Hello,
Hoping for some advice. We have the visas... we have sold the house... i have sold my business...we have started to pack...flights booked 23rd March.. we have a realtor looking for a house... but.. our 17yr old daughter is now refusing point blank to come with us. we have waited almost three years for the whole process to complete, what do we do, give up and stay at home. She is not really in a position to support herself and we think she is too young anyway, any ideas gratefully accepted. She is stubborn as a mule.

Perhaps, if she's going to university, you could drag your move until then and pack her off to one with a residence?

No, she has finished a levels and has a training position with a solicitors office,doing business admin qualification part time. She is only earning around £80 per week, but with typical teenage logic reckons she will rent her own place and support herself in style. We have reached screaming point with one another.

Sorry to hear about your rather major setback! Did this come as a surprise to you or had she previously said she didn't want to go? What are her reasons for wanting to stay - friends, a boyfriend, studies, career, etc?
As the previous poster said, the university residence would be a good idea if this is a possibility.

When I was about the same age, my friend's parents moved to the Netherlands and my friend came to live with me and my parents for a few years until she got herself settled with a job, etc. Maybe that could be another possibility. I can sympathise with her as I know I would have hated to leave my friends when I was 17. I can sympathise with you, too, though! I hope you can find a solution that suits everyone.

any close rellies that she could stay with?

over the last three years she has changed her mind more times than I care to remember,up until last week she was happy to come, even checking out colleges etc. There is no boyfriend (she just dumped him), just a "Vicky Pollard" type friend who influences her. Her grandparents offered to take her but again she refused stating it is too far away from her work.I know if we drag her against her will she will make our lives a complete misery. Imagine a female "Kevin the teenager" and you are somewhere close to our Kate, "just go" she says "Ill be fine". How on earth have others coped with this....Anyone want a stroppy teen??? free to good home. Free to ANY home the way I feel at the moment.

Got a stroppy teen myself (17 year old boy) so don't want to take up your offer.
It must be a real headache for you, thankfully at present he hasn't mentioned not going but there seems to be a new friend (female) on the scene so we keep telling him don't get to involved you will be leaving soon and he just says "yeah i know stop nagging"
Every now and again he has a bit of a whinge about not being able to drive legally in Canada (B.C.)for ages but he seems to be generally very keen so here's hoping he doesn't change his mind nearer the time.

Wishing you plenty of luck.

I wonder what would happen if you called her bluff and said "ok then, we're off"! I'm 27 so am not too far off 17 so yes, I think she would make your lives hell if she was forced to move with you - I know I would have done so at 17 and I was considered rather mild-mannered as 17-year-olds go!

Is she legally your responsibility at 17? If so, I would insist that she stays with her grandparents OR moves with you, no other choices. There's no way she would be able to support herself on that income. Maybe she thinks that you'll send handouts to her whenever she needs them...

It's a shame that she doesn't see this as a great opportunity to make a new start in life and get to know new cultures. I bet a lot of her friends would love the chance to travel and live in another country. I can bet that if she stays, ten years down the line she'll regret her decision.

Good luck!!!

At the end of the day, it probably boils down to what you want and what is more important to you.
When we moved here 18 months ago, our 3 teenagers came with us. They really didn't want to, but my husband put so much pressure on us all, he wore us down. He built up such a strong picture of how wonderful life would be in Canada etc that the girls came and started university here. Our eldest is only now starting to talk to him and they will never be close again. They all just want to finish their degrees and go back. They don't see their future here. It seems most graduates at universities here in Nova Scotia seem to go elsewhere once they have finished, as there are not the opportunities you find elsewhere.
Perhaps, like ours, your daughter never really believed that the move would happen. Now that the house is sold, tickets booked, reality has hit home and she is reacting in the only way she knows how.
Moving is a scary thing at the best of times. Moving to a new country is a big step. To some it might seem like a great opportunity but to others it is a nightmare. She is probably feeling so insecure at the moment, I'm sure you are all pretty stressed and tempers are frayed.
What if you book her a return ticket with the option to go back after a few months if she is really unhappy?
One of the hardest thing for ours was making new friends and I know they were incredibly lonely the first year. Thankfully, skype and msm help them keep in touch with their old friends, and both girls have summer jobs lined up in UK this year, which means they can go back and keep in touch.
It is a horrible position to be in and I really hope you can work out what is best for you all.

Annie,
What about a compromise, to open up communications / negotiations?
EG. She goes with you for 6 - 12 months, and if she doesn't like it after that she could stay with relatives in UK (assuming there are some). If she doesn't agree, ask her for other suggestions.
Sit down with a pad and a calculator, and show her exactly how far £80 / week goes (not including partying, just basics).
Basically, give her as much information as you can, leave emotions at the door. (If it's getting heated, adjourn and start again once you've both calmed down. Once voices are raised, common sense gets lost!)
She MAY give in and go under duress, but then you can show her what she will gain in CA.
At 17 she is a grown person with views of her own, you can only advise and guide her away from the obvious mistakes.
Personally if she doesn't go, she'll end up regretting the experience and join the "what -if " club.
HTH,
Kenny

I suppose I dissent slightly from the theme of the advice but I don't think it's fair to drag an unwilling 17 year old to the middle of nowhere. I think you have to find a means to leave her and, if you're not willing to stay, you need to find a mechanism to support her from Canada.

17 is a bad age to move country even if you want to go. I left Aus at 17 to return to the UK and at the time thought 'great england centre of the universe etc'. Yeah for the first couple of months it was great I was a novelty what with the accent etc, but then I realised i didnt 'fit'. I was used to sunshine, wide open spaces, different music, different social mores, parties rather than pubs, different youth subcultures.
As time passed I adapted to the situation made friends, went to uni, got a job (well several jobs actually), got married, came here.
Do I regret my parents taking me back to the uk? One one hand yes on the other I'd never have met my wife or come here so things happen for a reason.

In a nutshell? It has to be your daughters decision if she comes to Canada, if you force her she will resent you forever (even if its only subconciously).

Do you have other kids? Do they want to come?

I'm having a similar problem with our 18 year old son, we hope to be over there in July, but he's very reticent to leave his girlfriend. We've come to a sort of compromise where we said we would all go and land as a family and stay for a month to start the settling in period and travel around to see places. If he still wanted to come back then we'd sort something out with family in the UK and maybe come back for a while. He can come back for a year, or longer, if he wants before joining us again. Between my wife and I (all knowing) he will get home sick for the family and come back much sooner than a year. I think 'talking' her into the idea would be better than forcing the issue, although easier said then done I know...

Just had yet another row!! I called her bluff and said we are going anyway. "Good" she says "cant wait for you to go". We have two other kids, one is at uni now and plans to come when she finishes, the other is 10 and can't wait to go. None of our other family will take her cos shes a bit of a "wild child", in fact, (God forgive me) she is a t**t, and has been for about 6months now. I have got to the point where I think she is deliberately just trying to sabotage our plans, but maybe im just being paranoid now. it feels that she is going out of her way to bugger things up for all of us. I love her to bits but I dont like her much at the moment..AGGGH.

wow annie - what a predicament !

If you force her to go, and she is so completely not up for the idea - as it sounds! - she will purposefully not fit in or enjoy herself or settle at all. I also think, anyway, it will be tough for her to find a job as the A levels will not be recognised really - is there any other kind of futher education (here or there) that appeals to her?

If you abandon all your plans and stay here, you will resent her hugely and may never recover a decent relationship from it.

As another poster said, go the 'adult' route and ask her to write down and work out how she will stay and support herself. If she's done her A levels, she's not a dense girl !

Or offer the 'come for 6 months and see what you think'.

Problem with 17 year olds is they cannot see further than next week - and their mates - who are their whole world. Can't put an older head on young shoulders and all that - but force her to look beyond next week, say, to end of the summer at least !

My best mate moved to Spain last summer. At the last minute her 17 yr old son said he wasn't going - after the whole family had been so up for it for over a year. He dropped out of sixth form and got himself a job in a bank (and has surprised everyone by doing really well, with two pay rises and a promotion already!) - and more to the point, a nice young man has emerged from all the 'kevin' behaviour last year. The difference in this scenario though is that he did have somewhere else to live - and pays towards the housekeeping. My friend left him a car and paid for one year's insurance - and will assist with the odd flight out in the next year or so (admittedly not as expensive as a Canadian flight) - but the moral of my waffly story is that sometimes, the kids can and do have to grow up bloomin' fast and it's not always a disaster. Her continual nagging and advice thoughout his childhood must have gone in somewhere and has eventually paid dividends! However, I ought to add that most of our friends thought she was a 'terrible' mother for going off and following her dream whilst leaving an awkward, pain-in-the-backside, hormonal son behind!!

Don't know what I'm trying to say - but alot of the decision-making must come down to her - is there anyone who can mediate if you can't help but scream at each other?!

Good, good luck !!