Making friends...

Old Jul 15th 2012, 1:33 pm
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Default Making friends...

There is an interesting piece in the NY Times today about "Making Friends when you are older". Basically the point of the article is that once you reach a certain age making 'best friends' becomes a more difficult task and you start to migrate to "kind of friends".

Relates to the expat-life in that many folks who come over are leaving the circle of "best friends" and having to start from scratch just about the same time most people are scaling back their friendship making efforts. Can't even count how many posts you see that say "I can't make any friends like the ones I had before".

http://www.nytimes.com/2012/07/15/fa...-an-adult.html

Our story is not unusual. In your 30s and 40s, plenty of new people enter your life, through work, children’s play dates and, of course, Facebook. But actual close friends — the kind you make in college, the kind you call in a crisis — those are in shorter supply.

As people approach midlife, the days of youthful exploration, when life felt like one big blind date, are fading. Schedules compress, priorities change and people often become pickier in what they want in their friends.

No matter how many friends you make, a sense of fatalism can creep in: the period for making B.F.F.’s, the way you did in your teens or early 20s, is pretty much over. It’s time to resign yourself to situational friends: K.O.F.’s (kind of friends) — for now.
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Old Jul 15th 2012, 5:11 pm
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Default Re: Making friends...

Yeah, that's so true.

Lots of friends here, but they aren't the kind of great mates that'll go bail you out 3 in the morning because you've done something stupid that mates from uni would do, nor would they be the friends sitting beside you in the klink like the kind of mates from school

Friends here are very situational, because they're parents and kids go to the same things, or you play sports together, or work colleagues. It's definitely a different kind of circle of friends.
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Old Jul 15th 2012, 5:18 pm
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Default Re: Making friends...

Good article and so true. I can count on one hand the number of actual friends I have. Learn over the years, that the only true friend I have is myself and my husband. It nice to hang out with a few couples every month or so but to be honest, I now prefer my own company or to be with my husband. We can be stupid, mad at each other, love each other, ignore each other and we will still be friends with each other in the end.
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Old Jul 15th 2012, 5:19 pm
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Default Re: Making friends...

Very interesting article and there is a lot of truth in it. The older I get (I just turned 59) the harder it is to make friends. I've lived in the US for 22 years now, but really and truly have no "close" friends. I have work colleagues, book club "friends", neighbors, etc, but no-one that I can call close - not like my childhood friends I grew up with in N Ireland, or the friends I made when I lived as a young adult in England (and I am looking forward to seeing all of them when I go back to the UK for a visit in the Fall). I used to think part of the problem was me (I am shy by nature) partly because I came to the US when I was in my late 30s and partly because I find American women harder to get to know, but now I'm wondering if it really is just an "age" thing. When we get older, it really is harder to make friends so I just do the best I can. I live in a condo complex and the Homeowner's Assoc tries to schedule events for us to get to know one another. That helps a lot. I'm off to see and hear the wonderful Cleveland Orchestra this evening with my neighbors - really looking forward to that!!
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Old Jul 15th 2012, 5:43 pm
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Default Re: Making friends...

Originally Posted by Derrygal
...I live in a condo complex and the Homeowner's Assoc tries to schedule events for us to get to know one another. That helps a lot. I'm off to see and hear the wonderful Cleveland Orchestra this evening with my neighbors - really looking forward to that!!
When we moved into the last place we lived at, a condo, I thought it would be easy to make friends as everyone was so close. After a year, I only just new the name of the wife upstairs, no idea who the folks were next door and knew a couple of parents a building over as the kids played in between, but only went to theirs the once for drinks.

It was really surreal how even if you did introduce yourself to people there, they just weren't interested, even those with kids of a similar age range.

It was a weird condo complex any way, so probably not indicative of condo life, but another reason why we'd rather not do another one. The only thing we really miss from that place was the garage under each unit and perhaps the central AC.
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Old Jul 15th 2012, 5:46 pm
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Default Re: Making friends...

I lost contact with most of my old UK friends, and met a lot of people over the years but few I'd call real friends. Still, all that has changed and by moving to a place where I feel I belong I've made some great friends over the past few months. These are the kind of people I like to drink with, and the kind who will happily pet-sit or lend their car etc.
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Old Jul 15th 2012, 6:27 pm
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Default Re: Making friends...

Age is part of it, and then people seem to socialize differently here. I find that the women in my area never just want to go out for the sake of it, it has to be for fundraising or something. Have finally come to terms with it mentally and don't even try now.
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Old Jul 15th 2012, 7:56 pm
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Default Re: Making friends...

We have 2 sets of good friends in the UK. Both because of the kids when they were smaller. Just 1 good friend and his wife here. We met them through DH's work in MA. They get the Brit sense of humour and drinking habits. No friends here in CO, just people we know as aquaintances. I find it difficult to make friends as I'm really shy and not very outgoing, but it doesn't bother me too much, as I am ok with my own and hubby's company.
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Old Jul 15th 2012, 9:30 pm
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Default Re: Making friends...

Cultural differences are a big part of it, and lack of shared experience.

And really, a few good friends are better than a big circle of acquaintances in any case. I do miss the casual company of the pub though - in fact, BE is more like a pub than anything else in that regard.
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Old Jul 15th 2012, 10:22 pm
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Default Re: Making friends...

Originally Posted by Bob
but they aren't the kind of great mates that'll go bail you out 3 in the morning because you've done something stupid that mates from uni would do, nor would they be the friends sitting beside you in the klink like the kind of mates from school
I also think that once you get that little bit older, you have (mostly ) out-grown "doing something stupid" or sitting in the klink together. Those bonding moments when you are young and ready to take on the world.

By the time you get to your 30's, 40's of 50's, any situation that might require a 3am "help me" phone call are more likely to be discovering your partner is having an affairs, diagnosis of cancer or injury from a car crash, or death of a loved one - you know, all the really great stuff that can up-end your whole world. Any of those situations would require a lot of investment of time from a new friend that they just may not be willing or able to offer.

But it would help you sort the wheat from the chaff!
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Old Jul 16th 2012, 2:10 pm
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Wink Re: Making friends...

our experience is that the locals here are full of smiles, have a nice day, etc., but very private and reserved beneath that. Friendships are more formal, you need to book time weeks ahead, and so we meet "good friends" 3-4 times a year for dinner....
One thing is that most Americans with kids our age are 10 years older, so that got in the way a bit when our son was school age.
And they move around the country a lot more - so why invest in good friendships? We'd get friendly with people, then off they go to Chicago, New York, San Francisco. Most of my old crowd from London have only moved along the tube lines!
And the humor thing... for some odd reason, acerbic sarcasm and withering criticism of honored American institutions (the politics, healthcare, transportation, etc) seems to turn people off! But that seems to be half the fun of being here, having fun at the expense of the natives!
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Old Jul 16th 2012, 3:04 pm
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Default Re: Making friends...

I think beyond simply age, making friends is contingent upon meeting people at similar points in their lives and going through similar things.

Case in point, I recently established what I’d consider to be a “good” friend with someone who moved here from Michigan 2 years ago. He’s in a similar boat of being early 30s and having to start again when it comes to friends. We can talk about getting settled in Boston, trying to make sense of New England terms, etc, etc.

I have a couple of good friends also through work. Both have kids of near identical ages to ours and the wives get on well also.

But I’ve worked at other places where either kids are younger/older and/or they’re completely settled in the area. Makes life considerably tougher and I got nowhere with making friends. Barely had anyone to have lunch with

Of late, I’ve also started to have less shame about using the novelty of being English. If it gets my foot in the “friends door” I’ll answer mundane questions about the Queen and what food I miss if it breaks the ice quickly
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Old Jul 16th 2012, 4:04 pm
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Default Re: Making friends...

Originally Posted by davidtheprof
One thing is that most Americans with kids our age are 10 years older, so that got in the way a bit when our son was school age.
We found that too...we were the youngest when we went to a play group thing by around 10-15 years pretty much at the time and when our first was born, we were 28. The best moment was when a teenage mum turned up once so I wasn't the youngest

Town we're in now is a little different, still a lot older parents, but at the events, tend to be more grandparents with the kids. The last town, if it weren't a SAHM, it was a Brazilian nanny.
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Old Jul 16th 2012, 6:46 pm
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Default Re: Making friends...

It does feel like it gets harder to hold onto/find close friends. I have a small group of people who I consider to fall into that category and most of them I have met through my husband, they have been his close friends for years.

I feel too that there is a lot to do as a previous poster said, about meeting people who are on a similar journey/time in their lives and making connections. For me at least, this has been a similar feeling with sports. I had people I would have 8 months ago, described as close friends, but now I hardly see, hardly speak to and refer to as just friends. This has been down to me taking a step away from the sport I play/team I'm with, and us no longer sharing that common ground.
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Old Jul 16th 2012, 7:09 pm
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Default Re: Making friends...

Originally Posted by hobbes79
I think beyond simply age, making friends is contingent upon meeting people at similar points in their lives and going through similar things.
...
This. I've always been picky about the people I consider to be friends, and have always let weak friendships drift when moving away from a job or town.
At the moment, I'm in a very small town (which helps - everyone wants to at least know who you are) where most of us are outdoors-loving hardy types from very different backgrounds.
I like like I'm on Cheers when I walk into my local
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