The Morning Joke Thread
Oct 25th 2015, 5:03 pm
#1
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The Morning Joke Thread
Ok Im bored and I hate the news and I like reading long jokes every morning so lets start each day with a great joke....or 10...whatever! the more the merrier I guess!
A lawyer gets home after a long trial in which it was decided his client-Mr Wright-would be hanged later that night. He is greeted at the door by his wife. "You're home late. And you're tracking mud all over the place...For gods sake, take off your shoes!" "Look, I've had a hard day at work, can you just leave me alone?" After some mumbling from his wife, the lawyer walks upstairs to take a bath. A while later, the phone rings, and the wife answers, to be greeted by her husbands boss, who explains that due to the appearance of new evidence, Mr Wright isn't going to be hanged that night. Realizing what a hard day her husband must have had, she goes upstairs to tell her husband the news, she opens the bathroom door to see her husband bending over drying his feet, balls dangling between his legs. "They're not hanging Wright tonight" "GOD DAMN IT WOMAN, CAN YOU JUST STOP CRITICIZING ME FOR ONE MINUTE!?"
A lawyer gets home after a long trial in which it was decided his client-Mr Wright-would be hanged later that night. He is greeted at the door by his wife. "You're home late. And you're tracking mud all over the place...For gods sake, take off your shoes!" "Look, I've had a hard day at work, can you just leave me alone?" After some mumbling from his wife, the lawyer walks upstairs to take a bath. A while later, the phone rings, and the wife answers, to be greeted by her husbands boss, who explains that due to the appearance of new evidence, Mr Wright isn't going to be hanged that night. Realizing what a hard day her husband must have had, she goes upstairs to tell her husband the news, she opens the bathroom door to see her husband bending over drying his feet, balls dangling between his legs. "They're not hanging Wright tonight" "GOD DAMN IT WOMAN, CAN YOU JUST STOP CRITICIZING ME FOR ONE MINUTE!?"
Oct 26th 2015, 8:42 am
#2
Go on.. Pull my finger..
Joined: Jul 2008
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Re: The Morning Joke Thread
One of my all time favourites...
A fly flies repeatedly back and forth over a river. A fish sees it and thinks "If that fly drops 5 inches, I can jump and get the fly... Lunch!!"
A bear is watching the fish watching the fly and thinks to himself "If that fly drops 5 inches, the fish will jump for the fly, and then Ill jump and get the fish... Lunch!!"
A hunter with a cheese sandwich in his pocket sees the bear, watching the fish watching the fly, and thinks to himself "If that fly drops 5 inches, the fish will jump for the fly, then the bear will jump for the fish and Ill then shoot the bear... Lunch!!"
A mouse sees the hunter with a cheese sandwich in his pocket watching the bear, watching the fish, watching the fly, and thinks to himself "If that fly drops 5 inches, the fish will jump for the fly, then the bear will jump for the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear and, as he jumps up, the cheese sandwich drops out of his pocket, and Ill get the sandwich... Lunch!!"
A cat sees the mouse, watching the hunter with a cheese sandwich in his pocket, watching the bear, watching the fish, watching the fly, and thinks to himself "If that fly drops 5 inches, the fish will jump for the fly, then the bear will jump for the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear and, as he jumps up, the cheese sandwich drops out of his pocket, the mouse makes a grab for the sandwich then I leap for the mouse... Lunch!!"
So........
The fly drops, the fish jumps, the bear goes for it, the hunter shoots, the sandwich falls, the mouse goes for it, and the cat jumps, but he misses and goes into the water.
The moral of the story: when the fly drops five inches, the pussy gets wet.
A fly flies repeatedly back and forth over a river. A fish sees it and thinks "If that fly drops 5 inches, I can jump and get the fly... Lunch!!"
A bear is watching the fish watching the fly and thinks to himself "If that fly drops 5 inches, the fish will jump for the fly, and then Ill jump and get the fish... Lunch!!"
A hunter with a cheese sandwich in his pocket sees the bear, watching the fish watching the fly, and thinks to himself "If that fly drops 5 inches, the fish will jump for the fly, then the bear will jump for the fish and Ill then shoot the bear... Lunch!!"
A mouse sees the hunter with a cheese sandwich in his pocket watching the bear, watching the fish, watching the fly, and thinks to himself "If that fly drops 5 inches, the fish will jump for the fly, then the bear will jump for the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear and, as he jumps up, the cheese sandwich drops out of his pocket, and Ill get the sandwich... Lunch!!"
A cat sees the mouse, watching the hunter with a cheese sandwich in his pocket, watching the bear, watching the fish, watching the fly, and thinks to himself "If that fly drops 5 inches, the fish will jump for the fly, then the bear will jump for the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear and, as he jumps up, the cheese sandwich drops out of his pocket, the mouse makes a grab for the sandwich then I leap for the mouse... Lunch!!"
So........
The fly drops, the fish jumps, the bear goes for it, the hunter shoots, the sandwich falls, the mouse goes for it, and the cat jumps, but he misses and goes into the water.
The moral of the story: when the fly drops five inches, the pussy gets wet.
Oct 27th 2015, 7:26 am
#3
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Re: The Morning Joke Thread
A businessman goes to Las Vegas and he gambles away the shirt off his back. All he has left is the second part of plane ticket. So he goes to a taxi and asks him if he can take him to the airport. He offers his credit card number, phone number, everything, but the Taxi driver said that if he doesn't have $15, he should the hell out. The businessman gets out while being insulted and barely catches his plane by hitchhiking.
A year later after earning back his lost income, the businessman goes back to Las Vegas and wins big. When he's about to go back to the airport, he sees the taxi driver who rejected him when he was down on his luck. So, he devises a revenge plan. The taxi driver is in the back of a long line of other taxis. The businessman goes in the front taxi and says, "How much to get to the airport?" The driver responds, "$15." The businessman then asks, "And how much for oral sex?" The taxi driver yells, "Get the hell out!" The businessman asks the same questions and gets the same answers for all the taxis. When he finally gets to the last taxi with the driver who rejected him when he was down on his luck, he asks, "How much for a ride to the airport?" The driver responds, "$15." That was all. So he pays and as they slowly drive past the other taxis on the way. The businessman looks out the window with a big smile and a thumbs up to all the staring colleagues of the taxi driver
A year later after earning back his lost income, the businessman goes back to Las Vegas and wins big. When he's about to go back to the airport, he sees the taxi driver who rejected him when he was down on his luck. So, he devises a revenge plan. The taxi driver is in the back of a long line of other taxis. The businessman goes in the front taxi and says, "How much to get to the airport?" The driver responds, "$15." The businessman then asks, "And how much for oral sex?" The taxi driver yells, "Get the hell out!" The businessman asks the same questions and gets the same answers for all the taxis. When he finally gets to the last taxi with the driver who rejected him when he was down on his luck, he asks, "How much for a ride to the airport?" The driver responds, "$15." That was all. So he pays and as they slowly drive past the other taxis on the way. The businessman looks out the window with a big smile and a thumbs up to all the staring colleagues of the taxi driver
Oct 28th 2015, 9:11 am
#4
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Re: The Morning Joke Thread
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump.
I said, "Don't do it!"
He said, "Nobody loves me."
I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"
He said, "Yes."
I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?"
He said, "A Christian."
I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?"
He said, "Protestant."
I said, "Me, too! What franchise?"
He said, "Baptist."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Baptist."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region."
I said, "Me, too!" Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912."
I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.
I said, "Don't do it!"
He said, "Nobody loves me."
I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"
He said, "Yes."
I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?"
He said, "A Christian."
I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?"
He said, "Protestant."
I said, "Me, too! What franchise?"
He said, "Baptist."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Baptist."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region."
I said, "Me, too!" Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912."
I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.
Oct 28th 2015, 3:54 pm
#5
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Re: The Morning Joke Thread
An atheist dies, and immediately goes straight to hell. A figure suddenly appears and the atheist immediately recognizes the being as Satan.
Satan puts his arm around the atheist and welcomes him with a big smile and a glass of fine scotch. Satan invites the atheist on a personal tour of hell.
On the tour our newly departed is shown the 5-star hotel, the 36-hole PGA style golf course, the activity center, the SPA, the Wine Cellar, everything. The atheist can't believe his eyes.
"So this hell thing isn't really as bad as its reputation, I take it?"
Satan sighs and says "Yeah, we get that a lot. I mean, heaven's hotel is WAY better, sure, but other than that, afterlife down here is pretty good."
So they keep exploring and after a long while they come to a cliff's edge. They stop to allow the atheist to peer over the edge. Below, he sees a lake of fire, and people in agony being tortured and thrown into it over and over.
"Yikes! What's this all about?"
"Oh, that's for the Monotheists. They insisted their area be like this."
Satan puts his arm around the atheist and welcomes him with a big smile and a glass of fine scotch. Satan invites the atheist on a personal tour of hell.
On the tour our newly departed is shown the 5-star hotel, the 36-hole PGA style golf course, the activity center, the SPA, the Wine Cellar, everything. The atheist can't believe his eyes.
"So this hell thing isn't really as bad as its reputation, I take it?"
Satan sighs and says "Yeah, we get that a lot. I mean, heaven's hotel is WAY better, sure, but other than that, afterlife down here is pretty good."
So they keep exploring and after a long while they come to a cliff's edge. They stop to allow the atheist to peer over the edge. Below, he sees a lake of fire, and people in agony being tortured and thrown into it over and over.
"Yikes! What's this all about?"
"Oh, that's for the Monotheists. They insisted their area be like this."
Oct 29th 2015, 5:31 am
#6
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Re: The Morning Joke Thread
Q: What's the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit?
A: A zit waits until you're a teenager before it squirts on your face!
A: A zit waits until you're a teenager before it squirts on your face!
Oct 29th 2015, 7:40 am
#7
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Re: The Morning Joke Thread
I used to date a girl with great curves,but she was a little homely, hell you could say she was ugly. She was so ugly,I took her to the beach and gave her a shell to hear the ocean, and she heard "get the f** off the beach! You're scaring the seagulls"
Oct 31st 2015, 12:18 pm
#8
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Re: The Morning Joke Thread
Funny (warning keep the volume low)
http://youtu.be/GtTMjEbKk5I
http://youtu.be/GtTMjEbKk5I
Nov 1st 2015, 6:41 am
#9
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Re: The Morning Joke Thread
A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
Nov 4th 2015, 7:31 am
#10
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Re: The Morning Joke Thread
A boy was on his way to school when he saw the words purple passion written on a wall. He had no idea what they meant, so when he got to school and the teacher asked if there were any questions, he raised his hand. When he was called upon he asked ,"What is purple passion?" His teacher screamed at him to go to the principal.
The principal asked him why he was there and he said "When I was on my way to school today, I saw some words written on a wall and I didn't know what they meant so when the teacher asked if there were any questions I asked her what they meant and she yelled at me and sent me here." "What are the words," the principal asked. "Purple passion," replied the boy. The principal freaked out and expelled him and told him to get out of the school.
At home is mother asked him why he had been expelled, and he said "When I was on my way to school today, I saw some words written on a wall and I didn't know what they meant so when the teacher asked if there were any questions I asked her what they meant and she yelled at me and sent me to the principals office. When I got there he asked me what had happened and I told him everything and he asked me what the words were and when I told him he freaked out and expelled me." "What are the words," his mother asked. "Purple passion," he said. His mom turned red and yelled at him to go up to his room and wait for his father.
When his dad got home he said to the boy,"So I hear you got into a lot of trouble today. Tell me what happened." So the boy said," When I was on my way to school today, I saw some words written on a wall and I didn't know what they meant so when the teacher asked if there were any questions I asked her what they meant and she yelled at me and sent me to the principals office. When I got there he asked me what had happened and I told him everything and he asked me what the words were and when I told him he freaked out and expelled me. When I got home mom asked me what had happened and I told her everything and she asked me what the words were. When I told her she sent me up here to wait for you. "Well, son, what are the words?" "Purple passion."the boy replied. His father exploded and kicked him out of the house.
As he was wandering around he ran into some friends. They said, "What's going on, man? We heard you got expelled and your dad kicked you out." So the boy said," When I was on my way to school today, I saw some words written on a wall and I didn't know what they meant so when the teacher asked if there were any questions I asked her what they meant and she yelled at me and sent me to the principals office. When I got there he asked me what had happened and I told him everything and he asked me what the words were and when I told him he freaked out and expelled me. When I got home my mom asked me what had happened and I told her everything and she asked me what the words were. When I told her she sent me up to my room to wait for my dad. He asked me what happened and after I told him everything he asked me the words and when I told him he kicked me out." "Wow, what are the words?" his friends asked. "Purple passion,"he replied. All of his friends jumped him and started beating him up until a bum came by and scared them off.
The bum said,"I just saved your life. Tell me why they were all beating you up." The boy said," When I was on my way to school today, I saw some words written on a wall and I didn't know what they meant so when the teacher asked if there were any questions I asked her what they meant and she yelled at me and sent me to the principals office. When I got there he asked me what had happened and I told him everything and he asked me what the words were and when I told him he freaked out and expelled me. When I got home my mom asked me what had happened and I told her everything and she asked me what the words were. When I told her she sent me up to my room to wait for my dad. He asked me what happened and after I told him everything he asked me the words and when I told him he kicked me out. I ran into my friends and they asked me why I had been expelled and kicked out of my house and I told them everything and then they asked what the words were. When I told them, they beat me up." "So what are the words," the bum asked. "I don't know if I should say" "Come on I just saved your life, don't be ungrateful,"the man remarked. "Okay, okay. The words were purple passion." The bum freaks out and starts beating the boy up until a cop comes along and breaks it up.
The cop asks the boy what happened. The boy says," When I was on my way to school today, I saw some words written on a wall and I didn't know what they meant so when the teacher asked if there were any questions I asked her what they meant and she yelled at me and sent me to the principals office. When I got there he asked me what had happened and I told him everything and he asked me what the words were and when I told him he freaked out and expelled me. When I got home my mom asked me what had happened and I told her everything and she asked me what the words were. When I told her she sent me up to my room to wait for my dad. He asked me what happened and after I told him everything he asked me the words and when I told him he kicked me out. I ran into my friends and they asked me why I had been expelled and kicked out of my house and I told them everything and then they asked what the words were. When I told them, they beat me up. The bum came by and scared them off, he then asked me what had happened and I told him everything. Then he asked what the words were and when I told him he began beating me up." The cop said,"What were the words?" The boy replied,"Purple passion." "The cop put the boy into hand cuffs, beat him up, and took him to jail.
The next day the boy appeared before a judge. The judge asked him for his story. The boy said," When I was on my way to school yesterday, I saw some words written on a wall and I didn't know what they meant so when the teacher asked if there were any questions I asked her what they meant and she yelled at me and sent me to the principals office. When I got there he asked me what had happened and I told him everything and he asked me what the words were and when I told him he freaked out and expelled me. When I got home my mom asked me what had happened and I told her everything and she asked me what the words were. When I told her she sent me up to my room to wait for my dad. He asked me what happened and after I told him everything he asked me the words and when I told him he kicked me out. I ran into my friends and they asked me why I had been expelled and kicked out of my house and I told them everything and then they asked what the words were. When I told them, they beat me up. The bum came by and scared them off, he then asked me what had happened and I told him everything. Then he asked what the words were and when I told him he began beating me up. Then a cop came by and broke it up and after explaining the story to him he asked what the words were and when I told him he handcuffed me and took me to jail."
The judge said,"What were the words?" The boy said, "Haven't you been paying any attention? I'm not going to tell you." The judge informed him that he would get into more trouble if he didn't just say the words so he said, "Purple passion." The judge was appalled and sentenced him to ten years in jail.
Everyone was curious about their new cell mate, so they asked him what he was in for and he said,"When I was on my way to school one day, I saw some words written on a wall and I didn't know what they meant so when the teacher asked if there were any questions I asked her what they meant and she yelled at me and sent me to the principals office. When I got there he asked me what had happened and I told him everything and he asked me what the words were and when I told him he freaked out and expelled me. When I got home my mom asked me what had happened and I told her everything and she asked me what the words were. When I told her she sent me up to my room to wait for my dad. He asked me what happened and after I told him everything he asked me the words and when I told him he kicked me out. I ran into my friends and they asked me why I had been expelled and kicked out of my house and I told them everything and then they asked what the words were. When I told them, they beat me up. The bum came by and scared them off, he then asked me what had happened and I told him everything. Then he asked what the words were and when I told him he began beating me up. Then a cop came by and broke it up and after explaining the story to him he asked what the words were and when I told him he handcuffed me and took me to jail. The next day I had to go to court and the judge asked me what happened and I told him everything and then he asked me the words and when I told him he gave me ten years."
Everyone was amazed at the story and asked what the words were. Sighing deeply the boy said,"Purple passion. He spent the next ten years getting beat up.
The day he was released he met a beautiful woman. She said,"You look like you've had a very rough time. What happened?" So the man said,"When I was on my way to school one day, I saw some words written on a wall and I didn't know what they meant so when the teacher asked if there were any questions I asked her what they meant and she yelled at me and sent me to the principals office. When I got there he asked me what had happened and I told him everything and he asked me what the words were and when I told him he freaked out and expelled me. When I got home my mom asked me what had happened and I told her everything and she asked me what the words were. When I told her she sent me up to my room to wait for my dad. He asked me what happened and after I told him everything he asked me the words and when I told him he kicked me out. I ran into my friends and they asked me why I had been expelled and kicked out of my house and I told them everything and then they asked what the words were. When I told them, they beat me up. The bum came by and scared them off, he then asked me what had happened and I told him everything. Then he asked what the words were and when I told him he began beating me up. Then a cop came by and broke it up and after explaining the story to him he asked what the words were and when I told him he handcuffed me and took me to jail. The next day I had to go to court and the judge asked me what happened and I told him everything and then he asked me the words and when I told him he gave me ten years. All of my cell mates asked me what the words were and I just sighed and told them. I have spent the last ten years getting beat up."
"Oh that is just awful!" the woman exclaimed. "What were the words?" "Do you think I'm stupid!" exploded the man. "I'm not going to tell you the words." "Oh come on," the woman cooed. "I won't do anything to you." "Oh, alright. The words were purple passion." "Purple passion?"asked the woman with her eyes lit up. "Yes,"the man replied. "You see that hotel across the street? If you meet me there in one hour I will tell you the meaning of purple passion."
The man was estatic. He was finally going to learn what purple passion meant after all of this time. Once the hour was up, he set off for across the street in a hurry. As he stepped off the curb, he was hit by a bus.
The moral of the story: Look both ways before crossing the street.
The principal asked him why he was there and he said "When I was on my way to school today, I saw some words written on a wall and I didn't know what they meant so when the teacher asked if there were any questions I asked her what they meant and she yelled at me and sent me here." "What are the words," the principal asked. "Purple passion," replied the boy. The principal freaked out and expelled him and told him to get out of the school.
At home is mother asked him why he had been expelled, and he said "When I was on my way to school today, I saw some words written on a wall and I didn't know what they meant so when the teacher asked if there were any questions I asked her what they meant and she yelled at me and sent me to the principals office. When I got there he asked me what had happened and I told him everything and he asked me what the words were and when I told him he freaked out and expelled me." "What are the words," his mother asked. "Purple passion," he said. His mom turned red and yelled at him to go up to his room and wait for his father.
When his dad got home he said to the boy,"So I hear you got into a lot of trouble today. Tell me what happened." So the boy said," When I was on my way to school today, I saw some words written on a wall and I didn't know what they meant so when the teacher asked if there were any questions I asked her what they meant and she yelled at me and sent me to the principals office. When I got there he asked me what had happened and I told him everything and he asked me what the words were and when I told him he freaked out and expelled me. When I got home mom asked me what had happened and I told her everything and she asked me what the words were. When I told her she sent me up here to wait for you. "Well, son, what are the words?" "Purple passion."the boy replied. His father exploded and kicked him out of the house.
As he was wandering around he ran into some friends. They said, "What's going on, man? We heard you got expelled and your dad kicked you out." So the boy said," When I was on my way to school today, I saw some words written on a wall and I didn't know what they meant so when the teacher asked if there were any questions I asked her what they meant and she yelled at me and sent me to the principals office. When I got there he asked me what had happened and I told him everything and he asked me what the words were and when I told him he freaked out and expelled me. When I got home my mom asked me what had happened and I told her everything and she asked me what the words were. When I told her she sent me up to my room to wait for my dad. He asked me what happened and after I told him everything he asked me the words and when I told him he kicked me out." "Wow, what are the words?" his friends asked. "Purple passion,"he replied. All of his friends jumped him and started beating him up until a bum came by and scared them off.
The bum said,"I just saved your life. Tell me why they were all beating you up." The boy said," When I was on my way to school today, I saw some words written on a wall and I didn't know what they meant so when the teacher asked if there were any questions I asked her what they meant and she yelled at me and sent me to the principals office. When I got there he asked me what had happened and I told him everything and he asked me what the words were and when I told him he freaked out and expelled me. When I got home my mom asked me what had happened and I told her everything and she asked me what the words were. When I told her she sent me up to my room to wait for my dad. He asked me what happened and after I told him everything he asked me the words and when I told him he kicked me out. I ran into my friends and they asked me why I had been expelled and kicked out of my house and I told them everything and then they asked what the words were. When I told them, they beat me up." "So what are the words," the bum asked. "I don't know if I should say" "Come on I just saved your life, don't be ungrateful,"the man remarked. "Okay, okay. The words were purple passion." The bum freaks out and starts beating the boy up until a cop comes along and breaks it up.
The cop asks the boy what happened. The boy says," When I was on my way to school today, I saw some words written on a wall and I didn't know what they meant so when the teacher asked if there were any questions I asked her what they meant and she yelled at me and sent me to the principals office. When I got there he asked me what had happened and I told him everything and he asked me what the words were and when I told him he freaked out and expelled me. When I got home my mom asked me what had happened and I told her everything and she asked me what the words were. When I told her she sent me up to my room to wait for my dad. He asked me what happened and after I told him everything he asked me the words and when I told him he kicked me out. I ran into my friends and they asked me why I had been expelled and kicked out of my house and I told them everything and then they asked what the words were. When I told them, they beat me up. The bum came by and scared them off, he then asked me what had happened and I told him everything. Then he asked what the words were and when I told him he began beating me up." The cop said,"What were the words?" The boy replied,"Purple passion." "The cop put the boy into hand cuffs, beat him up, and took him to jail.
The next day the boy appeared before a judge. The judge asked him for his story. The boy said," When I was on my way to school yesterday, I saw some words written on a wall and I didn't know what they meant so when the teacher asked if there were any questions I asked her what they meant and she yelled at me and sent me to the principals office. When I got there he asked me what had happened and I told him everything and he asked me what the words were and when I told him he freaked out and expelled me. When I got home my mom asked me what had happened and I told her everything and she asked me what the words were. When I told her she sent me up to my room to wait for my dad. He asked me what happened and after I told him everything he asked me the words and when I told him he kicked me out. I ran into my friends and they asked me why I had been expelled and kicked out of my house and I told them everything and then they asked what the words were. When I told them, they beat me up. The bum came by and scared them off, he then asked me what had happened and I told him everything. Then he asked what the words were and when I told him he began beating me up. Then a cop came by and broke it up and after explaining the story to him he asked what the words were and when I told him he handcuffed me and took me to jail."
The judge said,"What were the words?" The boy said, "Haven't you been paying any attention? I'm not going to tell you." The judge informed him that he would get into more trouble if he didn't just say the words so he said, "Purple passion." The judge was appalled and sentenced him to ten years in jail.
Everyone was curious about their new cell mate, so they asked him what he was in for and he said,"When I was on my way to school one day, I saw some words written on a wall and I didn't know what they meant so when the teacher asked if there were any questions I asked her what they meant and she yelled at me and sent me to the principals office. When I got there he asked me what had happened and I told him everything and he asked me what the words were and when I told him he freaked out and expelled me. When I got home my mom asked me what had happened and I told her everything and she asked me what the words were. When I told her she sent me up to my room to wait for my dad. He asked me what happened and after I told him everything he asked me the words and when I told him he kicked me out. I ran into my friends and they asked me why I had been expelled and kicked out of my house and I told them everything and then they asked what the words were. When I told them, they beat me up. The bum came by and scared them off, he then asked me what had happened and I told him everything. Then he asked what the words were and when I told him he began beating me up. Then a cop came by and broke it up and after explaining the story to him he asked what the words were and when I told him he handcuffed me and took me to jail. The next day I had to go to court and the judge asked me what happened and I told him everything and then he asked me the words and when I told him he gave me ten years."
Everyone was amazed at the story and asked what the words were. Sighing deeply the boy said,"Purple passion. He spent the next ten years getting beat up.
The day he was released he met a beautiful woman. She said,"You look like you've had a very rough time. What happened?" So the man said,"When I was on my way to school one day, I saw some words written on a wall and I didn't know what they meant so when the teacher asked if there were any questions I asked her what they meant and she yelled at me and sent me to the principals office. When I got there he asked me what had happened and I told him everything and he asked me what the words were and when I told him he freaked out and expelled me. When I got home my mom asked me what had happened and I told her everything and she asked me what the words were. When I told her she sent me up to my room to wait for my dad. He asked me what happened and after I told him everything he asked me the words and when I told him he kicked me out. I ran into my friends and they asked me why I had been expelled and kicked out of my house and I told them everything and then they asked what the words were. When I told them, they beat me up. The bum came by and scared them off, he then asked me what had happened and I told him everything. Then he asked what the words were and when I told him he began beating me up. Then a cop came by and broke it up and after explaining the story to him he asked what the words were and when I told him he handcuffed me and took me to jail. The next day I had to go to court and the judge asked me what happened and I told him everything and then he asked me the words and when I told him he gave me ten years. All of my cell mates asked me what the words were and I just sighed and told them. I have spent the last ten years getting beat up."
"Oh that is just awful!" the woman exclaimed. "What were the words?" "Do you think I'm stupid!" exploded the man. "I'm not going to tell you the words." "Oh come on," the woman cooed. "I won't do anything to you." "Oh, alright. The words were purple passion." "Purple passion?"asked the woman with her eyes lit up. "Yes,"the man replied. "You see that hotel across the street? If you meet me there in one hour I will tell you the meaning of purple passion."
The man was estatic. He was finally going to learn what purple passion meant after all of this time. Once the hour was up, he set off for across the street in a hurry. As he stepped off the curb, he was hit by a bus.
The moral of the story: Look both ways before crossing the street.
Nov 5th 2015, 3:12 pm
#11
"Insert witty title here"
Thread Starter
Joined: Nov 2012
Location: dxb
Posts: 2,251
Re: The Morning Joke Thread
Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way.
One day, Merv decided to invest his money in a small, but growing internet company. After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the dotted line he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him.
The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. At the end of the interview, Merv asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" And the gentleman answered, "Why yes, I couldn't help but notice you have no ears."
Merv got very angry and threw him out.
The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. He asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" and she replied, "Well, you have no ears."
Merv again was upset and tossed her out.
The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was with a very young man who was fresh out of college. He was smart. He was handsome and he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Merv was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question:
"Do you notice anything different about me?" And to his surprise, the young man answered, "Yes. You wear contact lenses." Merv was shocked, and said, "What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?"
"Well, it's pretty damn hard to wear glasses with no ears!"
One day, Merv decided to invest his money in a small, but growing internet company. After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the dotted line he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him.
The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. At the end of the interview, Merv asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" And the gentleman answered, "Why yes, I couldn't help but notice you have no ears."
Merv got very angry and threw him out.
The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. He asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" and she replied, "Well, you have no ears."
Merv again was upset and tossed her out.
The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was with a very young man who was fresh out of college. He was smart. He was handsome and he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Merv was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question:
"Do you notice anything different about me?" And to his surprise, the young man answered, "Yes. You wear contact lenses." Merv was shocked, and said, "What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?"
"Well, it's pretty damn hard to wear glasses with no ears!"
Nov 8th 2015, 1:34 pm
#12
"Insert witty title here"
Thread Starter
Joined: Nov 2012
Location: dxb
Posts: 2,251
Re: The Morning Joke Thread
Greek Joke Is The New Latvian Joke
two greek look at clouds.
one see democracy, other see impossible dream.
is same cloud.
two greek look at clouds.
one see euro. other see impossible dream.
is same cloud.
one day, man hear knock on door.
man ask "who is?"
"is moussaka man, i come around to give free moussaka"
man is very excite and opens door.
is not moussaka man, is debt collector.
greek comedian say “what deal with moussaka?”
greek crowd not laugh.
comedian squint into darkness, to see audience.
only see refugees standing, no one knows greek
what are one moussaka say other moussaka?
premise ridiculous. who have two moussaka?
man in island is search moussaka.
see one and happy.
turn out actually is rock.
is very starving so eat anyway.
such is life.
greek jokes funny.
man laugh.
then debt collector, government and bank come and take pension, bank account, and moussaka.
man sad again.
two greek look at clouds.
one see democracy, other see impossible dream.
is same cloud.
two greek look at clouds.
one see euro. other see impossible dream.
is same cloud.
one day, man hear knock on door.
man ask "who is?"
"is moussaka man, i come around to give free moussaka"
man is very excite and opens door.
is not moussaka man, is debt collector.
greek comedian say “what deal with moussaka?”
greek crowd not laugh.
comedian squint into darkness, to see audience.
only see refugees standing, no one knows greek
what are one moussaka say other moussaka?
premise ridiculous. who have two moussaka?
man in island is search moussaka.
see one and happy.
turn out actually is rock.
is very starving so eat anyway.
such is life.
greek jokes funny.
man laugh.
then debt collector, government and bank come and take pension, bank account, and moussaka.
man sad again.
Nov 10th 2015, 8:33 am
#13
"Insert witty title here"
Thread Starter
Joined: Nov 2012
Location: dxb
Posts: 2,251
Re: The Morning Joke Thread
A man and woman are very much in love, but their families do not want them to get married. So they decide to elope.
On their way to the Court they are blindsided by a truck and both are killed instantly. They are taken to the Pearly Gates where they meet Saint Peter.
Still determined to get married they ask Saint Peter if it would be possible to get married in heaven.
It was an unusual request, so Saint Peter tells them to wait, he will go check.
Three years pass, many people die, and finally Saint Peter returns.
"Yes," Peter tells them, "you can get married in heaven."
The man has spent the three years contemplating spending a literal eternity with this woman and is starting to have doubts. So he pulls Saint Peter aside.
"Hey," he says, "marriage is great and all, but what if it doesn't work out. Can I get a divorce?"
Peter looks at him, looks at the gates, turns back and yells "it took me three years to find a priest, how long do you think it will take to find a freaking lawyer!"
On their way to the Court they are blindsided by a truck and both are killed instantly. They are taken to the Pearly Gates where they meet Saint Peter.
Still determined to get married they ask Saint Peter if it would be possible to get married in heaven.
It was an unusual request, so Saint Peter tells them to wait, he will go check.
Three years pass, many people die, and finally Saint Peter returns.
"Yes," Peter tells them, "you can get married in heaven."
The man has spent the three years contemplating spending a literal eternity with this woman and is starting to have doubts. So he pulls Saint Peter aside.
"Hey," he says, "marriage is great and all, but what if it doesn't work out. Can I get a divorce?"
Peter looks at him, looks at the gates, turns back and yells "it took me three years to find a priest, how long do you think it will take to find a freaking lawyer!"
Nov 10th 2015, 9:07 am
#14
"Insert witty title here"
Thread Starter
Joined: Nov 2012
Location: dxb
Posts: 2,251
Re: The Morning Joke Thread
An Indian chief and a squaw were sitting around the fire one night talking.
The squaw asks, "Chief how do you come up with names for the new born babies?"
The chief says, "If there is a full moon out that night then I will name the baby Full Moon... if it is raining then I will name the baby rain. Why do you ask "two dogs shagging"?
The squaw asks, "Chief how do you come up with names for the new born babies?"
The chief says, "If there is a full moon out that night then I will name the baby Full Moon... if it is raining then I will name the baby rain. Why do you ask "two dogs shagging"?
Nov 11th 2015, 7:27 am
#15
"Insert witty title here"
Thread Starter
Joined: Nov 2012
Location: dxb
Posts: 2,251
Re: The Morning Joke Thread
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.."
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.."
