simon2129

These quotes are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
things that both lawyers, witnesses and the accused actually said in court,
word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters.
LAWYER: What was the first thing your husband said to you on the morning
that you shot him?
WITNESS: He said, "I love you Cathy
LAWYER: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
__________________________________________
LAWYER: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: A sweatshirt, shorts and Reebok trainers.
____________________________________________
LAWYER: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
LAWYER: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
LAWYER: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I can't remember things.
LAWYER: You can't remember things? Can you give us an example of something
you can't remember?
___________________________________________
LAWYER: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: Yes, me and my wife both do.
LAWYER: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
LAWYER: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________
LAWYER: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass your Law exam?
____________________________________
LAWYER: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.
___________________________________________
LAWYER: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Er, yeah !
_________________________________________
LAWYER: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
LAWYER: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!
____________________________________________
LAWYER: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
LAWYER: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
LAWYER: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you 5hitt'in me? Your Honor, I think I need a different Lawyer.
Can I get a new Lawyer?
____________________________________________
LAWYER: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
LAWYER: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it? I'll give you a clue,
it wasn't mine.
____________________________________________
LAWYER: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had shaved head and a beard.
LAWYER: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
_____________________________________
LAWYER: Is it true that your appearance here this morning is due to the
notice which I sent to your Lawyer?
WITNESS: No, this is how I always dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
LAWYER: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to
rephrase that?
_________________________________________
LAWYER: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________
LAWYER: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
LAWYER: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy on him!
____________________________________________
LAWYER: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?! I don't think you have to pass an exam to take a pee. Are you
qualified to be a Lawyer?!
______________________________________
And the best for last:
LAWYER: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
LAWYER: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
LAWYER: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
LAWYER: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
LAWYER: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
LAWYER: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law somewhere.

cheers simon

brisca

REALLY funny stuff in there

I've read some of those before, but they're still excellent.

It does make you wonder how some of those lawyers ever passed their exams though, doesn't it!?
I wonder how many of them understood the sarcastic replies!

leighbloke

What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
"Look! They spelled MACY's wrong!"

Why did the blond lay out on the lawn chair in her bikini at midnight?
She wanted to get a dark tan.

What did the blonde's mother say when she asked if she could lick the bowl?
"Just flush it like everybody else does."

Hear about the blonde explorer?
She bought a piece of sandpaper thinking it was a map of the Sahara Desert.

Did you hear the one about the blonde that had a problem with her bed?
She couldn't find a knife large enough to apply the bed spread.

What is every blonde's ambition in life?
To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.

How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
She threw it off of a cliff.

How did the blonde burn her nose?
Bobbing for french fries.

Why do blondes have see-through lunch box tops?
So they can tell if they are going to work or going home, while on the bus.

Why do blondes like lightning?
They think someone is taking their picture.

Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces?
From eating with forks.

What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?
A space invader.

What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case?
Branch manager.

Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
From crawling across the street when the sign said "don't walk."

anabella

Somebody posted these rules to date daughters in the US forum yesterday they are absolutely hilarious..

tednsharon

They've made a good start to my morning

mikelincs

They are brilliant..

brisca

Leighbloke.........................

Even though I was once blonde (but now have a few grey bits thrown in!) I thought your post was BRILL!

brisca

REALLY enjoyed those Anabella

Am going to forward them to my friend who has a 21 year old daughter......................and another one who has just turned 1!!!
Bless him, he's got to go through all that twice!

Thanks for really making me smile

mikelincs

Probably too late for the 21 year old ..

brisca

You may well be right Mike!

onlineamiga

In the Lawyers defence on some of these questions... They do ask stupid questions like that to try and trip the witness up into saying the wrong thing. But funny nonetheless

anabella

This one was posted today:

A week at the gym