Today's Joke

Old Mar 14th 2010, 9:43 am
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Default Today's Joke

As explained by Cliff Clavin,of Cheers.

One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.
Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
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Old Mar 14th 2010, 10:02 am
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Karma sent
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Old Mar 14th 2010, 10:10 am
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A Biker walks into a bar, he takes a seat at the bar and growls: "Bartender! Get me a drink!" The bartender obliges, and the biker downs the drink. Slamming the glass down on the bar, he growls:

"Bartender! Get me another!" The bartender pours him another drink. After a few more rounds, the bartender attempts some conversation:

"Sir, he says, it seems that you're visibly upset. What's the problem?"

The biker looks at him and snorts:

"I just went home and caught my ol' lady screwing my best friend!"

"Oh man," says the bartender, "that's rough... What did you do?"

The biker says: "Well, I grabbed her by the hair, threw her out nekkid, threw her clothes out after her, and told her never EVER to come back."

"Wow," says the bartender in awe: "That's tough man, what did you do to your friend?"

"Well," says the biker, "I marched right back upstairs, I grabbed HIM by the scruff of the neck, and I said: BAD DOG."
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Old Mar 14th 2010, 10:12 am
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Maybe that should be in the other thread...?
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Old Mar 14th 2010, 10:26 am
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And keeping up the animal theme, my all-time favourite joke:

A man walks into the clubhouse cut, bleeding, bruised and with a 7-iron wrapped around his head. The barman asks, “Whatever happened to you?”

“Well”, says the man, “I was having a round with my wife, and all was going well till we got to the 14th. You know, the one with the out of bounds to the right, next to the farmer’s field. It was my honour, and I hit a fairly decent one down the middle. But my wife sliced her’s really badly, and it flew at a rare old speed of knots into the farmer’s field. She was determined to find it, so we both clambered over the fence and started looking. There were cowpats everywhere, long grass, bushes—it was going to be tough. Then I saw this cow acting a bit odd—sorta looked in pain with its tail raised like it was about to take a dump. So I approached it gingerly, from behind, and there, wedged in its fanny, I could just about see a golf ball. So I carefully grabbed hold of its tail, pointed to the ball, and shouted to my wife: “Hey dear, this looks like yours””.
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Old Mar 14th 2010, 10:30 am
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OK, sticking to the husband and wife theme:

A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me acompliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
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Old Mar 14th 2010, 10:47 am
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Not husband and wife but keeping it in the family:

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar enjoying a drink after a hard day working away from home.
“You know,” said the Scotsman, “I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow there’s a wee bar called McManus’. The landlord there really knows how to look after the regulars. After you’ve bought 4 drinks, he will buy the 5th drink for you.”

“Reminds me of my old local, the Black Horse,” said the Englishman, “the guvnor there always gave me my third drink free.”

“That’s nothing,” said the Irishman. “Back home in Dublin there’s O’Malley’s Bar. As soon as you get through the door they’ll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you’ve had plenty of drinks, they’ll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house.”

“Fantastic,” said the Englishman, “and this actually happen to you?”

“Not me, personally, no,” said the Irishman “but it did happen to my sister!”
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Old Mar 14th 2010, 10:50 am
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And back to animals...

Paddy and his two friends, Bill and Simon, are talking at a bar.

Bill says: “I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician.”
“What makes you think that?” asks Paddy.

“Well the other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren’t mine.”

Simon then says: “Same with me! I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber.”

“The other day I found a wrench under the bed and that wasn’t mine.”

“That’s all three of us then,” says Paddy: “I think my wife is having an affair with a horse.”

Bill and Simon look at him with utter disbelief.

“No, I’m serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed.”
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Old Mar 14th 2010, 11:09 am
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Default Re: Today's Joke

And back to husband and wife:

I met a man who had been married for 66 years. "Amazing. 66 years!" I said. "What's the secret to such a long, happy marriage?"

"Well," he replied, "It's like this. The man makes all the big decisions... and the woman just makes the little decisions."

"Really?" I responded. "Does that really work?"

"Oh, yes," he said proudly. "66 years, and so far, not one big decision!"
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Old Mar 14th 2010, 11:11 am
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Default Re: Today's Joke

And definitely the last one for today...

Q. How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A. The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

Q. How can you tell if your husband is dead?
A. The sex is the same but you get to use the remote.
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Old Mar 14th 2010, 1:08 pm
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Default Re: Today's Joke

Originally Posted by Bahtatboy View Post
And definitely the last one for today...



Q. How can you tell if your husband is dead?
A. The sex is the same but you get to use the remote.
surely it will be different...he stays stiffer longer
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Old Mar 14th 2010, 2:05 pm
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Default Re: Today's Joke

Originally Posted by Patsy Stoned View Post
surely it will be different...he stays stiffer longer
Eeewww

karma given
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Old Mar 14th 2010, 2:59 pm
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Default Re: Today's Joke

Originally Posted by ctfc View Post
Eeewww

karma given
TA
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