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Some Humour Merged with Cheesy Jokes Thread

Some Humour Merged with Cheesy Jokes Thread

Old Jul 13th 2005, 9:37 pm
  #1216  
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Default Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?

An old lady and old man are sitting in their retirement home. The man turns to the woman and
says,"I bet you can't tell how old I am." She says,"Okay." She then unzips his fly, feels around for a while and finally says, "You're 73." "That's amazing!" the man exclaims. "How did you know?" he asks. She replies, "You told me yesterday."

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Old Jul 13th 2005, 9:38 pm
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One day there were two gays visiting the zoo. They made the rounds of the zoo and soon found
themselves outside the gorilla cage. The gorilla was sitting in the corner of the cage with a huge
gorilla hard-on.


The one gay says to the other 'I wonder what it feels like' ... the other gay says 'There's only one
way to find out and that's to touch it'


The gay reaches into the cage and touches the gorilla's hard-on ! Before he can remove his arm the
gorilla graps him ... hauls him into the cage ... slams him onto the floor ... jumps on top of him ... and nearly buggers him to death.
Three days later the gay wakes up in a hospital bed. A nurse comes in and says he has a visitor. It's
the gay's buddy. The buddy asks 'Are you hurt?' The bedridden gay says 'HURT!... OF COURSE
I'M HURT...HE HASN'T PHONED ... HE HASN'T WRITTEN ...!'

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Old Jul 13th 2005, 9:39 pm
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There's this newly-married couple who move into a house. The wife goes upstairs and notices a
mirror hanging on the wall. She goes up to and says "Mirror mirror on the wall, what part of my body does my husband like most of all?" And the mirror replies "Your tits". She then says "Mirror mirror on the wall, give me size 44!". And hey presto, she gets these big tits.


Excitedly she rushes downstairs to show her husband, who is amazed upon seeing her. He asks her what happened and she tells him about the mirror. So the husband rushes upstairs to the mirror and says "Mirror mirror on the wall, what part of my body does my wife like most of all?". The mirror
replies "Your dick". So the man says "Mirror mirror on the wall, make my dick touch the floor". So
his legs fall off...


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Old Jul 13th 2005, 9:48 pm
  #1219  
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Default Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?

God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust?

---The Irish Times, Washington, DC




Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
---The Bayou, Baton Rouge, LA


No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit.
---Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, NC


To do is to be --- Descartes
To be is to do --- Voltaire
Do be do be do --- Frank Sinatra
---Men's Room, Greasewood Flats, Scottsdale, AZ


At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.
---Bentley House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, AZ


It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
---Written in dust on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, AZ


Make love, not war. -- Hell, do both, get married!
---Women's Room, The Filling Station, Bozeman, MT


God is dead -- Nietzsche
Nietzsche is dead --- God


---The Tombs Restaurant, Washington, DC












If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
---Revolution Books, New York, NY




A Woman's Rule of Thumb: It it has tires (tyres) or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.
---Women's Room, Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, TX


JESUS SAVES! But wouldn't it be better if he had invested?
---Men's Room, American University, Washington, DC


If pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of progress?
Congress!
---Men's Room, House of Representatives, Washington, DC


The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.
---Women's Room, Murphy's, Champaign, IL




Don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.
---Men's Room, Murphy's, Champaign, IL


If you can piss this high, join the fire department.
---On the wall in the men's room at a height of six feet.
O'Ryan's Irish Pub, Ashland, OR


Beauty is only a light switch away.


---Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, NC
I've decided that to raise my grade I must lower my standards.



---Houghton Library, Harvard University, Cambridge, MA
If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted together and have the time of our lives.

---Armand's Pizza, Washington, DC









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Old Jul 13th 2005, 9:52 pm
  #1220  
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Default Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?

Eye Exam A guy goes to his eye doctor for an examination. They start talking as the doctor is examing his eyes. In the middle of their conversation, the doctor casually says, "You need to stop masturbating." The guy replies, "Why Doc? Am I going blind?" The doctor says, "No, but you're upsetting the other patients in the waiting room."
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Old Jul 15th 2005, 4:31 pm
  #1221  
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The couple had been debating the purchase of a new car for weeks.

He wanted a new truck.

She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic
around town.

He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she
seemed to like was way out of their price range.

"Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or
less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."

For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

The funeral is next week.
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Old Jul 19th 2005, 6:33 pm
  #1222  
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After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as
they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian
and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could
fix the problem but that it was expensive.

"A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry
bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and
count to 10."

The Alabaman said to the doctor, "I may not be the sharpest tool in the
shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear
is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held
the can up to his ear and began to count:



"1"





"2"





"3"





"4"





"5"



At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed
counting on his other hand.



This procedure also works in Tennessee, Georgia, Indiana, Arkansas,
Mississippi, and West Virginia and North Carolina.
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Old Jul 20th 2005, 8:30 am
  #1223  
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A virile, young Italian gentleman was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome, when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment, and after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.



After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So...you finish?"

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."

Surprised, the young man reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashes about wildly and there are screams of passion. The rooting ends, and again, the young man smiles, and again he asks, "You finish?"



And again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him, and softly says, "No."

Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, the young man reaches for the woman yet again using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together, screaming, bucking, clawing, and ripping the bed sheets. The exhausted man falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly, and asks again, "You finish?"



Barely able to speak, she whispers in his ear, "No, I Norwegian."

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Old Jul 20th 2005, 8:25 pm
  #1224  
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Why Rednecks can't be paramedics:

A couple of rednecks are out in the woods hunting when one of them suddenly grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing - his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other redneck whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

He gasps to the operator, "I think Bubba is dead! What should I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence...... and then a shot is heard.

The redneck's voice comes back on the line, "Okay, now what?"

 
Old Jul 20th 2005, 8:32 pm
  #1225  
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CHALK ONE UP FOR THE OLD DUDE

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening, with a beautiful young girl at his side. He told the jeweller he was
looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.


The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and
showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special." At that statement, the jeweller went to his

special stock and brought another ring over.

"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweller said. The young
lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old
man, seeing this said, "We'll take it." The jeweller asked how payment
would be made and the old man stated, by check. " I know you need to make
sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank
Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man.
"There's no money in that account."
"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"

 
Old Jul 22nd 2005, 12:30 am
  #1226  
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Default Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?

When Mr. O'Leary died, an elaborate wake was planned. In preparation, Mrs.
O'Leary called the undertaker aside for a private little talk.
"Please be sure to secure his toupee to his head very securely. No one but I
knew he was bald," she confided, "and he'd never rest in peace if anyone
found out at this point. Our friends from the old country are sure to hold
his hands and touch his head before they're through paying their last
respects."

"Rest assured, Mrs. O'Leary," comforted the under- taker. "I'll fix it so
that toupee will never come off."

Sure enough, the day of the wake the old timers were giving O'Leary's
ancient corpse quite a going over, but the toupee stayed firmly in place. At
the end of the day, a delighted Mrs. O'Leary offered the undertaker an extra
hundred dollars for handling the matter so professionally.

"Oh, I couldn't possibly accept your money," protested the undertaker.
"What's a few nails?"
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Old Jul 22nd 2005, 4:20 am
  #1227  
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I got a new car radio yesterday, and it is terrific !!

If I say "Rock" it plays Rock and Roll,

If I say "Rap" it plays Rap Music,

If I say "Love" it plays Love Music.

Three kids ran out in front of the car,

And I said F*&%ing Kids,

And it played Michael Jackson.
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Old Jul 22nd 2005, 4:20 am
  #1228  
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NURSERY RHYMES FOR BIG KIDS

Peggy had a little pig!

She kept it fat and plastered;

and when the price of pork went up,

She shot the little bastard!


MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB

Her father shot it dead.

Now it goes to school with her,

Between two hunks of bread.


JACK AND JILL went up the hill

To have a little fun.

Stupid Jill forgot the pill,

And now they have a son.


HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall,

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

All the kings' horses,

And all the kings' men.

Had scrambled eggs,

For breakfast again.


HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE the cat took a piddle,

All over the bedside clock.

The little dog laughed to see such fun.

Then died of electric shock.


GEORGIE PORGY Pudding and Pie,

Kissed the girls and made them cry.

And when the boys came out to play,

He kissed them too cause he was gay.


There was a little girl who had a little curl

Right in the middle of her forehead.

When she was good, she was very, very good.

But when she was bad........

She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.
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Old Jul 22nd 2005, 4:21 am
  #1229  
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A man walks into his doctor's office and puts a note on the table for the doctor to read. It said, "I can't talk! Help me!"

The doctor nodded sagely, and instructed the man to put his thumb on the table. The man thinks to himself that his thumb has nothing to do with his inability to talk, but he does as the doctor ordered.

The doctor quickly picked up a big book and whacks the man's thumb with it as hard as he could.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!" the man yelled.

"Good, good," the doctor said. "Come back tomorrow and we'll work on the 'B'."
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Old Jul 22nd 2005, 4:32 am
  #1230  
 
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George Bush and Dick Cheney are enjoying
lunch at a fancy Washington restaurant. The waitress approaches
their table to take their order. She is young and very
attractive. She asks Cheney what he wants, and he replies, "I'll
have the heart-healthy salad.
"Very good, sir," she replies, and turning to Bush she asks,
"And what would you like, Mr. President?"
Bush smiled at the waitress and responded, "How about a quickie?"
Taken aback, the waitress slaps him and says, "I'm shocked and
disappointed in you. I thought you were bringing in a new
administration that was committed to high principles and
morality. I'm sorry I voted for you."
With that, the waitress departed in a huff. The President was
shocked and sat in stunned silence.
Cheney leaned across the
table and in a quiet voice said to the stunned president, "Mr.
President, I believe that's pronounced quiche".
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