old Oct 24th 2018, 7:44 pm
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Default Re: Reflections on expat life, one year in.

Welcome back!

Mary Ellen Dingley summed it up very well with: "As an expat we often get pressured into pretending to love and gush over everywhere we go and everything we see. Everything has to be breathtaking, beautiful, and rich in something or whatever. But the reality is sometimes working or living abroad is sad, lonely and hard."

One thing I love about this place is it is probably the only place where I can speak to people who understand what expat life is like. I work with a lot of competent people who are high achievers, but they still haven't gone through what I've gone through to get where I am. What was worse for me was I felt like I emigrated twice. Firstly we moved to my wife's family in WA but then I got offered a job in the midwest, so the feeling of loneliness when moving to a place thousands of miles from ANY family was tough, but now I wouldn't move back for the world.

Like you, do not get homesick despite it being a concern given that was the worst thing my wife suffered from in the UK. My life is richer in most ways out here though I'll confess I miss being close to the sea. I will admit that since we had a baby in June I have really felt isolated in that we don't have family or grandparents here to help out. But the reality is if I still lived in the UK I was 2 hours from my parents anyway and for all the benefits, it's a small price to pay. I go 'home' for the first time in 3 years in May, and I'll be curious how much I feel the place has changed!
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Old Oct 24th 2018, 8:37 pm
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Default Re: Reflections on expat life, one year in.

Having moved in April this year, I can definitely relate to the above posts. It has been far from easy, and still has it's challenges. It started off great, I managed to secure a job a few weeks before we moved so I couldn't be happier. That job lasted 6 weeks. It was with a small, family run business which I was concerned about from the start. They were very much stuck in the past, and did not appreciate any of my suggestions for improvement. Having worked in similar jobs for global organizations, I had hoped that my opinion would be valued and taken on board. Unfortunately, they often took offence to any suggestions and inevitably, they gave me the "it's not working out" line and let me go. That couldn't have worked out better, as after a few weeks of quality time with our 18 month old twins, I felt motivated to get my career back on track. I now work for an awesome company in Pittsburgh, and love what I do.

Another challenge has been not having our own home. We are 6 months in, and always said we would save as much as we could for 6 months by living at my in-laws, giving us a good amount for a house deposit. My mother in law is great, she takes care of our babies whilst my wife and I work full time, and she doesn't ask for a penny. But, she's also very opinionated, and so am I. We have clashed a couple of times, as I find it hard to bite my tongue. The house search is proving difficult at the moment due to bad timing I guess. There truly is nothing available either in the area we are wanting to move to, or within our budget. Rewind a couple of months and there were so many options available.

But on a positive note, my wife and I have a life again, have so much family around us, do things pretty much every weekend, earn more money than we ever have, can finally afford to buy a home. I also had the opportunity to visit my family in California who I haven't seen in 11 years, it's nice being "only" 4 and a half hours away. This move has definitely made our marriage stronger, and I have no regrets.

I will say though, the number one issue I have had in the 6 months I have been here is....... THE FOOD!! Why is it so delicious?! And bad for you?! It's often cheaper to eat out than buy groceries too. I have gone up a dress size since moving here so anyone who is considering the move, be warned!!!
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Old Oct 24th 2018, 9:13 pm
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Default Re: Reflections on expat life, one year in.

On the working for animal rescue organizations, I have one word "Wuss". I did for several years and only brought one cat home and that was only after having lost my beautiful cat, Mira. I worked hands-on with older, middle aged, and kittens and loved every minute of it. It is so rewarding especially when talking with and screening prospective adopting families. Our private organization took in cats from over crowded homes and most were taken from kill shelters when the cats were placed on the to be kill list. My job was to clean cages, feed them, cuddle with them, play with them, determine whether they were good for a home with children or just older adults and if they could be homed with other animals and then on adoption days talk with and screen those wanting to adopt a particular cat. There are no such organization down here and we are currently 'owners' of several feral cats and two litters.
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Old Oct 25th 2018, 3:14 am
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Default Re: Reflections on expat life, one year in.

KK, you rock! Keep the determination and the strength going. It will get easier but remember everyone's road is always a little bit rocky. You have survived the first year. The next will be easier. Well done.
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Old Oct 25th 2018, 6:28 pm
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Default Re: Reflections on expat life, one year in.

I just wanted to say thank you for your honesty and eloquence.

I usually choose not to share such personal information online, but I can assure you that everyone goes through testing moments. My life is not always easy, if nothing else because I have a teenage step-daughter.

I've just taken on the challenge of moving to a completely new place as a trailing spouse too - I can work, but there isn't much available in my field right now. This is going to present a whole new set of challenges. I'll take some inspiration from your story so far.

Oh, and welcome back!
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