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Report: U.S. Foreign Policy Hurting American Students

Report: U.S. Foreign Policy Hurting American Students

Old Mar 9th 2008, 12:46 pm
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Default Report: U.S. Foreign Policy Hurting American Students

AMSTERDAM—American students traveling abroad confirm the findings of a study indicating that Washington's unilateral approach to foreign policy has seriously undermined Americans' chances of getting laid.

"I've been in Amsterdam for two months and have yet to begin a conversation with a cute girl that hasn't ended in a lecture about how big, evil America is taking everyone's oil," said college sophomore Brad Higgs, a participant in Johns Hopkins University's study-abroad program. "I offer to buy them a drink, and they tell me I shouldn't just stand by and watch Bush destroy the world. Look, if I had that type of pull with the president, I obviously wouldn't be out trolling for anonymous Dutch pussy."

The report, released Monday by the Center For U.S.-International Casual Relations, was based on interviews with approximately 1,400 American students returning from abroad. According to study director Gilbert Hapbrook, sexual contact between American students and foreigners has declined steadily since January 2001.

"Unpopular military actions and dismissal of international organizations have galvanized world hostility toward the U.S.," Hapbrook said. "Instead of being inundated with questions about Hollywood and requests to help hot young foreigners practice their English, Americans are being openly scorned in European pubs and cafes. Data taken from a poll of students in December 2004 showed that only a dismal 11 percent had achieved sexual congress with a non-American."

Hapbrook said the 2004 overseas-coitus figures show a slight recovery from the all-time low reached in November 2002, after the Afghanistan invasion and during escalating conflict with Iraq. But the figures are still well below those of 1999, when Bill Clinton was in office and a very healthy 67 percent of respondents scored abroad.

"I'm in Amsterdam—Amsterdam, for Christ's sake—and I'm in the middle of the longest dry spell I can remember," Higgs said. "Last week, I was making out with this Italian girl at a concert. It was all going great until the music ended and she heard my American accent. I swear to God, I went from the cusp of a hand job to, 'Why won't your country sign the Kyoto Treaty?'"

University of Colorado junior Casey Knight recently arrived in Amsterdam after a month in Germany.

"I asked a group of German girls at some Eurotrash disco to dance and they started yelling at me," Knight said. "They said that by paying taxes to the American government, I am no better than a fascist. Well, they would know, I guess."

Even students who actively oppose President Bush are susceptible to criticism, according to Emily Biehn, a Duke University student spending her spring semester in Paris.

"I voted for Kerry and I marched against the Iraq war," Biehn said. "But when I got to Europe, I might as well have been wearing a Bush bumper sticker on my forehead and star-spangled cowboy boots. As soon as the French guys hear I am from the U.S., all they want to do is argue politics."

"And switching tactics and acting like you're totally apathetic about politics just pisses them off even more," Biehn added.

Acknowledging that a large-scale change in American foreign policy is unlikely to occur before the end of the current semester, Hapbrook recommended three tactics for American students frustrated in their attempts to bed foreigners.

"First, pretend you're Canadian whenever you can," Hapbrook said. "But make sure you're not around actual Canadians, because they'll know you're lying and cock-block you. Second, if there are any anti-American protests going on, take care to avoid women carrying signs. Third, focus your itinerary on countries like Ireland and Japan that are still relatively friendly to Americans."

"You may want to write off France altogether," Hapbrook added.

Hapbrook said he developed his tactics in 1983, when the American government was practicing hardline Cold War foreign policy and he was spending his junior year abroad.

Higgs, who spends most of his time in his hostel playing solitaire and watching DVDs on his laptop computer, urged students back home to write to their congressional representatives.

"This affects all of us," Higgs said. "The government has to acknowledge the needs of young Americans. Too many U.S. citizens in foreign lands are spending sleepless, lonely nights jerking off in increasingly filthy sleeping bags. It sucks."
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Old Mar 9th 2008, 1:22 pm
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Default Re: Report: U.S. Foreign Policy Hurting American Students

wow...who would have ever thought a student would let principles get in the way of a shag...

MM, xx
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Old Mar 10th 2008, 7:22 am
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Default Re: Report: U.S. Foreign Policy Hurting American Students

onion?
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Old Mar 10th 2008, 7:30 am
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Default Re: Report: U.S. Foreign Policy Hurting American Students

Originally Posted by jvr20 View Post
onion?
Got it in one... makes a change from times/gruniad/indie
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Old Mar 10th 2008, 7:32 am
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Default Re: Report: U.S. Foreign Policy Hurting American Students

Originally Posted by jvr20 View Post
onion?
Please explain to the uninitiated...
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Old Mar 10th 2008, 8:10 am
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Default Re: Report: U.S. Foreign Policy Hurting American Students

Originally Posted by shakh your bootie View Post
Got it in one... makes a change from times/gruniad/indie
no prizes for guessing though! the style is unmistakeable.

LH, www.theonion.com is a brilliant (though somewhat US-centric) satirical 'news' site. I believe it started as a written fake publication, but I've only ever seen the online version.

Haven't read it in at least a year though, must see if I can access it at work.

I have a feeling that article was written by the same guy who wrote the 'Point-Counterpoint' colum piece years ago on a similar subject - the point was something like "European men are so much more romantic than American men" written from the pov of an American student who is picked up by everyone she speaks to on a tour of Europe... the counterpoint was something like "American college girls vacationing in Europe are so unbelievably easy", from the pov of a Greek/Italian(?) guy who tries his luck, always with success, on American chicks and impressing them with his local 'knowledge' like taking them to dives to eat out (she thinks it's the real heart of the city, untouched by tourists and a breath of fresh air from eating in MacD's or whatever - but in fact the reason it's empty is that it's so filthy that even the local cops don't eat there!)
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