Bob

A young man was wandering, lost, in a forest when he came upon a small house.
Knocking on the door he was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, gray beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."
"OK," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house. Before dinner the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man as she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything
quiet so the old man wouldn't hear and, near dawn, he crept back to his room, exhausted but happy.
He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the line that was already getting close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

John Speed

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an
important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up toward heaven, he said "Lord, please take pity. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of the year and give up me Irish Whiskey."


Suddenly a parking place appeared.



Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind. I found one."

bethel

A little old lady decides to join the local Hell's Angels chapter, so she rides her bike over and knocks on their door. The big burly biker says, "We do a lot of drinking here, do you drink?" "Oh, I drink like a fish", the little old lady says. "Well," says the biker, "we do a lot of smoking. Do you smoke?" "I smoke like a chimney," she says. The biker takes a look at her bike and he's impressed. "When's the last time you were picked up by the fuzz?" he asks. "Oh," she says, "never been picked up by the fuzz.... been dragged around by the nipples, though."

Confucius

Is Paddy a tall,blonde girl???

John Speed

Subject: Fw: Are You Kathlick?












~~~~~~~~)(~~~~~~~~

Three little boys were concerned
because they couldn't get anyone to play with them.
They decided it was because they had not been baptized
and didn't go to Sunday School.


So they went to the nearest church.





Only the janitor was there.


One little boy said,
"We need to be baptized
because no one will come out and play with us.
Will you baptize us?"
"Sure," said the janitor.




He took them into the bathroom
and dunked their little heads in the toilet bowl,
one at a time.
Then he said, "You are now baptized!".





" When they got outside,
one of them asked,
"What religion do you think we are?"

The oldest one said,

"We're not Kathlick, .....because they pour the water on you."
"We're not Babtis, .....because they dunk all of you in the water."
"We're not Methdiss, ......because they just sprinkle water on you."

The littlest one said,
"Didn't you smell that water!"

They all joined in asking,
"Yeah! What do you think that means?"


"I think it means we're Pisscopailians.














--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bob

The population of this country is 300 million.
160 million are retired.
That leaves 140 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school.
Which leaves 55 million to do the work.
Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government. Leaving 15 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the armed forces Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work. Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city
governments.
And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals. Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me

And there you are,

sitting on your ass,

at your computer, reading jokes.

Nice. Real nice

vinoqueen1

2 flies are on the top of a cereal packet, one is running at full pace up and down the box.
The first fly stops him and asks him what he was doing.....
He replies...... "it says 'tear along the dotted line'.."

Boom boom!

vinoqueen1

A baby polar bear was walking with his dad, he looks up and says.

"Daddy, am I really a polar bear?"

"Yes son, of course you are"

So off the baby polar bear goes and finds his mum,

"Mummy, am I really, really a polar bear?"

"yes of course you are silly, go on and stop bothering me."

So he walks off and finds his gran.

"Granny, am I really a polar bear, 100%??"

"Yes love"

"Really, really a polar bear?" he asks

"yes of course you are, why are you asking?"

"Coz i'm fu**ing freezing!!!!!"

TruBrit

Dear Abby:

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me
from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's
worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.
Also, since he lost his job six years ago, he hasn't
even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and bullshit with his buddies while I have to work to pay the bills.
Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do?
Signed: Clueless


Dear Clueless:

Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman. You don't need him anymore!
You're a United States Senator from New York running for President of the United States . Act like one!

flashman

On a train from London to Manchester, an American was telling off the
Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment. "You English
are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. Look at me... I
have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood, and some
Swedish blood. What do you say to that?"
The Englishman replied, with a smile, "Very sporting of your Mother."

John Speed

No comment!

flashman

A blonde and a brunette are walking down the street and pass a
flower shop where the brunette happens to see her boyfriend buying
flowers. She sighs and says, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me
flowers again for no reason."

The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "What's the big deal,
don't you like getting flowers? " The brunette says, "Oh sure, but
he always has expectations after getting me flowers, and I just
don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs
in the air."

The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"

John Speed

No comments

CaliforniaBride

My mate parked in a disabled space the other day. As he walked away from the car a traffic warden stopped him and asked him, "So what's your disability, then?"

He turns around and shouts, "Tourettes, you *****, know f^ck off!"

Deadmeat

Aide to George Bush : 'Sir, 3 Brazilian soldiers have been killed in Iraq today"
George Bush looks agast : 'My God, how many is a Brazilian?'

------------------------

Just substitute any small country full of oil and brown people in for 'Iraq' and the joke stays topical, bonus.