THE GREAT BRITISH EMPIRE

MAY IT'S SUN NEVER SET

TOO BLOODY LATE




Quite interesting this (scroll down) actually what benefit is it for UK to give away so much to developing third world, particularly when we ourselves are so much in the proverbial.
Comparative figures for France are £40 million ,
Germany £35 million....
UK wait for it...... £785 million.
How on earth can we afford this?
How can this Government justify aid to this all consuming "bottomless pit"
We have had over 50 years of giving out hand outs and all its does is perhaps save a few thousand extra people in such countries, which usually due to war, weather or famine means the good old UK has to pay to keep these extra people alive as well.......basically we see adverts of kids having to walk 5 miles a day to get fresh water....answer to that is: move nearer the bloody well then!!!
and if their parents didn't breed so much in places where water or food is scarce then even if the kid still had to walk 5 miles the water container would not be so heavy for them would it.
We cannot afford to morally balance the world...so why on earth do we bother....Oxfam look back at UK mainland instead of focusing thousands of miles away
Please forward this and speak about it to others. The so-called Cuts ignore the vast cost of the EU and International Aid. Nothing short of criminal.




How angry do people have to get? - Read this and weep!

HOW TRUE
We're "broke" & can't help: -
Our own Senior Citizens,
Our own deserving Troops,
Our Orphans,
And the Homeless
etc . .. . etc. . . etc. . .


In the last month alone we have provided aid to: -

Haiti - again!,
Chile ,
Turkey ,
Greece ,
Pakistan - again. . ..
amongst others


Our pensioners are living on a 'fixed income'
Receive no aid, or get any breaks,
while our
government and religious organizations pour

Hundreds of Millions of ££££££'s
And Tons of Food
ALL to Foreign Countries!


We have thousands of adoptable children who are shoved aside
WHY . . . .
To make room for the adoption of foreign orphans!!!!!!!!!!!


Great Britain - a country where we have: -
Homeless without shelter,
Children and adults going to bed hungry,
Elderly going without 'needed' medication,
The mentally ill without treatment -
etc, etc.

YET...................

They are requesting donations for the people of Pakistan......
A country that trains British Muslim extremists

how to BOMB & KILL us!!!!

A country that ploughs millions into its nuclear programme!!!

A country with hundreds of millionaires who do sod all
for THEIR own countrymen!!!.

The same country that has passed laws so these
rich people don't pay ANY taxes!!!
The same country where most of the aid sent

DOES NOT reach the ones in need!!!


...and we have -
Yet AGAIN . .
TV stations that are spouting WE are letting these people down!!!
Whilst OUR ships And OUR planes
(laughably some are Military ones)
All lined up to fly and crammed full with:
Our food . .
Our Bottled Water!!! . ..
Our New Tents .. .
Our New Clothes . ... .
Our New Bedding . . .
OUR NHS Doctors & Nurses
And OUR medical supplies . ..
Whilst UK cancer patients are denied life saving drugs!!!
And some of our OWN - from children to pensioners -
go to bed hungry!!!




Imagine if the *GOVERNMENT* gave 'US'


The same support they give to other countries.

Sad isn't it?
















=

A woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her about a new
procedure called 'The Knob,' where a small knob is placed at
the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin
and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift.
Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.'
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob,
and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking
and vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with
two problems.
All these years, everything has been working just
fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always
loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying
problems:
First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob
won't get rid of them.'
The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'Those aren't bags, those are your breasts.'
She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.'

.................................................. ...................................

Second Opinion!

The doctor said, 'Harry, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.

You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

I was shocked and depressed. I wondered if I had anything to live for. I had no choice but to go under the knife. When I left the hospital, I was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but I felt like I was missing an important part of Myself. As I walked down the street, I realized that I felt like a different person. I could make a new beginning and live a new life.

I saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit...'

I entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit..'

The elderly tailor eyed me briefly and said, 'Let's see... Size 44 long.'

I laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

I tried on the suit it fit perfectly.

As I, admired myself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

I thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The salesman eyed me and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

I was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years.'

I tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

I walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'

I thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

The salesman said, 'Let's see... Size 36.

I laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'





New suit - $500
New shirt - $52
New underwear - $12
Second Opinion - PRICELESS

.................................................. ..........................................

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs!

'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?'

The Irishman nodded....'I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day.'

'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.

'No, from the f**kin' skippin'

Grandma Still Drives ---Priceless


Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker.

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting..

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!'

'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma

Subject: Teaching Maths


1. Teaching Maths In 1970
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100..
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.
What is his profit?

2. Teaching Maths In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is 80% of the price.
What is his profit?

3. Teaching Maths In 1990
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is £80.
How much was his profit?

4. Teaching Maths In 2000
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20.
Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Maths In 2005
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands.
Your assignment: Discuss how the birds and squirrels might feel as the logger cut down their homes just for a measly profit of £20.

6. Teaching Maths In 2009
A logger is arrested for trying to cut down a tree in case it may be offensive to Muslims or other religious groups not consulted in the application for the felling license. He is also fined a £100 as his chainsaw is in breach of Health and Safety legislation as it deemed too dangerous and could cut something. He has used the chainsaw for over 20 years without incident however he does not have the correct certificate of competence and is therefore considered to be a recidivist and habitual criminal. His DNA is sampled and his details circulated throughout all government agencies. He protests and is taken to court and fined another £100 because he is such an easy target.

When he is released he returns to find Gypsies have cut down half his wood to build a camp on his land. He tries to throw them off but is arrested, prosecuted for harassing an ethnic minority, imprisoned and fined a further £100. While he is in jail again the Gypsies cut down the rest of his wood and sell it on the black market for £100 cash. They also have a departure BBQ of squirrel and pheasant and leave behind several tonnes of rubbish and asbestos sheeting.

The forester on release is warned that failure to clear the fly tipped rubbish immediately at his own cost is an offence. He complains and is arrested for environmental pollution, breach of the peace and invoiced £12,000 plus VAT for safe disposal costs by a regulated government contractor.

Your assignment: How many times is the logger going to have to be arrested and fined before he realizes that he is never going to make £20 profit by hard work, give up, sign onto the dole and live off the state for the rest of his life?

7. Teaching Maths In 2010
A logger doesn’t sell a lorry load of timber because he can’t get a loan to buy a new lorry because his bank has spent all his and their money on a derivative of securitized debt related to sub-prime mortgages in Surrey and lost the lot, with only some government money left to pay a few million-pound bonuses to their senior directors and the traders who made the biggest losses.

The logger struggles to pay the £1,200 road tax on his old lorry. However, as it was built in the 1970s it no longer meets the emissions regulations and he is forced to scrap it.

Some Bulgarian loggers buy the lorry from the scrap merchant and put it back on the road. They undercut everyone on price for haulage and send their cash back home, while claiming unemployment for themselves and their relatives. If questioned they speak no English and it is easier to deport them at the governments expense. Following their holiday back home they return to the UK with different names and fresh girls and start again. The logger protests, is accused of being a bigoted racist and as his name is on the side of his old lorry he is forced to pay £1,500 registration fees as a gang master.

The Government borrows more money to pay more to the bankers as bonuses are not cheap. The parliamentarians feel they are missing out and claim the difference on expenses and allowances.
You do the maths.

8. Teaching Maths 2017
أ المسجل تبيع حموله شاحنة من الخشب من اجل 100 دولار. صاحب تكلفة
> الانتاج 80 من
> الثمن. ما هو الربح له؟= 20






Started ranting yet!! I have!

Brilliant, and so true


.

A Punjabi lawyer working in UK wrote to his wife in India...



Dear Sunita Darling,

I can't send you my salary this month because the global market crisis has affected my Company's performance, so I am sending 100 kisses. You are my sweetheart, please adjust.


Your loving husband,
Tuna Singh


His wife replied...




TINKU KE PAPPA ,

Thanks for the 100 kisses. Below is the list of expenses I paid with the Kisses...:

1. The Milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one month's milk.

2. The electricity man, Kooldip Singh, agreed not to disconnect only after 7 kisses.

3. Your landlord Kapal Singh comes every day to take 2 or 3 kisses instead of the monthly rent.

4. Supermarket owner Jaswant Singh did not accept kisses only, so I gave him other items, I hope you understand..

5. Miscellaneous expenses 40 kisses.

Please don't worry about me, I still have a balance of 35 kisses and I hope I can survive the month using this balance...
Shall I plan the same for the next month?

Your Sweet Heart,
Kichi


NEVER MESS WITH WOMEN

Anger Management

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it
out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on
someone you don't know, but you know deserves it.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to
make.

I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying 'Hello.'

I politely said, 'This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear 'Get the right f***ing number!'
and the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.

When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had
accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled 'You're an asshole!' and hung
up.

I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my
desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd
call him up and yell, 'You're an asshole!'

It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling
would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said, 'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone
company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?'

He yelled 'NO!' and slammed down the phone.

I quickly called him back and said, 'That's because you're an asshole!' and
hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.

Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently
waited for.

I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot
ignored me.

I noticed a 'For Sale ' sign in his back window, so I wrote down his
number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his
number on speed dial) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.

I said, 'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'

He said, 'Yes, it is.'

I then asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see it?'

He said, 'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd., in Fairfax. It's a yellow ranch
style house and the car's parked right out in front.'

I asked, 'What's your name?'

He said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'

I asked, 'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'

He said, 'I'm home every evening after five.'

I said, 'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'

He said, 'Yes?'

I said, 'Don, you're an asshole!'

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

Then I came up with an idea...

I called asshole #1.

He said, 'Hello'

I said, 'You're an asshole!' (But I didn't hang up.)

He asked, 'Are you still there?'

I said, 'Yeah!'

He screamed, 'Stop calling me'

I said, 'Make me.'

He asked, 'Who are you?'

I said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'

He said, 'Yeah? Where do you live?'

I said, 'Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd., in Fairfax, a yellow ranch
style home and I have a black Beamer parked in front..'

He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying
your prayers..'

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole,' and hung up.

Then I called Asshole #2.

He said, 'Hello?'

I said, 'Hello, asshole,'

He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are...'

I said, 'You'll what?'

He exclaimed, 'I'll kick your ass'

I answered, 'Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now.'

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I was on my
way over to 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 7 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd
in Fairfax .... * * ****


I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax ...

I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each
other
in front of six cop cars and surrounded by a news crew !! ****


NOW I feel much better.

Anger management really does work. ****

Brilliant - maybe we could try this with a few Goan politicians !!

Dread - x

A LITTLE THREE YEAR OLD BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET.
HIS MOTHER THINKS HE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG, SO SHE GOES IN TO SEE WHAT'S UP..
THE LITTLE BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET READING A BOOK.
BUT ABOUT EVERY 10 SECONDS OR SO HE PUTS THE BOOK DOWN, GRIPS ONTO THE TOILET SEAT WITH HIS LEFT HAND AND HITS HIMSELF ON TOP OF THE HEAD WITH HIS RIGHT HAND.
HIS MOTHER SAYS: "BILLY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? YOU'VE BEEN IN HERE FOR A WHILE".
BILLY SAYS: "I'M FINE, MUMMY... I JUST HAVEN'T DONE IT YET. "
MOTHER SAYS: "OK, YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEW MORE MINUTES.
BUT, BILLY, WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD?"


BILLY SAYS: "IT WORKS ON THE TOMATO SAUCE BOTTLE!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


















The Tiny Pianist.

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter.
The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag
The man reaches in and pulls out a little man, 12inches high and sets him on the counter.
He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, as well.
Then he pulls out a tiny piano seat, which he places in front of the piano.
The little man sits down and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart!
"Where on earth did you get that?" says the bartender.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag.
This time he pulls out a magic lamp.
He hands it to the bartender and says: "Here. Rub it."

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly a beautiful genie is standing before him.
"I will grant you one wish. Each person is only allowed one!"

The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, "I want a million bucks!"
A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar.
It is soon followed by another duck, then another, pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!

The bartender turns to the man and says, "Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf.
I asked for a million bucks, NOT a million ducks."

"Tell me about it!!" says the man,
"do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?

The Vicar's Salary

At Sunday church the local Vicar explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.
There is a hush within the congregation.

No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.

Fred Smith, who owns several car dealerships in Glasgow , stands up and proclaims:
'If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Mercedes every year and his wife with a Volkswagen mini-van to transport their children!'

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says, if the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education for all of his children!'

More sighs and loud applause.

Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile,
'If the Vicar stays, I will give him free sex.'

There is total silence.

The Preacher, blushing, asks her:
'Mrs. Jones, you're a wonderful and holy lady, whatever possessed you to say that?'

Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking
His head from side to side, while his wife replies:
'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, '**** him'.

Miss Beatrice,
The church organist,
Was in her eighties And had never been married.
She was admired for her
sweetness and kindness.
One afternoon, the pastor
Came to call on her and she
showed him into her quaint
sitting room.
She invited him to have a
seat while she prepared tea.


As he sat facing her old
Hammond organ, the young
minister noticed a cute glass
bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water,
and in the water floated, of all
things, a condom!



When she returned with tea and
scones, they began to chat.



The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity
about the bowl of water and its
strange floater, but soon it got
the better of him and he could
no longer resist.



'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder
if you would tell me about this?'
pointing to the bowl..



'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it
wonderful? I was walking through
the park a few months ago
and I found this little package on
the ground. The directions said
to place it on the organ, keep
it wet, and that it would prevent
the spread of disease. Do you
know I haven't had the
flu all winter'




.................................................. ......................................









There were two nuns
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),
and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to make love to us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
A little while later...
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.



Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logicalarrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.


SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL : Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.
And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,

Say two Hail Marys

.................................................. ..........................................

thanks dread.

My 6yo grandson returned home yesterday after a summer spent at his maternal grandparents summer house in the Ukraine, in disgrace. When his parents started to pack things away ready for there return it seemed my grandson, Lucas, had rather a lot of money in his room. Very reluctant at first to explain how he had come by this money, it transpired that when the family were holding BBQ and pool parties at the house, Lucas was charging the kids from the village to attend! Frankly I thought it was hilarious, a view not shared by either my son or daughter in law!