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Some Humour Merged with Cheesy Jokes Thread

Some Humour Merged with Cheesy Jokes Thread

Old Aug 5th 2005, 6:18 pm
  #1291  
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Default Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?

A blonde calls her husband at work one day and asks him, "Can you help me when you get home?"

"Sure," he replies. "What's the problem?"

"Well, I started a really hard puzzle and I can't even find the edge pieces."

"Look on the box," he said. "There's always a picture of what the puzzle is."

"It's a big rooster," she said.

The husband arrives home and tells his blonde wife, "Okay, put the corn flakes back in the box."
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Old Aug 6th 2005, 8:25 am
  #1292  
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A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time. "How wonderful! But I hope you don't mind me asking what happened to your first husband?" "He ate poisonous mushrooms and died." "Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?" "He ate poisonous mushrooms too and died." "Oh, how terrible! I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband." "He died of a broken neck." "A broken neck?" "He wouldn't eat the mushrooms."
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Old Aug 6th 2005, 8:38 am
  #1293  
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Default Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 pounds?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the £50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
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Old Aug 6th 2005, 8:41 am
  #1294  
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Default Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?

Q: How does Bob Marley like his donuts ?
A: "Wi jammin"
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Old Aug 6th 2005, 8:43 am
  #1295  
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Default Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?

There was a magic mirror and if you lied to it you disappeared. A redhead went up to it and said, "I think I'm the prettiest girl in the world," and she disappeared. Then a brunette went up to it and said, "I think I'm the smartest girl in the world," and she disappeared. Finally a blonde girl went up to it and said, "I think..." and disappeared.
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Old Aug 8th 2005, 3:58 pm
  #1296  
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Default Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?

When I born, I black.
When I grow up, I black.
When I go in sun, I black.
When I cold, I black.
When I scared, I black.
When I sick, I black.
And when I die, I still black.
You white folks......
When you born, you pink.
When you grow up, you white.
When you go in sun, you red.
When you cold, you blue.
When you scared, you yellow.
When you sick, you green.
When you bruised, you purple.
And when you die, you gray.
So who you callin' colored?
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Old Aug 8th 2005, 4:04 pm
  #1297  
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Default Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?

Glorious Oranges
A young teenage girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl.
The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighbourhood, but little old Grandma.
The young girl was frantic. Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.
"Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line.
A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But you're so old... how do you do it?"
Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny... I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry!"
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Old Aug 8th 2005, 4:23 pm
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Default Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?

Genders You know that many non-living things have a gender;


For example...


1) Freezer Bags -- They are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.


2) Copiers -- They are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

3) Tyres -- Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.

4) Hot Air Balloon -- Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.


5) Sponges -- female because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.


6) Web Page -- Female, because it's always getting hit on.

7) Subway -- Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

8) Hourglass -- Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

9) Hammer -- Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.


10) Remote Control -- Female...... Ha! You thought it'd be male. But consider this -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying

Last edited by Covenant; Aug 8th 2005 at 4:25 pm.
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Old Aug 9th 2005, 1:34 am
  #1299  
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Default Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?

Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk:

a) Innovative
b) Preliminary
c) Proliferation
d) Cinnamon

Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk:

a) Specificity
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
d) Transubstantiate

Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk:

a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.

b) Nope, no more booze for me.

c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.

d) No kebab for me, thank you.

e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?

f) I'm not interested in fighting you.

g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.

h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.

i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.

j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.
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Old Aug 9th 2005, 1:43 am
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Default Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?

I once had a Doner Kebab when I was sober..........bad, bad, bad
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Old Aug 10th 2005, 3:55 pm
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Default Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?

Yesterday, I was robbed at a traffic light!

A young woman proposes to wash your car windows while you wait at the red light while another one takes advantage of the distraction to open the back door and steal everything she can grab.

Be warned, they are very well organized!!!

Don't leave your doors or windows open if you drive up to a red light!

If your windows get washed.. ... Don't look at them, they try to divert your attention.

Please inform your friends of this new scam. They have got me 10 times already... today. Also got me 4 times yesterday, four times the day before that and six times Sunday. They didn't get me on Saturday 'coz I couldn't find the corner they were working.
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Old Aug 10th 2005, 4:49 pm
  #1302  
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Default Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?

Subject: BOTTLE OF MERLOT

A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant and while sitting at his regular
table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting all alone at a nearby table.

He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her, knowing that, if she accepts it, she is his. The waiter gets the bottle and quickly brings it over to the woman,
saying this is from the gentleman over there. She looks at the wine and
sends a note over to the man.

Her note reads:
For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a BMW in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and seven inches in your pants."

The man, after reading her note, chuckles, and sends a note of his
own back to her. His note reads:

"Just so you know, I happen to have a Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW 850, and
a Volvo in my garage. I have over twenty-five million dollars in the bank. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off. JUST SEND THE BOTTLE BACK."
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Old Aug 10th 2005, 5:14 pm
  #1303  
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Default Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?

Pity Fig Newton has gone - he would have liked this one....

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six
days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the
seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"


God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards
through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made."


Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"


"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to
call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."


"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.


God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example,
Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while
Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be
a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and
over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to
different countries. This one will be extremely hot and arid while
this one will be very cold and covered in ice."


The Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to a large land
mass in the top corner and asked, "What's that one?"


"Ah," said God. "That's Canada, the most glorious place on Earth.
There's beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite
coast-line. The people from Canada are going to be modest, intelligent
and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll
be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will
be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm
also going to give them super-human, undefeatable ice hockey players
who will be admired and feared by all who come across them."


Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed. "What
about balance, God. You said there will be BALANCE!"


God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the loud-mouth bastards I'm
putting next to them."
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Old Aug 10th 2005, 5:17 pm
  #1304  
 
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Default Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?

Originally Posted by Philgr
Pity Fig Newton has gone - he would have liked this one....
You reckon...
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Old Aug 10th 2005, 5:50 pm
  #1305  
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Default Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?

A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job, and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."

The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave. The blonde yet again repeats "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The head stewardesses doesn't even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blonde is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the copilot, who says "it's OK - I speak blonde - I'm married to one".

The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat. The copilot replies, "I told her first class wasn't going to Jamaica."
 

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