all going pear shaped
Jan 24th 2007, 7:32 am
#31
Joined: Dec 2004
Location: Planet Earth, for now.
Posts: 719
Re: all going pear shaped
UPDATE,
I talked to the wife tonight, she had changed her date on the flight to jan 27 originally coming back in the 3rd but because of her mums condition she needed more time.Anyway I asked her if she was getting on that plane on the 27th and she said she can't get on a plane knowing it would be the last time she sees her mum,plus her mum would be in a right mess without her which is true.
So basically it seems I will see my wife and daughter when her mum dies whenever that maybe,I never thought I would ever be in the situation I am in right now,btw her job provides health insurance and she is under some illusion she will keep her job once she tells them she won't be back at work on the 29th and has no fixed date of when she will be back just whenever her mum dies.
If she looses her job and we loose health insurance I will have to pay about $800 per month for it (self employed) also we loose her $1000 per month income.
Sorry to go on with my sob story but I just have to vent somewhere as my kids (2 came back with me) for sure don't need to hear it,just wondering has anyone been in a situation like this before????
I talked to the wife tonight, she had changed her date on the flight to jan 27 originally coming back in the 3rd but because of her mums condition she needed more time.Anyway I asked her if she was getting on that plane on the 27th and she said she can't get on a plane knowing it would be the last time she sees her mum,plus her mum would be in a right mess without her which is true.
So basically it seems I will see my wife and daughter when her mum dies whenever that maybe,I never thought I would ever be in the situation I am in right now,btw her job provides health insurance and she is under some illusion she will keep her job once she tells them she won't be back at work on the 29th and has no fixed date of when she will be back just whenever her mum dies.
If she looses her job and we loose health insurance I will have to pay about $800 per month for it (self employed) also we loose her $1000 per month income.
Sorry to go on with my sob story but I just have to vent somewhere as my kids (2 came back with me) for sure don't need to hear it,just wondering has anyone been in a situation like this before????
We came back with very little but still have our house. It's been very tough for us and still is but we may return to NZ. It's tough i know but it will pass. best of luck to you. Len.
Jan 24th 2007, 10:55 am
#32
BE Enthusiast
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 548
Re: all going pear shaped
UPDATE,
I talked to the wife tonight, she had changed her date on the flight to jan 27 originally coming back in the 3rd but because of her mums condition she needed more time.Anyway I asked her if she was getting on that plane on the 27th and she said she can't get on a plane knowing it would be the last time she sees her mum,plus her mum would be in a right mess without her which is true.
So basically it seems I will see my wife and daughter when her mum dies whenever that maybe,I never thought I would ever be in the situation I am in right now,btw her job provides health insurance and she is under some illusion she will keep her job once she tells them she won't be back at work on the 29th and has no fixed date of when she will be back just whenever her mum dies.
If she looses her job and we loose health insurance I will have to pay about $800 per month for it (self employed) also we loose her $1000 per month income.
Sorry to go on with my sob story but I just have to vent somewhere as my kids (2 came back with me) for sure don't need to hear it,just wondering has anyone been in a situation like this before????
I talked to the wife tonight, she had changed her date on the flight to jan 27 originally coming back in the 3rd but because of her mums condition she needed more time.Anyway I asked her if she was getting on that plane on the 27th and she said she can't get on a plane knowing it would be the last time she sees her mum,plus her mum would be in a right mess without her which is true.
So basically it seems I will see my wife and daughter when her mum dies whenever that maybe,I never thought I would ever be in the situation I am in right now,btw her job provides health insurance and she is under some illusion she will keep her job once she tells them she won't be back at work on the 29th and has no fixed date of when she will be back just whenever her mum dies.
If she looses her job and we loose health insurance I will have to pay about $800 per month for it (self employed) also we loose her $1000 per month income.
Sorry to go on with my sob story but I just have to vent somewhere as my kids (2 came back with me) for sure don't need to hear it,just wondering has anyone been in a situation like this before????
Yes I can realy empathise with your situation totally We had been planning the move to NZ for two years all the family were so supportive of our move Finally got the go ahead with residency OH got a great job moved over really couldnt believe how lucky we were three weeks in ,Then the telephone call at 5am why is it all in the early morning my dad had passed away suddenly from lung cancer No one had any idea I didnt get to see him before he passed away I would have given anything to be there your wife really needs this time I so wish i had had it with my dad finances do recover although it probably dosnt seem like that at the moment but the precious time your wife has with her mum will really help her in the future
all the best
Jan 24th 2007, 12:22 pm
#33
my arm aches
Joined: Jul 2003
Location: the warm waters of Florida
Posts: 2,289
Re: all going pear shaped
HI
I would have given anything to be there your wife really needs this time I so wish i had had it with my dad finances do recover although it probably dosnt seem like that at the moment but the precious time your wife has with her mum will really help her in the future
all the best
I would have given anything to be there your wife really needs this time I so wish i had had it with my dad finances do recover although it probably dosnt seem like that at the moment but the precious time your wife has with her mum will really help her in the future
all the best
I have to disagree slightly with the above poster.
When my mum was terminally ill, I flew back for 6 weeks to be with her, but when the date on my ticket arrived, I decided to fly home even though my mum hadn't died yet. It was the hardest goodbye ever, no doubt, but I also knew I had responsibilities at home with my kids. I was lucky that my mum could understand that and gave me her blessing to fly home. The time I spent with her is still precious and is not dimished because I wasn't there when she passed. I know it must be a terribly tough descision for her, but she has to think about her future too, once her mum has passed.
I really think your wife needs to consider the effect her descision will have on you and the kids. Losing her job and health insurance is no small issue.
In the end, I hope the both of you can come to a descision you both can live with.
Jan 24th 2007, 3:47 pm
#34
Who?
Joined: Oct 2004
Location: Stepford
Posts: 3,098
Re: all going pear shaped
Sadly this is a situation where you're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't.
Living here in the US I understand your worries over health insurance and income and once your MIL has died you still need to be able to carry on but....I also understand the need for you wife to be with her mum and I don't think there is an easy answer.
Things to do with our parents are very emotive and it is almost impossible on occasions to think in a nonemotional way.
When my mum died I still lived in the UK and I spent a lot of time with her at the hospital. We knew she wouldn't get better, it was a combination of pneumonia, old age and a hospital superbug (which we weren't told she had!)
I was with her in the afternoon on the day she died but I went home in the evening and she died later . I wish I had been there but I wasn't and it still upsets me.
Not that any of that helps you.
Just keep going.
Living here in the US I understand your worries over health insurance and income and once your MIL has died you still need to be able to carry on but....I also understand the need for you wife to be with her mum and I don't think there is an easy answer.
Things to do with our parents are very emotive and it is almost impossible on occasions to think in a nonemotional way.
When my mum died I still lived in the UK and I spent a lot of time with her at the hospital. We knew she wouldn't get better, it was a combination of pneumonia, old age and a hospital superbug (which we weren't told she had!)
I was with her in the afternoon on the day she died but I went home in the evening and she died later . I wish I had been there but I wasn't and it still upsets me.
Not that any of that helps you.
Just keep going.
Jan 25th 2007, 5:14 am
#35
Jedi Princess
Joined: Jun 2006
Location: Melbourne,Australia
Posts: 2,089
Re: all going pear shaped
There's not much to say about that, it really is a bugger...especially as there is pretty much bugger all help on offer in the states...though if you have the insurance for it, it might be worth having a chat with a doctor...you don't want to add depression to the list of angst.
Some regular exercise, chat with wife over the phone, chat with any friends locally, meditation, yoga, or other mind calming techniques and maybe short term use of an anti-depressant like prozac could help. Also seeing a counsellor would be a positive move too. Thing to realise is this is a natural reaction to the circumstances that have occurred and it can be managed and will improve in time, especially as the situation changes, as it will.
Can't comment on whether the OP should relocate elsewhere in the US ot back to UK. Main thing is he gets support he needs and works through, assesses and discusses things with his wife (as I'm sure he realises).
I wish them both well.
Jan 25th 2007, 4:21 pm
#36
BE Enthusiast
Joined: Jul 2002
Location: B.c Canada
Posts: 910
Re: all going pear shaped
I aggree with your post his wife needs to be on that flight home..her family needs her...even if she stays she could go out for a coffee or lunch, And in that time her mother could pass..(i know) I am surprised her family have not told her this ??
So sorry you're having such a tough time psb.
I have to disagree slightly with the above poster.
When my mum was terminally ill, I flew back for 6 weeks to be with her, but when the date on my ticket arrived, I decided to fly home even though my mum hadn't died yet. It was the hardest goodbye ever, no doubt, but I also knew I had responsibilities at home with my kids. I was lucky that my mum could understand that and gave me her blessing to fly home. The time I spent with her is still precious and is not dimished because I wasn't there when she passed. I know it must be a terribly tough descision for her, but she has to think about her future too, once her mum has passed.
I really think your wife needs to consider the effect her descision will have on you and the kids. Losing her job and health insurance is no small issue.
In the end, I hope the both of you can come to a descision you both can live with.
I have to disagree slightly with the above poster.
When my mum was terminally ill, I flew back for 6 weeks to be with her, but when the date on my ticket arrived, I decided to fly home even though my mum hadn't died yet. It was the hardest goodbye ever, no doubt, but I also knew I had responsibilities at home with my kids. I was lucky that my mum could understand that and gave me her blessing to fly home. The time I spent with her is still precious and is not dimished because I wasn't there when she passed. I know it must be a terribly tough descision for her, but she has to think about her future too, once her mum has passed.
I really think your wife needs to consider the effect her descision will have on you and the kids. Losing her job and health insurance is no small issue.
In the end, I hope the both of you can come to a descision you both can live with.
Jan 27th 2007, 7:16 am
#37
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Oct 2006
Location: BC
Posts: 1,361
Re: all going pear shaped
Hi,
Perhaps talk with your wife and let her know how you are feeling.
I understand that it is a vulnerable situation for both of you and you
do not want to burden her about your fears about finances and the
the potential loss her of job and health insurance and your emotional needs.
For a start may be write it down what you would like to say to her ,
read it over until you feel comfortable in how you would open up the
communication. Your wife could be thinking about the same thing.One step
at a time , and see how things open up.
I hope input from both of you could turn things around and come out with
decisions best for everyone. You can rise above this and do keep
your spirits up.
Yoong
Perhaps talk with your wife and let her know how you are feeling.
I understand that it is a vulnerable situation for both of you and you
do not want to burden her about your fears about finances and the
the potential loss her of job and health insurance and your emotional needs.
For a start may be write it down what you would like to say to her ,
read it over until you feel comfortable in how you would open up the
communication. Your wife could be thinking about the same thing.One step
at a time , and see how things open up.
I hope input from both of you could turn things around and come out with
decisions best for everyone. You can rise above this and do keep
your spirits up.
Yoong
Feb 1st 2007, 4:05 am
#38
BE Enthusiast
Thread Starter
Joined: Jan 2005
Location: the wrong place
Posts: 892
Re: all going pear shaped
Thanks for all the support,the past 2 days have been the best two since christmas for me and have got used to doing stuff that I had never done before.Talk to the wife everyday LINGO 
your a godsend,my daughter has enroled in school in the UK which is a big relief,she didn't like the first day but after the third day things are starting to improve and she has made a couple friends.
My daughter here is doing fine getting along with things but son 17 is having a really hard time,he really misses his mam and is doing a LOT of crying he can't get to grips with it.
My MIL is having good and bad days and as soon as I talk to my wife I can tell what kind of day the MIL had.Myself I am not right but much better than a week or so ago I have bouts of saddness or depression whatever you want to call it but about a week ago it was constant all day long.
I think it would be good for our son to go back at february vacation just for the week so he can see his mam,sister and gran,when I was down in the dumps I really could not see how hard it is on him but over the past 2 days I seem to get better and he seems to get worse,I do keep re-assuring his that things will get better and this time will pass but that only picks him up for a short while.
Once again thanks very much for all the support
your a godsend,my daughter has enroled in school in the UK which is a big relief,she didn't like the first day but after the third day things are starting to improve and she has made a couple friends.My daughter here is doing fine getting along with things but son 17 is having a really hard time,he really misses his mam and is doing a LOT of crying he can't get to grips with it.
My MIL is having good and bad days and as soon as I talk to my wife I can tell what kind of day the MIL had.Myself I am not right but much better than a week or so ago I have bouts of saddness or depression whatever you want to call it but about a week ago it was constant all day long.
I think it would be good for our son to go back at february vacation just for the week so he can see his mam,sister and gran,when I was down in the dumps I really could not see how hard it is on him but over the past 2 days I seem to get better and he seems to get worse,I do keep re-assuring his that things will get better and this time will pass but that only picks him up for a short while.
Once again thanks very much for all the support
