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-   -   Some Humour Merged with Cheesy Jokes Thread (https://britishexpats.com/forum/take-outside-67/some-humour-merged-cheesy-jokes-thread-737915/)

Bob Sep 13th 2004 2:32 pm

Some Humour Merged with Cheesy Jokes Thread
 
No offence people, but sometimes cheesy jokes are fun, so lets hear some :)

================================================== ==

An Irishman with a bad leg hobbled into a restaurant one afternoon. He painfully sat down at a booth and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Irishman looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus over there?" The waitress nodded so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee too.

The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth and asked the waitress for a glass of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked "Is that Jesus over there?". The waitress nodded so the Englishman said to give Jesus a cup of hot tea too.

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Hillbilly from Kentucky. He swaggered over to a booth, sat down and hollered "Hey there sweet thing, hows about getting me a cold glass of Coke!". He too looked across the restaurant and asked "Is that God's boy over there?" The waitress nodded so the Hillbilly said to give Jesus a cold glass of Coke too.

As Jesus got up to leave He passed by the Irishman and touched him and said "For your kindness, you are healed." The Irishman felt the strength come back into his leg and got up and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The English man felt his back straightening up and he raised up his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out the door.

Then Jesus walked towards the Hillbilly. The Hillbilly jumps up and yells, "Hey man don't touch me ...... I'm drawing disability!"



---------------------------------------------------------------------------

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

Siren & Brian Sep 14th 2004 8:09 am

Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?
 
Q. What's red and orange and lies in the grass?

A. A wounded Cheesy


*groan* You SAID you wanted cheesy jokes! One more...


Q. How do you catch a squirrel?

A. Climb a tree and act like a nut


Siren
Now is that don't deserve karma...nothing does LOL

COWBOY_BUILDER Sep 14th 2004 8:49 am

Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?
 
A contestant on stars in your eyes came on in a Wheel chair .
Matthew Kelly asscertained that his name was" Simon ",
Now tell me Simon ,why do you have to use the chair asked Matthew.
"Well" said Simon "I was taking a car journey with my uncle David when we were hit by a lorry ,the car was knocked of the road and i was trapped by my legs ,unfortunately my uncle died "
"Thats terrible "said Matthew "So did you loose the use of your legs".
"They had to be amputated" said Simon "but my uncle's legs were undamaged ,so they used his legs to stich onto my body".
"WOW thats marvelous "exclaimed Matthew "and can you use the legs now ? ".
"Well not at the moment ,but after another six more months of therapy i will be able to walk again "
Matthew beamed at the audience and invited them to give Simon a round of applause for his bravery..... then he asked Simon ,
"Now tell us ,WHO ARE YOU GOING TO IMPERSONATE TONIGHT ? ".
and Simon replied "TONIGHT MATTHEW IM GOING TO BE
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
.........SIMON AND HALF UNCLE ".. :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes:

cresta57 Sep 14th 2004 12:36 pm

Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?
 
Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing
this....

Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney.
The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is
called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are
married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant
answers"yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal
questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name of their
partner (with phone number) for verification. If their partner
answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the
prize.

One particular game, however, several months ago made the city of
Sydney drop to its knees with laughter. Anyway, here's how it all
went down:

DJ: "Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"
Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."
DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast
if you win. What is your name? First only please."
Contestant: "Dave."
DJ: "Dave, are you married or what?"
Dave: "Yes."
DJ: "Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're what?"
Dave: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."
DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."
Dave: "Sarah."
DJ: "Is Sarah at work, Dave?"
Dave: "She is gonna kill me."
DJ: "Stay with me here, Dave! Is she at work?"
Dave: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."
DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"
Dave: "She is gonna kill me."
DJ: "Dave! Stay with me here!"
Dave: "About 8 o'clock this morning."
DJ: "Atta boy, Dave."
Dave: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."
DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"
Dave: "About 10 minutes."
DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would never have
said that if a trip wasn't at stake."
Dave: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice.
DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this
morning?"
Dave: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."
DJ: "This sounds good, Dave. Where was it at?"
Dave: "Not that it was all that great, but her mom is staying with us
for a couple of weeks..."
DJ: "Uh huh..."
Dave: "... and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."
DJ: "Atta boy, Dave."
Dave: "On the kitchen table."
DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous
hundred Times I've done it.
Okay folks, I will put Dave on hold, get this wife's work number and
call her up. You listen to this."
3 minutes of commercials follow.
DJ: "Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?" (Touch tones.....
ringing....)
Clerk: "Kinkos."
DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"
Clerk: "Speaking."
DJ: "Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now
and I've been talking with Dave for a couple of hours now."
Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"
DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Dave knows not to
give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the
rules of' 'Mate Match'?"
Sarah: "No."
DJ: "Good!"
Dave: (laughing)
Sarah: (laughing) "Dave, what the hell are you up to?"
Dave (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be
completely honest."
DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If
your answers match Dave's answers, then the both of you will be off
to
the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.
Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"
Sarah: "Oh God, Dave.... uh, this morning before Dave went to work."
DJ: "What time?"
Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."
DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"
Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."
DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect
his manhood. We've got one last question,
Sarah. You are one question away
from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?"
Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "Where did you have it?"
Sarah: "OH MY GOD, DAVE!! You didn't tell them that did you?"
Dave: "Just tell him, honey.
DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"
Sarah: "Well..."
DJ: Come on Sarah..... Where did you have it?


Sarah: "Up the arse....."
After a long pause, the DJ said,
"Folks, we need to take a station break".

Bob Sep 14th 2004 7:33 pm

Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?
 

Originally Posted by cresta57
Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing
this....
.

That's great...so did they get the holiday? :)

Bob Sep 14th 2004 7:38 pm

Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?
 
Found this, pretty bad, but I liked it :)

One day, a boy told by a classmate that most adults have secrets, and an easy way to get money from them is to say "I know the whole truth", even if that's not the case. He decised to try the scheme at home and says to his mother, "I know the whole truth"
She quickly hands him $20 and says "not a word of this to your father"
Pleased, the boy waits on the front steps for his father and greets him with "I know the whole truth"
His father peels off two 20s and says "Just don't tell your mother"
Next day, the boy tries his luck with the postman, "I know the whole truth" he says as the letter carrier approaches the porch.
The mailman drops to his knees, opens his arms and says.......wait for it...
"Then come and give daddy a big hug". :)

cuckoofrommars Sep 14th 2004 8:20 pm

Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?
 
My wife's favorite joke of all time....

Why don't cows eat round hay bails?

Because then they wouldn't eat three square meals a day.


Boom boom. http://users.pandora.be/eforum/emoti...cene/eck13.gif

Bob Sep 14th 2004 8:30 pm

Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?
 

Originally Posted by cuckoofrommars
My wife's favorite joke of all time....

Yup, that's cream cheese : )

Bob Sep 16th 2004 12:12 am

Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?
 
Here's another golden oldie :)

There are several men in the locker room of a private club after exercising.

Suddenly a cell phone that was on one of the benches rings.

A man picks it up and the following conversation ensues:

- "Hello?"

- "Honey, It's me."

- "Sugar!"

- "Are you at the club?"

- "Yes."

- "Great! I am at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw a beautiful mink coat...It is absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"

- "What's the price?"

- "Only $1,500.00"

- "Well, OK, go ahead and get, if you like it that much..."

- "Ahhh and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."

- "What price did he quote you?"

- "Only $60,000..."

- "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

- "Great!, before we hang up, something else..."

- "What?"

- "It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and...I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year ... it's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property..."

- "How much are they asking?"

- "Only $450,000... a magnificent price, and I see that we have that much in the check book to cover..."

- "Well, than go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?"

- "OK, sweetie... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"

- "Bye... I do too..."

The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present:

- "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

cresta57 Sep 16th 2004 4:24 am

Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?
 
Some here for Manc ;)

A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the
counter and said "Hi, I'm looking for a job".
The man behind the counter replied "Your timing is amazing. We've just got
one in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young
ladies on their overseas holidays. The Salary package is £200,000 a year".
The Scouser said "You're bullshitting me!"

The man behind the counter said "Well you started it!"

-------------------------------

If you see a Scouser on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit
him?
It might be your bicycle

-------------------------------

Why does the River Mersey run through Liverpool?
Because if it walked it would be mugged

-------------------------------

What do you call a Scouser in a three-bed semi?
A Burglar

-------------------------------

What do you call a Scouser in a tie?
The Accused


-------------------------------

What's the difference between a Scouser and a coconut?
One's thick and hairy, and the other's a coconut.

-------------------------------

What do you say to a scouser in a uniform?
Big Mac and fries please

-------------------------------

What's the first question at a Liverpool pub quiz night?
What you looking at?

-------------------------------

What do you call a scouser in a White Shellsuit?
The Bride

If your from Liverpool and your offended, tough get a life :rolleyes:

Tone Sep 16th 2004 5:01 pm

Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?
 
DARTH VADER:
Luke, I know what you have for Christmas...

LUKE:
NO, Father!

DARTH VADER:
Luke, I know what you have for Christmas....


LUKE:
NO, Father......how could you know?







DARTH VADER:
I have felt your presents!

Brit'n'TX Sep 16th 2004 7:00 pm

Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?
 

Originally Posted by Siren

Siren
Now is that don't deserve karma...nothing does LOL

then nothing does ...

:D

Bob Sep 16th 2004 7:42 pm

Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?
 

Originally Posted by Brit'n'TX
then nothing does ...

:D

You must have somin' pretty cheesy to add to the list? :)

Bob Sep 16th 2004 9:35 pm

Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?
 
Pretty bad, but hey...

A man walked into a bar. There, he saw a beautiful, smartly dressed woman perched on a bar stool. Approaching her he said, "Hello there gorgeous. How are you?"
Having already had a few power drinks, she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said, "Listen! I'll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, front door, back door, it
doesn't matter. I've been doing it since I got out of college. I just flat ass love it."
Eyes wide with interest, he said, "No kidding? I'm a lawyer too! What firm are you with?"

cresta57 Sep 17th 2004 2:54 am

Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?
 

Originally Posted by Bob
That's great...so did they get the holiday? :)

Dunno didn't hear the end result due to the laughter in the cabin :D :D

Bob Sep 17th 2004 3:26 am

Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?
 

Originally Posted by cresta57
Dunno didn't hear the end result due to the laughter in the cabin :D :D

Hehe...yeah, can imagine :) must have caused a few car accidents *l*

cresta57 Sep 17th 2004 7:53 am

Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?
 
A sandwich walks into a pub and the barman says..........
"Sorry but we don't serve food"
Deb :confused:

cresta57 Sep 17th 2004 7:58 am

Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?
 
The worst air disaster occurred earlier today in Ireland when a Cessna 152, a small two-seater plane, crashed into a local cemetery here early this morning. Paddy and Murphy,working as search and rescue workers, have recovered 826 bodies so far, and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

COWBOY_BUILDER Sep 17th 2004 10:07 am

Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?
 
The lead Singer with the band "The Flying Pickets " was found dead today
The Police think it was food poisoning,
When asked "did they know what the food was "
A Police spokesman replied "Bad Ham ,Bad Ham....." :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :D

Bob Sep 17th 2004 4:18 pm

Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?
 

Originally Posted by cresta57
The worst air disaster occurred earlier today in Ireland when a Cessna 152, a small two-seater plane, crashed into a local cemetery here early this morning. Paddy and Murphy,working as search and rescue workers, have recovered 826 bodies so far, and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

That's a classic cheesy joke :)

Deadmeat Sep 19th 2004 7:38 pm

Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?
 
Horse walks into a bar and orders a pint.

Barman asks "Why the long face?"

Bob Sep 20th 2004 5:49 am

Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?
 
Really bad joke, but hey, someone might find it funny :)

Mr Honda, of the Honda Motor Corporation, died and went to heaven for judgement. At the gates, St. Peter told Mr Honda, "since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."
Mr Honda thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God. I have a question for Him".
St. Peter took Mr Honda to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.
He then asked God, "Aren't you the inventor of women?"
God Said, "Ah, yes. Indeed I am".
"Well," said Mr Honda, "Professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your design."
1- There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
2- It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3- Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4- The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.
5- Plus the monthly down time and aggravation are outrageous, and don't even get me started talking about the maintenance costs.
"Hmmmm, you do raise some good points" replied God, "Lets have a wee look."
God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few things and waited for the results. After a moment God said, "Well, it may be true that my invention seems to be flawed, but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours.."

gedge Sep 20th 2004 6:12 am

Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?
 
Two fish in a tank.
One says to the other...


how do you drive this bloody thing?

http://www.globalsecurity.org/milita.../m1a1-tank.jpg

gedge Sep 20th 2004 6:21 am

Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?
 
A polar bear walks in to a pub, shambles up to the bar and asks for a pint of Guinness.
Nonplussed, (as this is the same bar that the emu, monkey and dog have been in to) the bar man serves the polar bear his pint.
"That'll be £3.50."

The polar bear pays him and sits in the corner to drink his pint.
A while later he goes up for a second.
The bar man attepts to make small talk.

"We don't get many polar bears in ere ya know."

Polar bear replies...
"At these prices I not ****ing surprised!"

gedge Sep 20th 2004 6:29 am

Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?
 
2 sausages and a fried egg sit sizzling in a frying pan.
The egg turns to the sausages and says
"Hey guys, getting hot in here isn't it?"

1 sausage turns to the other and says...
"Bloody hell. A talking egg!"

gedge Sep 20th 2004 6:52 am

Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?
 
Stop me if you've heard these before...

Paddy and Seamus stand on top of a cliff.
Paddy has a budgie tied to his ankles.
Paddy jumps off and free falls down the cliff.
Paddy hits the bottom and breaks his neck.
Paddy shouts up to Seamus
"Don't try the budgiejumping Seamus, it's no good."

Seamus is holding a parrot and a shotgun.
Seamus jumps off with the parrot.
Seamus shoots the parrot whilst falling.
Seamus falls to the bottom beside Paddy, with broken legs.
Seamus says to Paddy...
"The parrotshooting's no goods either."

cresta57 Sep 20th 2004 11:13 am

Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?
 
Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood
late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they
are.

The first mouse pounds a shot of scotch, slams the glass onto
the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a
mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When
the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty
times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."

The second mouse orders up two shots of sour mash, pounds
them both, slams each glass into the bar, turns to the first mouse,
and replies: "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much
as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my
coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of
the day."

The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third
mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to
the first two, "I don't have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home
and screw the cat."

Siren & Brian Sep 20th 2004 12:36 pm

Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?
 
What do you call a beak-less woodpecker?

A headbanger.


*Buh dum bum *CHING*

Kendonakasaki Sep 20th 2004 2:00 pm

Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?
 

Originally Posted by Bob
That's great...so did they get the holiday? :)

They did indeed get the holiday.

Deadmeat Sep 20th 2004 2:58 pm

Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?
 
Talking of hols, what do you call a terrorist that's just come back from Ibiza?

All summer been largin'

Bob Sep 20th 2004 4:57 pm

Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?
 

Originally Posted by JulesandChris
Polar bear replies...
"At these prices I not ****ing surprised!"

That's a good 'ne too :)

Bob Sep 20th 2004 4:59 pm

Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?
 

Originally Posted by Kendonakasaki
They did indeed get the holiday.

Tha's awesome :)

DIMO8 Sep 20th 2004 5:36 pm

Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?
 
Two women are walking home after a night out with the girls. They are very drunk and as the walk home taking longer then expected, find themselves desperate for a wee.
As they are passing a church with a graveyard, they decide to go and relieve themselves behind the headstones. As they finish, they both realise they have nothing to wipe themselves with.
The first women decides to use her knickers and throw them away afterwards, which is what she does. The second is wearing expensive underwear and doesn't want to lose it, but notices a grave behind her that is very recent and still has flowers all over it. One of these is a very lavish bunch tied together with thick expensive ribbon. ' just the job' she decides, and reaches over, drags the flowers towards her, and uses the ribbon.
Thier task continued they continue to stagger home.
Next morning, the husband of the first woman phones the husband of the second. " We need to keep an eye on our wives. Mine came home with no knickers on last night!"
" You think you have got problems!" exclaimed the second husband. " My wife came home with a card stuck up her arse that said ' We'll never forget you- from all the lads in the fire station'!" :p

DIMO8 Sep 20th 2004 5:50 pm

Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?
 
THE FEMINISTS ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS ONE...........

There are three blonde men stranded on an island. Suddenly a fairy appears and offers to grant each of them just one wish.

The first blonde asked to be intelligent. Instantly, he is turned into a brown haired man and swims off the island.

The next one asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one, so instantly he is turned into a black haired man. The black haired man builds a boat and sails off the island.

The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two.

The fairy turns him into a woman..........and she walks off across the bridge.

LOL LOL :p

Bob Sep 20th 2004 9:30 pm

Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?
 

Originally Posted by DIMO8
" You think you have got problems!" exclaimed the second husband. " My wife came home with a card stuck up her arse that said ' We'll never forget you- from all the lads in the fire station'!" :p

Superb :)

Bob Sep 21st 2004 6:53 am

Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?
 
One day a teacher had a taste test with her students.
She picked a little boy to do the first test.
She blindfolded him, put a Hershey kiss in his mouth and asked, "Do you know what it is?"
"No, I don't," said the little boy.
"Okay, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your daddy wants from your Mom before he goes to work.
Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled, "Spit it out! It's a piece of ass!"

gedge Sep 21st 2004 10:31 pm

Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?
 
Little Jimmy is sitting at school, and his teacher is asking the children to make sentances using a word she gives to them.
Teach - "Jimmy. Give me a sentence using the word contagious".
Jimmy - "Errr, ummm ...
our next door neighbour is painting his fence. My dad said that he should use a bigger brush, cos otherwise it would take the old cuntages"

Bob Sep 21st 2004 10:44 pm

Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?
 
A woman went into a pet shop to buy her husband a pet. After looking around she realized that all the pets there were very expensive. She went to the counter and questioned the clerk.
"I wanted to buy my husband a pet, but all of yours are so expensive",she said.
"Well,"said the clerk, "I have a huge bullfrog in the back for $50.00. Would you like to see it?"
"$50.00?? For a Frog??" asked the woman.
The clerk said, "It's a special frog. It gives blow jobs." Well, the woman did not particularly enjoy giving head, so, she thought his was a heck of a deal. She'd get her husband a gift he'd surely enjoy, and she'd never have to do that again. The woman decided to buy the frog. She took it home to her husband and explained the strange gift. Of course, her husband was a bit skeptical, but said for sure he'd try it out that night. The woman went to bed that night relieved knowing she'd never have to give another blow
job. About two in the morning, she woke up to hear pots and pans banging around in the kitchen. She got up to go see what was going on. When she got to the kitchen she saw her husband and the frog, sitting at the kitchen table like best buddies, looking through cookbooks.
"What are you two doing looking through cookbooks at this hour?" asked the woman.
The husband looks up at her and says, "Well, if I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is outta here."

Bob Sep 23rd 2004 5:59 am

Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?
 
Gertrude, Maude and Tilly were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park.
The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them, and opened his trench coat.
Gertrude immediately had a stroke.
Then Maude also had a stroke.
But Tilly, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that Far!

Bob Sep 23rd 2004 5:59 am

Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?
 
Deep Thoughts............

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If the police arrest a mime, does he still have the right to remain silent?

Do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

If a pit bull humps your leg you’d better fake an orgasm.

Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you’re a twat.

Live every day as if it were your last. Eventually you’ll be right.

The easiest way to find something that’s lost is to buy a replacement.

How come when you open a can of evaporated milk it’s still there?

Why is there only one Monopolies commission?

If a thing is worth doing, it would have been done already.

Guns don't kill people - Husbands who come home early kill people.

Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?

Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?


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