Just for laughs..
Jul 26th 2008, 6:55 pm
#1
An Unknown Yank Fraction
Thread Starter
Joined: Mar 2008
Location: BasVegas
Posts: 182
Just for laughs..
A typical bloke, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take
a holiday. He booked himself on a cruise and proceeded to have the time of
his life, that is, until the ship sank.
He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies,
nothing, only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying
on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen
rows up to the shore.
In disbelief, he asks, 'Where did you come from? How did
you get here?' She replies, 'I rowed from the other side of the
island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank.'
'Amazing,' he notes. 'You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up
with you.' 'Oh, this thing?' explains the woman. 'I made the boat out of
raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum
tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and
stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.
'But, where did you get the tools?'
'Oh, that was no problem,' replied the woman. 'On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to
a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.'
The guy is stunned.
'Let's row over to my place,' she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.
While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, 'It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?'
'No! No thank you,' he blurts out, still dazed. 'I can't take another drop of
coconut juice.' 'It's not coconut juice,' winks the woman. 'I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?'
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.
After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, 'I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet.'
No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom.
There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two
shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a
swivel mechanism. 'This woman is amazing,' he muses. 'What next?'
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.
'Tell me,' she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, 'We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?' She stares into his eyes ..
He swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes.....
'Flippin' hell, don't tell me you've got Sky Sports?'
a holiday. He booked himself on a cruise and proceeded to have the time of
his life, that is, until the ship sank.
He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies,
nothing, only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying
on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen
rows up to the shore.
In disbelief, he asks, 'Where did you come from? How did
you get here?' She replies, 'I rowed from the other side of the
island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank.'
'Amazing,' he notes. 'You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up
with you.' 'Oh, this thing?' explains the woman. 'I made the boat out of
raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum
tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and
stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.
'But, where did you get the tools?'
'Oh, that was no problem,' replied the woman. 'On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to
a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.'
The guy is stunned.
'Let's row over to my place,' she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.
While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, 'It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?'
'No! No thank you,' he blurts out, still dazed. 'I can't take another drop of
coconut juice.' 'It's not coconut juice,' winks the woman. 'I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?'
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.
After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, 'I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet.'
No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom.
There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two
shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a
swivel mechanism. 'This woman is amazing,' he muses. 'What next?'
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.
'Tell me,' she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, 'We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?' She stares into his eyes ..
He swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes.....
'Flippin' hell, don't tell me you've got Sky Sports?'
Jul 27th 2008, 12:14 am
#2
Lost in BE Cyberspace
Joined: Jun 2005
Location: Oz -> UK -> San Diego
Posts: 9,912
Re: Just for laughs..
LOL
Jul 27th 2008, 1:15 am
#3
Forum Regular
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 49
Re: Just for laughs..
Well, I think it deserved more than a lol!!
Very good, I've had to adjust to humour here in the States, a bit different!
Very good, I've had to adjust to humour here in the States, a bit different!
Jul 27th 2008, 9:11 am
#4
An Unknown Yank Fraction
Thread Starter
Joined: Mar 2008
Location: BasVegas
Posts: 182
Re: Just for laughs..
I was hoping that there would be a plethora of jokes to follow from fellow BE members but apparently it isn't the right time for humour
Jul 27th 2008, 12:56 pm
#5
Lost in BE Cyberspace
Joined: Jun 2005
Location: Oz -> UK -> San Diego
Posts: 9,912
Re: Just for laughs..
It was a long joke though - I nearly gave up halfway through...maybe some people didn't get to the end?
Don't worry 'bout it
Jul 27th 2008, 1:38 pm
#6
Forum Regular
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 72
Re: Just for laughs..
2 Scousers are riding along the M62 from Manchester to Liverpool on a
motorbike. They break down and start hitching a lift. A friendly trucker
stops to see if he can help and the scousers ask him for a lift. He tells
them he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying 20,000
bowling balls but will take a look at the bike for them.
He tries everything he knows but is unable to repair it. Time is getting on
now and he's late for his delivery so he tells the scousers he has to leave.
"R hey lad" they say "gissa lift". The trucker once again explains that he
has no room as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls. The scousers put it to
the driver that if they can manage to fit in the back will he take them and
he agrees.
They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the
wagon so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way. By this time he
is really late and so puts his foot down. Sure enough PC Plod of Greater
Manchester Police pulls him up for speeding. The good officer asks the
driver what he is carrying to which he replies Scouse Eggs. The policeman
obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look. He opens the back
door and quickly shuts it and locks it. He gets onto his radio and calls for
immediate backup from as many officers as possible.
The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many officers.
"I've got a wagon with 20,000 Scouse eggs in it - 2 have already hatched and
the bastards have managed to nick a motorbike already".
motorbike. They break down and start hitching a lift. A friendly trucker
stops to see if he can help and the scousers ask him for a lift. He tells
them he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying 20,000
bowling balls but will take a look at the bike for them.
He tries everything he knows but is unable to repair it. Time is getting on
now and he's late for his delivery so he tells the scousers he has to leave.
"R hey lad" they say "gissa lift". The trucker once again explains that he
has no room as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls. The scousers put it to
the driver that if they can manage to fit in the back will he take them and
he agrees.
They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the
wagon so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way. By this time he
is really late and so puts his foot down. Sure enough PC Plod of Greater
Manchester Police pulls him up for speeding. The good officer asks the
driver what he is carrying to which he replies Scouse Eggs. The policeman
obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look. He opens the back
door and quickly shuts it and locks it. He gets onto his radio and calls for
immediate backup from as many officers as possible.
The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many officers.
"I've got a wagon with 20,000 Scouse eggs in it - 2 have already hatched and
the bastards have managed to nick a motorbike already".
Jul 27th 2008, 1:42 pm
#7
Lost in BE Cyberspace
Joined: Jun 2005
Location: Oz -> UK -> San Diego
Posts: 9,912
Re: Just for laughs..
PMSL!!
Jul 27th 2008, 1:52 pm
#8
Forum Regular
Joined: Apr 2008
Location: Aberdeen, Scotland
Posts: 77
Re: Just for laughs..
HAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAH! Brilliant!
Jul 27th 2008, 6:01 pm
#10
An Unknown Yank Fraction
Thread Starter
Joined: Mar 2008
Location: BasVegas
Posts: 182
Re: Just for laughs..
2 Scousers are riding along the M62 from Manchester to Liverpool on a
motorbike. They break down and start hitching a lift. A friendly trucker
stops to see if he can help and the scousers ask him for a lift. He tells
them he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying 20,000
bowling balls but will take a look at the bike for them.
He tries everything he knows but is unable to repair it. Time is getting on
now and he's late for his delivery so he tells the scousers he has to leave.
"R hey lad" they say "gissa lift". The trucker once again explains that he
has no room as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls. The scousers put it to
the driver that if they can manage to fit in the back will he take them and
he agrees.
They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the
wagon so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way. By this time he
is really late and so puts his foot down. Sure enough PC Plod of Greater
Manchester Police pulls him up for speeding. The good officer asks the
driver what he is carrying to which he replies Scouse Eggs. The policeman
obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look. He opens the back
door and quickly shuts it and locks it. He gets onto his radio and calls for
immediate backup from as many officers as possible.
The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many officers.
"I've got a wagon with 20,000 Scouse eggs in it - 2 have already hatched and
the bastards have managed to nick a motorbike already".
motorbike. They break down and start hitching a lift. A friendly trucker
stops to see if he can help and the scousers ask him for a lift. He tells
them he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying 20,000
bowling balls but will take a look at the bike for them.
He tries everything he knows but is unable to repair it. Time is getting on
now and he's late for his delivery so he tells the scousers he has to leave.
"R hey lad" they say "gissa lift". The trucker once again explains that he
has no room as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls. The scousers put it to
the driver that if they can manage to fit in the back will he take them and
he agrees.
They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the
wagon so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way. By this time he
is really late and so puts his foot down. Sure enough PC Plod of Greater
Manchester Police pulls him up for speeding. The good officer asks the
driver what he is carrying to which he replies Scouse Eggs. The policeman
obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look. He opens the back
door and quickly shuts it and locks it. He gets onto his radio and calls for
immediate backup from as many officers as possible.
The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many officers.
"I've got a wagon with 20,000 Scouse eggs in it - 2 have already hatched and
the bastards have managed to nick a motorbike already".
Jul 28th 2008, 4:59 am
#11
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Sep 2003
Location: Grand Rapids, MI
Posts: 4,525
Re: Just for laughs..
A guy is late for work so he puts his foot down, hoping to make up sometime.
A few miles down the road he gets stopped by the police, he apologies and explains he is late for work, the cop asks he is name and he replies Mr Wankbreak, the cop asks where he works and he replies the furniture factory on the other side of town. The cop decides to let him off with a warning and sends him on his way.
Once out of sight, he floors it again and is doing 20 over the limit, when he gets stopped by another cop. Again he says he is sorry and explains that he is really late for work. The cop asks his name, 'Mr Wankbreak' and where he works, 'the furniture factory on the other side of town'. Again he gets a warning and is sent on his way.
At lunch time, the two cops get together at the pub and one starts talking about pulling a guy called Mr Wankbreak, realising they both stopped the same guy they wonder if he was kidding them and decide to check him out.
One calls the furniture factory and asks the guy on the phone if they have a Wankbreak at the factory...
The guy replies, not here mate, we don't even get a f%#king coffee break!
A few miles down the road he gets stopped by the police, he apologies and explains he is late for work, the cop asks he is name and he replies Mr Wankbreak, the cop asks where he works and he replies the furniture factory on the other side of town. The cop decides to let him off with a warning and sends him on his way.
Once out of sight, he floors it again and is doing 20 over the limit, when he gets stopped by another cop. Again he says he is sorry and explains that he is really late for work. The cop asks his name, 'Mr Wankbreak' and where he works, 'the furniture factory on the other side of town'. Again he gets a warning and is sent on his way.
At lunch time, the two cops get together at the pub and one starts talking about pulling a guy called Mr Wankbreak, realising they both stopped the same guy they wonder if he was kidding them and decide to check him out.
One calls the furniture factory and asks the guy on the phone if they have a Wankbreak at the factory...
The guy replies, not here mate, we don't even get a f%#king coffee break!
Jul 28th 2008, 12:53 pm
#12
Lost in BE Cyberspace
Joined: Jun 2005
Location: Oz -> UK -> San Diego
Posts: 9,912
Re: Just for laughs..
LOL...naughty!
Jul 28th 2008, 2:08 pm
#13
An Unknown Yank Fraction
Thread Starter
Joined: Mar 2008
Location: BasVegas
Posts: 182
Re: Just for laughs..
Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.
Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.
One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!," he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.
As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said "On your way, Ma'am."
As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Butt- Naked, and holding his dick in his hand. "Oh, good grief," yelled Ethel, "Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again.!!!"
Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.
One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!," he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.
As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said "On your way, Ma'am."
As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Butt- Naked, and holding his dick in his hand. "Oh, good grief," yelled Ethel, "Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again.!!!"
Jul 28th 2008, 2:24 pm
#14
Lost in BE Cyberspace
Joined: Jun 2005
Location: Oz -> UK -> San Diego
Posts: 9,912
Re: Just for laughs..
Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.
Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.
One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!," he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.
As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said "On your way, Ma'am."
As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Butt- Naked, and holding his dick in his hand. "Oh, good grief," yelled Ethel, "Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again.!!!"
Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.
One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!," he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.
As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said "On your way, Ma'am."
As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Butt- Naked, and holding his dick in his hand. "Oh, good grief," yelled Ethel, "Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again.!!!"
