Bob

Jim decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at the maturity of a 12 year old.

He stated that it was OK because he loved her sooo much. However, Jim felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he also had a deformity too.

Jim looked Sandy in the eyes and said...."I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married She said, "Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant size penis."

Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait for the Honeymoon. Jim whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing, holding one another...As Sandy put her hands in Jim's pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room! Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong.

She said, "You told me your penis was the size of an infant!"

"Yes it is..... 8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long!!"

Bob

A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops for a red light.

An old man on a moped (looking about 75 years old) pulls up next to the sleek, shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"

The young man replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"

That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"

"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the young dude proudly.

The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?" "No problem," replies the owner.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then sitting back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right... but I'll stick with my moped!"

Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man just what this car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads160-mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror.

It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster!!!!

"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!" the young man asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250-mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the moped. Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari he gives it some more gas and passes the moped at 275-mph. whoooooosh! He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old Man gaining on him again.

Astounded by the speed of this oldguy he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320-mph. Not ten seconds later hesees the moped bearing down on him again. The Ferrari is flat out and there's nothing he can do.

Suddenly the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and unbelievably, the old man is still alive!!! He runs up to the mangled man and says, "Oh my God! Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man whispers with his dying breath, "Unhook...my suspenders from your side-view mirror!"

COWBOY_BUILDER

Two old ladys were sitting in a park when a guy walked up and Flashed at them ,
One had a STROKE ,
But the other couldn't quite reach.........

Hebapotamus42

Two cowboys from Texas walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail dust from their throats. They stand at the bar, drinking their beers and quietly talking about cattle prices. Suddenly a woman at a table behind them, who had been eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so it becomes apparent that she is in real distress, and the cowboys turn to look at her.

"Kin ya swaller?" asks one of the cowboys.

No, the woman shakes her head.

"Kin ya breathe?" asks the other.

The woman, beginning to turn a bit blue, shakes her head no again.

The first cowboy walks over to her, lifts up the back of her skirt, yanks down her panties, and slowly runs his tongue from the back of her thigh up to the small of her back. This shocks the woman into a violent spasm, the obstruction flies out of her mouth and she begins to breathe again. The cowboy walks back over to the bar and takes a drink of his beer.

His partner says,"Ya know, I'd heard of that there Hind Lick Maneuver, but I never seen anybody do it before."

ironporer

Probably been poster here before, but it is still oh so perfectly true:

The Guys' Rules

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all
down. Finally, the guys' side of the story. (I must
admit, it's pretty good.) We always hear "the rules"
from the female side. Now here are the rules from the
male side. These are our rules! Please note... these
are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl.
If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it
down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving
it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the
changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going
to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. "Yes" and "No" are perfectly acceptable answers to
almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help
solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your
girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.
See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an
argument. In fact, all comments become null and void
after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret
girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't
ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways
and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant
the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us
how you want it done. Not both. If you already know
best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to
say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and
we don't either.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default
settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color.
Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve
is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we
will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying,
but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to,
expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything
you wear is fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you
are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the
shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to
sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men
really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Bob

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible".

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine"

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now".

"Well, ok, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really".

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them shit in my eye".

"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye just from some bird doo-doo?"

"It was my first day with the hook"

Bob

Things To Ponder

A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.

How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.

Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?

Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.

No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.

There are no new sins....the old ones just get more publicity.

There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM. It could be a right number.

Think about this..., No one ever says "It's only a game" when his team is winning.

Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.

The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.

If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.

Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.

Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it.

The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?

Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo.

After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.

Manc

..Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm, his wife is lying in

bed reading.

Man says, "This is the pig I have s*x with when you've got a headache."

Wife replies, "I think you'll find, that is a sheep."

Man replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."

Monkeyrillas

Q: What does a math graduate say to a sociology graduate?

A: I'll have the burger and fries, please.

cresta57

Two young boys are in their room... "You know what?" says the first boy, "I think it's about time we started swearing." The other nods his head in approval "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to swear first, then you swear after me, ok?" "Ok!" they agree with enthusiasm. The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the first boy what he wants for breakfast. "Oh, shit mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops" WHACK!! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out. She looks at the remaining boy and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?" "I don't know," he blubbers, "but it won't be ****ing Coco Pops."

cresta57

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?" "I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also do a gramme of charlie a day, a spliff every night, a case of whiskey a week, eat junk food, and never exercise, and do pills on the weekend." "That's amazing," said the woman, "how old are you?' "Twenty-six."

cresta57

Two kids are playing football in a park in Manchester. Suddenly one of them is attacked by a Rottweiler which clamps its mouth around the kids neck. The other kid, seeing the danger his pal is in, picks up one of the sticks they were using as a goal post, puts it through the dogs collar, and using all his strength twists it until the dogs neck breaks and his friend is saved. This is all seen by a local newspaper reporter who sees a possible national headline in the incident, and goes over to the kids. "That was really heroic" he says "I can see it now 'Heroic United fan risks life to save best friend'" "But I don't follow United" says the kid. "Ok, how about 'Super City Kid fights off rabid rottweiller to save his pal'"? "But I don't follow City either", says the kid. "Well who do you support?" asks the reporter. "Liverpool", he says. "Even better", says the reporter, "Scouse bastard murders family pet".

cresta57

Bill had a new job in a pickle factory. For weeks, he had had an urge to stick his dick into the pickle slicer. He finally came clean to his wife, who begged him not to do it. Bill couldn't control himself, and his urge grew bigger and bigger. One day, he came home from work, and told his wife that he did it. "My god" said his wife "what happened?" "I got fired" said Bill. "No" his wife added "I mean what happened about the pickle slicer?" "Oh" said Bill "she got fired too"

Bob

One day a sweet little girl becomes puzzled about her origin.

"How did I get here, Mommy?" she asks.

Her mother replies, using a well-worn phrase, "Why God sent you,Honey."

"And did God send you too, Mommy?" she continues.

"Yes, Sweetheart, he did."

"And Daddy, and Grandma and Grandpa, and their moms and dads, too?"

"Yes, Honey, all of them, too."

The child shakes her head in disbelief. "Then you're telling me there's been no sex in this family for over 200 years? No wonder everyone is so grouchy!"

cresta57

The Genius of Peter Kay :

1) I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it.
I said, Thyroid problem?

2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I
realized that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked
him to forgive me.

3) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to
go swimming.

4) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my stepladder. I don't
get on with my real ladder.

5) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names.
But one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break
my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it
was sticks and stones all the way.

6) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably
why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

7) Sex is like a game of bridge: If you don't have a good partner,
you'd better have a good hand.

8) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour
said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough.'

9) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of
meat?

10) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and
give the wrong answers.

11) You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.


Peter Kay's questions...

1) Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

2) If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to
the core of the earth?

3) Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

4) Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your back side?

5) Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do
is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?

6) Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

7) Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for
centuries' have a 'use by' date?

8) Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
horrible crisp no one would eat?

9) Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

10) Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll
squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?

11) What do people in China call their good plates?

12) Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but
don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom?

13) Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?

14) If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

15) Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over billion
stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet
paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

16) Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad
at you but when you take him on a car ride; he sticks his head out of the
window?

Peter Kay's Universal Truths

1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying

3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when
your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronized with a complete stranger.

4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.

5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008
into a calculator

6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.

7) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have
a fire in your back garden.

8) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

9) You never know where to look when eating a banana.

10) Rummaging in an overgrow garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.

11) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.

12) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call
your teacher mum or dad.

13) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way
through and then raced against the flush.

14) It's impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

15) You never ever run out of salt.

16) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've
got your hand or head stuck in something.

17) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.

18) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had
their arm broken by a swan.

19) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping
on an upturned plug.

20) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard.

21) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of
wood specifically to stir paint with.

22) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.