British Expats - THE NINE DRINKERS OF BRITAIN...

THE government stepped up its battle against alcohol abuse yesterday by dividing drinkers into nine different types of marketing bollocks.

Ministers believe Britain's alcohol problem is now so acute they can no longer avoid drawing up a detailed list and giving it to the papers.

The new alcoholic labelling system includes 'Giggly Office Bike', 'Rugby Arse' and 'Norm from Cheers'.

Public health minister Dawn Primarolo said: "By dividing society into nine types of bollocks we hope to make everyone think they have a drink problem. The truth is, you don't know why you drink so much."

'Rugby Arse' Drinks heavily because he's six foot eight, 24 years-old and his hangovers consist of having a slightly dry tongue for about 20 minutes. Is settled in for a nice, long session, if that's alright with you.

'Story Guy' Has loads of stories. Never stops with the stories. Never listens to anyone else's stories. Just waits for them to finish so he can start another one of his stories. Twat.

'Giggly Office Bike' Drinks to bond with her colleagues. Bonding takes place in a cubicle in the gents' bogs, or her pokey flat if she's feeling romantic. Has bonded with everybody apart from that guy in sales who looks like Jonathan King.

'Mr Grumpy Chops' A light aircraft carrying his wife and her secret lover has recently crashed into his uninsured business. Is a tad upset and would very much like to spend the next two years in an alcoholic haze, thanks.

'Norm from Cheers' Spends most of his life in the pub because he really likes it, that's where his friends are and he isn't bothering anyone else. Would like to ask Dawn Primarolo what her ****ing problem is.

'Whisky Guy' Has seen things that would turn your hair white. Can't look at himself in the mirror. Haunted by the ghosts of his troubled youth. Assistant manager at Specsavers.

'Big Sheila' Chunky, bouncy girl who drinks cider and knows more cock jokes than a dirty pirate. Everyone thinks of her as a cuddly big sister without seeing the sex-famished lunatic lurking just millimetres below the surface.

'Quiz Guy' Treats every conversation as if it's a pub quiz. To give him his due, he knows a lot of stuff and would have got past the first round of Mastermind but for the fact he only scored six points, including the specialised subject.

'Everybody Else' Enjoys a drink and is fully aware of all the possible consequences. Reckons as long as the NHS is funded by their tax money, they'll do whatever they want and Dawn Primarolo can shut her ****ing face.

So, which category do you fit into?????