JAJ

You've been asking this for some time so clearly it's something that means a lot to you.

Perhaps not what you want to hear but maybe take a deep breath and think about:

- You're still a British citizen, so you can go back if you really want to. If it's what you really want, then make some firm plans (discuss with your wife). If now really is not the right time, then maybe in a year's time.

- For most people, being with their spouse and dependent children (and their spouse/children being happy) is the most important thing to them. More important than which particular country they are living in.

- At age 18 and 20 your children are in the awkward grey area between being children and fully independent adults. However as long as you provide some financial support there's no real reason why you and your wife need to be in the same country. Talk it through with your wife. As someone else has said, she will need to loosen the strings at some stage although it won't be easy for her.

- As someone else has said, in the circumstances you find yourself in, it's really important for your wife and children all to have U.S. citizenship. How come your children aren't dual citizens? (normally GC-holding children of a U.S. citizen automatically become U.S. citizens, at least since 2001).

It's not worth becoming ill over. Is it worth losing your wife over?

Strongly recommend you find someone locally (professional or otherwise) to talk things over.

psb182

JAG
This would be so easy if I didn't have a good marraige and if I didn't love the kids,but me and the wife have discussed this for years,one day she came to me and said I have had enough let's make plans to leave and so we were making plans (looking at homes in the UK) as well as having our house for sale 2 times and all of a sudden she said no and it's probably because she knows the kids don't want to leave.
The states is basically the kids home and they are very Americanized which is understandable they don't want to go but do we suffer forever because of that?
My descision is final after probably 7 yrs of wanting to go this time I am leaving no matter what,I know my wife want's to go just as much as I do that's the real killer because I know she is very unhappy here.

dingbat

Your kids need to tell her to leave. Your wife needs to know that they will not die of starvation/lack of clean laundry/emotional deprivation if she is not there. Your wife needs to know that leaving will not make her job as a mother redundant. As a Mum, letting my seventeen year old go back to the UK on her own just about killed me. They all grow up and fly the coop. Your kids will always be her babies, as they are yours, but I would work on them severing the apron strings rather than her. I know my daughter (clever little baggage) figured that one out and helped me let go of her in the end. Maybe show your wife these posts.....she needs a reason to leave, not one to stay is my guess. I wish you well.

scatty

I am so sorry to hear your news,

Am in a similar situation, two of my sons live with me in the us and one lives in the UK due to a visa mess up and breaking my heart to be separated through errors by the uscis

Although my son in the uk is an adult, I am a mum to my boys forever no matter what their ages are and can fully understand where your wife is coming from

It does sound as if you are depressed and if so are you seeking help? Your health has to come first so urge you to do so asap. Have you thought about going back to the uk for a six month trial period to start, and book a return ticket back to the US?

Maybe you could test the waters so to speak, you may get back and not find a job that earns enough for you to rent or buy or a decent job.

The grass is not always greener, just a different shade of green, sorry to say this (but say in kindness) when you go back you may not settle or even hate it and also when you go to the uk for the 6 months you may well miss your family sooooooooooooo much that you decide you cannot live without them and cut your trip short.

So long as you have your loved ones beside you and your health, that is the most important asset you will ever need. Sadly my husband passed away last years, and god knows I need my son here with his brothers and myself asap


Wish you better and tons of hugs

Teacup

Hello PSB,

When I left the UK, I was really eager to make my life in Canada - or so I thought. Part of me stood at the airport thinking 'what the hell am I doing?' and part of me thought 'I can't wait to see what's going to happen'. The one thing I didn't realise to the fullest extent I should have is the agony my decision caused my parents, especially my mother. I remember her crying bitterly which I expected but what I couldn't grasp - because I'm not a mother - is the almost physical pain of separation that she was feeling. She and my father both told me to go to Canada, they understood I needed to do it and that they would always be there for me if I needed them. I suppose I thought this was my right and due as their child - even one who was in her thirties by then! What they did was let me go, even if they realised I might never go back.

What my mother didn't realise is the guilt I felt for years at making the decision to go. It wasn't that I didn't love them or didn't want to see them or be with them; it was just that I wanted to try something different. I had been sheltered as a child and though I had branched out after university a little, I probably hadn't done so as much as I should have. So emigrating was a real spreading of my wings and I've learned what my strengths and my weaknesses are, whether I can cope alone and make hard decisions, make a new career, etc. Nevertheless, the return visits to the UK were hard because of the leaving each time - her tears would tear me apart. I felt guilty for the choices I'd made because she missed me so much and by then I had met a Canadian man which meant the chances of me returning for good were less likely. Then on my last visit, I had a long chat with my father and I realised that, through some things he told me, my mother had begun to make peace with my decision, especially as she knows I'm taken care of and have my own home, etc. This helped me to find some peace and not to feel that somehow I was responsible for her happiness - which, realistically, I'm not as she and my dad have a good marriage of many years and both lead busy lives. I think it's true to say that, as with any mother, it's hard to let go and not to worry.

What I think I'm trying to say is that as much as your wife wants to be with the children and not let them go, the children may feel burdened by what they might perceive is her sacrifice to stay rather than to go. This is notwithstanding what they may feel should you choose to go back and leave them and her. Your wife may also feel torn between you and them; feeling she has to make a choice and that any choice she makes suggests she's uncaring or doesn't love her family.

You are a family and families should be able to talk together and discuss feelings and plans. Your daughter may be 13 and at an emotional age but she may well have quite a sensible opinion about the situation. The older kids may also offer solutions that, in your current foggy state, you can't clearly see. I don't know what you may or may not have discussed with them already but perhaps sitting down and having a hypothetical chat about 'what ifs' might help to see the way ahead. Have any other families you all know been in this situation? What did they do? Would the older ones want to try being at a college or university in the UK? There are myriad variations on what could work that may take you all back to the UK for a period such as 1, 2 or 3 years and then, after that, with all of you older and having lived in the UK for a while, you will know better what choices to permanently make.

I'm sorry I don't have any words of wisdom. All I do want to say is that if you are depressed, seek someone to talk to outside of the family and focus on exploring the pros and the cons. Get counselling with your wife if it might help for a 3rd party to hear both sides. Above all, your family love you and need you. You love them and want what's best for all of them. If you can, decide as a family what would work for the family and keep talking.

I wish you all the best.

krizzy

As someone who would like to take an axe to her apron strings....your wife really can't live through her kids...which is what is happening if she stays...Its very easy to say...but you need to go...if she is unhappy she will follow...
its the other way around in our house....my husband can't let go...he can't see the harm it does not giving out tough love...

I really hope you sort it out....I've been living in some black hole for years pleasing others who are old enough to take care of themselves...its not good for your health or your families long term well being....
It may help and I never thought I would say this in my wildest dreams but here goes ...it may help to talk to a professional outside the family....

Sally Simpson

Sounds like an awful situation, so sorry. I have two things to say, get some professional help for the depression, it does help you to see the wood amongst the trees. Second, be very honest with your kids about how you both feel, they may surprise you!
Good luck! & karma sentx

psb182

Had a good chat with the 18 yr old today,he asked me how much it would cost for a 2 bed apartment and I said a 2 bed apt will not be enough for the 3 kids and mum and he said that it stupid that mum won't leave without the oldest 2,he also said he didn't know if he would want to be here without mum myself and the youngest daughter,all in all he had a much better day than yesterday.If we talk this through as a family a few times I think we will all see a clearer picture although the picture will not be what any of us want to see I believe talking and time will help things a lot.
Thanks everyone for all your help I really do appreciate it

LouiseD

Good luck PSB - I really hope that you can get things sorted. I can see where your wife is coming from with regards to not wanting to leave the kids but I'm sure that there must be some compromise that you can all come to. Life's too short to be unhappy and I reckon your family will help and support you when they realise what this is doing to you.

Take care and keep positive

Jerseygirl

IMHO the first step would be for your wife and kids to apply for US citizenship. That way if they move back to the UK and can't settle they can always come back.

psb182

how long would it take for them to get Citizenship?

we didn't put our house on the mkt yet so we have some time,but I wouldn't want to hanging around another 2 yrs

Jerseygirl

My 22 yr old daughter became a USC last Dec...took 3 months...ours took 6 months. It depends where you live but 6 months is pretty average.

Silly Sod

How about telling the kids that staying put is making both of you miserable but mum wont leave without them. Assuming everything else is in place to head for the UK that is. If so ask the 'kids' to commit to six months or a year in the UK until you get settled and then decide if they want to stay (UK side) or return.

That is how I'd approach things. From a personal point of view, hearing what you are saying, it sounds to me like your wife may be suffering from depression too and not wanting to leave the 'kids' is her way of not facing up to the fact that something has to change. Of course I am no shrink so could be talking utter shite. I wonder, what do the kids think of all this? Are they encouraging their mum to go home if it will make her happy? If not then they surely should be. My son (19 when I left) and daughter just 16 at the time said - dad, go for it!!! We'll see you in a few years and we can always come visit - etc etc.
They were great and with email and cheap phone calls it doesn't feel like they are very far away at all.

Just my thoughts. Hope it helps. If not good luck with your predicament.

sonlymewalter

Good luck PSB, you sound a lot better today

Like Jersey said, if you gain US citizenship then you at least leave the door open in case you or your family change your mind in the future. It's not unknown for some families to return to UK and get their *fix* and then decide UK is not for them afterall. Of course this could be the case, but by at least getting US citizenship you will all have the option to change if you so wish.

Maybe you going back might make your wife realise how much she misses you and that the kids need to lead their own life?

Good luck and all the best moving fwd

Kath & Graham

I think your wife needs to break the apron strings. I am in a similar situation I am leaving my 17 year old here. She can hardly cook for herself, but as she said herself it has done her the world of good, she knows she can come back to UK anytime she likes, I really feel now this will help her to grow up. We wont even be here for her 18th birthday (how sad it that!!!)....but I am unsettled here and have two younger kids, and as my OH said, I cant keep putting her forward and forgetting myself and my other kids, as someone said on here, they can leave home anytime even living abroad, then where would you be?

It is really hard and your wife will worry, but she does have her own life, what happens when they decide to go off and shes too old to enjoy the rest of her life, I know it awful but what if she is too old to return to UK even though she wants to it would be really hard for you then. You have got to sit down as a family and discuss this, I bet your kids wouldnt want you and your wife to split up over this and as you both want to return to UK I would go home. The kids will come and go and you will always worry about them even if they live at home til their 47!!! (I know someone who did).... they will go and you and your wife will be miserable you in UK in her in the states.. If she really is unhappy once back then maybe you can compromise and tell her if she really hates it and misses the kids she can come back, at least you have tried it. I bet though once back, your kids will probably follow you especially your 18 year old. I am hoping mine does.


Good luck, sending you some karma...

Kath