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Some Humour Merged with Cheesy Jokes Thread

Some Humour Merged with Cheesy Jokes Thread

Old May 31st 2005, 1:11 am
  #1126  
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Default Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In University I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 21 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 25 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and flirted with everyone she met. She made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.

When I turned 28, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am now 30 and am looking for a girl with big tits.
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Old Jun 3rd 2005, 4:41 am
  #1127  
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There was a middle aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters. The couple decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife finally got pregnant and sure enough delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later. The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and told her there was no way he could be the father of that child.
"Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!" Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"
The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time!"
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Old Jun 3rd 2005, 7:41 pm
  #1128  
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Default Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?

A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE African American guy standing next to him. The big guys sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says:

"7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 14 inch penis, 1 pound left testicle, 1 pound right testicle,...Turner Brown."

The small man faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big fellow says, "What's wrong with you?" In a weak voice the little guys says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"

The big dude says,

"I saw the curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weight 350 pounds, I have a 14 inch penis, my left testicle weighs 1 pounds, my right testicle weighs 1 pounds and my name is Turner Brown."

The small guy says,

" Turner Brown?
Thank God! I thought you said "Turn around."
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Old Jun 3rd 2005, 8:03 pm
  #1129  
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Default Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity."
With that, the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's unit. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed it to was his wife.
"I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase.
"Oh my God!" the wife screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"
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Old Jun 4th 2005, 12:04 pm
  #1130  
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Default Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Moishe."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Moishe Glickman. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Moishe every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Moishe. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something, huh?"

Cabbie: "He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighbourhood blacks out."

Passenger. "Wow, some guy eh?

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get into them"

"Passenger" Hmmmmm, not many like that around"

Cabbie: "And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Moishe."

Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"

Cabbie: "I married his widow"
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Old Jun 4th 2005, 4:43 pm
  #1131  
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Default Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?

A man walks into a nightclub one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."
"One Cent?!!" exclaimed the man.
So the man glances over at the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas and a fried egg?"
"Certainly, Sir," replies the barman, "but that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the man.
"Four cents," the bartender replied.
"Four Cents?!!" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied, "The same thing as I'm doing to his business."
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Old Jun 7th 2005, 4:07 pm
  #1132  
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Default Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?

A father watched his daughter playing in the garden.

He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.

He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

" Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.

"They're mating," her father replied.

"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked.

"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.

" So, the other one is Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.

"No," her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl thought for a moment, then she stomped them flat and said

"Well, it might be okay in California, Vermont, and New York,

but we're not having any of that shit in Texas."
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Old Jun 8th 2005, 3:32 am
  #1133  
 
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Default Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?

A sweet grandmother telephoned Mount Sinai Hospital. She timidly asked, "is
it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said "I'll be glad to help, dear. what's the name and room
number?"

The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Holly Finkel, room 302."

The Operator replied, "let me check.

Oh, good news. Her records say that Holly is doing very well. Her blood
pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her
physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday."

The Grandmother said, "thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God
bless you for the good news."

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Holly your daughter?"

The Grandmother said, "no, I'm Holly Finkel in 302. No one tells me shit
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Old Jun 8th 2005, 4:27 am
  #1134  
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Default Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?

My wife, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway, the other day, just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck and I starting jumping up and down along with her.
When she said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!"
I said "Great. Tell me what you're so happy about."
She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, when she told me that she was pregnant!
I was ecstatic!
We had been trying for a while, so I grabbed her and kissed her on the lips and told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier!"
Then, she said "Oh, honey, There's more."
I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?"
She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!"
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew.
She said, (You're going to love this!)
"Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and bought the twin-pack home pregnancy test kit and both tests came out positive!"
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Old Jun 8th 2005, 10:29 pm
  #1135  
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Default Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?

A convict escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He
breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck,then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife:



"Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably
spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he
kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain... do whatever
he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is
obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong,
honey. I love you!"



His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.
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Old Jun 8th 2005, 10:31 pm
  #1136  
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Default Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?

A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase some sheer lingerie for his
wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price;
the more sheer, the higher the price. He opts for the most sheer item, pays the
$500 and takes the lingerie home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it
for him. Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea.

It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do
the modeling naked, return it tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for myself."

So she appears naked and strikes a pose.

Her husband says, "Goodness gracious! You'd think that for $500, they'd at
least iron it!"

He never heard the shot.

Funeral on Friday.
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Old Jun 9th 2005, 12:12 am
  #1137  
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Default Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?

As we age, our priorities change . The other day I came home and was greeted by my wife, dressed only in very sexy underwear and holding a couple of short velvet ropes.
"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So, I tied her up and went golfing.
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Old Jun 9th 2005, 9:32 pm
  #1138  
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Default Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of
a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she shakily wobbles the
few feet across the store to the counter. Finally arriving at the counter
and grabbing it for support, she asks the sales clerk:

Dddooo youuuu hhave dddddiilllldosss??

The clerk, politely, and trying not to burst out laughing, replies: ?Yes we
do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models.

The old woman then asks:

Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong
aaandd aabboutt tttwoo inchesss ththiickk that
Vvviiiibbbrrraaatttteeesss??

The clerk responds:
Yes, we do.

The poor old lady replies, Ddddooo yyoooouuuu knnnoooww hhhowww tttooo
ttturrrnnn ttthe fffffuuccckkkinggg ttthingggg offffff??
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Old Jun 10th 2005, 12:42 am
  #1139  
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Default Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?

A bit of a twist on the old classic...

A woman stopped by unannounced at her son's house. She knocked on the door, then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law laying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?" she asked. "I'm waiting for John to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed. "This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"John loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."
The mother-in-law left.
When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?
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Old Jun 10th 2005, 3:32 am
  #1140  
 
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Default Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?

A farmer was sitting in a bar getting drunk.
A man came in and asked the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here, on this beautiful day, getting drunk?"

The farmer shook his head and replied, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So what happened that's so horrible?", the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer.

"Well," the farmer said, "Today, I was sitting by my cow, milking her.
Just as I got the bucket full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket."

"Okay," said the man, "but that's not so bad."
"Some things you just can't explain," the farmer replied, "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on her left.

Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket."
The man laughed, "Again?"

The farmer nodded, and replied, "Some things you just can't explain.
I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.

Well I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail. Some things you just can't explain."

"So, what did you do?"
"Well," the farmer said, "I didn't have anymore rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter.

At that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in...
Some things you just can't explain."
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