Des

Have you tried to address this issue with your husband? Maybe tell him in a quiet
moment how the fact that all these messages are in a foreign language make you feel
somewhat excluded, though you don't want to know everything they are talking about...

If that does not work, maybe you could take a step towards making yourself feel
better by taking language classes in his native language? As the foreign spouse
myself, it is one of the things I admire most about my husband. It immediately made
me feel so much more appreciated because he took the extra step to get to know the
"foreign" me, as well as the "American" me. It made me feel appreciated and loved as
a whole person, and made him feel less "excluded" when speaking to my parents.
Meanwhile, he even speaks to my grandmother in her native language! Even if it is
only a couple of words, my whole family really appreciates his extra effort.

- des

Katrina Cheng

Greg- The MIL has been in the country for 18 years, I think it counts as "her"
country too. She can speak whatever language she wants to with her son, there is no
law about having to converse in English.

Secondname52- Of course she leaves the messages to your husband only, he is the only
one of you two that can understand that language. If you have such a problem with
your MIL not speaking English cause she isnt good at it, then help her learn more! Or
else if you are so interested in whats being said you should try expanding your
horizons and learn that language. Dont expect everyone to cater to your whims. If
what was being said was any of your business your husband would tell you after the
phone conversation was done. Its only rude if they are doing it to keep things from
you , not if that is the easiest way to comminicate for them. Try not to be so
paranoid and hypersensitive. You knew they spoke a different language before you got
married right? Why are you complaining about it now? Maybe the other family members
have better English skills, thats why they CAN leave messages in english?

--
I think its rather petty to be complaining about it. My husband and his family almost
always talk in Chinese, not to exclude me but because it is their first language. Its
easier for them to communicate that way. Some things just dont make sense at all when
directly translated and many languages just have easier ways to describe things. (ie.
eskamo's and the many different words for snow. why say a whole sentance when one
word is quicker and doesnt leave room for misinterpretation?). If there is anything
important for me to know or that they think I would find interesting his parents make
the effort to try and explain it in english. And I try helping them with their
pronounciation or adding new words to their vocabulary . I want to be able to talk
with them easier too so I am making the effort to learn mandarin. But I dont mind at
all when they speak chinese. Maybe its because I grew up where half my family spoke
Ukrainian at the family gatherings. If it was important for me to know, they would
tell me in english because they knew that was the only language I understood.

So many people complain nowadays because 'the big bad world isnt doing everything
their way'. Thats life with so many people from so many places. Learn and adapt,
thats the great thing about the human species.

*gets off the soapbox*

"Greg" <[email protected]> wrote in message
news:[email protected]...
    > On Wed, 31 Jul 2002 01:51:31 GMT, "Dale Legan" <[email protected]> wrote:
    >
    > >It is rude of you to expect your mother in law to learn another language
to
    > >speak to her son.
    >
    > I think it's rude for someone to go to another person's country and not to even try
    > to learn the language which is spoken by the majority of the population.
    >
    > It seems that some foreigners always whine about learning English but, bless their
    > hypocritical little souls, they get upset at Americans who go to the foreigners'
    > country and don't try to speak the native language or abide by their customs,
    > *they* think the American is rude.
    >
    > I'm married to a Hispanic woman. When her family and friends come over, or when we
    > have a party, they all used to speak Spanish in front of me and my friends and
    > family. That is until I told them to stop being rude and speak English.
    >
    > If a person comes to the US, then learn English--whether there is an
    > "official" language or not--it *is* the language spoken by a couple hundred
    > million people here.
    >
    > Personally, I am multi-lingual so I all ready knew Spanish--but I'll be *damned* if
    > some foreigner tell me that *I* should learn another language because they can't
    > speak English. Tough shit, stay home and you can speak your own language to your
    > double-standard hearts content.
    >
    > You can still speak your language to your family some and go by some of your
    > customs--just keep your damned attitude to yourself and don't go to someone else's
    > country and tell them what to do.

scotsman-usa

I think maybe the problem is that he does not share any of the phone calls with his wife. I think it is his silence more than what language they are speaking that bothers her, if he told her some of the conversation she would probably not mind what language they spoke. People keep saying if it is important he would tell her, even if it is not important he could tell her, he is her husband and there should not be secrets important or not. And some people who have posted have assumed since the MIL has been here so long she has tried to learn the language, we do not know if she has tried or not. A lot of people who come here do not make much effort. I have great respect for those that do, and think that anyone visiting or living in a foreign country should try to make an effort to learn the language to some degree, enough to communicate the basics. When the MIL leaves a message she could at least say Hi to the DIL even if she then leaves the message in her language... it is somewhat rude, in my opinion, to not acknowledge her son's wife, my own mother in law has been guilty of that till her son mentioned it was rude. I think she should talk to her husband and tell him how she feels and if he is a good husband, in my opinion, he would ask his mother to acknowledge her DIL Good Luck!

Betastar

My mother-in-law speaks English fairly well for a 70-year-old Austrian. Enough so
that we can have a conversation. However, I also understand German (and can speak
enough to be understood for the most part) and so we sometimes use a combination
of the two.

But often when she calls, I speak to her for a minute or two in English, then tell
her to speak to Reinhard and I will get the story from him. Why? Because I think it's
rude for me to make her have to work so hard to try to get whatever she wants to say
across in her 2nd languge when there's a fairly good interpreter right here in the
house with me who can give me a summary after the conversation.

If it bothers you that he didn't tell you what they talked about, you take the
initiative and ASK.

Otherwise, why should you be eavesdropping on his conversation anyway? Do you want
him to listen to everything you talk to your mother about? And even if this is
America, you married a man who speaks something other than English - wouldn't it be
good for your marriage to try to learn a little of that language.

I don't think the problem here is a language problem with your husband and MIL. I
think the problem here is a communication problem with you and your husband.

But that's my opinion on the whole thing.

BTW - I also think daily visits, contact, phone calls, etc. is a bit much - and agree
with Rete that maybe the problem is you feel 2nd potato to his Mom.... again, talk to
him about it.

Betastar

Matta Harri

In article <[email protected]>, Rete
<[email protected]> wrote:

    > Taking a slightly different approach to your concerns, I get the impression that by
    > his speaking with his mother on a daily basis and in a language you do not speak
    > you feel not only slighted but that the hierarchy of the household is perhaps him,
    > his mother and then you.

<grin> You missed it. The hierarchy is his MOTHER, him, and you. And THAT is
the problem!

matta

Rete

LOL ... you are so right ;-)

Skits O'Phrenni

"mrtravel" <[email protected]> wrote in message
news:[email protected]...
    > 3. If this bothers you, learn the other language. FWIW, it bothers me.

Don't matter. It's still just plain rude. Although my fiancée is Canadian I'm still
exposed to it in the workplace and around town and it's just plain rude. She is not
being overly sensitive in the least. When 3 people speak the same language and 2
start using a second language that the third person does not know they are, in
effect, excluding the 3rd party. It's the height of rudeness. English is the
official language of the United States and if Immigrants choose not to learn it they
open them selves to hardships and more expense for everyone else. I'm sorry if I
offend anyone, I don't mean to. Skits

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Des

    > It seems that some foreigners always whine about learning English but, bless their
    > hypocritical little souls, they get upset at Americans who go to the foreigners'
    > country and don't try to speak the native language or abide by their customs,
    > *they* think the American is rude.

Your thought processes are immersed in stereotypes that certainly do not apply to all
foreigners.

Skits O'Phrenni

"mrtravel" <[email protected]> wrote in message
news:[email protected]...
    > Her MIL had been in the US and knew spoke the language poorly. So, it isn't like
    > she didn't try to learn. However, the older you get, the harder it becomes.

Then he is rude for not saying something to his wife. "I'm sorry Honey, you know mom
has a hard time with english" is not a hard thing to to say or take up a lot of time.
I bet that would make her feel a whole lot better. Skits

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Cassoval Aznabl

[email protected] (Des) wrote in message
news:<[email protected]. com>...
    > Have you tried to address this issue with your husband? Maybe tell him in a quiet
    > moment how the fact that all these messages are in a foreign language make you feel
    > somewhat excluded, though you don't want to know everything they are talking
    > about...
    >
    > If that does not work, maybe you could take a step towards making yourself feel
    > better by taking language classes in his native language? As the foreign spouse
    > myself, it is one of the things I admire most about my husband. It immediately made
    > me feel so much more appreciated because he took the extra step to get to know the
    > "foreign" me, as well as the "American" me. It made me feel appreciated and loved
    > as a whole person, and made him feel less "excluded" when speaking to my parents.
    > Meanwhile, he even speaks to my grandmother in her native language! Even if it is
    > only a couple of words, my whole family really appreciates his extra effort.
    >
    > - des

I agree with Des and Rete. Maybe you are feeling excluded from a part of his family
because you aren't getting the whole picture when he talks to his mom. So maybe you
can talk to your husband about it?

I also agree with MrTravel that they most likely do it because it's the easiest way
for them to communicate and it seems like your husband isn't inclined to talk about
his conversations that much. He is a MAN you know, and everyone knows how men are,
right? The fewer words spoken the more time to do other stuff. (I'm being
facetious of course, sorry)

Personally, like Des, I'm trying to learn my wife's native language (French) and
though I'm having a hard time of it, I'm doing my very best to learn it so I'm able
to speak to her relatives when we visit them. Her family is a part of me and my
family now, and I feel it's the least I can do to close the communication gap as much
as possible. I know she really appreciates that effort as well. cas

Paul

[email protected] (Secondname52) wrote in message
news:<[email protected]>...
    > Since most of us here are or will be married to a foreigner, I would like to pose a
    > question to those already living with their spouse who speaks a foreign language.
    > My husband and his mother are very close. They speak on the phone at least once per
    > day and he visits her daily, takes her places etc. Anyway, she's been here in the
    > US for 18 years and her English sucks, but it's good enough that I've been able to
    > communicate with her on my own. However, when she calls at our home to leave a
    > message, she always addresses just my husband and goes on and on in their language.
    > Whenever they talk on the phone it is always in their language. I'm not saying I
    > need to know what they are talking about or what her messages are but I find it
    > just plain rude. When he hangs up the phone with her he says nothing. Usually when
    > I am on the phone with anyone, I'll say something when I hang up, like "oh...so and
    > so said hello", or "that was so and so just calling to "whatever". I wonder if I'm
    > being overly sensitive about this or are my husband and his mother being rude? I
    > have to add that whenever any of his other family members call her and have to
    > leave a message they say hello to both of us and leave their message in English,
    > which I really appreciate. Anyone else have this issue?

You are being overly sensitive. Your mother-in-law is probably quite aware that her
English "sucks," and might be embarrassed of how it sounds to you.

jcsutton

I'm with Skits and Scots....Qualifies as rudeness to me....

Bob123usa

#1. it's obvious that your husband's a mama's boy

#2. both your husband and his wife (no, I mean mother are both rude
&insensitive

#3. it's high time you straightened them both out so that you comming last)
ends now. Rudeness and insensitivity if not dealt with at the appropriate time and
manner always extends itself into other areas of human relatiionships

Carole

    >Also maybe your husband just doesn't think anything important was said, maybe he's
    >just not communicative that way.

*LOL* From what I've seen, this seems to apply to most males of ANY nationality!
I've never known a man who enjoyed talking on the phone unless HE initiated the
call, and even then they're not very good about communicating what was said
afterward because they simply don't get into conversation the way a woman would.
A woman will relate every little detail with relish, while a man will usually
say, "Oh, I don't remember...".

Pavel will get on the phone with one of his family or friends in Russia and yak
for an hour or more (which I am tickled to death to listen to, since I wish he'd
speak Russian MORE often), laughing and snickering and carrying on in a very
animated fashion... then, when I ask him, "Well, what what's going on exciting
in Moscow these days?", he'll just shrug and reply, "Oh... nothing.". If
pressed, he'll cough up the details, but he'd much rather stick his nose back in
his computer manual or go on playing his video game.

Then, maybe a week later, he'll suddenly up and say, "Oh, by the way, guess what
my mother did?", or "Oh, didn't I TELL you my cousin did that? I was sure I
did... granny Valentina told me the other day when we talked...". This same man,
however, listens avidly to MY phone conversations, and stops me a hundred times
to ask, "What's so funny?" "Who are yall talking about?" "Who is that?" "Tell
them XXXX.".

If the phone rings, he says, "Ewwww, the phone!" and hands it to me as if it was
smeared with bacteria. Unless it's his friend Sasha, in which case he will stay
on for hours babbling happily in Russian. But when I suggest he call a business
for some reason, or mention that one of us promised to call uncle Bill back
about something, he looks at me with those blue puppy-dog eyes and begs, "YOU do
it... I hate talking on the phone...". I think it's just a 'man' thing.

Carole

Donna Maindraul

In article <[email protected]> ,
[email protected] (Cassoval Aznable) wrote:

    > Personally, like Des, I'm trying to learn my wife's native language (French) and
    > though I'm having a hard time of it, I'm doing my very best to learn it so I'm able
    > to speak to her relatives when we visit them.

Pushing the topic even further from the original subject: my French husband think ALL
Americans who call are rude. My parents, friends, business contacts...every time he
picks up the phone and it's an American, he complains that they just ask to speak to
me and don't want to talk to him, not even to say good morning.

At the same time, he thinks it's odd when I pick up the phone, hear a French person
struggling to put a few words together, and hand him the phone (or mutilate his
mother tongue in an attempt to explain that he isn't in and where to call.) Duh, I
KNOW they're calling for him.

Has any other French/American couple run across this problem? Or is mine just picky?

-Donna

(A picky Frenchman, who'd a thunk it?)