expathopeful

Interviewer: What do you consider to be your biggest weakness?

Candidate: I would have to say... my honesty

Interviewer: Really? I wouldn't usually consider that a weakness?

Candidate: I don't give a f**K what you think.....

Equestra

A man escapes from a prison where he's bee locked up for 15 years.

He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed.

He ties the chap to a chair, and ties the woman to the bed, the convict then climbs on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he want s*x, don't resist, don't complain. Do what ever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong honey, I love you!"

She responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. he told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey, I love you!"

DOHDUBMAN

A lot of people using the sickipedia app i see

Meow

Meow

In the beginning - EVE'S SIDE OF THE STORY

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. 'So, how is everything going?' inquired God.

'It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied. 'The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem.

It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain.'

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc. She felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more 'symmetrically balanced'.

'That's a fair point,' replied God, 'But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.'

And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.

' Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?'

'Just fantastic,' she replied, 'But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.'

God thought for a moment and said, 'You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's see....where did I put that useless Tit?'

Now doesn't THAT make more sense than all that crap about the rib?

redShark

well spotted

mikewot

Interviewer: What would you consider to be your greatest weakness?

Applicant: Hmm.. probably having sex with my boss's wife.

Interviewer: Excuse me?!

Applicant: Na, I'm only kidding. Definitely making jokes at inappropriate times.

Kix

I was watching a movie with my son last night when a sex scene came on.
"Alright son, it's about time you went to bed," I said.
"But Dad, I'm 18," he protested.


"I don't care," I said. "You're not watching me wank."

Beaverstate

scrubbedexpat141

This is a joke thread mate, not real life stories.

Boomhauer

Right Click --> Save Picture--> Post on Facebook

Bored_in_Riyadh

Bahtatboy

A man boarded an aircraft at London 's Heathrow Airport for New York , and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.

"Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in the United States ."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded,” I use my experience to disprove some of the popular myths about sexuality..."

"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent.

We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"

"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."

UKCityGent

If theres life after death - would there be sex after death ?

Kix

So my local priest has condemned the celebrations after Margaret Thatcher's death, adding that death should never be a cause for celebration.

"We'll discuss that further next Easter." I replied to him....