Today's Joke
 

Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for £100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day..

The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey's died.'

Paddy replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.'

The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.'

Paddy said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'

The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'

Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!'

Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me.. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'

Paddy said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two pounds a piece and made a profit of £898'

The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'

Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won.So I gave him his two pounds back.'

Paddy now works for the Royal Bank of Scotland.

Re: Today's Joke
 

Paddy is now in Abu Dhabi and is raffling a Camel......
Anyone interested in buying a ticket?

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So what has the RBS done to upset you?

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you have so missed the joke.

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Don't be so naive. My question is why name the Royal Bank of Scotland rather than any other financial institution.

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probably because:

1) They made (and lost) a stack of money on derivative bets and somewhat not so honest deals
2) They are British
3) They are now owned by UK Financial Investments
4) The joke wouldn't be as funny if the punchline was 'national savings and investments'

As it happens, I know that they are seriously beefing up their investment banking units again. A colleague is going back to the UK on a 250k GBP salary with a guaranteed 250k GBP bonus...

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250K + 250K bonus- ok who do I have to sleep with to get that deal?

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Crossing over from the insults thread..:

Churchill: Madam, would you sleep with me for five million pounds?
Socialite: My goodness, Mr. Churchill... Well, I suppose... we would have to discuss terms, of course...
Churchill: Would you sleep with me for five pounds?
Socialite: Mr. Churchill, what kind of woman do you think I am?!
Churchill: Madam, we've already established that. Now we are haggling about the price.

You sound like a fun kind of gal, I'll buy you a shwarma?

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an arrogant tosser.

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500,000 Chinamen.

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A 60 year old guy walks into a jewellers with a gorgeous 22 year old blonde on his arm.
'Sir, I've just met this beautiful woman and I want to marry her. Please find me the biggest diamond ring you have'
The jeweller brings out a selection and the young lady settles on a 50,000 quid diamond solitaire.
'Will you take a cheque?' he asks
'well, we don't normally, but if you give me the cheque, you can collect the ring when it clears' says the jeweller.
'No problem' says the old man and promptly writes out a cheque.
They both leave with the blonde looking adoringly at her new fiance.
A few days later, the jeweller phones the old man.
'Erm, this is a little embarassing sir, but your cheque seems to have bounced'
'Oh, has it?' syas the old guy 'Oh well, never mind, you better keep the ring.
'You don't sound too bothered sir, what about your fiance?'
'Oh I'm not bothered, I've just had the best weekend of my life!'

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A nedette (transl. Scottish female chav) is in labour and dials 999 for an ambulance. The operator says, "Are you sure this is an emergency? Do you really need an ambulance?" "Aye, ma ****kin' waters have broke." "Sorry, I didn't realise," Replies the operator "Where are you ringing from?" "Where do you think? From ma fanny tae ma feet!" replies the nedette.