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Why Do family's Not support you

Why Do family's Not support you

Old Aug 29th 2006, 11:54 am
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Wink Re: Why Do family's Not support you

I am totally

By the whole situ, however the whole thing puts huge strain on our relationship which in fact has become stronger!! [/QUOTE]


Hi all

Interesting points and everybody has different relationships with their family, so I wouldn't dream of making any generalised opinions. For my own part I have often thought how nice it would be to up sticks but family keeps me here. I hear you say 'it's your life', too true, but in essence my family are my life and I know I would be unhappy if they were not nearby. My mother recently had a heart attack, father not in good health and it puts things in to perspective for me personally. They were there for me helping with childcare when I found myself divorced and have a close bond with their grandchildren, now in their early twenties who go round and help them out with gardening etc.

Can anyone else see the slight irony in this debate ? Those of us that visit or live in Spain love their lifestyle, right ?. Well isn't their lifestyle heavily influence by the closeness of their families and extended families, we've all seen those regular dinners with masses of family gathered, all looking out for eachother.

Like I say, maybe I'm lucky in my relationship with my family, others would say the opposite but maybe worth a thought.
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Old Aug 29th 2006, 7:31 pm
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Default Re: Why Do family's Not support you

Originally Posted by Tricia
I am totally

By the whole situ, however the whole thing puts huge strain on our relationship which in fact has become stronger!!

Hi all

Interesting points and everybody has different relationships with their family, so I wouldn't dream of making any generalised opinions. For my own part I have often thought how nice it would be to up sticks but family keeps me here. I hear you say 'it's your life', too true, but in essence my family are my life and I know I would be unhappy if they were not nearby. My mother recently had a heart attack, father not in good health and it puts things in to perspective for me personally. They were there for me helping with childcare when I found myself divorced and have a close bond with their grandchildren, now in their early twenties who go round and help them out with gardening etc.

Can anyone else see the slight irony in this debate ? Those of us that visit or live in Spain love their lifestyle, right ?. Well isn't their lifestyle heavily influence by the closeness of their families and extended families, we've all seen those regular dinners with masses of family gathered, all looking out for eachother.

Like I say, maybe I'm lucky in my relationship with my family, others would say the opposite but maybe worth a thought. [/QUOTE]
Hi,
I agree with you? however the only relative that lives near me is my sister in her mid twenty's? and i am always bailing her out which is another burden on me as i already have 3 children and a hubby to look after, (love them to bits) examples of my family here we go; my sister the other week was a holiday rep in Greece decided she did not like it, i gave her 600 pound to find shared accommodation next she is on the phone all hours when she's gone out 2am 3am ,whenever she feels like having a chat which is so annoying that she is always asking can i do this for her etc etc etc. my older sister asked if i could have my niece for a week while she went to Germany guess what guys she did not come home for an extra week and i was left looking after her which was hard as she has adhd (arrrgggghhh) my dad who i love dearly who's 54 lives in bangkok with my step mum so i never see him anyway and then there is my mum who lives down south and i see once every 3 months i speak to them all every day. and then there is my Nan (who i love very much) but she lives near my mum so i see her every 3 months. they all no how much i love them and would do anything for them, but i have to think of my immediate family and make a life for us.
But i do see you point totally as for my husbands side they all live near by, but they have there life's, and my husband was in the army so he always states he can leave and not need to see them as often maybe once a year.
We both love our family's however we are always asked if we can do this and that they all have other children i.e our brothers and sisters it's time they done the things that we are always asked to do. sorry for the long story but it seems easier to say.
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Old Aug 29th 2006, 8:08 pm
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Default Re: Why Do family's Not support you

I too am intending to move over to Spain permanently as soon as my house in England is sold. Many people do ask 'won't you miss your family', but like 'The sun is shining' I don't see that much of them now - I moved to live 40 miles away from the rest of my family 30 years ago. Since then I have made the journey to see my parents (my Mum died 9 years ago so now its just my Dad) at least once every 2 weeks, but I see my sister and brother maybe twice a year if I'm lucky. They never make the trip to see me (its a 40 minute drive) although they are always out and about at weekends with their families, often to places a lot further away than where I live! So as far as I'm concerned, I won't see much less of them when I move.

It will be harder to leave my Dad who is not in the best of health, but the way I look at it is that should he have to go into hospital, which he does periodically, or need someone to be with him after he comes out of hospital, if I am living in Spain and not working it will be much easier for me to fly back and spend a few weeks with him than it would be for me to try to get time off work and travel backwards and forwards if I am still in England. I've had several periods of travelling to the hospital to see him after work and not getting home until after 9pm and fitting in helping him out at home with work and my own chores etc, and it was exhausting. I could not afford to live in England without working so wouldn't have the option to give up my job to help care for him. He has never made any objections to my plans to move to Spain, in fact he has offered to help me out financially. I said it was very kind of him to offer, but if I could not afford to do it myself I shouldn't be planning to go!

Best of luck to you with your move
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Old Aug 29th 2006, 8:20 pm
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Default Re: Why Do family's Not support you

Originally Posted by Lynn R
I too am intending to move over to Spain permanently as soon as my house in England is sold. Many people do ask 'won't you miss your family', but like 'The sun is shining' I don't see that much of them now - I moved to live 40 miles away from the rest of my family 30 years ago. Since then I have made the journey to see my parents (my Mum died 9 years ago so now its just my Dad) at least once every 2 weeks, but I see my sister and brother maybe twice a year if I'm lucky. They never make the trip to see me (its a 40 minute drive) although they are always out and about at weekends with their families, often to places a lot further away than where I live! So as far as I'm concerned, I won't see much less of them when I move.

It will be harder to leave my Dad who is not in the best of health, but the way I look at it is that should he have to go into hospital, which he does periodically, or need someone to be with him after he comes out of hospital, if I am living in Spain and not working it will be much easier for me to fly back and spend a few weeks with him than it would be for me to try to get time off work and travel backwards and forwards if I am still in England. I've had several periods of travelling to the hospital to see him after work and not getting home until after 9pm and fitting in helping him out at home with work and my own chores etc, and it was exhausting. I could not afford to live in England without working so wouldn't have the option to give up my job to help care for him. He has never made any objections to my plans to move to Spain, in fact he has offered to help me out financially. I said it was very kind of him to offer, but if I could not afford to do it myself I shouldn't be planning to go!

Best of luck to you with your move
HI,
Totally sympathise with you, how i look at it is i have looked after my siblings and been used by them for financial reasons or just to unload there stuff on to me, thats why i dont feel like i have got to stay even though they are going off on one.
You have to do what you think is best and my saying is i can hop on a plane at anytime if things go wrong. my husband and i both know that if our grandparents pass away we wont be there but we have been there whenever they have needed us.
i am not a selfish person however i do feel if i stay because everyone wants us to i will be so unhappy and i have said it to them i'm moving because i want something different for my children. i hope all works out well for everyone else
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Old Aug 29th 2006, 8:24 pm
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Default Re: Why Do family's Not support you

Originally Posted by the sun is shining
Hi,
We are moving to Spain very soon, My god you would think i am moving to the other side of the world, not a 2 hour flight.

Has anyone had this problem with family's not being very supportive and thinking you are making a big mistake.

They either cant crasp that we are really going or it's why do you want to go there?

I get "look what you are giving up" Mmmmm my reply is well we have sold our home, my material things i could not give two hoots about, My husband is self employed and works for himself so not exactly in a employed job.

Also i only see my family every few months i do speak to them everyday on the phone but i am sure i can continue that.

Has anyone ever have similar experience and how did they deal with them, i honestly dont think we will be having any leaving do, are they being genuinely caring or do you think secretly they would of loved to have the bottle to get up and go!!!!!!
Hi there,

I am just new to this forum, we too are moving to Spain when our is ready next year. we have three children, we're getting mixed reactions from our family's really. my parents are like "go for it, it's a chance you've got to take and a great experience for the kids". Hubby's parents not really said much, I think they thought we wouldn't go through with it, but most friends and family have been great. It was just the other night though, when we were out and I think my mum had a little too much wine, she got really upset and started saying how she wouldn't be able to just get in the car and visit us. My reply was " mum, we maybe see you 2 or 3 times a week for maybe an hour or two, so that's max 6 hours a week" I know for a fact that she will come across maybe once a month for a whole weekend and two weeks in the summer and it will be quality time spent, not just an hour here and there.

Does any one agree? that since moving abroad, you appreciate your family's and time spent with them more?

Good luck with your move.
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Old Aug 29th 2006, 9:14 pm
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Default Re: Why Do family's Not support you

Originally Posted by kelterjon
Hi there,

I am just new to this forum, we too are moving to Spain when our is ready next year. we have three children, we're getting mixed reactions from our family's really. my parents are like "go for it, it's a chance you've got to take and a great experience for the kids". Hubby's parents not really said much, I think they thought we wouldn't go through with it, but most friends and family have been great. It was just the other night though, when we were out and I think my mum had a little too much wine, she got really upset and started saying how she wouldn't be able to just get in the car and visit us. My reply was " mum, we maybe see you 2 or 3 times a week for maybe an hour or two, so that's max 6 hours a week" I know for a fact that she will come across maybe once a month for a whole weekend and two weeks in the summer and it will be quality time spent, not just an hour here and there.

Does any one agree? that since moving abroad, you appreciate your family's and time spent with them more?

Good luck with your move.
Hi,
Thing is with my hubby's family and mine they never babysit or spend any time with us anyway we have to ask can you have the kids or would you like to come round for tea or would you like to stay at the weekend? never once do they ask or offer anything its always me asking i have never had tea at my hubby's mum ever or had a Sunday dinner with his grandparents, however if i go to my Nan's lunch is always ready.
I can honestly say i dont think i will be homesick to the point i would want to give up Spain and move back, yes i will miss them? however my family is my children and my husband they are my first priority.
My husband and i have 3 massive party's a year for both family's to get together and we can enjoy there company (sometimes) we are not doing it this year we have stopped going to see my hubby's family as often just because we are sick of being told what we should do and why are we going etc etc etc, and it has put a bit of pressure on us hubby and i are both 31 and have decided to just have a good time and see what happens.
I do hope it works for you and your family but what you have to remember is whats best for you and you immediate family.
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Old Aug 29th 2006, 9:27 pm
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Default Re: Why Do family's Not support you

Originally Posted by kelterjon
Hi there,

I am just new to this forum, we too are moving to Spain when our is ready next year. we have three children, we're getting mixed reactions from our family's really. my parents are like "go for it, it's a chance you've got to take and a great experience for the kids". Hubby's parents not really said much, I think they thought we wouldn't go through with it, but most friends and family have been great. It was just the other night though, when we were out and I think my mum had a little too much wine, she got really upset and started saying how she wouldn't be able to just get in the car and visit us. My reply was " mum, we maybe see you 2 or 3 times a week for maybe an hour or two, so that's max 6 hours a week" know fI or a fact that she will come across maybe once a month for a whole weekend and two weeks in the summer and it will be quality time spent, not just an hour here and there.

Does any one agree? that since moving abroad, you appreciate your family's and time spent with them more?

Good luck with your move.
I can understand that. I am in Spain and I really miss my daughter not just popping in when she is in the area. She only comes over a couple of times a year and when you are close it´s not the same. There is a lot more pressure spending a week in somebody´s company then in just going home for a cup of tea and a chat. When I get homesick which I do, I just put on the telly and look at the weather back home.
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Old Aug 29th 2006, 10:23 pm
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Default Re: Why Do family's Not support you

Originally Posted by glynis
I can understand that. I am in Spain and I really miss my daughter not just popping in when she is in the area. She only comes over a couple of times a year and when you are close it´s not the same. There is a lot more pressure spending a week in somebody´s company then in just going home for a cup of tea and a chat. When I get homesick which I do, I just put on the telly and look at the weather back home.
Hi,
Think that is what i will do it is cold today?
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Old Aug 29th 2006, 11:01 pm
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Default Re: Why Do family's Not support you

Originally Posted by glynis
I can understand that. I am in Spain and I really miss my daughter not just popping in when she is in the area. She only comes over a couple of times a year and when you are close it´s not the same. There is a lot more pressure spending a week in somebody´s company then in just going home for a cup of tea and a chat. When I get homesick which I do, I just put on the telly and look at the weather back home.
Good point Glynis, hadn't thought of that one. As I said, I love my parents dearly and my sister and I have often said about the 'quality time' thing in moving away but yes, from our point of view we are very close but we also like our own space.

The other points of view for those that do not get on quite so well with their family, I can understand. I have been married to my second husband for 10 years, been together for 20 years and if I see his Mum twice a year that is it and she only lives down the road. His brothers and sisters he simply does not want to see at all and if it were just them to consider we would be off like a shot. Like I say, we all have different family relations.

This is a bit like the working Mums debate currently in the papers, what is it they say 'you can't have it all'. In other words you can't really have the freedom (and want to take it) to move abroad if you are very close to your family and if you do, then you simply have to accept the trade off. Alternatively, if your family is not close, you have the freedom to please yourself but have missed out on having a close family in the first place.

Decision made for me, you definitely can't have it all, life is always about trade offs. I guess it is a simple case of weighing up the pro's and con's
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Old Aug 29th 2006, 11:11 pm
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Default Re: Why Do family's Not support you

Originally Posted by Tricia
Good point Glynis, hadn't thought of that one. As I said, I love my parents dearly and my sister and I have often said about the 'quality time' thing in moving away but yes, from our point of view we are very close but we also like our own space.

The other points of view for those that do not get on quite so well with their family, I can understand. I have been married to my second husband for 10 years, been together for 20 years and if I see his Mum twice a year that is it and she only lives down the road. His brothers and sisters he simply does not want to see at all and if it were just them to consider we would be off like a shot. Like I say, we all have different family relations.

This is a bit like the working Mums debate currently in the papers, what is it they say 'you can't have it all'. In other words you can't really have the freedom (and want to take it) to move abroad if you are very close to your family and if you do, then you simply have to accept the trade off. Alternatively, if your family is not close, you have the freedom to please yourself but have missed out on having a close family in the first place.

Decision made for me, you definitely can't have it all, life is always about trade offs. I guess it is a simple case of weighing up the pro's and con's
Hi,
I agree we all have different relationships with our parents/family, my family and i used to be very close then i moved away and the rest of the family got on with there own life's.
So to be fair it has made it easy for us to up stick's we still love our family's and i would do anything for them, however i will not put my own family's happiness second place (Hubby, Children) they are my immediate family now and our family's will have to get use to that.
We just want to experience another life rather than the daily slog of it here and how our lifestyle is, we do have a great income but we have had to sacrificed spending time together and to me whats the point of that, like i have said in a earlier point i would rather live week to week and see my family rather than be the richest in the grave yard no good to me then
I have told my family this but they still cant imagine that we are going.
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Old Aug 30th 2006, 1:25 am
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Default Re: Why Do family's Not support you

I to have a different out look on things,
we both have left children and i a grandchild in the UK and some times we get an ear bashing,
For instance last night my partners son was chatting to him ( he had to ring him they never call us ) any way his younger sons girl friend is having a baby, the noise from the other end was very sharp "Dad when are you coming back to the UK" noting that the younger son was offered a free holiday but the girl friend wanted to go some where hot, we live in southern Spain it was hotter than Tenerife at the time, he had to sell his car to take her, any way we are in the middle of restoring a very old house and my partner is working on it 24/7 and well time off to go where it is cold and wet is not a priority, the eldest son then said note he is having a free holiday to in October "well if i am making the effort to come to see you then you should, to see your new grand child" well its not due until December. at no time had his dad said he wasn't coming to see the baby he didnt even say a word the son just blasted first.
Well i thought you cheeky young man you need not bother coming, i dont want you and your girl friend thinking your doing me a favour by coming to see us, it will be a lot of work for me, i will be a cook, a chauffeur, and a site seeing guide for 7 days, plus all the extra things i will have to do to keep you all happy. the worst thing is when we are in the UK his sons wont want us staying with them.
So yes you have your children you give them your all but they still want more, i know neither my partner or I think the same of our parents and never have done,
well thats got that off my mind
sorry for ranting





Originally Posted by the sun is shining
Hi,
I agree we all have different relationships with our parents/family, my family and i used to be very close then i moved away and the rest of the family got on with there own life's.
So to be fair it has made it easy for us to up stick's we still love our family's and i would do anything for them, however i will not put my own family's happiness second place (Hubby, Children) they are my immediate family now and our family's will have to get use to that.
We just want to experience another life rather than the daily slog of it here and how our lifestyle is, we do have a great income but we have had to sacrificed spending time together and to me whats the point of that, like i have said in a earlier point i would rather live week to week and see my family rather than be the richest in the grave yard no good to me then
I have told my family this but they still cant imagine that we are going.
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Old Aug 30th 2006, 1:37 am
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Default Re: Why Do family's Not support you

Originally Posted by gallerie9
I to have a different out look on things,due until December. at
So yes you have your children you give them your all but they still want more, i know neither my partner or I think the same of our parents and never have done,
well thats got that off my mind
sorry for ranting

Ah yes, the good old 'new partner' syndrome, even if you've been together years. From experience it takes a hell of a lot of work to smooth things over with the older kids. Of course they could have the same mentality if was 'Mum and Dad' going I guess. Didn't quite understand your last sentence re your parents though

Just thought of how you can 'have it all'. If you're lucky enough to have small children, not divorced, close family and they all decide to move abroad. Wonder if there are any of those people out there ??????

Last edited by Tricia; Aug 30th 2006 at 1:47 am.
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Old Aug 30th 2006, 4:05 am
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Default Re: Why Do family's Not support you

Originally Posted by gallerie9
I to have a different out look on things,
we both have left children and i a grandchild in the UK and some times we get an ear bashing,
For instance last night my partners son was chatting to him ( he had to ring him they never call us ) any way his younger sons girl friend is having a baby, the noise from the other end was very sharp "Dad when are you coming back to the UK" noting that the younger son was offered a free holiday but the girl friend wanted to go some where hot, we live in southern Spain it was hotter than Tenerife at the time, he had to sell his car to take her, any way we are in the middle of restoring a very old house and my partner is working on it 24/7 and well time off to go where it is cold and wet is not a priority, the eldest son then said note he is having a free holiday to in October "well if i am making the effort to come to see you then you should, to see your new grand child" well its not due until December. at no time had his dad said he wasn't coming to see the baby he didnt even say a word the son just blasted first.
Well i thought you cheeky young man you need not bother coming, i dont want you and your girl friend thinking your doing me a favour by coming to see us, it will be a lot of work for me, i will be a cook, a chauffeur, and a site seeing guide for 7 days, plus all the extra things i will have to do to keep you all happy. the worst thing is when we are in the UK his sons wont want us staying with them.
So yes you have your children you give them your all but they still want more, i know neither my partner or I think the same of our parents and never have done,
well thats got that off my mind
sorry for ranting
Hi,
Dont be sorry for ranting it is lovely to have everyone have there say? i must say though i do know that boys when older are influenced by there women I am lucky i have been blessed with three girls and yes the oldest one is a nightmare at the moment (she's 14) i Just hope they know i am here and everything i do it's done for them.

I always make the effort for my husbands family, and i always say you must go and see your mum, however his like 'it's the weekend its our time' but i do understand what you are saying and to be fair they are being cheeky, but you enjoy your time with your partner and let them get on with it
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Old Aug 30th 2006, 4:42 am
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Default Re: Why Do family's Not support you

Hi
sorry i was ranting
My partner and I have never demanded any thing from our parents, not time or money, and well its hard when children, I know they are not mine, but I have two and they know not to talk to me like that, when they come it will be me doing the running around, and trying to keep everyone happy, and I am nothing but kind to them, and I constantly try to appease them, but the boys (and one of the girlfriends) not his daughters talk to him like he is an idiot and I find that very hard to put up with. I am ranting again sorry !!!!!
And i know they treat there Mum and her partner the same but she tells them off !!!!!!
It would be wonderful to have it all but life as it is now is not like that, I once had that but my husband died so I started again and I am very Happy just sometimes a little stressed
But life in Spain is amazing and if you have the chance take it hold it with both hands and never look back



Originally Posted by Tricia
Ah yes, the good old 'new partner' syndrome, even if you've been together years. From experience it takes a hell of a lot of work to smooth things over with the older kids. Of course they could have the same mentality if was 'Mum and Dad' going I guess. Didn't quite understand your last sentence re your parents though

Just thought of how you can 'have it all'. If you're lucky enough to have small children, not divorced, close family and they all decide to move abroad. Wonder if there are any of those people out there ??????
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Old Aug 30th 2006, 5:39 am
  #30  
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Default Re: Why Do family's Not support you

Originally Posted by gallerie9
Hi

It would be wonderful to have it all but life as it is now is not like that, I once had that but my husband died so I started again and I am very Happy just sometimes a little stressed
But life in Spain is amazing and if you have the chance take it hold it with both hands and never look back
You can only do what you can do and no more. If you and hubby make eachother happy then that's all that matters. I wonder why the boys are different to the girls, I'm guessing maturity or feeling threatened or just plain selfish, all things they will probably grow out of anyway. It must be difficult if your hubby doesn't want to tackle them about the way they speak to him because you would for sure be the 'wicked one' if you did and he didn't, sometimes Men just hate any kind of confrontation don't they. Then again you could find some new found respect from them if you didn't put up with it, only you can answer that one.

Don't fret too much
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