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-   -   Some Humour Merged with Cheesy Jokes Thread (https://britishexpats.com/forum/take-outside-67/some-humour-merged-cheesy-jokes-thread-737915/)

Deadmeat Sep 29th 2004 5:54 pm

Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?
 

Originally Posted by Bob
Hehe...heard that one before, great cheesy one that :D

Since we are in a motoring mood and I'm clearing out my old joke folder:

German Motoring Phrases

1. Die BlinkenLeiten Tickentocken
Indicators

2. Pullknob und KnuckleChoppen
Bonnet

3. Der Spitzenpoppenbangentuben
Exhaust

4. Das Kulink mit Schlippenundshaken
Clutch

5. Der Phlatt mit Bloody fukken
Puncture

6. Der Twatten mit Elplatz
Learner driver

7. Das Bagsaroomfurshagginkin
Estate car

8. Der Flippenflappenschitspreader
Windscreen wipers

9. Der Klunkenklinkenfrauleinstrappen
Seat belt

10. Das Buch fur Aresewipen
Highway code

11. Die Dippenuntdazzel Eiblinden
Headlights

12. Der Pedalpuschinpilloken
Cyclist

13. Der Fukkengratentrucken
Lorry

14. Der Bananwaltzen
Skid

15. Dast Fukkennearenschitzenselfen
Near accident

Deadmeat Sep 29th 2004 5:57 pm

Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?
 
More old stuff, get 'em while they're crap ...

A Religious Moment

THE GIRLIES PRAYER

Our Marks Which art with Spencers
Hallowed be thy foodhall
Thy Gucci watch
Thy Kookai bag
In Hermes
As it is in Harrods
Give us each day our Visa Gold
And forgive us our overdraft
As we forgive those who stop our Next Card
And lead us not into Dorothy Perkins
And deliver us from Topshop
For thine is the Naff Naff, The Cartier and the Versace
For Gaultier and Eternity
AMEX

LADS’ PRAYER

Our beer,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk,
I will be drunk,
At home as it is in the local.
Forgive us this day our daily spillage
As we forgive those who spillest against us.
And lead us not into the practice of poncey wine tasting,
And deliver us from alco-pops,
For mine is the bitter, the ale and the lager,
Forever and ever;
BARMEN

Bob Sep 29th 2004 6:08 pm

Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?
 
Hehe...superb :)

ScousePete Sep 29th 2004 7:10 pm

Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?
 
Q: What's the difference between light and hard?

A: You can go to sleep with the light on.

:D

kath n kim Sep 29th 2004 10:22 pm

Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?
 
Keep this thread going eveyone, keeps me tittering for ages..........!!! :D

Two women are walking home after a night out with the girls. They are very drunk and as the walk home taking longer then expected, find themselves desperate for a wee.
As they are passing a church with a graveyard, they decide to go and relieve themselves behind the headstones. As they finish, they both realise they have nothing to wipe themselves with.
The first women decides to use her knickers and throw them away afterwards, which is what she does. The second is wearing expensive underwear and doesn't want to lose it, but notices a grave behind her that is very recent and still has flowers all over it. One of these is a very lavish bunch tied together with thick expensive ribbon. ' just the job' she decides, and reaches over, drags the flowers towards her, and uses the ribbon.
Thier task continued they continue to stagger home.
Next morning, the husband of the first woman phones the husband of the second. " We need to keep an eye on our wives. Mine came home with no knickers on last night!"
" You think you have got problems!" exclaimed the second husband. " My wife came home with a card stuck up her arse that said ' We'll never forget you- from all the lads in the fire station'!"

Deadmeat Sep 30th 2004 12:19 pm

Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?
 
I must go down to the sea again, to the lonely sea and the sky;
I left my shoes and socks there - I wonder if they're dry?

Spike Milligan

DIMO8 Sep 30th 2004 1:34 pm

Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?
 
A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING THE FOOTBALL WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,

"HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW"

HE LOOKS AT HER ANGRILY;

"FIX THE LIGHT. NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE AN ELECTRICIANS LOGO PRINTED ON MY FORHEAD? I DONT THINK SO!"

THE WIFE ASKS.

"WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WONT CLOSE RIGHT"

TO WHICH HE REPLIED

"FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE HOTPOINT WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DONT THINK SO".

FINE, SHE SAYS.

"THEN COULD YOU AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY'RE ABOUT TO BREAK".

" I'M NOT A DAMN CARPENTER AND I DONT WANT TO FIX THE STEPS, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WOODIES DIY WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DONT THINK SO. I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU I'M GOING TO THE PUB".

SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS. HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE AND DECIDES TO GO HOME AND HELP OUT. AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THE STEPS ARE SLREADY FIXED. AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING. AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

"HONEY...HOW DID ALL THIS GET FIXED"

SHE SAID.

"WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED, JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM. HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE"

HE SAID

" SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE FOR HIM?"

SHE REPLIED

"HELLOOOOO..........DO YOU SEE DELIA SMITH WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DONT THINK SO!"

Manc Sep 30th 2004 2:51 pm

Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?
 
Athens, Greece - A road traffic accident heading for the paralympic stadium this weekend, when a coach carrying 40 people hit an embankment and rolled onto the roof. Initial estimates are that 4 people were fatally injured and 30 people were turned into competitors.



WHAT?

Deadmeat Sep 30th 2004 3:06 pm

Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?
 
Along the same lines ...

Rochester, Kent - A glider crashed into a graveyard this morning, police have recovered 50 bodies.

Deadmeat Sep 30th 2004 3:09 pm

Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?
 
** STOP PRESS **

Tirana
------

A huge earthquake has killed over 5,000 people.

The US has sent a disaster recovery team, France has sent medical supplies and the UK has sent 5,000 replacement Albanians.

ScousePete Sep 30th 2004 3:29 pm

Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?
 
A nine year old boy asks his mother, "Is God male or female?"
After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, "Well God is both male and female."
This confuses the boy, so he asks, "Is God black or white?"
"Well," she says, "God is both black and white."
This really confuses the boy, so he asks, "Is God gay or straight?"
Feeling a bit out of her depth, but wanting to be consistent, the mother answers, "Honey, God is both gay and straight."
At this the boy's face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks...
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
"Is Michael Jackson God?" ;) :D

Bob Sep 30th 2004 3:30 pm

Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?
 

Originally Posted by Manc
WHAT?

Don't know if your being serious or not...or if that should be funny...but it is... :eek:

Deadmeat Sep 30th 2004 4:00 pm

Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?
 
What's the difference between Paula Radcliffe and Hitler?

At least Hitler tried to finish a race...

Lucyemma5 Sep 30th 2004 4:15 pm

Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?
 
THIS SHOULD END ALL 3 BEARS STORIES!

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table, he looks into his small bowl. It is empty.

"Who's been eating my porridge?!!" he squeaks.
Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my Porridge?!!" he
roars.

Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen
and yells... "For Christ's sake, how many times do we have to go through
this with you idiots?

It was Momma Bear who got up first, it was Momma Bear who woke
everyone in the house, it was Momma Bear who made the coffee, it was
Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put
everything away, it was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper, it was Momma Bear who set the damn table, it was Momma Bear who put the friggin' cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat's water and food dish, and, now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs, and grace Momma Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, cause I'm only going to say this one more time...

"I HAVEN'T MADE THE F ----ING PORRIDGE YET!!"

Bob Sep 30th 2004 4:38 pm

Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?
 

Originally Posted by Deadmeat
What's the difference between Paula Radcliffe and Hitler?

At least Hitler tried to finish a race...

That's cruel...nice :D


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