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Some Humour Merged with Cheesy Jokes Thread

Some Humour Merged with Cheesy Jokes Thread

Old Dec 8th 2010, 10:29 pm
  #2671  
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Default Re: Cheesy Jokes Anyone?

Originally Posted by chartreuse View Post
I don't know, what's white and floats upwards?
A drowning Republican when you take your foot off him?
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Old Dec 9th 2010, 2:01 am
  #2672  
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Default Re: Cheesy Jokes Anyone?

Now I'm sure this one has been done already, but oh well

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and every once In a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag."

"Oh, really? Darn!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me."

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? "You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no", said the little old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the Lambeau Field football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his "Thing" through the fence, I say, '$20 or off it comes'.

"Well, that seems only fair" laughs the cop. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well, you know", "not everybody pays".
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Old Dec 9th 2010, 3:43 am
  #2673  
 
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Default Re: Cheesy Jokes Anyone?

An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger girl at his side. He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a £5,000 ring.

The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only £40,000 the jeweller said. The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, 'by cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'

On Monday morning, the jeweller angrily phoned the old man and said 'There's no money in that account.'

'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about my GREAT WEEKEND!'

I told you.......Not All Seniors Are Senile
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Old Dec 9th 2010, 8:13 am
  #2674  
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Default Re: Cheesy Jokes Anyone?

Originally Posted by CaptainHook View Post
A drowning Republican when you take your foot off him?

nah.......

a confused snowflake.

Boom boom.
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Old Dec 9th 2010, 10:58 am
  #2675  
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Default Re: Cheesy Jokes Anyone?

A man walks into a fish and chip shop and orders the haddock and chips. He walks outside, opens the bag and is convinced his fish isn't cooked. He goes back inside to complain.

"Excuse me, I don't think my fish was cooked properly" says the man.

"How can you be so sure?" asked the woman behind the counter.

"Because it's eaten all my chips."
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Old Dec 9th 2010, 2:57 pm
  #2676  
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Default Re: Cheesy Jokes Anyone?

An Irishman wanting to become a priest went to see the Bishop who said, 'you must answer 3 questions on the Bible.

'1st, who was born in a stable?''Red Rum,' he said.

'2nd, what do you know about Damascus?''It kills 99% of all germs,' he replied.'

3rd, what happened when the disciples went to Mount Olive?''That's easy,' he said. 'Popeye kicked the shit out of them.'
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Old Dec 9th 2010, 5:01 pm
  #2677  
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Default Re: Cheesy Jokes Anyone?

A waiter asked his customer if he want's another bottle of beer.

Waiter: Do you want another bottle of beer sir?
Drunk Customer: Yes....
Waiter: What is your favorite beer to be ordered?
Drunk Customer: An open one.
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Old Dec 16th 2010, 12:25 am
  #2678  
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Default Re: Cheesy Jokes Anyone?

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where. Then, when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
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Old Dec 17th 2010, 11:53 pm
  #2679  
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Default Re: Cheesy Jokes Anyone?

Fred mistakenly gets on a bus full of war veterans, but upon discovering it is going his way, decides to stay on for the ride.
He sits down next to a guy that jerks his head to the left every few seconds, over and over. This really starts to get on Fred's
nerves so he asks him, "What the hell is wrong with you?"
The reply is, "l got this in the war."
Fred finds this pretty annoying so he switches seats.
The next guy he sits by has uncontrollable spastic twitches in his right leg, causing him to kick the seat in front of him, and even kicks Fred a few times.
So Fred asks him, "What the hell is wrong with you?"
Again the answer is, "l got this in the war."
Fred moves.
The next guy poor Fred sits by begins erratically flailing his left hand.
Fred says, "Let me guess, you got that in the war."
His reply was, "No, l got it out of my nose. I can't get it off of my hand."
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Old Dec 18th 2010, 12:28 pm
  #2680  
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southerncomfort is just really nicesoutherncomfort is just really nicesoutherncomfort is just really nicesoutherncomfort is just really nicesoutherncomfort is just really nicesoutherncomfort is just really nicesoutherncomfort is just really nicesoutherncomfort is just really nicesoutherncomfort is just really nicesoutherncomfort is just really nice
Default Re: Cheesy Jokes Anyone?

I read an article in the paper the other day. It was about a group of thieves who went around pickpocketing Dwarfs.And I thought...
How could anyone stoop so low.
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Old Dec 31st 2010, 10:36 pm
  #2681  
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Default Re: Cheesy Jokes Anyone?

A Texas DPS Trooper was patrolling late at night off the main highway.
He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.
He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.
Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine.
He also immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.
Puzzled by this surprising situation, he walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's side window.
The young man lowers his window and mutters, "Uh, yes, Officer"?
The trooper asks: 'What are you doing'?
The young man says: 'Well, Sir, I'm reading a magazine'.
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat, the trooper says: 'And her in the back, what is she doing'?
The young man shrugs: 'Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails'.
Now the trooper is totally confused. A young couple, alone in a car at night, in a lover's lane ... and nothing obscene is happening! The trooper asks: 'What's your age, young man'?
The young man says: 'I'm 22, sir'. The trooper asks: 'And her ... what's her age'?
The young man looks at his watch and replies: 'She'll be 18 in 11 minutes...
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Old Jan 3rd 2011, 9:40 am
  #2682  
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Default Re: Cheesy Jokes Anyone?

What did batman say to robin ?
Spoiler:
Get in the car robin

LOL
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Old Jan 12th 2011, 4:13 am
  #2683  
 
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Default Re: Cheesy Jokes Anyone?

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says:



'I went by your grandma's house today and





I saw her in the hallway buck-naked.





Man, she is one fine looking woman!'





The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word.





His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.


The drunk leans on the table again and says:




'I got it on with your grandma and she is good,




the best I ever had!'




The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad




but the biker still says nothing.




The drunk leans on the table one more time and says,


'I'll tell you something else, boy,


your grandma liked it!'



At this point the biker stands up,


takes the drunk by the shoulders


looks him square in the eyes and says....................





'Grandpa.......... Go home!
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Old Jan 29th 2011, 12:47 am
  #2684  
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Default Re: Cheesy Jokes Anyone?

cheesy classic -

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. The guy knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense." He walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask, "So, how long have you been wearing one?" "Ever since my wife found it in my truck."
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Old Feb 8th 2011, 2:15 am
  #2685  
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Default Re: Cheesy Jokes Anyone?

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower. When the doorbell rings, the wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.' After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?' 'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies. 'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, revealing a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest removed his hand, but changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest apologised 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.' Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Ever heard of Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysili ogogoch? well on a beautiful summer's day, two English tourists were driving through Wales . At the town of, Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysili ogogoch they stopped for lunch, and one of the tourists asked the very blonde waitress, “Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us… Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?”

The girl leaned over and said, “Burrr.... Gurrr.... King.”
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