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Some Humour Merged with Cheesy Jokes Thread

Some Humour Merged with Cheesy Jokes Thread

Old Nov 27th 2013, 5:12 pm
  #2956  
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Default Re: Some Humour Merged with Cheesy Jokes Thread

Three guys, an Englishman, a Frenchman and an American are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, " says the genie. The American says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in America." With a blink of the genie's eye, 'BOOM' - the land in America was forever made fertile for farming. The Frenchman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around France, so that no one can come into our precious country." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' - there was a huge wall around France. The Englishman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall. The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out." The Englishman says, "Fill it up with water."

A lion in the zoo was lying in the sun licking its rear end when a visitor turned to the zoo keeper and said, "That's a docile old thing isn't it?" "No way," said the zoo keeper, "it's the most ferocious beast in the zoo. Why just an hour ago it dragged a Frenchman into the cage and completely devoured him." "Hardly seems possible" said the astonished visitor, "but why is it lying there licking its rear?" "The poor thing is trying to get the taste out of its mouth."

The only seat available on the train was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged French woman and the seat was being used by her dog. The weary traveler asked, "Ma'am, please move your dog. I need that seat." The French woman looked down her nose at the American, sniffed and said, You Americans. Your are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little FiFi is using that seat?" The American walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there?". I'm very tired." The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant....Imagine!" The American didn't say anything else, he leaned over, picked up the dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her honor and chastise the American. An English man sitting across the aisle spoke up indignantly "You know,sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

A French and American general were surveying a battlefield. A bullet strikes the American general, grazing his arm. He shouts "Aide! Bring me my red jacket!" The French general asks "Why did you do that?" The American general responds "So my men don't see that I'm bleeding, and lose hope." A second bullet narrowly misses the French general's ear, and he shouts: "Aide! Bring me my brown trousers!"

A Frenchman, an American, and a Brit were all busy getting drunk in Saudi Arabia when the cops burst in. They were soon sentenced to death, but through good lawyers, the three men were able to reduce their sentence to life. As luck would have it, it was a Saudi holiday, so the judge said, "Because it's a holiday you will each receive 20 lashes and be let go. It is customary to grant one wish before punishment. The Brit thinks and says, "Strap a pillow on my back." They do, but it only holds for 10 lashes. The Frenchman sees this, and requests two pillows on his back. These only hold for 15 lashes. The judge turns to the American and says "Because you are from such a respectable country, you get 2 wishes." The American replies, "I wish to be flogged 100 times, not 20." The judge thinks this is very honorable and asks "And your second?" The American answers "Strap the Frenchman to my back."
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Old Nov 27th 2013, 5:26 pm
  #2957  
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Default Re: Some Humour Merged with Cheesy Jokes Thread

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Old Dec 4th 2013, 8:11 pm
  #2958  
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Default Re: Some Humour Merged with Cheesy Jokes Thread

A Irishman, Welshman and a Englishman walk into a bar...the Scotsman on the other hand...
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Old Dec 4th 2013, 9:04 pm
  #2959  
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Default Re: Some Humour Merged with Cheesy Jokes Thread

Originally Posted by Bob View Post
A Irishman, Welshman and a Englishman walk into a bar...the Scotsman on the other hand...


The Scottish flying squad will be investigating you for that humour
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Old Dec 7th 2013, 9:40 am
  #2960  
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Default Re: Some Humour Merged with Cheesy Jokes Thread

Originally Posted by Bob View Post
A Irishman, Welshman and a Englishman walk into a bar...the Scotsman on the other hand...
..owned the bar?
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Old Dec 7th 2013, 5:53 pm
  #2961  
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Default Re: Some Humour Merged with Cheesy Jokes Thread

Originally Posted by MacScot View Post
..owned the bar?
If he did, he probably drunk all the profits!
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Old Dec 9th 2013, 7:22 pm
  #2962  
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Default Re: Some Humour Merged with Cheesy Jokes Thread

A group of dyslexic South Africans are holding a vigil outside a Cape Town 'Nissan Maindealer'
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Old Dec 9th 2013, 8:03 pm
  #2963  
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Default Re: Some Humour Merged with Cheesy Jokes Thread

Originally Posted by TheArmChairDetective View Post
A group of dyslexic South Africans are holding a vigil outside a Cape Town 'Nissan Maindealer'
Obviously the same Saffers who thought the 1990 World Cup theme, Nessun Dorma, was a camper van....
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Old Dec 9th 2013, 9:13 pm
  #2964  
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Default Re: Some Humour Merged with Cheesy Jokes Thread

A blind man was traveling in his private jet when he detected something was wrong. He made his way to the cockpit and got no response from his pilot. The blind guy then found the radio and started calling the tower. "Help! Help!" The tower came back and asked, "What's the problem?" The blind guy yelled, "Help me! I'm blind... the pilot is dead, and we're flying upside down!" The tower comes back and asked, "How do you know
you're upside down?" "Because the shit is running down my back!
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Old Dec 10th 2013, 6:38 am
  #2965  
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Default Re: Some Humour Merged with Cheesy Jokes Thread

Originally Posted by Bob View Post
A blind man was traveling in his private jet when he detected something was wrong. He made his way to the cockpit and got no response from his pilot. The blind guy then found the radio and started calling the tower. "Help! Help!" The tower came back and asked, "What's the problem?" The blind guy yelled, "Help me! I'm blind... the pilot is dead, and we're flying upside down!" The tower comes back and asked, "How do you know
you're upside down?" "Because the shit is running down my back!
hahahahaha
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Old Dec 11th 2013, 7:16 pm
  #2966  
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Default Re: Some Humour Merged with Cheesy Jokes Thread

After shagging Kylie Minogue yesterday I think there are two things you all need to know:
1. She really is as sexy as hell.
2. The staff at Madame Tussauds are miserable bastards with no sense of humour!!
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Old Dec 12th 2013, 8:42 am
  #2967  
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Old Dec 18th 2013, 3:17 am
  #2968  
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Default Re: Some Humour Merged with Cheesy Jokes Thread

A guy's walking down the boardwalk in Atlantic City and he runs into a hooker. He says, "How much?" She says "Twenty bucks." He says, "All right." They climb down under the boardwalk, and he bangs her. The next night, he runs into the same hooker, they go under the boardwalk, only this time while he's banging her, she blasts two incredible farts. When they get done, he hands her twenty-five dollars. She says, "What's the extra five?" He says, "That's for blowing the sand off my balls."
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Old Dec 20th 2013, 8:40 am
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Jock takes his wife to casualty. Her teeth are missing, her lips and gums are bleeding, her nose is broken, she's got 2 black eyes, one ear is hanging off and big tufts of her hair are missing. The doctor say's 'what has happened to your wife'? Jock replies, 'going through the change.' The doctor say's, 'That doesn't happen when a woman goes through the change', and Jock replied, 'It does when it's in my ****ing coat pocket'.
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Old Dec 21st 2013, 8:48 am
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Default Re: Some Humour Merged with Cheesy Jokes Thread

The Angel on Top of the Tree

When four of Santa's little helpers got sick, the trainee helpers did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her mother was coming to visit which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, who knows where!

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the little helpers had drunk all the cider and hidden the rum. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree. Not a lot of people know this.
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