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Some Humour Merged with Cheesy Jokes Thread

Some Humour Merged with Cheesy Jokes Thread

Old Jul 1st 2005, 5:00 pm
  #1186  
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Default Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?

Hi i'm a newby - i've had a chuckle at your jokes and hope you dont mind if i add one of my own...here goes:

A muddled stay-at-home mom wants to prove to her exec. husband what she is capable of and so decides to surprise him by decorating the lounge in one day.

She waits until he goes out of the door at 8. am and swings into action, clearing the room, then painting it (after carefully reading the instructions). Finally by 5p.m just as hubs is arriving from work, everything is finished and put away, all the furniture back in its place.

Hubs walks through the door to find his wife lying flat out on the floor, totally sweated through, wearing a raincoat over a leather jacket.

He's really impressed at what she had done that day, although he thinks it's a bit patchy in places.

'Why are you lying on the floor wearing a raincoat over your leather jacket?' he asks.

'Because it says on the tin, 'it works better with 2 coats, honey!''

(A bit corny i know)
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Old Jul 1st 2005, 5:05 pm
  #1187  
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Default Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?

Originally Posted by cymbeline
Hi i'm a newby
Hi and welcome to expats.
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Old Jul 1st 2005, 5:12 pm
  #1188  
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Default Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?

Thanks a lot manc.
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Old Jul 1st 2005, 6:12 pm
  #1189  
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Default Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?

Originally Posted by cymbeline
Hi i'm a newby - i've had a chuckle at your jokes and hope you dont mind if i add one of my own...here goes:

A muddled stay-at-home mom wants to prove to her exec. husband what she is capable of and so decides to surprise him by decorating the lounge in one day.

She waits until he goes out of the door at 8. am and swings into action, clearing the room, then painting it (after carefully reading the instructions). Finally by 5p.m just as hubs is arriving from work, everything is finished and put away, all the furniture back in its place.

Hubs walks through the door to find his wife lying flat out on the floor, totally sweated through, wearing a raincoat over a leather jacket.

He's really impressed at what she had done that day, although he thinks it's a bit patchy in places.

'Why are you lying on the floor wearing a raincoat over your leather jacket?' he asks.

'Because it says on the tin, 'it works better with 2 coats, honey!''

(A bit corny i know)
That was a funny entrance
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Old Jul 2nd 2005, 7:16 am
  #1190  
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Default Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?

<Bump> Wondered where this one had gone
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Old Jul 2nd 2005, 8:20 am
  #1191  
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Default Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?

Sterilization




Dear Sir,
I wish to apply for an operation to make me sterile. My reasons are numerous and after being married for seven years and having seven children I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are totally uselless.

After getting married I was advised to use the rhythm method. Despite trying the tanto and samba, my wife fell pregnant and I ruptured myself doing the cha-cha-cha.

The doctor suggested using the safe period. At that time we were staying with the in-laws and we had to wait three weeks for a safe period when the house was empty. Needless to say, this didn't work.

A lady of several years experience informed us that if we made love whilst breast feeding we would be alright. It was hardly Newcastle Brown Ale, but I did finish up with a clear skin, silky hair and felt very healtjy but my wife fell pregnant.

Another old wives tale we heard was that if my wife jumped up and down after intercourse this would prevent preganancy. After constant breast feeding (including my earlier attempts) my wife jumped up and down but finished with black eyes and knocked herself unconscious.

I asked the chemist about the sheath. The chemist demonstrated how easy it was to use one so I bought a packet. My wife fell pregnant again, which did not suprise me as I fal to see how a Durex fitted over the top of my thumb as the chemist showed can prevent babies.

My wife was then supplied with the coil and after several attemps to fit it we decided we had been given a left hand thread and my wife is definitely a right hand screx.

The Dutch cap came next. We were very pleased about this as it did not interfere with our sex life at all but it did give my wife several headaches. We were given the largest size available but it was still too tight across her forehead.

Finally we tried the pill. At first it kept falling out. Then we realised we were doing it wrong. My wife then started putting it between her knees thus preventing me from getting anywhere near her. This worked for a while until the night she dropped the pill.

You must realise and appreciate my problem. If this application is not successful I will have to result to oral sex but just talking about it could never be a substitute for the real thing.

Yours sincerely

MJC
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Old Jul 3rd 2005, 12:51 pm
  #1192  
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Default Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?

Six year-old boy to his father: Daddy, can I have a train set?
His Father: Does your dick touch your ass?
Boy, reaching into his pants: No.
His Father: Well, come back when it does.

Five years pass.
Eleven year-old boy to his father: Dad, can I have a ten speed bike?
His Father: Does your dick touch your ass?
Boy, reaching into his pants: No.
His Father: Well, come back when it does.

Another five years passes.
Sixteen year-old boy to his father: Dad, can I have a car?
His Father: Does your dick touch your ass?
Boy: Yes, it does.
Father: Good. Then go f**k yourself.
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Old Jul 3rd 2005, 12:56 pm
  #1193  
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Default Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?

Aww, shucks guys, thanks for all the karma...I have tears in my eyes (cause I've just caught my foreskin in my zipper)
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Old Jul 7th 2005, 8:04 am
  #1194  
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Default Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?

One for any South Africans out there and friends of SA

Ferrari Formula 1 racing team recently fired the whole pit crew to employ a few young guys from Soweto.

This sudden reaction was due to a television documentary showing how young Sowetans could take off a car's wheels in under six seconds without any fancy equipment.

Ferrari soon regretted their decision , however, as the young men not only changed the wheels within six seconds, but twelve seconds later the car had been resprayed and sold to the McLaren team!

Ferrari was still eager to compete in the Grand Prix and, since they no longer had a formula 1 car to race with, the young Sowetans suggested using a minibus taxi, complete with an experienced (yet unlicensed) driver, and fare collector.

Of course they easily won the championship, since the minibus weaved it's way through the starting grid, set off before the lights changed and didn't bother to change the tyres when they wore out.

It also took all the corners at maximum speed, as the brakes were nonexistent. On the way to victory the new "Ama Ferrari-Ferrari" team also managed to hi-jack several competitors cars and pick up 35 passengers at some notoriously dangerous spots, including blind rises as well as the chicane.

The 15,000 spectators rocked, boogied and cheered the minibus to victory as it blasted six thousand watts of rap music for all 77 laps.

We can be proud of yet another South African sporting achievement which will put us at the forefront of sporting history. Well done guys!!
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Old Jul 7th 2005, 7:50 pm
  #1195  
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Default Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?

During an etiquette class, a teacher is trying to teach her students good
manners to follow while on a dinner date. "Michael," she asks one of the
students, "if you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady,
how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"


"Just a minute," replies Michael, "I have to go piss."


"That would be rude and impolite!" exclaimed the teacher. "What about you,
John, how would you say it?"


"I'm sorry," answered John, "but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll
be right back."


"That's better," said the teacher, nodding, "but it's still not very nice
to say the word 'bathroom' at the table. And you, Peter, are you able to
use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners?" she asked.


Peter smiled and responded, "I would say, 'Darling, may I please be excused
for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom
I hope you'll get to meet after supper.'"


The teacher fainted.
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Old Jul 8th 2005, 6:40 am
  #1196  
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Default Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?

Love Lines?

I thought that I could love no other.
Until, that is, I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue,
sugar is sweet and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead,
the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

Of loving beauty you float with grace.
If only you could hide your face.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot.
This describes everything you are not.

I want to feel your sweet embrace.
But don't take that paper bag off of your face.

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes.
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

My feelings for you no words can tell.
Except for maybe "go to hell".

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.
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Old Jul 8th 2005, 11:28 pm
  #1197  
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Default Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?

A woman’s husband comes home hammered every night and she always yells at him before going to bed alone.
One day she decides to try some reverse psychology. When her husband staggers in that night, she’s waiting for him in her best lingerie. She sits him in an armchair and gives him a backrub.

“It’s getting late, big boy,� she says after a few minutes. “Why don’t we go upstairs to bed.�

“We might as well,� slurs the husband. “I’m going to be in trouble when I get home, anyway.�
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Old Jul 9th 2005, 12:21 am
  #1198  
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A young woman in Cheboygan was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Straits. She went to the Mackinaw Bridge and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome
young sailor saw her tottering on the rail, crying.
He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."
Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning. That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain.
"What are you doing here?" the captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained.
"I get food and a trip to Europe , and he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Mackinaw Island Ferry."
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Old Jul 9th 2005, 12:30 am
  #1199  
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Default Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?

Originally Posted by Bob
A young woman in Cheboygan was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Straits. She went to the Mackinaw Bridge and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome
young sailor saw her tottering on the rail, crying.
He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."
Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning. That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain.
"What are you doing here?" the captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained.
"I get food and a trip to Europe , and he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Mackinaw Island Ferry."
Didn't Ben just post this? Or have I entered the twilight zone?
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Old Jul 9th 2005, 1:56 am
  #1200  
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Default Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?

Originally Posted by Wintersong
Didn't Ben just post this? Or have I entered the twilight zone?
he could have done, didn't check out the whole of the pub though, or the other threads...it's a cheesy old one anyway
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