Rete

Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. I'm telling you in advance, so don't act surprised. Since Ms. Stewart won't be coming, I've made a few small changes:

Our sidewalk will not be lined with homemade, paper bag luminaries. After a trial run, it was decided that no matter how cleverly done, rows of flaming lunch sacks do not have the desired welcoming effect.

The dining table will not be covered with expensive linens, fancy china or crystal goblets. If possible, we will use dishes that match and everyone will get a fork. Since this IS Thanksgiving, we will refrain from using the plastic Peter Rabbit plate and the Santa napkins from last Christmas.

Our centerpiece will not be the tower of fresh fruit and flowers that I promised. Instead we will be displaying a hedgehog-like decoration that has been hand-crafted from the finest construction paper. The artist assures me it's a turkey.

We will be dining fashionably late. The children will entertain you while you wait. I'm sure they will be happy to share every choice comment I have made regarding Thanksgiving, pilgrims and the turkey hotline. Please remember that most of these comments were made at 5:00 a.m. upon discovering that the turkey was still hard enough to cut diamonds.

As accompaniment to the children's recital, I will play a recording of tribal drumming. If the children should mention that I don't own a recording of tribal drumming or that the tribal drumming sounds suspiciously like a frozen turkey in a clothes dryer, ignore them. They are lying.

We toyed with the idea of ringing a dainty silver bell to announce the start of our feast. In the end, we chose to keep our traditional method. We've also decided against a formal seating arrangement. When the smoke alarm sounds, please gather around the table and sit where you like. In the spirit of harmony, we will ask the children to sit at a separate table. In a separate room. Next door.

Now I know you have all seen pictures of one person carving a turkey in front of a crowd of appreciative onlookers. This will not be happening at our dinner. For safety reasons, the turkey will be carved in a private ceremony. I stress "private" meaning this: Do not, under any circumstances enter the kitchen to laugh at me. Do not send small, unsuspecting children to check on my progress. I have an electric knife. The turkey is unarmed. It stands to reason that I will eventually win. When I do, we will eat.

Oh before I forget, there is one last change. Instead of offering a choice between 12 different scrumptious desserts, we will be serving the traditional pumpkin pie. Garnished with whipped cream and small fingerprints. You will have a choice. Take it or leave it.

Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. Come to think of it, she probably won't make it next year either. I am thankful!

Happy Thanksgiving!

keira-2007

... and you're obviously devastated by this.

How about inviting Paula Dean (that is the "southern home cookin'" lady isn't it?) Or what about Sandy Lee (is that the one that dresses to match her table settings?)

I'm sorry i've been here a month, and have only just found channel 64. I still get my "essence of emeril" mixed up with my rachel ray's favourites.

Wish I could cook!

jenniferpa

I really wonder who wrote this originally. Obviously someone who owns (as I must admit I do) M Stewarts Christmas book (what can I say - I used to try).

Rete

Don't have a clue. Got it in an e-mail.

NC Penguin

Aaagh. Ms. Deen really gets on my <<insert proverbial word here>>!:curse: She may have some talent but her personality really is too much.

Um, fat middle-aged man versus dark haired young woman with chipmunk cheeks. I cannot understand how you could possibly mix the two of them up.

If you want to cook American standards, I recommend Alton Brown and recipes from America's Test Kitchen (or buy their magazine, Cooks Illustrated).

Redlippie

His show is GOOD EATS, on the Food Network.

Highly amusing and very entertaining. He has a very dry sense of humor

Argh, I live in the south and still can't stand Paula Deen's accent....

frrussre

Shame Martha will not be with you, here after dinner treat to you & yours could be "My days in prison & how I survived" "Fashion sense, in Sing Sing" "What bitch, stole my makeup", "I hate it when my room mate snores".
Reg. Frank R.

Paul S

there's 4 I can't stand from the Food network,

unfortunately you missed out the one I really can't stand




he's a legend in his own lunchtime

Elvira

I love cooking and watching cookery programmes, but these 4 (Paula Deen, Emeril Lagassi, Rachael Ray and Giada de Laurentis) I absolutely cannot stand.

I wish they showed more of Gordon Ramsay actually cooking rather than ranting and criticising other people's cooking. The guy must be the best cook on the planet.

AmerLisa

That picture is just scary!!!

Rete

Actually, I was hoping she would come as I need some help with a crochet pattern I'm having a bit of problem with.

Elvira

http://www.slashfood.com/2007/07/23/...n-new-meaning/

Rete

Isn't it though. I hate that phony smile. Yikes!

But I do love her cooking.

frrussre

I call & tell her you need her!
Reg. Frank R.

Redlippie

I like Rachael. Also like Emeril, but only when he's doing his solo show, where he's alone in the kitchen, not his Emeril live bit. That is just downright annoying.

I ADORE Ramsay