scrubbedexpat141

No, not a discussion on reincarnation.

Shit week last week in the UK again, unfortunately involved the cremation of my Step-Mum (who's fulfilled that role pretty well for 20+ years. We might not have always agreed or got on perfectly and I thought she was pretty stupid a lot of the time but fundamentally she always looked out for me and my Dad worshiped her).

What do you say to a parent who is left after the other dies?

The build up to the funeral is the easy bit, it's raw and you're surrounded by family and have a focus etc.

Once that's done and people go back to normal life, the parent is left on their own. They are facing what can be a miserable existence. How do you, from a long distance, look out for/ after them? What the **** can you say or do to help? Other than ring and chat and try to 'be there' there seems the square root of **** all available for you to do?

Not really sure why I'm sharing this with you bunch of weirdos, but it happens to families all the time and one of you might have an idea of something different for me to use over the coming period.

OriginalSunshine

No idea. My monster in law became a total psychotic bitch (I think she has had a genuine breakdown) after the rapid deaths of her best friend's husband, her best friend, her mother in law, her brother and then her husband. She refuses to seek counselling though, and is now incredibly difficult to be with.

Sorry.

NorthernLad

Sorry to hear the bad news. Maybe fly him over here for a few weeks, change of scenery and gives you'peace of mind seeing him in the morning / after work knowing he's ok? My worry when this happens (and sadly it will ) is that the remaining parent will spend the initial first days/weeks alone at home.

OriginalSunshine

But if anyone agnostic/atheist knows what to say without lying to a 7year old with existential angst about dying and not existing anymore, I'd love to know!

UKCityGent

Sorry to hear about your step-mother.

Only thing you can do is be there for him - either phone or visits. Really depends on his character.

scrubbedexpat141

Thanks

I asked him twice to come and he said he would, but wasn't going to commit to when. Finally he suggested mid-September. We'll see, he said he will come so he will but just a case of when.

He's still got lots to sort now he's back in Greece, but as you say - it kills me to think he's on his own now.

He's a tough nut but also a massive softie. He's sensible and logical and says that 'this happens to people all the time and they get through it so he can'.

I've just emailed him (don't want to wake him) to thank him for last week and tell him I'm here, so will just let him come to me a bit and not bother him too much, whilst making sure he knows I am here.

shiva

Thats pretty much all you can do mate, there is no magical solution or cure to the situation. Letting him know how you feel, including helpless and letting him know you are there is all you can do. Perhaps speak more often if you can but short of that there is as you say **** all else that can be done.
Sorry on many levels

shiva

The truth. It's the very nature of the human condition so make what you can of life while you can. Its not a new issue, they are not the 1st to feel that way and so on.

Patsy Stoned

I'm so sorry for your loss darling xx
My darling mummy died 2 months ago and it is so hard.. but the support of my friends has been amazing, just knowing that they are there if I need to chat, skype is a wonderful thing. If they don't hear from me for a couple of days, they call or text, it means a lot knowing that there are people who care :-D

So, just keep in touch with him, a text each day, an email... it really does help xxx

scrubbedexpat141

Sorry to hear Patsy.

It sounds like I'm doing all I can, just dislike the helpless feeling.

OriginalSunshine

yeah, well, helpless is what we are when faced with another's grief.

can you go on a surprise weekend trip once in a while, just to do "stuff" and take his mind away?

Irishbeekeeper

my commiserations...to the both of you
time my friend, it is a friend as well as a foe
right now it will be yours and his friend as after some of it is gone, the grief sort of fades away
dont wait for him to purchase the tickets, would be my opinion, just make the bookings for when he says he wants to travel and maybe travel down to where he is to accompany him on the trip..would be a good supporting gesture I guess

Pongo

Send him a letter, written on decent paper.

Alexa

Sorry to hear that Scamp. The only thing to add for me would be to talk to his friends...to make sure they keep you informed about how he is doing.

Meow

Rotten news and so hard for your dad.

As others have said probably the most you can do is be available to him and make sure he knows he isn't alone. You are so right when you say that it's after a funeral that it become harder to bear.

Keep dropping him a line, make phone calls and perhaps make a plan to meet up in the next couple of months. Many people also find it extra hard at times like Christmas so make sure he isn't alone then.

xx