life's like that

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Old Jan 17th 2008, 5:02 pm
  #1  
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Default life's like that

Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the > > other sat next to him in the middle seat. Just
>before takeoff, an > > American sat down in the aisle seat. After
takeoff,
>the American kicked > > his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was
settling in
>when the Arab in the > > window seat said, "I need to get up and get a
>coke." > > > > "Don't get up," said the American, "I'm in the aisle
seat.
>I'll get it > > for you." As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked
up
>the American's > > shoe and spat in it. When he returned with the
coke, the
>other Arab > > said, "That looks good, I'd really like one, too."
Again,
>the American > > obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the
other
>Arab picked up > > his other shoe and spat in it. > > > > When the
American returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As > > the plane
was
>landing, the American slipped his feet into his shoes and > > knew
>immediately what had happened. "Why does it have to be this way?" > >
he
>asked. > > > > "How long must this go on? This fighting between our
>nations? This hatred? > > This animosity? This spitting in shoes and
>pissing in cokes."
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Old Jan 17th 2008, 5:25 pm
  #2  
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Default Re: life's like that

Originally Posted by the bat View Post
Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the > > other sat next to him in the middle seat. Just
>before takeoff, an > > American sat down in the aisle seat. After
takeoff,
>the American kicked > > his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was
settling in
>when the Arab in the > > window seat said, "I need to get up and get a
>coke." > > > > "Don't get up," said the American, "I'm in the aisle
seat.
>I'll get it > > for you." As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked
up
>the American's > > shoe and spat in it. When he returned with the
coke, the
>other Arab > > said, "That looks good, I'd really like one, too."
Again,
>the American > > obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the
other
>Arab picked up > > his other shoe and spat in it. > > > > When the
American returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As > > the plane
was
>landing, the American slipped his feet into his shoes and > > knew
>immediately what had happened. "Why does it have to be this way?" > >
he
>asked. > > > > "How long must this go on? This fighting between our
>nations? This hatred? > > This animosity? This spitting in shoes and
>pissing in cokes."
I take it The Dean has forwarded this to you...
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Old Jan 17th 2008, 5:27 pm
  #3  
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Default Re: life's like that

Originally Posted by Confucius View Post
I take it The Dean has forwarded this to you...
That was forwarded to me about ten years ago - with the instructions "Already Past Its Best - Do Not Forward".

What next?

"My wife's gone to the West Indies"
"Jamaica?"
"Yes"
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Old Jan 17th 2008, 5:33 pm
  #4  
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Default Re: life's like that

Originally Posted by Confucius View Post
I take it The Dean has forwarded this to you...
had it in the archives
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Old Jan 17th 2008, 5:33 pm
  #5  
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Default Re: life's like that

Originally Posted by The Dean View Post
That was forwarded to me about ten years ago - with the instructions "Already Past Its Best - Do Not Forward".

What next?

"My wife's gone to the West Indies"
"Jamaica?"
"Yes"
we cant all be glamour and fun.
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Old Jan 21st 2008, 8:58 pm
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Default Re: life's like that

Originally Posted by the bat View Post
Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the > > other sat next to him in the middle seat. Just
>before takeoff, an > > American sat down in the aisle seat. After
takeoff,
>the American kicked > > his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was
settling in
>when the Arab in the > > window seat said, "I need to get up and get a
>coke." > > > > "Don't get up," said the American, "I'm in the aisle
seat.
>I'll get it > > for you." As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked
up
>the American's > > shoe and spat in it. When he returned with the
coke, the
>other Arab > > said, "That looks good, I'd really like one, too."
Again,
>the American > > obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the
other
>Arab picked up > > his other shoe and spat in it. > > > > When the
American returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As > > the plane
was
>landing, the American slipped his feet into his shoes and > > knew
>immediately what had happened. "Why does it have to be this way?" > >
he
>asked. > > > > "How long must this go on? This fighting between our
>nations? This hatred? > > This animosity? This spitting in shoes and
>pissing in cokes."
PMSL
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Old Jan 21st 2008, 9:13 pm
  #7  
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Default Re: life's like that

Originally Posted by The Dean View Post
That was forwarded to me about ten years ago - with the instructions "Already Past Its Best - Do Not Forward".

What next?

"My wife's gone to the West Indies"
"Jamaica?"
"Yes"
Actually, my wife's FROM Jamaica. And no, I didn't.
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Old Jan 22nd 2008, 1:01 am
  #8  
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Default Re: life's like that

I heard a better joke today...

Cinderella
Cinderella is now 95 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead
prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from
her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship. One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.

Cinderella said, 'Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these
years'? The fairy godmother replied, 'Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary
life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?'

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish: 'The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor.I'm living hand to mouth on my disability cheques, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension. Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold. Cinderella said, 'Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother' The fairy godmother replied,'It is the least that I can do.What do you want for your second wish?'

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said,'I wish I were young and full
of the beauty and youth I once had.' At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had
been dormant for years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more:'You have one more wish; what shall it be?' Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, 'I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man.' Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

The fairy godmother said, 'Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life.'With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.

For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen. Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered...'Bet you're sorry now that you cut my nuts off'.
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Old Jan 22nd 2008, 1:38 am
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Default Re: life's like that

Buy my favourite joke at the moment is this one...

Why I had to fire my secretary


Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday."

I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... They will remember.

My kids came bounding downstairs to breakfast and didn't say a word.

So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said: "Good Morning Boss, and by the way happy birthday!"

It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said: "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me."

I said: "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go.

She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said: "You know, It's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?"

I responded: "I guess not. What do you have in mind?"

She said: "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said: "Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back."

"Ok," I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake, followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".

And I just sat there...

On the sofa...

Naked.
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Old Jan 22nd 2008, 2:07 am
  #10  
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Default Re: life's like that

Originally Posted by Sam FTQ View Post
Buy my favourite joke at the moment is this one...

Why I had to fire my secretary


Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday."

I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... They will remember.

My kids came bounding downstairs to breakfast and didn't say a word.

So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said: "Good Morning Boss, and by the way happy birthday!"

It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said: "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me."

I said: "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go.

She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said: "You know, It's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?"

I responded: "I guess not. What do you have in mind?"

She said: "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said: "Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back."

"Ok," I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake, followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".

And I just sat there...

On the sofa...

Naked.
Nah...... sorry, but the Cinderella one is way better........... plus I hadn't heard/read it before - always a plus in my book..........
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Old Jan 22nd 2008, 8:45 am
  #11  
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Default Re: life's like that

Stop stop stop PMSL again!!!
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Old Jan 22nd 2008, 9:19 am
  #12  
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Default Re: life's like that

The Wee Boy's Birthday Present

The wee boy is in the scullery with his mum.
Wee boy: Mum, can I have a bicycle for my birthday?
Mum: No, no son, a bicycle's too dear, we cannae afford one just now.
Wee boy: But, mum, all my pals have a bicycle and I want one too.
Mum: No, son and that's that, so now go away and play.

[Wee boy has a tantrum and begins to cry and cry, so his mum tries to console him]

Mum: Look son, we just cannae afford a bicycle, so there's no use crying. Anyway, let's play a game to take your mind of it.

Wee boy: Okay then, can we play mummies and daddies?

Mum (slightly perplexed) : Okay son but how do you play it?

Wee boy: Well, you go upstairs and lie on the bed and I'll pretend to be Dad, then I'll come up and see you.

[So the mother goes upstairs to her bedroom and awaits the arrival of her son. Meanwhile, the son puts on his oversized father's shoes and starts to climb the stairs...clump...clump..clump!]

Wee boy (halfway up the stairs) shouts out: Now you can take all your clothes off and just lie back on the bed and open your legs.

Mum (now totally perplexed and wondering who has been teaching her son such lurid games, naturally keeps her clothes and awaits her son).

Wee boy (still pretending to be his father, kicks open the bedroom door and stomps up to his mother) shouts out loud: Will you get down the stairs this very minute and buy our wee boy a bicycle !

My sister told me that one - probably sounds better spoken and in a Scottish accent.
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Old Jan 22nd 2008, 6:25 pm
  #13  
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Default Re: life's like that

Originally Posted by MacScot View Post
The Wee Boy's Birthday Present

The wee boy is in the scullery with his mum.
Wee boy: Mum, can I have a bicycle for my birthday?
Mum: No, no son, a bicycle's too dear, we cannae afford one just now.
Wee boy: But, mum, all my pals have a bicycle and I want one too.
Mum: No, son and that's that, so now go away and play.

[Wee boy has a tantrum and begins to cry and cry, so his mum tries to console him]

Mum: Look son, we just cannae afford a bicycle, so there's no use crying. Anyway, let's play a game to take your mind of it.

Wee boy: Okay then, can we play mummies and daddies?

Mum (slightly perplexed) : Okay son but how do you play it?

Wee boy: Well, you go upstairs and lie on the bed and I'll pretend to be Dad, then I'll come up and see you.

[So the mother goes upstairs to her bedroom and awaits the arrival of her son. Meanwhile, the son puts on his oversized father's shoes and starts to climb the stairs...clump...clump..clump!]

Wee boy (halfway up the stairs) shouts out: Now you can take all your clothes off and just lie back on the bed and open your legs.

Mum (now totally perplexed and wondering who has been teaching her son such lurid games, naturally keeps her clothes and awaits her son).

Wee boy (still pretending to be his father, kicks open the bedroom door and stomps up to his mother) shouts out loud: Will you get down the stairs this very minute and buy our wee boy a bicycle !

My sister told me that one - probably sounds better spoken and in a Scottish accent.
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