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Some Humour Merged with Cheesy Jokes Thread

Some Humour Merged with Cheesy Jokes Thread

Old Aug 21st 2010, 2:09 pm
  #2641  
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Default Re: Cheesy Jokes Anyone?

A woman walks into the Liverpool benefits office, trailed by 15 kids...


'WOW,' the social worker exclaims, 'Are they ALL yours?


'Yeah they are all mine,' the flustered mother sighs, having
heard that question a thousand times before. She says, 'Sit down Terry.'
All the children rush to find seats.


'Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to
sign up. I'll need all your children's names.'


'This one's my oldest - he is Terry.'


'OK, and who's next?'


'Well, this one he is Terry, also.'


The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one,
through the oldest four, all boys, all named Terry. Then she is introduced to
the eldest girl, named Terri. 'All right,' says the caseworker.
'I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Terri?'




Their Mother replied, 'Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is
time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Terry!'

An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Terry!' an' they all come
runnin.' An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into
the street, I just yell 'Terry' and all of them stop. It's the
smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Terry.'


The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her
forehead and says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE kid to come,
and not the whole bunch?'


'I call them by their surnames!'
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Old Aug 23rd 2010, 1:52 pm
  #2642  
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Default Re: Cheesy Jokes Anyone?

Top jokes from the Edinburgh fringe.

Top ten best jokes judged at the Edinburgh Festival Fringe

1) Tim Vine - "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again."

2) David Gibson - "I'm currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone."

3) Emo Philips - "I picked up a hitchhiker. You've got to when you hit them."

4) Jack Whitehall - "I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say 'bought', I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid."

5) Gary Delaney - "As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog."

6) John Bishop - "Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day."

7) Bo Burnham - "What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names."

8) Gary Delaney - "Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted."

9) Robert White - "For Vanessa Feltz, life is like a box of chocolates: empty."

10) Gareth Richards - "Wooden spoons are great. You can either use them to prepare food, or, if you can't be bothered with that, just write a number on one and walk into a pub…"
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Old Aug 23rd 2010, 9:22 pm
  #2643  
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Default Re: Cheesy Jokes Anyone?

Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.

The first woman said, “I need to be honest with you, I’m getting a boob job.”

The second woman responded, “Oh, that’s nothing. I’m thinking of having my asshole bleached!”

“Whoa,” replied the first woman. “I just can’t picture your husband as a blonde!”
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Old Aug 28th 2010, 10:27 am
  #2644  
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Default Re: Cheesy Jokes Anyone?

When they had the big Madonna concert in Liverpool there were men at the door taking away digital cameras, camera phones, and recording devices.
They weren't security, that's just what scousers do.
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Old Sep 3rd 2010, 5:52 pm
  #2645  
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Default Re: Cheesy Jokes Anyone?

What's got two legs and bleeds?

Half a cat.

Last edited by Captain Cheesestick; Sep 3rd 2010 at 6:01 pm.
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Old Sep 3rd 2010, 6:00 pm
  #2646  
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Default Re: Cheesy Jokes Anyone?

Originally Posted by Herpes Simplex View Post
What;s got two legs and bleeds?

Half a cat.

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Old Sep 3rd 2010, 6:15 pm
  #2647  
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Default Re: Cheesy Jokes Anyone?

Name three English football teams whose names contain swear words.

Answer:
Spoiler:
Arsenal, Scunthorpe and Manchester F**king United!
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Old Sep 3rd 2010, 6:26 pm
  #2648  
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Default Re: Cheesy Jokes Anyone?

A husband and wife were trying to set up a new password for their computer. Her husband put 'mypenis' and the wife fell on the ground laughing cause it said, "Error. Not long enough."
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Old Sep 6th 2010, 11:03 pm
  #2649  
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Default Re: Cheesy Jokes Anyone?

There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I wanna take my money to the afterlife.

So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him.

Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said Wait just a minute! she had a shoe box with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket.

Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away.

Her friend said, I hope you werent crazy enough to put all that money in the casket.

She said, Yes, I promised. Im a good christian, I cant lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.

You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?

I sure did. I gathered up all the money put it in my account and wrote him a check for it.
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Old Sep 8th 2010, 7:43 am
  #2650  
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Default Re: Cheesy Jokes Anyone?

A couple of my favourites - the first is a joke, the second was for real.


First:
I've already given this this one in the Middle East forum (Scottish version with a nedette).

A chavette is in labour and dials 999 for an ambulance. Here's teh transcipt.

Operator: Are you sure this is an emergency? Do you really need an ambulance?"
Chavette: Yes, my f**kin' waters have broke.
Operator: Sorry, I didn't realise. OK, Where are you ringing from?
Chavette: Where do you f**kin' think? From my fanny to my feet!

Second:
A husband is taking his wife to drop her off at the local bingo hall and they are really pressed for time. On the way the wife wants to stop in at her friend's house to drop off a knitting pattern. The husband tells his wife to remember they're are in a hurry and not to take too long.

About 5 minutes later the wife returns to the car, where her irate husband says "I thought I told you too be quick" The wife says "It's not my fault, she wouldn't stop listening to me !"
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Old Sep 8th 2010, 7:54 pm
  #2651  
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Husband and wife had a tiff.

Wife called up her mum and said, “He fought with me again, I am coming to live with you”.

Mom said, “No, no darling, he must pay for his mistake, I am coming to stay with you.”
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Old Sep 8th 2010, 10:44 pm
  #2652  
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Default Re: Cheesy Jokes Anyone?

Long Joke Alert!

A bloke in Manchester, Dave we'll call him, fancies a pint after work and so proceeds to his local and asks for a pint of Carling
"Can't serve you Carling mate" says the bartender
"Oh....ok, hmm...Fosters then please"
"Sorry, can't serve you Fosters neither"
"Why not???"
"The Blue Meanies!!!...the Blue Meanies will get you!"
"The blue what?"
"The Blue Meanies...terrible they are! they'll get you"
"What can you serve me then...how about a Strongbow?"
"Sorry but I can't serve you any alcohol, the Blu...."

Annoyed, Dave storms out and heads for another pub, he asks for a pint of Carling and the response is that the bartender can't serve him because of the Blue Meanies
"What are these Blue Meanies???"
"Can't tell you mate, all I can say is that if i serve you the Blue Meanies will get you"
"I don't care about the sodding Bl..."
"Sorry mate, can't serve you"

Somewhat dismayed Dave decides that Manchester is a rubbish place, catches a train to Liverpool and walks into the first pub he sees
"Pint of Carling please"
"Sorry mate, can't serve you, the..."
"Yes yes the Blue meanies will get me, I don't care! just get me a pint"
"No can do my friend, see, the Blue Meanies are very dangerous...they'll get you!"
Dave is feeling rather thirsty now and so dropping his standards asks for a pint of Coke
"Sorry mate, can't serve you Coke either, it's the Blue Meanies, you see"

Again Dave storms off, finds another pub, demands a drink and says to hell with the Blue Meanies
"Sorry friend can't serve you...the Blue Meanies will get you"
"Arrrggghhhhhh....can't you get me anything?? water?"
"I'm afraid not! the Blue Meanies will get you!"

He storms out and decides to leave the North of England and instead catches a train down to London. Blisteringly thirsty he walks into a pub and says
"Ok mate...I don't care about the Blue Meanies, just get me a drink"
"Whoah calm down mate!...what do you want a drink of?
"Finally! I knew London was a civilised place...I'll have a Carling please"
"Oh no no no...can't serve you Carling! the Blue Meanies'll get you!"
"grrr...what can you serve me?"
"I can't serve you anything I'm afraid!...the Blue Meanies, The Blue Meanies will get you!"

Exasperated Dave leaves the pub and decides he'll have better luck somewhere other than England, so he catches a plane to Germany walks into a pub and says (in German)
"Hi Sir; can you get me a pint of beer please"
"Oh I'm terribly sorry sir we can't serve you"
"The Blue meanies??"
"Yes, see they're horrible terrible things, and if I serve you they'll get you!"

After leaving, trying a few more pubs only to be thwarted by the Blue Meanies he gives up on Europe and catches a plane to Australia. He finds a pub there and asks for a pint of Fosters
"Sorry mate...can't serve you, the Bl..."
"I DON'T F***ING CARE ABOUT ANY BLUE F***ING MEANIES!!!...I really don't care!!! I just want a drink!!!"
"Aren't you terrified??? The Blue Meanies! they're horrible, and if I serve you they'll definitely get you!!"
"No I'm not scared...I'm just thirsty, pleeaaassse just get me a drink!"
"Are you sure?"
"Yes Yes!!! absolutely sure...just get me a Fosters, I don't care about the Blue Meanies!"
"Well ok, but don't say I didn't warn you!"


The bartender pours Dave a pint of Fosters






The Blue Meanies got him!

(This one works better told vocally and padded out to a length of about 3-4 minutes!)

Last edited by Grega; Sep 8th 2010 at 11:01 pm.
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Old Sep 11th 2010, 1:17 am
  #2653  
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Default Re: Cheesy Jokes Anyone?

LOL. I tell this one, but with Dirty F**king Leeds.


Originally Posted by CaptainHook View Post
Name three English football teams whose names contain swear words.

Answer:
Spoiler:
Arsenal, Scunthorpe and Manchester F**king United!
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Old Sep 19th 2010, 4:38 pm
  #2654  
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Default Offensive jokes

An irishman an american and a scotsman were in a bar having a drink,and the jock said"the best bar I've ever been in was called the Thistle Arms in Glasgow and if you bought a drink, then another, the third drink was on the house".Great said his two new friends.The yank then said "the best bar I've ever been in was called the Red ,White and Blue in New York and you bought a drink then the barman paid for your next drink and you bought your next drink and so on"Even better said the mick "theres a bar in Dublin called the Lucky Clover and there the barman buys your first drink then the next and then your third drink and then your fourth,all of them doubles,then takes you through the back of the bar to get laid"
Thats fantastic said the other two,did that ever happen to you?
"No" said the mick "but it happened to my sister"
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Old Sep 19th 2010, 7:36 pm
  #2655  
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Default Re: Cheesy Jokes Anyone?

Have you noticed its only 'perfect' people who die nowadays,the 'perfect husband died,the 'perfect' couple tragically die in car accident or the 'perfect' daughter is cruelly taken from us.

makes me glad I'm such a [email protected]
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