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-   -   Some Humour Merged with Cheesy Jokes Thread (https://britishexpats.com/forum/take-outside-67/some-humour-merged-cheesy-jokes-thread-737915/)

Pootle Dec 1st 2005 9:10 am

Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?
 

Originally Posted by NJ_Dave
"Maybe if I don't say anything, they won't notice"

Excellent!! :D :D

flashman Dec 1st 2005 1:56 pm

Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?
 
Question : What's the difference between a street vendor and a dachshund?


Answer : A street vendor bawls his wares out in the road while a dachshund tada tada tada tada!

syllk Dec 1st 2005 11:18 pm

Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?
 
A guy walks into a store and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks if she can help him find anything. He replies that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife, so the girl directs him to the correct aisle.

A few moments later the man returns and drops a bag of cotton balls and a ball of string onto the counter. Confused, the girl asks "Sir, I thought you were looking for tampons for your wife?"

"You see, it's like this." he replies. "Yesterday my wife went to the store, and I asked her to bring me back a pack of cigarettes, but she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers instead, because 'it's so much cheaper!' So, I figure if I have to roll my own..."

NJ_Dave Dec 2nd 2005 8:58 pm

Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?
 
A Dinner Conversation

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUBBIE: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
HUBBIE: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUBBIE: "Okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)."
HUBBIE: (makes audible groan).

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUBBIE: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUBBIE: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUBBIE: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: - - silence - -
HUBBIE: "Shit!"

COWBOY_BUILDER Dec 5th 2005 8:57 am

Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?
 
An English journalist was in Wales doing stories where he saw Taffy the farmer 'with' a sheep.
He approached Taffy and firstly asked, "What sort of sheep is that?"
He scribbled down Taffy's reply - "a Merino".
The next question was, "Do you shear them?"
Taffy replied hastily, "No! Go and find yer own!"

Elsie The Maid Dec 7th 2005 6:14 pm

Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?
 
Man says to wife 'I had a wet dream about you last night, I dreamt you got run over by a bus and I pissed myself laughing.

A woman asked her hubby if he knew how she could make her bust bigger. He said try rubbing toilet paper between you tits, it's worked for your arse.

Woman walks past a pet shop with a sign reading 'For sale clitoris licking Frog' She goes in and the shopkeeper say's 'Bonjour madame'.

Little girl gets lost in Tesco's, security guard asks her 'what's your mum like?' Little girl replies 'Big cocks and vodka.

A couple in a cafe in Llangollen asks 'Can you settle an argument for us and pronounce where we are, VERY slowly?' The waitress leaned over nd said ........ 'Burrr gurrr king'.

Sorry I haven't been in touch, a friend was rushed to hospital to have a dangerous mole removed from his penis...... he won't be shagging one of those again!

Tampax have replaced the string on their tampons with a piece of tinsel. They say it's only for the Christmas period.

Gideon Dec 9th 2005 2:11 pm

Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?
 
This site is brilliant :D
http://www.peterneill.be/



(Excerpt from site)
This incident dates back to 1998 when I was an employee of a very large IT company on the North Side of Dublin. My position there was as a junior member of the IT support team. A team supporting 650 users.
One day one of the other guys on the team asked me to head down to one of the Server Rooms and shutdown a particular server. It was a none critical server, so there was no issue with doing this, at least not yet...
A brief amble later I arrived at my final destination, and entered the server room. It seemed more like a scene from a NASA film with huge fans and blinking lights everywhere. The Server I was to shutdown was called "Dub06". It was connected along with 5 other servers to a single Keyboard, Mouse and monitor via a switch box. I selected the corresponding button on the switch box to give me control over "Dub06". All fine there. I then told the computer to shutdown and after about two minutes I got the message saying "It is now safe to switch of your computer".
Grand I thought, I reached over to the left to the front panel of "Dub06" and hit the power button. As I pressed the power button in I had a moment of horror, this machine was not "Dub06", it was in fact "Dub01". This was not good, "Dub01" was the server that housed all the files those 600 people were working on and I was about to turn this off in the middle of what they were doing!.

Those of you in the know will remember that in the late nineties the power switch on a computer did not turn it off until after you released your finger from the button, ie. When it clicked back out after you pressing it in.

Thankfully I realised before I let go of the button that if I continued to hold the button in the machine would not turn off. At this point I breathed a little sight of relief, albeit too soon, as I thought "All I need to do now is call the IT department and tell them to get everyone to close what they are working on, thus allowing me to restart this machine safely.
I looked to my right, to where I expected to find a phone. All I found instead was a phone minus a handset, and no speaker phone option. "Grand" I thought, "I'll just use my mobile". Wrong again, I took out my mobile and because the server room was located in the basement, no signal whatsoever!!
I now started to panic. I was standing in a server room, unable to move with my finger and arm starting to ache while holding this button down. There was no one else with me, and unlikely to be anyone else coming and if I let my finger off the button I loose my job.
In my desperation I looked around for options and then like a vision of an angel I saw a phone sitting on a tall stool behind me, about 10 feet away from me. Out of reach.

I now felt like crying, but shortly after a cunning plan entered my head. I proceeded to take my right shoe off and aimed it at the bottom off the stool, in the hope that it would cause the stool to fall toward me. A delicate operation considering I was still holding the button down with my left hand. Sadly I missed. I took off my second shoe, took careful aim and A HIT!!. But it wobbled and failed to fall, the phone hanging over the edge as if to tease me.
Finally as my panic worsened, I realised I had now only one chance, my trousers. I dare any of you to remove your trousers with one hand while out stretching the other arm to a fixed point from which it cannot move or your in serious trouble. Not easy!!
After a few minutes careful fumbling I am holding one leg of my trousers in my hand, standing in the server room holding a button in for dear life itself, trouserless, shoeless, shameless and exposing my boxers to my surroundings. A nice combination.
My button pressing arm was now in total agony, lactic acid and all that good stuff. I started to swing my trousers at the stool in the hope of catching the stool/phone and bringing it toward me.
After about 20 total misses a very very near miss where I almost knocked the phone away from me I managed to catch the phone and tug it forward crashing to the floor toward me. Thank the Lord!!
I now managed to reach to the phone with my toes and slide it toward me. Once it got within range I picked it up, and found it had survived the crash to the floor! I dialed the IT dept and after about 15 minutes the IT dept got everyone to close their files. I was safe!!
However all did not end there. I asked the person on the phone not to send anyone down to me for reasons I would explain to her later. Big mistake! I had an audience of about 40 people in those last 15 minutes. The sight of me standing there semi nude with the server made a few people wonder about strange fetishes. Laughs were had, concerns for my mental health were highlighted, insults were made and my self respect was decimated. Score!

ironporer Dec 9th 2005 2:14 pm

Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?
 
A Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin and, truth be told, he is none too experienced either. On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses.

He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring: "My darring" he says, "I know dis you firs time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting... just anyting you want, you say. Whatchou want?" he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress his virgin bride.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I want... numba 69!"

More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries... "You want... Beef wif Broccori?

Gideon Dec 9th 2005 4:25 pm

Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?
 
Three drunks turn up at the pearly gates on Christmas eve. St Peter tells them, look as its Christmas Eve, if you can each give me something that relates to christmas, I'll let you in.

The first drunk pulls out a durex, and says "Its the balloons you decorate your house with" St Peter reluctantly lets him in.

The second drunk pulls out a set of keys shaking them he says they're the bells at christmas. St Paul lets him through,

The third drunk rummages through his pockets and finds a G string.

St Peter looks dubiously at this and says well, what do they denote?

The thirds drunk replies " well they're Carol's................"

pwwm Dec 9th 2005 4:38 pm

Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?
 
Chav Nativity
>
>
>
>There's this bird called Mary, yeah? She's a virgin (wossat then?).
>She's not married or nuffink, but she's got this boyfriend, Joe, innit?
>He does joinery an' that. Mary lives with him in a crib dahn Nazaref.
>One day Mary meets this bloke Gabriel. She's like "Oo ya lookin at?"
>Gabriel just goes "You got one up the duff, you have." Mary's totally
>gobsmacked. She gives it to him large "Stop dissin' me yeah? I ain't no
>Kappa-slapper. I never bin wiv no one!"
>So Mary goes and sees her cousin Liz, who's six months gone herself. Liz
>is largin' it. She's filled with spirits, Barcardi Breezers an' that.
>She's like "Orright, Mary, I can feel me bay-bee in me tummy and I
>reckon I'm well blessed. Think of all the extra weez gonna get on the
>social an' that." Mary goes "Yeah, s'pose you're right"
>Mary an' Joe ain't got no money so they have to ponce a donkey, an' go
>dahn Bethlehem on that. They get to this pub an' Mary wants to stop,
>yeah? To have her bay-bee an' that. But there ain't no room at the inn,
>innit? So Mary an' Joe break an' enter into this garridge, only it's
>filled wiv animals. Caahs an' sheep an' that. Then these three geezers
>turn up, looking proper bling, wiv crowns on their 'eads. They're like
>"Respect, bay-bee Jesus", an' say they're wise men from the East End.
>Joe goes: "If you're so wise, wotchoo doin' wiv this Frankenstein an'
>myrrh? Why dincha just bring gold, Adidas and Burberry?"
>It's all about to kick off when Gabriel turns up again an' sez he's got
>another message from this Lord geezer. He's like "The police is comin
>an' they're killin' all the bay-bees. You better nash off to Egypt." Joe
>goes "You must be monged if you think I'm goin' dahn Egypt on a minging
>donkey" Gabriel sez "Suit yerself, pal. But it's your look out if you
>stay."
>So they go dahn Egypt till they've stopped killin' the first-born an'
>it's safe an' that. Then Joe and Mary and Jesus go back to Nazaref, an'
>Jesus turns water into Stella.
>
>
>

pwwm Dec 9th 2005 4:40 pm

Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?
 
Paddy, the famous Irishman is driving home after downing a few at the Local
pub.
He turns a corner and much to his horror he sees a tree in the middle of the
road. He swerves to avoid it and almost too late realizes that there is
yet another tree directly in his path.
He swerves again and discovers that his drive home has turned into a Slalom
course, causing him to veer from side to side to avoid all the trees.
Moments later he hears the sound of a police siren and brings his car to a
stop.
The officer approaches Paddy's car and asks him what on earth he was doing.
Paddy tells his story of the trees in the road when the officer stops Him
mid sentence and says .
''Fer Christs sake Paddy, thats your air freshener!''

pwwm Dec 9th 2005 6:13 pm

Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?
 
You may have heard some of these....but still worth a read!






Subject: FW: flight announcements (these are lovely) :rolleyes:





Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the, "In-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

1. From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."

2. Pilot... "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

3. After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.

4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

5. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

6. From a Southwest Airlines employee... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.

In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.

7. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money more, than Southwest Airlines."

8. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

9. "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."


10. "Last one off the plane must clean it."

11. From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!

12. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the Captain had really fought to get the plane down. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

13. Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

14. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline."

He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I as you a question?"

"Why no, Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?"

The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

15. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. Once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.

16. Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today and the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."

flashman Dec 10th 2005 2:01 am

Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?
 
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in he glanced up
and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized that
she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took
the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out "Business trip or
pleasure?" She turned, smiled and said, "Business, I'm going to the Annual
Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Chicago ."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business
role at the convention?"

"Lecture," she responded. "I am the lead lecturer where I use information
that I have learned from my own personal experiences to debunk some of the
popular myths about sexuality."

"Really," he said, "and what kinds of myths are there?"

"Well, she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the
most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian
who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that
Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent
that are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with the absolutely
best stamina is the Southern Redneck.."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry,"
she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all this with you, since I don't
even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

Been There Done That Dec 10th 2005 2:41 am

Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?
 
A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery was staring
at a portrait that had them completely confused. The photograph depicted
three very black, totally naked men sitting on a bench. Two of the
figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble
interpreting the photograph and offered his assessment. He went on for
nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of
African-Americans in a predominantly white, patriarchal society. "In
fact," he pointed out, "some serious art critics believe that the pink
penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced
by gay men in contemporary society."

After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said,
"Would you like to know what the photograph is really about?"

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the
gallery?", asked the couple.

"Because I'm the guy who shot the photograph", he replied. "In fact,
there are no African-Americans depicted at all. They're just three Irish
coal-miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."

flashman Dec 10th 2005 12:27 pm

Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?
 
Newfoundland's Worst Air Disaster occurred today when a small two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Newfoundland.

Newfie search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.


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