randomgirl

Thank you! I used to work in Wakefield - it's a small world!

randomgirl

Sorry about your dad, that can't have been an easy time for you. Such a shame he didn't meet your daughter until she was 2 as well!
Your father in law sounds lovely though I'm lucky that hubby's parents are really nice too, and they've always been so good to me.

MadRad

LOL! I have (had?) 3 close friends that I've known for 20+ years. When I moved across there was much talk of keeping in touch, visiting this summer etc. I saw them at Christmas and they were still adamant they wanted to visit.

So in January I sent them a ton of information, links, flight info, etc etc. Zero response. Followed it up after a couple of weeks with a friendly FB message 'hello, did you get my email' type thing. Nothing. A couple of weeks later, I sent a similar friendly email. Eventually got a brief, hello, we'll be in touch response from one person.

I'm annoyed because I want to make other plans for the summer and can't till I know what they're doing. I have another friend who is coming out here to get married and I need to book flights for her wedding. I would be more than happy for my friends to visit but it wouldn't kill them to at least say thanks for all the info. If they've decided they're not coming they could at least let me know.

Kaffy Mintcake

Hi there,

First of all, I'm sorry to hear that you've been having a rough time. I can only imagine how hard it must be to adjust to a new country.

Maybe I can offer a different perspective that you may or may not agree with. I'm not saying it's a good thing that your calls haven't been returned or that you haven't received communication as frequently as you like, not at all. It's not very considerate of your friends. It's entirely possible that some of your friends weren't quite as good of friends as you thought.

However ... when something interrupts our life whether it be a death in the family, a loss of a job, moving to a new place, etc. it's a period of great change for us. It dominates our world! The worlds of others, however, are filled with different things. Your move is a very big deal to you, but only a part of your friend's lives right now. Does that make sense?

I'll liken it to being laid-off. When you're the one losing your job, it dominates your life until you find a new one, you can't get away. It fills everyday. When someone else loses their job where you work, it may be very upsetting for a short while, but your personal circumstances haven't changed, and you may find yourself thinking about it less and less.

Ask yourself how genuine these relationships were in the first place, honestly. I bet at least a few of them were. If that's the case, consider giving them the benefit of the doubt and try to not to take their inconsistent communication so personally. You may need them more than they need you right now, if that makes sense. Would you have been as upset if their contact was less regular while you were back in the UK?

I bring this up because some of my closest friends aren't great at regular communication, but I don't take that to mean that they don't care about me. My best friend, for that matter, called me on Wednesday this week asking if I wanted to come down to Florida to visit in May. I returned her call and have yet to hear back. This is typical. She's a busy lady and sometimes after a long day she just isn't in the mood to jump on the phone, and I accept that. I want her to call me because she wants to call me, not out of a sense of obligation. Is it ideal? Maybe not, but I wouldn't lose her for the world ... when we are able to get together, we're like peas and carrots.

I guess it comes down to just that ... is it an obligation for someone to behave a certain way as a friend, or is friendship more about enjoying the other person, faults and all?

I realize I'm rambling a bit and perhaps not expressing what I mean as clearly as I'd like ... but really think about the friends you are missing. If they were true friends, the kind of person you could call in the middle of the night if your Mum died, don't be quick to discard them. If they were casual friends you enjoyed going out with but perhaps didn't bond with quite as strongly, that may be a different story.

Good luck to you - I hope it gets easier!

fsm

Small world my father's from Wakefield as well

Kaffy Mintcake

That's not fair to you. I'd send one last note ... hey guys, I know life's busy and summer feels like a long way away, but I need to know if we're doing anything this summer so I can plan for work. If I haven't heard from you by XYZ I will assume that you've gone another route.

Or, just book your plans and know that you're not free then. I use the above communication style with a time deadline with non-responsive colleagues at work and it works well.

randomgirl

I'd go ahead and book what you need to do for the summer, and then if your friends get in touch about visiting you can say something like "Oh, well since you didn't respond when I contacted you 3 times I assumed you weren't coming, so now I'm not free" - might get through to them better! That's just me though - but in my opinion they can't get stroppy about it because if they were so bothered about visiting in the first place they would have responded!
You're not being selfish - you can't wait forever to hear from them, so do what you need to do.

randomgirl

Hi, thanks for your reply!

Yes, what you say makes sense!


I've been wondering about this too. At least 4 or 5 were/are genuine friends. There are other people who haven't been good at keeping in touch but I'm not so bothered about them, because I know we weren't exactly best friends. I also realize that people have other things going on in their lives, and as many other people have said, it's often a case of "out of sight, out of mind". I'm trying to take it less personally than I probably have in the past, but a lot of my issue isn't with friends - it's my own family! For example my dad, who never gets in touch for weeks on end even though he promises me he'll call on a specific day. I have to admit, he wasn't exactly the most reliable person while I was in the UK, but he makes such a big deal of telling me how much he misses when I inevitably give in and call him after a month of hearing nothing from him - I find it hard to believe, because if you really miss someone then you must be thinking about them! I really dislike one-sided relationships.

Thanks!

No, I don't want people to only get in touch because they feel obliged to, as you said. I would however really appreciate at least some minimal effort on their part! As I said, one-sided relationships are no fun! I would feel almost as annoyed if they behaved this way while I was still in the UK, but at least then I wasn't so isolated from everyone so I probably would've coped better.

Anyway, I have to move on with my life - the people who are really worth having as friends will always be there, I guess. Those who aren't, well, they're not worth losing any sleep over!

Kaffy Mintcake

I understand and I know that it's hard, really. You have a good perspective on things. Like you, I'm an only child and were my Dad not to call for a long time (or to essentially stand me up on phone dates) that would make me very unhappy. My parents live in the US, but ironically, they're very close to you, so thousands of miles from me. However, we talk just about every day and that makes a big difference.

Hang in there girlie! Hugs.

Cape Blue

They are not coming - they just don't have the nads to tell you.

randomgirl

Totally agree with this post! Either give them a deadline to respond (and not a far off deadline - like a week at most) or just go ahead and book your vacation and know that you gave them enough chances. Don't put your life on hold because of these 'friends' who may or may not visit - I mean, if it turned out much closer to the time that they weren't coming, then you'd maybe have problems getting your stuff organized and that's totally unfair to you.

I actually kind of used the deadline tactic with my friend who said ages ago that she was going to visit in April. A few weeks after she told me the dates she wanted to visit, she still hadn't booked it. She'd also told a mutual friend of ours that she wasn't sure if she was still visiting in April, so I started to get a bit suspicious (it is March already after all!). I sent her a friendly email telling her that we kind of need to know if she's definitely coming or not, because hubby is on-call the week she said she was going to be here, and if she's coming he'll try to swap it so we can make more plans and he can hopefully get a day off too. It took her a few days but she emailed back this morning that she'd just booked her flights - so I think it worked! I didn't give her an actual deadline of a specific date, but just making it clear that I needed to know as soon as possible seemed to kick her into action.

Good luck MadRad! Don't let your friends take advantage of you or mess you around, you can't put your life on hold for them.

randomgirl

Thank you so much! I'm glad you manage to speak to your parents so much, as you say it makes a big difference. I'd be happy speaking to them both once a week (always happens with my mom) but I guess I'm expecting too much from my dad!

I just don't understand that man - it's literally been every single time that he's told me he'll call me, that he just doesn't bother. Last week he told me he'd call me this Wednesday or Thursday - still nothing. I wouldn't mind so much if he then called a few days later and apologized for forgetting or whatever, but he doesn't even do that! Usually at least 2 weeks after he was supposed to call, he sends me an irrelevant email and doesn't even mention it. I've started to point it out every time but it still doesn't make a difference. One time when I begrudgingly called him to let him know my green card was approved (about 2 or 3 weeks after he was meant to call me and hadn't, yet again) he said he would call the following week and I said "Are you actually going to call this time?" - I don't know how much clearer I can be! Hubby thinks it's disgraceful the way he lets me down repeatedly. I think I might have to tell my dad extremely directly that his behavior is really upsetting me and maybe go so far as to say "if you really don't want to speak to me don't go making false promises - and stop making out that you miss me so much when actions speak so much louder than words!"
Or I could make a point of telling him how good my mom is at keeping in touch, that will probably really annoy him!

randomgirl

This is quite possible - I thought that might be the case with my friend who kept saying she would book her flights but repeatedly didn't (see my other post!)

I hope that's not the case for you, and that they come back to you with an answer soon, one way or another!

nettlebed

The guy sounds like a prick to me. He just doesn't care, or he's playing some (probably subconscious) psychological control game. If you let him know it bothers you and he still does nothing, don't bother. He's not going to change.
Go for it! But don't do it more than once, otherwise you're feeding hos need to control you. Tell him it once, then stop calling him. My guess is that he'll feedback to you via you mum, but don't bite: make sure you wait till HE initiated the next contact.

Kaffy Mintcake

I would go with the first option, it sounds like he needs a direct approach. He might not get option 2.

My FIL is a little like this (though to a lesser extent). We will invite him and my BIL over for a subsequent Saturday or Sunday and frequently have no idea when or if they will come. Usually it's a few weeks before we get onto their agenda ... my FIL is retired and my BIL lives at home off my FIL (long story) so I don't understand why it's so hard to fit us in. Add to that, they are ALWAYS late. Not by 20 minutes or so (they drive an hour to get here) but by at least an hour, generally more like two. On the one hand, it's not always a big deal, but on the other hand, we always stick around the house waiting for them to arrive when we could be doing other things, and I find that very inconsiderate.