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Some Humour Merged with Cheesy Jokes Thread

Some Humour Merged with Cheesy Jokes Thread

Old Jul 9th 2005, 2:03 am
  #1201  
 
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Default Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?

Originally Posted by Bob
he could have done, didn't check out the whole of the pub though, or the other threads...it's a cheesy old one anyway
There's been a few duplicates now. Only to be expected with such a long thread.

Good thread though.
A
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Old Jul 9th 2005, 3:34 am
  #1202  
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Default Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?

Originally Posted by kirsty&al
There's been a few duplicates now. Only to be expected with such a long thread.

Good thread though.
Aye...it's good that it's still going...nice for a giggle ain't it...terrible jokes and all
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Old Jul 9th 2005, 9:22 am
  #1203  
 
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Default Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?

Originally Posted by Bob
Aye...it's good that it's still going...nice for a giggle ain't it...terrible jokes and all
Agreed.

Here's my favourite GERMAN JOKE.
LOOK AWAY if you are LIKELY TO BE OFFENDED.







Mein Hund hat keine Nase.
Wie tut, riecht er.
Schrecklich.

A
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Old Jul 9th 2005, 10:28 am
  #1204  
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Default Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?

Q: What did the waiter ask the group of Jewish mothers?
A: "Is anything OK?"
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Old Jul 10th 2005, 6:36 am
  #1205  
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Default Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?

Originally Posted by kirsty&al
Agreed.

Here's my favourite GERMAN JOKE.
LOOK AWAY if you are LIKELY TO BE OFFENDED.







Mein Hund hat keine Nase.
Wie tut, riecht er.
Schrecklich.

A
das unt scheisse
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Old Jul 10th 2005, 2:52 pm
  #1206  
 
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Default Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?

Originally Posted by Manc
das unt scheisse
Go on, admit it - you liked it.
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Old Jul 10th 2005, 4:09 pm
  #1207  
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Default Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?

Little Johnny had a cursing problem and his father was getting tired of it.
He decided to ask his shrink what to do. The shrink said that since Christmas was coming up that he should ask Johnny what he wanted Santa to bring him. If he cursed he should leave a pile of dog shit in place of the gift. Two days before Christmas Johnny's dad asked Johnny what he wanted. Johnny said, "I want a goddamned teddy-bear laying right ****ing there beside me when I wake-up Christmas morning. Then when I go downstairs I want to see a mother****in' train going around the goddamned tree, and when I go outside I want to see a red-assed ****in' bike leaning up against the damn garage!"
Christmas morning Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a big pile of dog shit. Confused, he walked downstairs and saw a bunch of dog shit around the Christmas tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog shit by the garage. When he walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his Dad smiled and asked, "So Johnny, what did Santa bring you this year?" Johnny replied, "I think I got a goddamned dog but I can't find the son of a bitch."


One day, little jonny asked his mom what sex was.
"Tonight, go into your sister's room, hide behind the curtain, and watch what she and her boyfriend do.
The following morning, jonny's mom asked what happened. Little jonny explained "well at first, they were just kinda talking and laughing, but after a while they started kissing and hugging, sister got a fever, cuz she said she was feeling hot. So sister's boyfriend put his hand under her shirt to find her heart, just like the doctor would. Except he's not so smart because both of them got sick and they started panting and getting all out of breath.
His other hand must have been cold because he put it under her skirt.
About this time sis got worse and began to moan and sigh, and squirm around and slide to the end of her bed. then i finally found out what was making them sick - a big eel had gotten inside her boyfriend's pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10 inches long! anyways he grapped it in one hand to keep it from getting away.
When sis saw it, she got really scared - her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open, and she started calling to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she had ever seen, I should tell her about the ones by the lake, anyway sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off.
All of a sudden she grabbed it with both hands and tried to keep it from biting again. Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it, and the boyfriend helped by lying on top of the eel.
The eel put on a heck of a fight. Sis started moaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squishing it between them. After a while, they both stopped moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough they had killed the eel! I knew because it just hung there and also because some of its insides were dripping out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went back to the bed anyway! He started hugging and kissing her again! by golly, the eel wasn't dead!It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats-they have nine lives or something like that. this time, sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it. After a 35 minute struggle they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead because I saw sis boyfriend peel it's skin off and flush it down the toilet!"
Little jonny's mom fainted
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Old Jul 12th 2005, 12:02 am
  #1208  
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Default Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?

Scientists in Heaven are playing hide-n-seek.........
Einstein spots Newton and says "Newton's out. Newton's....out....."
Newton claims that he is not Newton......
All the scientists come out to see how he proves that he is not Newton..........
Newton says "I am standing in a square of area 1m squared.....
That makes me Newton per meter squared......
Since one Newton per meter squared is one Pascal,
Therefore Pascal is OUT!!!!!!!!"
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Old Jul 12th 2005, 8:25 pm
  #1209  
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Default Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?

Classy
Attached Thumbnails Some Humour Merged with Cheesy Jokes Thread-picture8.jpg  
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Old Jul 13th 2005, 12:59 pm
  #1210  
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Default Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends
$5,000
and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper.
Before
leaving she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking,but how
old
do you think I am?" "About 32," is the reply. "Nope! I'm
exactly
50," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter
girl
the very same question. The girl replies, "I guess about 29." The
woman
replies, "Nope I'm 50."

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug
store on
her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints
and
asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say
30."
Again she proudly responds, "I am 50, but thank you."

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting
next to
her the same question. He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eye sight is
going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old
a
woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my
hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how
old
you are."

They wait in silence on the empty street until curiosity gets the
best of
her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead." He slips both
of
his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and
carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast...He gently pinches each
nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each
other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am
I?"

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands,
and
says. "Madam, you are 50." Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That
was
incredible, how could you tell?' The old man replies, "promise you
won't
get mad?" "I promise I won't." she says. He replies, "I was behind
you in
line at McDonald's."
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Old Jul 13th 2005, 5:24 pm
  #1211  
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Default Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?

Originally Posted by Philgr
Scientists in Heaven are playing hide-n-seek.........
Einstein spots Newton and says "Newton's out. Newton's....out....."
Newton claims that he is not Newton......
All the scientists come out to see how he proves that he is not Newton..........
Newton says "I am standing in a square of area 1m squared.....
That makes me Newton per meter squared......
Since one Newton per meter squared is one Pascal,
Therefore Pascal is OUT!!!!!!!!"

science jokes are the best...

two atoms walking down the street...one turns to the other and says "I don't feel too good, I think I've lost an electron" the other says "are you positive?"
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Old Jul 13th 2005, 9:35 pm
  #1212  
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Default Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?

Sacred prayer

Our Beer,
Which art in Barrels.
Hallowed be thy drink,
Thy will be drunk,
I will be drunk,
At home, as it is in the pub.
Forgive us this day our daily spillages,
as we forgive those that spill against us.
For thine is the beer,
The Bitter and the Lager,
For ever and ever,
Barman.



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Old Jul 13th 2005, 9:35 pm
  #1213  
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Default Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?



This guy goes to the pharmacist and says, "Listen, these two girls are coming over this weekend, and
they are hot, very hot. Would you have something to get me going all night? It's going to be a hell of
a party."


The pharmacist goes in the back room, comes back with an old dusty bottle and says, "This stuff is
potent: drink only one ounce of it, and I guarantee that you will be doing the wild thing all night. Let
me know how it goes."


The weekend goes by and on Monday morning, the pharmacist goes to work and finds the same guy
waiting for him on the door-step. The pharmacist says, "What are you doing here so early? How was
your weekend?" The guy replies, "Quick, I need Blue Ice (muscle pain relief).


The pharmacist, knowing what the guy had been doing all weekend, says, "Are you crazy, you can't
put that on your penis. The skin is way too sensitive."


The guy says, "No, no, It's not for that, it's for my arm."

Pharmacist: "What?? What happened?"

Guy replies, "Well...I drank the whole bottle of your potion."

Pharmacist: "Oh my god, and then what ? "

"The girls never showed up!"

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Old Jul 13th 2005, 9:36 pm
  #1214  
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Default Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?


Big Fred came home after he'd been to the chemist with a pack of 100 scented condoms and said to
his wife, "If I put a condom on, would you be able to tell me what scent it is?"


The Bride said, "No worries, should be able to quess that."

A few moments later, she said, "That one is CHEESE scented".
Fred said, "Hold it, I haven't put one on yet!!"

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Old Jul 13th 2005, 9:36 pm
  #1215  
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Default Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?

Confucious say: Girl who masturbate during period, get caught red handed.
Confucious say: Virginity like balloon; One prick, all gone.
Confucious say: It is good for boy to meet girl in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl.

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