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Some Humour Merged with Cheesy Jokes Thread

Some Humour Merged with Cheesy Jokes Thread

Old Jun 10th 2005, 3:34 am
  #1141  
 
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Default Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?

Lady walks into an ice cream parlor on a hot day.
"I'd like a gallon of chocolate ice cream", she says.

"I'm sorry ma'am, but we've had a run on chocolate in this weather and we just ran out. We've got 30 other flavours, so please pick one of them." replied the clerk.

"Oh well, I guess I'll just have a quart of chocolate then."
"Ma'am, perhaps you didn't hear me. We are completely out of chocolate ice cream, but I'll be happy to sell you another flavour."

"Oh. Better make it just a pint of chocolate then."
The clerk has had enough at this point and asks, "Listen, lady, spell the 'VAN' in 'vanilla'."

The lady is puzzled, but replies "V-A-N".

"OK, now spell the 'STRAW' in 'strawberry'. he says.

She slowly replies, "S-T-R-A-W", still not sure what he's up to.

"OK, now spell the "F uck" in 'chocolate'."

She looks at him and says, "There's no 'F uck' in chocolate!'

He shouts back, "That's what I'm tryin to tell you, lady! There's no F uckin chocolate!"

Last edited by JulesandChris; Jun 10th 2005 at 3:34 am. Reason: can't type f****
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Old Jun 12th 2005, 12:54 am
  #1142  
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Default Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?

Be careful!
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Old Jun 12th 2005, 1:15 am
  #1143  
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Default Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?

An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern. The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you."
"Yes," she says, "I remember it well."
"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for old time's sake.
"Oooooooh, Henry, you old devil, that sounds like a good idea," she answers.
There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's not any trouble." So he follows them.
They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the Old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds.
This goes on for about forty minutes! She's yelling, "Ohhh, God!" He's hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable.
Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he's learned something about life that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, still watching thinks, "that was truly amazing - that old man was going like a train- I've got to ask him what his secret is."
As the couple pass, he says to them, "That was something else. You had sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?"
The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
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Old Jun 12th 2005, 4:53 pm
  #1144  
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Default Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?

Daddy, Mummy and baby balloon are floating around in their house watching an approaching thunderstorm. Not wanting to be caught in such a storm, Daddy suggested they all repair early to their bedrooms.

But baby balloon soon got very frightened as the storm approached still closer. He decided to sneak to the shelter of Mum and Dads room. However the room was too full with two adult balloons and he couldn't squeeze in.

Scared, baby balloon decide to expel some air from Mummy balloon..."pffft" - a little more room, but not enough to squeeze in. "Pffft"...release some air from Daddy....still not enough room. Baby balloon is panicking and decides to let some of his air out..."Pffft". It worked - in the room he squeezed - baby balloon was safe.

The following morning after the storm had passed uneventfully, Daddy balloon turned to his boy and said "Son, you've let me down, you've let your mother down, but worst of all, you've let yourself down".
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Old Jun 15th 2005, 8:35 pm
  #1145  
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A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them.



The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests and then concluded, ''Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you. On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue."

He continued, ''Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut.''

The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor.

The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests. Then he told the Greens the bad news. ''I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be, I cannot help.''

The Greens pleaded with him, and said, ''You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please help us.



After much arguing, the doctor, under protest, finally agreed to help them:"Ok" he said, "go to the store and buy some apples and a box of Cheerios...''
 
Old Jun 15th 2005, 9:06 pm
  #1146  
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Default Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?

Dave works hard at the office and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym.
His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, starts to rub herself all over him and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
Dave tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every cuss word in the book.
The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Dave, you picked up a real b_t_h this time".
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Old Jun 16th 2005, 8:04 pm
  #1147  
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Default Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?

New Job at the Zoo.

A man starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. First is to
clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.

As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss,
he beats it to death with a spade.

Realizing his employer won't be pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding
it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of cleaning out the chimp house, he is attacked
by the chimps who pelt him with chimp feces. He swipes at two chimps with a
spade killing them both. What can he do?

Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions will eat anything.

He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moves on to his third job which is to collect honey from the South
American Bees.

As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and
smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and thows them to the
lions cage because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion
and says "what's the food like here?"

The lions say, "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with
Mushy Bees"
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Old Jun 17th 2005, 11:34 am
  #1148  
 
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Default Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?

Sorry, havent read all the posts so this may have been suggested, but some of my fave silly jokes:

A horse walks into a bar, the barman says "Why the long face?"

A pork pie walks into a bar, the barman says "Sorry, we dont serve food"

A piece of string walks into a bar, barman says "Are you a piece of string?", string replies "No, I'm afriad not"

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Old Jun 17th 2005, 7:08 pm
  #1149  
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Default Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?

Hillbilly Medical Terms

Artery.............................The study of paintings.
Benign.............................What you be after you be eight.
Bacteria...........................Back door to cafeteria.
Barium.............................What doctors do when patients die.
Cat Scan...........................Searching for kitty.
Cauterize..........................Made eye contact with her
Caesarean Section..................A neighborhood in rome.
Colic..............................A sheep dog.
Coma...............................A punctuation mark.
D & C..............................Where Washington is.
Dilate.............................To live long.
Enema..............................Not a friend.
Fester.............................Quicker than someone else.
Fibula.............................A small lie
Genital............................Non-Jewish person.
GI Series..........................World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail...........................What you hang your coat on.
Impotent...........................Distinguished, well known.
Labor pain.........................Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff......................a doctors cane.
Morbid.............................A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates...........................Cheaper than day rates.
Node...............................Was aware of.
Outpatient.........................a person who has fainted.
Pap Smear..........................A fatherhood test.
Pelvis.............................Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative.....................A letter Carrier.
Recovery Room......................Place to do upholstery.
Rectum.............................Darn near killed him.
Secretion..........................Hiding something.
Seizure............................Roman Emperor.
Tablet.............................A small table.
Terminal Illness...................Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor..............................More than one.
Urine..............................Opposite of you're out.
Varicose...........................Near by/close by.
Vein...............................Conceited.
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Old Jun 18th 2005, 7:33 am
  #1150  
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Default Red Neck Drivers Application Form

Plez compleet this paper, best ya can.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Last name: ________________
First name: [_] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue
[_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo
[_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann
[_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee
[_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen
[_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)

Sex: [_]M [_]F [_]None

Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Occupation: [_] Farmer [_] Waitress
[_] Mechanic [_] Dirty Politician
[_] Hair Dresser [_] Un-employed

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Spouse's Name: __________________________
2nd Spouse's Name: __________________________
3rd Spouse's Name: __________________________
Lover's Name: __________________________
2nd Lover's Name: __________________________

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Relationship with spouse: [_] Sister [_] Aunt
[_] Brother [_] Uncle
[_] Mother [_] Father
[_] Son [_] Cousin
[_] Daughter [_] Pet

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Number of children living in household: ___
Number of children living in shed: ___
Number of children that are yours: ___

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mother's Name: _______________________
Father's Name: _______________________

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
If you obtained a higher education what was your
major?
[_] 5th grade [_] 6th grade

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Vehicles you own and where you keep them:
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Age you started drivin ______ (If over 10 are you
are still slow lerrnin ? [_] Yes [_] No)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck
____ kitchen
____ bedroom
____ bathroom/outhouse
____ shed
____ pawnshop

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Model and year of your pickup: _________ 194_
Do you have a gun rack?
[_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
[_] The National Enquirer
[_] The Globe
[_] TV Guide
[_] Soap Opera Digest
[_] Rifle and Shotgun
[_] Bassmasters

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How often do you bathe:
[_] Weekly
[_] Monthly
[_] Not Applicable

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How many teeth in YOUR mouth? ___
Color of teeth:
[_] Yellow
[_] Brownish-Yellow
[_] Brown
[_] Black
[_] N/A

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
[_] Red-Man
[_] Skoal

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How far is your home from a paved road?
[_] 1 mile
[_] 2 miles
[_] don't know

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Old Jun 18th 2005, 7:35 am
  #1151  
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Default Rabbit Test

Rabbit Test

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
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Old Jun 18th 2005, 2:53 pm
  #1152  
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Default Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?

A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other Monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying from copies, not the original manuscripts. So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there were an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies.

The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original. Hours go by and nobody sees him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him.

He hears sobbing coming from the back of the cellar, and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying.

He asks the old monk what's wrong, and in a choked voice came the reply... "The word is celebrate."
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Old Jun 18th 2005, 2:53 pm
  #1153  
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Default Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?

A Southerner is having his breakfast (coffee, grits, biscuits, and jam) when a Northerner chewing obnoxiously on gum sits down next to him. The Southerner ignores the Northerner who, nevertheless, starts a conversation. Northerner: "When you Southern people eat bread, do you eat the whole slice?"

Southerner: "Yep."

Northerner: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. Up north, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, then transform them into biscuits and send them to the South. The Northerner has a smirk on his face. The Southerner listens in silence.

The Northerner persists: "Do you eat jam with biscuits?"

Southerner: "Yep."

Northerner: (cracking and smacking his gum between his teeth and chuckling). "We don't. Up north after we eat fruit for breakfast, we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and then send it down south.

Then the Southerner asks: "Y'all have sex up north?"

Northerner: "Why of course we do", the Northerner says, as he pops another big bubble.

Southerner: "And what do y'all do with the condoms once ya use em?"

Northerner: "We throw them away, of course.

Southerner: We don't. Down south we put em in a jar, recycle em, melt em down into chewing gum and sell em to you Yankees."
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Old Jun 18th 2005, 2:54 pm
  #1154  
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Default Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?

A sixteen year old girl goes for confession. "Father, I called a man a son-of-a-bitch yesterday."

"Why did you call him a son-of-a-bitch?" the priest asked.

"Because, father, he touched me on my arm without permission."

"Do you mean like this?" He touches her arm.

"Yes father."

"That's no reason for calling him a son-of-a-bitch."

"But, father, he also touched my breasts."

"You mean like this?" He touches her breasts.

"Yes father."

"That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."

"But father, he took off my clothes."

"Like this?" He takes off her clothes.

"Yes father."

"That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."

"But father he then put his you-know-what in my you-know-where."

"Like this??" He put his you-know-what in her you-know-where.

"Yes father," she says sometime later.

"But that's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."

"But father, he has AIDS."

"THAT SON-OF-A-BITCH!"
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Old Jun 18th 2005, 3:03 pm
  #1155  
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Default Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?

The World's Shortest Fairy Tale


Once upon a time, a man asked a woman "Will you marry me?"

She said "No".

And the man lived happily ever after.
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