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-   -   Some Humour Merged with Cheesy Jokes Thread (https://britishexpats.com/forum/take-outside-67/some-humour-merged-cheesy-jokes-thread-737915/)

Bob Sep 13th 2004 2:32 pm

Some Humour Merged with Cheesy Jokes Thread
 
No offence people, but sometimes cheesy jokes are fun, so lets hear some :)

================================================== ==

An Irishman with a bad leg hobbled into a restaurant one afternoon. He painfully sat down at a booth and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Irishman looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus over there?" The waitress nodded so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee too.

The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth and asked the waitress for a glass of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked "Is that Jesus over there?". The waitress nodded so the Englishman said to give Jesus a cup of hot tea too.

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Hillbilly from Kentucky. He swaggered over to a booth, sat down and hollered "Hey there sweet thing, hows about getting me a cold glass of Coke!". He too looked across the restaurant and asked "Is that God's boy over there?" The waitress nodded so the Hillbilly said to give Jesus a cold glass of Coke too.

As Jesus got up to leave He passed by the Irishman and touched him and said "For your kindness, you are healed." The Irishman felt the strength come back into his leg and got up and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The English man felt his back straightening up and he raised up his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out the door.

Then Jesus walked towards the Hillbilly. The Hillbilly jumps up and yells, "Hey man don't touch me ...... I'm drawing disability!"



---------------------------------------------------------------------------

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

Siren & Brian Sep 14th 2004 8:09 am

Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?
 
Q. What's red and orange and lies in the grass?

A. A wounded Cheesy


*groan* You SAID you wanted cheesy jokes! One more...


Q. How do you catch a squirrel?

A. Climb a tree and act like a nut


Siren
Now is that don't deserve karma...nothing does LOL

COWBOY_BUILDER Sep 14th 2004 8:49 am

Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?
 
A contestant on stars in your eyes came on in a Wheel chair .
Matthew Kelly asscertained that his name was" Simon ",
Now tell me Simon ,why do you have to use the chair asked Matthew.
"Well" said Simon "I was taking a car journey with my uncle David when we were hit by a lorry ,the car was knocked of the road and i was trapped by my legs ,unfortunately my uncle died "
"Thats terrible "said Matthew "So did you loose the use of your legs".
"They had to be amputated" said Simon "but my uncle's legs were undamaged ,so they used his legs to stich onto my body".
"WOW thats marvelous "exclaimed Matthew "and can you use the legs now ? ".
"Well not at the moment ,but after another six more months of therapy i will be able to walk again "
Matthew beamed at the audience and invited them to give Simon a round of applause for his bravery..... then he asked Simon ,
"Now tell us ,WHO ARE YOU GOING TO IMPERSONATE TONIGHT ? ".
and Simon replied "TONIGHT MATTHEW IM GOING TO BE
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
.........SIMON AND HALF UNCLE ".. :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes:

cresta57 Sep 14th 2004 12:36 pm

Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?
 
Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing
this....

Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney.
The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is
called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are
married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant
answers"yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal
questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name of their
partner (with phone number) for verification. If their partner
answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the
prize.

One particular game, however, several months ago made the city of
Sydney drop to its knees with laughter. Anyway, here's how it all
went down:

DJ: "Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"
Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."
DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast
if you win. What is your name? First only please."
Contestant: "Dave."
DJ: "Dave, are you married or what?"
Dave: "Yes."
DJ: "Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're what?"
Dave: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."
DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."
Dave: "Sarah."
DJ: "Is Sarah at work, Dave?"
Dave: "She is gonna kill me."
DJ: "Stay with me here, Dave! Is she at work?"
Dave: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."
DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"
Dave: "She is gonna kill me."
DJ: "Dave! Stay with me here!"
Dave: "About 8 o'clock this morning."
DJ: "Atta boy, Dave."
Dave: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."
DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"
Dave: "About 10 minutes."
DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would never have
said that if a trip wasn't at stake."
Dave: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice.
DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this
morning?"
Dave: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."
DJ: "This sounds good, Dave. Where was it at?"
Dave: "Not that it was all that great, but her mom is staying with us
for a couple of weeks..."
DJ: "Uh huh..."
Dave: "... and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."
DJ: "Atta boy, Dave."
Dave: "On the kitchen table."
DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous
hundred Times I've done it.
Okay folks, I will put Dave on hold, get this wife's work number and
call her up. You listen to this."
3 minutes of commercials follow.
DJ: "Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?" (Touch tones.....
ringing....)
Clerk: "Kinkos."
DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"
Clerk: "Speaking."
DJ: "Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now
and I've been talking with Dave for a couple of hours now."
Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"
DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Dave knows not to
give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the
rules of' 'Mate Match'?"
Sarah: "No."
DJ: "Good!"
Dave: (laughing)
Sarah: (laughing) "Dave, what the hell are you up to?"
Dave (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be
completely honest."
DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If
your answers match Dave's answers, then the both of you will be off
to
the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.
Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"
Sarah: "Oh God, Dave.... uh, this morning before Dave went to work."
DJ: "What time?"
Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."
DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"
Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."
DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect
his manhood. We've got one last question,
Sarah. You are one question away
from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?"
Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "Where did you have it?"
Sarah: "OH MY GOD, DAVE!! You didn't tell them that did you?"
Dave: "Just tell him, honey.
DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"
Sarah: "Well..."
DJ: Come on Sarah..... Where did you have it?


Sarah: "Up the arse....."
After a long pause, the DJ said,
"Folks, we need to take a station break".

Bob Sep 14th 2004 7:33 pm

Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?
 

Originally Posted by cresta57
Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing
this....
.

That's great...so did they get the holiday? :)

Bob Sep 14th 2004 7:38 pm

Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?
 
Found this, pretty bad, but I liked it :)

One day, a boy told by a classmate that most adults have secrets, and an easy way to get money from them is to say "I know the whole truth", even if that's not the case. He decised to try the scheme at home and says to his mother, "I know the whole truth"
She quickly hands him $20 and says "not a word of this to your father"
Pleased, the boy waits on the front steps for his father and greets him with "I know the whole truth"
His father peels off two 20s and says "Just don't tell your mother"
Next day, the boy tries his luck with the postman, "I know the whole truth" he says as the letter carrier approaches the porch.
The mailman drops to his knees, opens his arms and says.......wait for it...
"Then come and give daddy a big hug". :)

cuckoofrommars Sep 14th 2004 8:20 pm

Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?
 
My wife's favorite joke of all time....

Why don't cows eat round hay bails?

Because then they wouldn't eat three square meals a day.


Boom boom. http://users.pandora.be/eforum/emoti...cene/eck13.gif

Bob Sep 14th 2004 8:30 pm

Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?
 

Originally Posted by cuckoofrommars
My wife's favorite joke of all time....

Yup, that's cream cheese : )

Bob Sep 16th 2004 12:12 am

Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?
 
Here's another golden oldie :)

There are several men in the locker room of a private club after exercising.

Suddenly a cell phone that was on one of the benches rings.

A man picks it up and the following conversation ensues:

- "Hello?"

- "Honey, It's me."

- "Sugar!"

- "Are you at the club?"

- "Yes."

- "Great! I am at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw a beautiful mink coat...It is absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"

- "What's the price?"

- "Only $1,500.00"

- "Well, OK, go ahead and get, if you like it that much..."

- "Ahhh and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."

- "What price did he quote you?"

- "Only $60,000..."

- "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

- "Great!, before we hang up, something else..."

- "What?"

- "It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and...I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year ... it's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property..."

- "How much are they asking?"

- "Only $450,000... a magnificent price, and I see that we have that much in the check book to cover..."

- "Well, than go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?"

- "OK, sweetie... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"

- "Bye... I do too..."

The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present:

- "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

cresta57 Sep 16th 2004 4:24 am

Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?
 
Some here for Manc ;)

A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the
counter and said "Hi, I'm looking for a job".
The man behind the counter replied "Your timing is amazing. We've just got
one in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young
ladies on their overseas holidays. The Salary package is £200,000 a year".
The Scouser said "You're bullshitting me!"

The man behind the counter said "Well you started it!"

-------------------------------

If you see a Scouser on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit
him?
It might be your bicycle

-------------------------------

Why does the River Mersey run through Liverpool?
Because if it walked it would be mugged

-------------------------------

What do you call a Scouser in a three-bed semi?
A Burglar

-------------------------------

What do you call a Scouser in a tie?
The Accused


-------------------------------

What's the difference between a Scouser and a coconut?
One's thick and hairy, and the other's a coconut.

-------------------------------

What do you say to a scouser in a uniform?
Big Mac and fries please

-------------------------------

What's the first question at a Liverpool pub quiz night?
What you looking at?

-------------------------------

What do you call a scouser in a White Shellsuit?
The Bride

If your from Liverpool and your offended, tough get a life :rolleyes:

Tone Sep 16th 2004 5:01 pm

Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?
 
DARTH VADER:
Luke, I know what you have for Christmas...

LUKE:
NO, Father!

DARTH VADER:
Luke, I know what you have for Christmas....


LUKE:
NO, Father......how could you know?







DARTH VADER:
I have felt your presents!

Brit'n'TX Sep 16th 2004 7:00 pm

Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?
 

Originally Posted by Siren

Siren
Now is that don't deserve karma...nothing does LOL

then nothing does ...

:D

Bob Sep 16th 2004 7:42 pm

Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?
 

Originally Posted by Brit'n'TX
then nothing does ...

:D

You must have somin' pretty cheesy to add to the list? :)

Bob Sep 16th 2004 9:35 pm

Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?
 
Pretty bad, but hey...

A man walked into a bar. There, he saw a beautiful, smartly dressed woman perched on a bar stool. Approaching her he said, "Hello there gorgeous. How are you?"
Having already had a few power drinks, she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said, "Listen! I'll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, front door, back door, it
doesn't matter. I've been doing it since I got out of college. I just flat ass love it."
Eyes wide with interest, he said, "No kidding? I'm a lawyer too! What firm are you with?"

cresta57 Sep 17th 2004 2:54 am

Re: Cheesy Jokes anyone?
 

Originally Posted by Bob
That's great...so did they get the holiday? :)

Dunno didn't hear the end result due to the laughter in the cabin :D :D


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