Negativity that cannot be reversed?
#16
Re: Negativity that cannot be reversed?
I have been trying to make a solid effort regarding being less negative about things I cannot change but I am starting to wonder if one can get caught up in a mental state that cannot be changed.
As I have mentioned in previous posts, my dislike for living in the US has increased dramatically the last year, to the point that little things drive me crazy. I have been trying to let these things pass me by but it is not working.
I am starting to wonder of my heart is trying to send me a loud message, that trying to live here is not what i am supposed to do, that it will never make me happy, that I have already tried enough and it is time for me to move on.
Did anyone feel like that before they decided that enough was enough and moved back home?
As I have mentioned in previous posts, my dislike for living in the US has increased dramatically the last year, to the point that little things drive me crazy. I have been trying to let these things pass me by but it is not working.
I am starting to wonder of my heart is trying to send me a loud message, that trying to live here is not what i am supposed to do, that it will never make me happy, that I have already tried enough and it is time for me to move on.
Did anyone feel like that before they decided that enough was enough and moved back home?
I can understand that it's difficult not to let the negatives consume your every waking moment and I don't know much about your circumstances, but perhaps you could try and write these feelings in a journal so they don't keep building up inside?
Failing that, when I have been very unhappy in the past, I sat down and wrote novels, not that any of them have ever been published (I haven't tried), but I would get caught up in the time, the places and the characters and that helped me a lot. Just a thought.
#17
Re: Negativity that cannot be reversed?
There have been a lot of truths in these posts! The flame of dissatisfaction with your life fuelled by resentment is indeed a hard one to put out but yes, it can be done. It wont be easy but it can be done - fake it 'til you make it is a principle that works for me - if you do the positive self talk often enough and loudly enough you can convince yourself that not all you see around you is negative and horrible. With any of these things - if you consider how many years it took you to get to this state then expect to spend at least half as long again fixing it up (no magic pills unfortunately!).
Bottom line is that you have to make a decision one way or another because living in limbo is the hardest place to be. Once you have made the decision then it does get easier to get on with it.
Bottom line is that you have to make a decision one way or another because living in limbo is the hardest place to be. Once you have made the decision then it does get easier to get on with it.
#18
Re: Negativity that cannot be reversed?
Yep, I can identify with what you feel....but I think I've finally turned a corner, and that's why I'm posting.
Because negativity I believe can be reversed. I think you just need to incorporate a different mindset.
We've been in Canada for 5 years or so now, and I've just never really settled.
I need to 'tell' a little of our story, just so as you appreciate that in reality I do indeed get where you are coming from, but moreso to the point that things can get brighter with a different spin on things. I'm not a hippie dippie type promise.
O.K. in brief, in 5 years, my husband (43) has had major heart problems, and now has a pacemaker. He's also been advised he needs total knee replacements in both knees, but that the downside of this, is that he needs to 'continue' with his bad knees for as long as he can, because apparently artificial knees can only be replaced once (twice if your lucky). He has high cholesterol and has sleep apnoea (sleeps with a C Pap machine). Rather like a dead handsome darth vader Oh and he's a skinny bloke, so not what one would expect from those conditions. He has always been the sole earner in Canada. I just could not get a job here (usual qualification nonsense).
Eventually, we decided to return 'Home'. So in order to secure a morgage I went home first to start working, and secure us a morgage. Unfortunately I was involved in a car accident whilst I was home working. I was a rear seat passenger, so absolutely nothing to do with me. The driver of the car that hit us from behind was 'actioned' by the police (drink involved), and Liability was conceded eventually by his insurance company. Unfortunately my injuries went on to develop into a very unpleasant condition. Basically my hand does not move and I am on painkillers. The painkillers tend to make me rather a numpty brain at the dosage that I'm on, apparently these are common side effects. I don't think numpty brain is a textbook term, but I'm sure you get my drift . The reality for us know is that because of my hand, I have been classed as disabled (but get no benefits), and of course now cannot earn an income irrespective of being at home or in Canada. Hubbie can't go back home to secure a morgage because we live in a rural location, and I can no longer drive because of the hand and pain medications. Numpty brain syndrome as well as immobility in the hand. The problem for us is compounded because we have dogs (lots of dogs), and short of shooting them, we're stuck in Canada because of the size of the morgage we would need, with no near neighbors, 'cos of the baskerville hounds. We have however decided shooting the dogs is not an option
I could go on...FIL died last year, and MIL has Alzheimers, and SIL not coping, and needs support which is understandable. After a while it gets boring, and too be truthful I get bored recounting it! Bear with me, I'm getting to the point (promise...I think)!
Well the accident was 3 years ago, and still the insurance company, having conceded liability are arsing around. No payments yet for physio, drugs, interim payment nothing. Bad solicitors being in the mix as well. My pain medication alone is $1480 every 3 months (fortunately OH has benefits, but the Insurance Company are unaware of this). I have also developed high blood pressure as a result of the stress (seemingly).
Well the final straw came following a pap test..HSIL! So colposcopy and two further biopsys and a loop procedure, still coming back as HSIL. Unfortunately however the 'problem' is that high up, Onc/Gyn has to do a cone biopsy, which I had done on Thursday. So we're now at the waiting stage to see if it's Cancer, and if so at what stage. Best scenario I understand is a hysterectomy.
So.... hold on I told you I'm getting there......! What may you ask has actually changed. To be honest I think it's my attitude. Having said that it has been no easy task, but I am so sick and tired of feeling that I have no control, with anything, that I've finally figured enough's enough. The realisation is whilst there are some things I can't control, there are somethings I most definitely can. I'm beginning to look at the things that I can organise to make me feel better. Stupid simple things, that I'd lost alongside my will to live in Canada
At least us Brits can bloody well laugh at ourselves . I'm no oil painting , but I used to care about the way I looked and dressed. I've realised I've put on over 3 stone, and have developed lots of grey hair since being here I've looked at this forum on occassions but was never a frequent poster, as I never really could see the point, until I finally realised along with so many other things in my life that in order to extract something from any given situation, you actually need to imput, or contribute. We all impact other people in some way, shape or form, and we all have people that care for us, even if it's just that one person. I'm not an intellectual person, I am a feeling person and sometimes a stranger can make all the difference, just by reaching out, and sharing. Thanks sans
Well I've had two glasses of wine and I'm failing I hope I don't regret this post in the morning, but there's worse things out there and in the world, and if it helps (or not), at least this post was always well intentioned .
Because negativity I believe can be reversed. I think you just need to incorporate a different mindset.
We've been in Canada for 5 years or so now, and I've just never really settled.
I need to 'tell' a little of our story, just so as you appreciate that in reality I do indeed get where you are coming from, but moreso to the point that things can get brighter with a different spin on things. I'm not a hippie dippie type promise.
O.K. in brief, in 5 years, my husband (43) has had major heart problems, and now has a pacemaker. He's also been advised he needs total knee replacements in both knees, but that the downside of this, is that he needs to 'continue' with his bad knees for as long as he can, because apparently artificial knees can only be replaced once (twice if your lucky). He has high cholesterol and has sleep apnoea (sleeps with a C Pap machine). Rather like a dead handsome darth vader Oh and he's a skinny bloke, so not what one would expect from those conditions. He has always been the sole earner in Canada. I just could not get a job here (usual qualification nonsense).
Eventually, we decided to return 'Home'. So in order to secure a morgage I went home first to start working, and secure us a morgage. Unfortunately I was involved in a car accident whilst I was home working. I was a rear seat passenger, so absolutely nothing to do with me. The driver of the car that hit us from behind was 'actioned' by the police (drink involved), and Liability was conceded eventually by his insurance company. Unfortunately my injuries went on to develop into a very unpleasant condition. Basically my hand does not move and I am on painkillers. The painkillers tend to make me rather a numpty brain at the dosage that I'm on, apparently these are common side effects. I don't think numpty brain is a textbook term, but I'm sure you get my drift . The reality for us know is that because of my hand, I have been classed as disabled (but get no benefits), and of course now cannot earn an income irrespective of being at home or in Canada. Hubbie can't go back home to secure a morgage because we live in a rural location, and I can no longer drive because of the hand and pain medications. Numpty brain syndrome as well as immobility in the hand. The problem for us is compounded because we have dogs (lots of dogs), and short of shooting them, we're stuck in Canada because of the size of the morgage we would need, with no near neighbors, 'cos of the baskerville hounds. We have however decided shooting the dogs is not an option
I could go on...FIL died last year, and MIL has Alzheimers, and SIL not coping, and needs support which is understandable. After a while it gets boring, and too be truthful I get bored recounting it! Bear with me, I'm getting to the point (promise...I think)!
Well the accident was 3 years ago, and still the insurance company, having conceded liability are arsing around. No payments yet for physio, drugs, interim payment nothing. Bad solicitors being in the mix as well. My pain medication alone is $1480 every 3 months (fortunately OH has benefits, but the Insurance Company are unaware of this). I have also developed high blood pressure as a result of the stress (seemingly).
Well the final straw came following a pap test..HSIL! So colposcopy and two further biopsys and a loop procedure, still coming back as HSIL. Unfortunately however the 'problem' is that high up, Onc/Gyn has to do a cone biopsy, which I had done on Thursday. So we're now at the waiting stage to see if it's Cancer, and if so at what stage. Best scenario I understand is a hysterectomy.
So.... hold on I told you I'm getting there......! What may you ask has actually changed. To be honest I think it's my attitude. Having said that it has been no easy task, but I am so sick and tired of feeling that I have no control, with anything, that I've finally figured enough's enough. The realisation is whilst there are some things I can't control, there are somethings I most definitely can. I'm beginning to look at the things that I can organise to make me feel better. Stupid simple things, that I'd lost alongside my will to live in Canada
At least us Brits can bloody well laugh at ourselves . I'm no oil painting , but I used to care about the way I looked and dressed. I've realised I've put on over 3 stone, and have developed lots of grey hair since being here I've looked at this forum on occassions but was never a frequent poster, as I never really could see the point, until I finally realised along with so many other things in my life that in order to extract something from any given situation, you actually need to imput, or contribute. We all impact other people in some way, shape or form, and we all have people that care for us, even if it's just that one person. I'm not an intellectual person, I am a feeling person and sometimes a stranger can make all the difference, just by reaching out, and sharing. Thanks sans
Well I've had two glasses of wine and I'm failing I hope I don't regret this post in the morning, but there's worse things out there and in the world, and if it helps (or not), at least this post was always well intentioned .
#19
Forum Regular
Thread Starter
Joined: Dec 2007
Location: Back in Montreal, PQ
Posts: 98
Re: Negativity that cannot be reversed?
Rete, the reason I was so happy to have found this board was to be able to escape comments like "if you do not like it, leave etc..." Being able to talk to people who understand what it feels like to leave your country, your culture behind. It is not my intent to be rude but the fact that your husband or other people like living or want to live here is irrelevant to my question!
Once again, my question was asked to those who can relate...there are some things you cannot know unless you have lived it yourself and even then, experiences may differ. That is why I asked my question to those who have been there! (Reread my initial post)
I am sure you mean well but I already know what is logical, what I need to do etc...I am simply looking for understanding and human connection from those who know it firsthand.
Last edited by MademoiselleMtl; Mar 12th 2008 at 1:38 am. Reason: Elaborate on an idea...
#20
Re: Negativity that cannot be reversed?
Rete, the reason I was happy to have found this board was to read stories from people who can relate to how I am feeling. The fact that your husband or other people like it here is irrelevant! My intent is not to bash your country so no need for you to take it personally.
I do not take your negativity of my country personally nor did my post say that I did nor did I respond because I thought your negativity of my country was personal. I'm sure that you would not take my negativity of your province of Quebec personally either.
Your are right, I do not like it here! I resent being told how I feel and my resentment about being here stems from quite a few things.
No, it is not irrelevant. The point, is I feel very lonely and isolated and connecting with others who understand makes me feel less alone, less desperate!
I am sure you mean well but I already know what is logical, what I need to do etc...I am simply looking for understanding from those who know what this type of decision is like.
Adios!
#21
Forum Regular
Thread Starter
Joined: Dec 2007
Location: Back in Montreal, PQ
Posts: 98
Re: Negativity that cannot be reversed?
Rete, I have had a bad day and it was not my intent to be rude to you...I can tell by your previous posts that you have a loving and compassionate heart but your post took a turn when you mentioned your husband liking it here, that plenty of people like it in the US and want to move here. That changed the tone of things and is what caused my intense reaction.
Yes, I have had a chip my shoulder the last while, i am the first to admit that but I was reacting to a statement that I felt was written for the wrong reasons.
Your points were very matter of fact which was not a problem but the husband comment changed the tone of things and that is what I was reacting to.
Reading it made me feel how I often feel in my day to day encounters with people I know, like I should basically shut up and make a choice, leave if I do not like it. (I know that is not what you said) but that is how I felt when I read it.
Whatever the case, what I feel is what I feel but my apologies if it came across as being hurtful.
Yes, I have had a chip my shoulder the last while, i am the first to admit that but I was reacting to a statement that I felt was written for the wrong reasons.
Your points were very matter of fact which was not a problem but the husband comment changed the tone of things and that is what I was reacting to.
Reading it made me feel how I often feel in my day to day encounters with people I know, like I should basically shut up and make a choice, leave if I do not like it. (I know that is not what you said) but that is how I felt when I read it.
Whatever the case, what I feel is what I feel but my apologies if it came across as being hurtful.
Last edited by MademoiselleMtl; Mar 12th 2008 at 2:52 am. Reason: expanding
#22
Just Joined
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 3
Re: Negativity that cannot be reversed?
Sounds like a classic case of culture shock phase 2 or even 3 :-
"This may lead to the second stage of culture shock, known as the "rejection phase." The newcomer may begin to feel aggressive and start to complain about the host culture/country. It is important to recognize that these feelings are real and can become serious. This phase is a kind of crisis in the 'disease' of culture shock. It is called the "rejection" phase because it is at this point that the newcomer starts to reject the host country, complaining about and noticing only the bad things that bother them. At this stage the newcomer either gets stronger and stays, or gets weaker and goes home (physically, mentally or both)."
http://www.johnsesl.com/templates/reading/cultureshock/
for the full lot... Lot's of examples of it on the interweb
"This may lead to the second stage of culture shock, known as the "rejection phase." The newcomer may begin to feel aggressive and start to complain about the host culture/country. It is important to recognize that these feelings are real and can become serious. This phase is a kind of crisis in the 'disease' of culture shock. It is called the "rejection" phase because it is at this point that the newcomer starts to reject the host country, complaining about and noticing only the bad things that bother them. At this stage the newcomer either gets stronger and stays, or gets weaker and goes home (physically, mentally or both)."
http://www.johnsesl.com/templates/reading/cultureshock/
for the full lot... Lot's of examples of it on the interweb
Last edited by Hoista; Mar 12th 2008 at 3:23 am.
#23
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,560
Re: Negativity that cannot be reversed?
I have been trying to make a solid effort regarding being less negative about things I cannot change but I am starting to wonder if one can get caught up in a mental state that cannot be changed.
As I have mentioned in previous posts, my dislike for living in the US has increased dramatically the last year, to the point that little things drive me crazy. I have been trying to let these things pass me by but it is not working.
I am starting to wonder of my heart is trying to send me a loud message, that trying to live here is not what i am supposed to do, that it will never make me happy, that I have already tried enough and it is time for me to move on.
Did anyone feel like that before they decided that enough was enough and moved back home?
As I have mentioned in previous posts, my dislike for living in the US has increased dramatically the last year, to the point that little things drive me crazy. I have been trying to let these things pass me by but it is not working.
I am starting to wonder of my heart is trying to send me a loud message, that trying to live here is not what i am supposed to do, that it will never make me happy, that I have already tried enough and it is time for me to move on.
Did anyone feel like that before they decided that enough was enough and moved back home?
very pretty avater pic BTW
#24
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 67
Re: Negativity that cannot be reversed?
quote "The word "regression" means moving backward, and in this phase of culture shock, you spend much of your time speaking your own language, watching videos from your home country, eating food from home" - this sounds like me at the moment. Watching all things scottish on internet and listening to scottish music I dont even like!!
still cant figure out if i am just a bit homesick or truley wanting to go back. just dont want to be sitting here 10 years down the line saying the same things. but saying that, i really dont feel that negative about the place as i've said before - its just that its just not home and i dont think it ever will be.
still cant figure out if i am just a bit homesick or truley wanting to go back. just dont want to be sitting here 10 years down the line saying the same things. but saying that, i really dont feel that negative about the place as i've said before - its just that its just not home and i dont think it ever will be.
#25
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Joined: May 2007
Location: England
Posts: 4,206
Re: Negativity that cannot be reversed?
Rete, I have had a bad day and it was not my intent to be rude to you...I can tell by your previous posts that you have a loving and compassionate heart but your post took a turn when you mentioned your husband liking it here, that plenty of people like it in the US and want to move here. That changed the tone of things and is what caused my intense reaction.
Yes, I have had a chip my shoulder the last while, i am the first to admit that but I was reacting to a statement that I felt was written for the wrong reasons.
Your points were very matter of fact which was not a problem but the husband comment changed the tone of things and that is what I was reacting to.
Reading it made me feel how I often feel in my day to day encounters with people I know, like I should basically shut up and make a choice, leave if I do not like it. (I know that is not what you said) but that is how I felt when I read it.
Whatever the case, what I feel is what I feel but my apologies if it came across as being hurtful.
Yes, I have had a chip my shoulder the last while, i am the first to admit that but I was reacting to a statement that I felt was written for the wrong reasons.
Your points were very matter of fact which was not a problem but the husband comment changed the tone of things and that is what I was reacting to.
Reading it made me feel how I often feel in my day to day encounters with people I know, like I should basically shut up and make a choice, leave if I do not like it. (I know that is not what you said) but that is how I felt when I read it.
Whatever the case, what I feel is what I feel but my apologies if it came across as being hurtful.
Take care and hope all goes well with you and your husband....
#26
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Thread Starter
Joined: Dec 2007
Location: Back in Montreal, PQ
Posts: 98
Re: Negativity that cannot be reversed?
Oh just ignore threads from Rete, the reason I come on this site is because I want to go back home and feel isolated in who I can explain my feelings to...it really, really helps when you can "chat" to people who are going through the same feelings and situations as you are......I do not like people who seem to come on this forum when it is for Brits who are missing or going/gone home and have a "go" at us for not enjoying the country they now live in (for whatever reasons) or for just are plainly missing "home".........it gets my goat it really does......and you do not come across as hurtful to people who know what you are going through only to those who don't
Take care and hope all goes well with you and your husband....
Take care and hope all goes well with you and your husband....
Thanks for your support and understanding, very appreciated!
#27
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Joined: Jun 2007
Location: UK-CA-OR-VA-Home
Posts: 306
Re: Negativity that cannot be reversed?
It's definitely a cultural thing. I had a job interview last week, and the woman there was saying how she's having a hard time convincing people in her department that they need to work on the internal "culture". She'd been out in the US for some training and wanted to do something back home to make the work life more enjoyable. However, the concept of making work fun was, she was told, a very American concept and not something that would go down well! I guess people like to be miserable for at least one-third of their time on earth! She's trying to come up with language that would be less "jolly" and Americanised so she can sell it better. It did make me laugh, but at the same time sad. I love it here, and I really want to make a go at it, but the way people dish down the country really is hard to take. You just want people to be proud of it - maybe everyone should leave for a couple of years and then come back! Might make them appreciate it more.
#28
Re: Negativity that cannot be reversed?
#29
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Joined: Oct 2005
Location: Formerly Montreal now Oxfordshire, UK
Posts: 545
Re: Negativity that cannot be reversed?
I'm living in Montreal from the UK and have the same problem as you, it's the little things that get totally and utterly blown out of all proportion. However I can definitely see why you would miss Montreal. It's got a lot of character and culture.
Little things like the drivers, the snow, English language discrimination bother me much more than they should, however things have started to change
I deliberately kept my business in the UK when I arrived here, for a time it looked like it would fail and that I would need to get a job at the bottom of the ladder in Montreal, with 2 weeks holiday per year, so I'd never afford or have time to go home. Things have taken a turn for the better, and my business has expanded and I get to go back home more on business.
My wife has relented from "we are here forever" and suggested we keep revisiting going back to the UK to live every year, she was even prepared to go back immediately, so I was the one who said lets give it another year, that has taken all the pressure off.
It seems all these negatives have turned into positives, I still am homesick and would ulitmately want to live in the UK but I am enjoying my life here now, but it did require some compromise from my other half, maybe thats all you need.
Jonathan