Specialised corporate training programs (S.H.I.T)
May 15th 2008, 3:25 pm
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Specialised corporate training programs (S.H.I.T)
Just received this from one of my friends to lighten me up. It has
Memo to all staff
In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING ( S.H.I.T ).
We are trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T than anyone else. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T on the course, please see your supervisor. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T list and our supervisors are especially skilled at seeing you get all the S.H.I.T you can handle.
Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS ( D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T ).
Those who fail to take D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING ( E.A.T.S.H.I.T ). Since our supervisors took S.H.I.T before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T already. If you are full of S.H.I.T you may be interested in a job teaching others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LIST of LEADERS ( B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T ).
For employees who are intending to pursue a career in management and consulting, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIAL OPERATIONAL RESEARCH EDUCATION ( M.O.R.E.S.H.I.T ). This course emphasizes how to manage M.O.R.E.S.H.I.T.
If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TEACHING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING ( H.O.T.S.H.I.T ).
Thank you,
BOSS IN GENERAL, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
( B.I.G.S.H.I.T )
Subject: Re: Special High Intensity Training PLUS WHAT MAKES 100%
After you have gone through SHIT, please be sure to be a 100%.
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these
questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that while Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the BULLSHIT and ASS KISSING will put you over the top.
Memo to all staff
In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING ( S.H.I.T ).
We are trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T than anyone else. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T on the course, please see your supervisor. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T list and our supervisors are especially skilled at seeing you get all the S.H.I.T you can handle.
Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS ( D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T ).
Those who fail to take D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING ( E.A.T.S.H.I.T ). Since our supervisors took S.H.I.T before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T already. If you are full of S.H.I.T you may be interested in a job teaching others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LIST of LEADERS ( B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T ).
For employees who are intending to pursue a career in management and consulting, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIAL OPERATIONAL RESEARCH EDUCATION ( M.O.R.E.S.H.I.T ). This course emphasizes how to manage M.O.R.E.S.H.I.T.
If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TEACHING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING ( H.O.T.S.H.I.T ).
Thank you,
BOSS IN GENERAL, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
( B.I.G.S.H.I.T )
Subject: Re: Special High Intensity Training PLUS WHAT MAKES 100%
After you have gone through SHIT, please be sure to be a 100%.
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these
questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that while Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the BULLSHIT and ASS KISSING will put you over the top.
