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Some Humour Merged with Cheesy Jokes Thread

Some Humour Merged with Cheesy Jokes Thread

Old Jan 31st 2014, 9:09 pm
  #2986  
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Default Re: Some Humour Merged with Cheesy Jokes Thread

Originally Posted by TheArmChairDetective View Post
Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town. After quite a few drinks they end up in a brothel.

The 'Madam' takes one look at the old men and whispers to her manager "Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed, those two are so old and drunk I'm not wasting my girls on them, they won't know the difference!"

The manager does as instructed and the two old men go upstairs to take care of their 'business'.

After the event as they are walking home the first man says, "You know what, I think my girl was dead!" "Dead" says his friend, "Why do you think that?"

"Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her."

His friend replies, "Could be worse, I think mine was a witch!"

"A witch??. . why in the world would you think that?"

"Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck and I gave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out of the window, took my bloody teeth with her!"
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Old Jan 31st 2014, 9:25 pm
  #2987  
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Default Re: Some Humour Merged with Cheesy Jokes Thread

The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp boss!) When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans. The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.


About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 List.. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone! The top 10 were:





10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!




9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.




8. Viagra, like a rock!




7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.




6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.




5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.




4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.




3. Viagra, Home of the whopper!




2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!



And the unanimous number one slogan:


1. This is your peepee... This is your peepee on drugs.
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Old Feb 6th 2014, 3:21 am
  #2988  
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Default Re: Some Humour Merged with Cheesy Jokes Thread

Originally Posted by TheArmChairDetective View Post
British Hospitals - True Stories


2. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her on her mobile phone reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'

Submitted by Dr @ Royal London Hospital.
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Old Feb 13th 2014, 12:50 am
  #2989  
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Default Re: Some Humour Merged with Cheesy Jokes Thread

Alcohol
Alcohol is not in my vodkabulary. However, I looked it up on whiskeypedia and learned if you drink too much of it, it's likely tequilya
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Old Feb 19th 2014, 7:48 pm
  #2990  
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Default Re: Some Humour Merged with Cheesy Jokes Thread

Shane and Phil were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft
engineers in Melbourne, Australia.

One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Phil said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'

Shane says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?'

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely
smashed.

The next morning Phil wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!

Then the phone rings. It's Shane. Shane says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?' Phil says, 'I feel great, how about you?' Shane says, 'I feel great, too. You don't
have a hangover?'

Phil says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often. '

Yeah, well there's just one thing.'

'What's that?'

'Have you farted yet?'

'No.'

'Well, DON’T - 'cause I'm in New Zealand '
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Old Feb 23rd 2014, 8:05 pm
  #2991  
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Default Re: Some Humour Merged with Cheesy Jokes Thread

The PC brigade have decided that you are no longer allowed to use the word Pikey!
You must now use the phrase: Caravan Utilising Nomadic Travellers.. a bit of a mouthful but you could always use the acronym.....
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Old Feb 28th 2014, 12:10 pm
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Default Re: Some Humour Merged with Cheesy Jokes Thread

Paul McCartney being interviewed on the radio..

(Reporter): Sir Paul, do you think you will ever go down on one knee again?

(McCartney): I don't think so. She would have to give all my money back first.
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Old Mar 1st 2014, 5:47 am
  #2993  
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Default Re: Some Humour Merged with Cheesy Jokes Thread

Originally Posted by Nutek View Post
Paul McCartney being interviewed on the radio..

(Reporter): Sir Paul, do you think you will ever go down on one knee again?

(McCartney): I don't think so. She would have to give all my money back first.
He had to give Heather Mills a plane in the settlement.

She got a razor for the other leg.
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Old Mar 1st 2014, 6:29 am
  #2994  
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Default Re: Some Humour Merged with Cheesy Jokes Thread

Originally Posted by TheArmChairDetective
Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town. After quite a few drinks they end up in a brothel.

The 'Madam' takes one look at the old men and whispers to her manager "Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed, those two are so old and drunk I'm not wasting my girls on them, they won't know the difference!"

The manager does as instructed and the two old men go upstairs to take care of their 'business'.

After the event as they are walking home the first man says, "You know what, I think my girl was dead!" "Dead" says his friend, "Why do you think that?"

"Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her."

His friend replies, "Could be worse, I think mine was a witch!"

"A witch??. . why in the world would you think that?"

"Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck and I gave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out of the window, took my bloody teeth with her!"
love it!
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Old Mar 1st 2014, 11:02 pm
  #2995  
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Default Re: Some Humour Merged with Cheesy Jokes Thread

Margie decided that the only way to have a Sunday afternoon quickie was to put their 8 yr old son out on the balcony with a Popsicle stick.

She told him to report what was going on in the neighborhood.

He began his commentary as his parents sneaked into the bedroom
"There is a car bein towed from the parking lot" he shouted
A few moments passed " an ambulance just drove by"
A few moments later " looks like the Andersons have visitors"
"Matt is riding a new bike"

Another few moments later " The Coopers are having sex"
Startled his parents sat up and his dad cautiously said
"How do you know the Coopers are having sex"
The boy replied
"Because Jimmy Cooper is on his balcony with a Popsicle too"
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Old Mar 11th 2014, 6:51 pm
  #2996  
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Default Re: Some Humour Merged with Cheesy Jokes Thread

One for the ladies, please try not to faint or swoon!
.............................................

I had a flat tyre on the motorway yesterday; so, I pulled over, got out of the car and opened my boot.

I took out my cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so lifelike you wouldn't believe it!!!

Just as I had hoped, cars started slowing down looking at the men which made it much safer for me to work on the side of the road!

People honked and waved, and it wasn't long before a police car pulled up behind me.

He wanted to know what the hell I was doing so I calmly explained that I was changing my flat. He told me he could see that, but demanded to know what the blazes my cardboard men were doing standing at the rear of my car.

I couldn't believe he didn't know....SO I told him......

Well DUH...I explained to the angry Policeman.....

They're my Emergency Flashers!!!!

I go to court in January.

(Damn Police. No sense of humour these days! )
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Old Mar 14th 2014, 7:43 am
  #2997  
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Default Re: Some Humour Merged with Cheesy Jokes Thread

sorry, sorry, don't hate me
Attached Thumbnails Some Humour Merged with Cheesy Jokes Thread-1901484_10151889635286237_418672467_n.jpg  
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Old Mar 15th 2014, 9:54 am
  #2998  
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Default Re: Some Humour Merged with Cheesy Jokes Thread

An Irish man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.

The drunk proceeds into the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher.

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon, he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk shouts, "Yes, oi am."

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him back and asks, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk replies, "No, oi haven't found Jesus!"

The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him again but for a little longer.

He again pulls him out of the water and asks, "Have you found Jesus, me brother?"

The drunk answers, "No, oi haven't found Jesus!"

By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk again -- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when he begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up.

The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water, catches his breath, and says to the preacher,

"Are you sure this is where he fell in"?
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Old Mar 19th 2014, 9:35 pm
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Default Re: Some Humour Merged with Cheesy Jokes Thread

A 6ft 4ins bodybuilder at the Pearly Gates...

'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked. 'Well, I can think of one thing,' the man offered. 'On a trip to the Big Horn Mountains out in Wyoming, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman.

I told them to leave her alone but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, "Now, back off or I'll kick the sh*t out of all of you!"

St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'
'About five minutes ago.'
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Old Mar 22nd 2014, 11:33 pm
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Default Re: Some Humour Merged with Cheesy Jokes Thread

STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% IN AN EXAM - AND HOW HE DID IT
Personally, I would have given him 100%

Q1. In which battle did Nelson die?
* his last battle

Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
* at the bottom of the page

Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?
* liquid

Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?
* marriage

Q5. What is the main reason for failure?
* exams

Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?
* Lunch & dinner

Q7. What looks like half an apple?
* The other half

Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what will it become?
* It will simply become wet

Q9. How can a man go eight days without
sleeping ?
* No problem, he sleeps at night.

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
* You will never find an elephant that has only one hand.

Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ?
* Very large hands

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
* No time at all, the wall is already built.

Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
*Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.
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