commander

My ex-girlfriend had a tattoo of a sea shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it, I swear you can smell the ocean.

commander

What's the difference between a British and an Iraqi soldier?

Don't know?

Welcome to the United States Air Force, son!

Roadking

Yank's Diary in Dubai

April 31st:
Just got transferred to work and live in beautiful Dubai, UAE! WOW!!! Now this is a city that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. It's like New York City minus all the crocks, murderers, and drunks. What a place! I watched the sunset from a deck chair on my beautiful bedroom veranda. It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.

May 13th:
Really heating up. Got to 95 degrees today. Not a problem. Live in an air- conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car, and everything is fully air-conditioned. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshiper.

May 30th:
Had the backyard landscaped with tropical plants today around the our lovely pool. Lots of palms and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here. Heat is
no problem at all.

June 10th:
The temperature hasn't been below 95 all week even during the night. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least today it's kind of windy though. But getting used to the heat is taking longer than I expected.

July 15th:
Fell asleep by the pool. Got 3rd degree burns over 90% of my body. Missed 5 days of work. What a dumb thing to do in this lovely city. I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

July 20th:
I missed Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left to the office this morning. By the time I got to the hot car for my lunch break, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stank up the $60,000 Audi. I told the kids that she ran away. The car now smells like Wiskettes and cat sh*t. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat.

July 25th:
The wind sucks. It feels like a giant *****ing hair dryer in here!! And it's hot as hell. The home air-conditioner died. The *****ing AC repairman charged 500 Dirhams just to drive over and tell me it was broken in *****ing Hindu English or something that I couldn't understand.

July 30th:
Air conditioner still broken. Been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now because it is 7000 *****ing degrees inside. Bloody 2,000,000 Dirhams house and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?
***** the sun. ***** the wind. ***** the freakin' ocean. And *****ing locals walk around dressed in white tablecloths followed by little black ninjas. *****ing crazy town.

August 4th:
It's 114 ******ng degrees today. Finally got the ol' air-conditioner fixed. It cost 2,000 ******ng Dirhams and got the temperature down to 25, but the *****ing humidity makes the house feel 30 *****ing Dubai degrees.
Stupid terrorist repairman. I hate this stupid ******ng place.

August 8th:
If another local wiseass cracks, "Hot enough for you today?" I'm going to ******ng whack him all the way back to his Goddamn desert. ******ng Dubai; by the time I get to work with all that *****ing traffic and heat, the car's radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like a baked cat!!

August 9th:
Tried to run some errands today because it is *****ing Friday. Wore shorts and sat on the black leather seats in my Audi. The seat was so *****ing hot I thought my ass was on fire. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and my *****ing ass. Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried *ss, and baked cat.

August 10th:
The weather report might as well be a *****ing recording. Hot, humid and *****ing sunny. Hot, humid and *****ing sunny. Hot, humid and *****ing sunny. It's been too hot to do anything for 2 damn months and the
weatherman dude wearing the *****ing white tablecloth on TV says it might really warm up next week. Does it ever rain in this damn *****ing place? What is next, a *****ing hell freezing over wave?

August 14th:
WELCOME TO HELL!!! Temperature got to 120 today. Now the air-conditioner's gone in my *****ing Audi. The *****ing Audi serviceman said, "Hot enough for you today?" ***** him and ***** Audi. My wife had to spend 7,000 Dirham to bail my *ss out of jail for assaulting that stupid *****ing Paki b*stard wiseass. ***** Dubai ! What kind of a sick demented *****ing idiot would want to live in this sh*t hole?

August 15th:
***** this place. I'm off back to the New York.

commander

My dog jumped in the washing machine yesterday. Don't worry, at least he died in comfort.





A survey has shown that smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.





My grandad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed.

"It's worth spending money on good speakers," he told me.

Roadking

The result of PC...

Charismatic

More effort needed, here is a nice mild one:

"I've just been involved in a road accident, I ran into 3 asians, one went through my windscreen, the 2nd dented my bonnet and the 3rd one flew 200 yards up the road...

The Police have been brilliant, ones been charged with breaking and entering, another for criminal damage and the last one for leaving the scene of an accident."

Now that's a propperly offensive joke .

Now what about what I would imagine to be the BNP's favorite joke:

A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute refugee claimant outside the London immigration offices.

'My good man,' the fairy said, 'I've been told to grant you three wishes, since you just arrived in England with your wife and three children.'

The man told the fairy. 'Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.'



The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and -- PING! -- he had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!

'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two more to go.'

The refugee claimant now got bolder. 'I need a big house with a three car garage in Knightsbridge with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my refugee relatives who still live in my country. I want to bring them all over here.'

PING! - In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ and swimming pool in an upmarket neighbourhood.

'One more wish', said the fairy, waving her wand. 'Yes, one more wish.'

'I want to be like an Englishman with English clothes instead of manjams, and a baseball cap instead of this turban. And I want to have white skin like an Englishman.'


PING! - The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans, a Chelsea T-shirt and baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had
disappeared from the horizon.

'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed. 'Where is my new house?'


The fairy said 'Tough luck, now that you are English, you have to fend for yourself.'


And she disappeared!

MacScot

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my father. Not screaming in terror like his passengers.

MacScot

With some BE members...they can dish it out but can't take it !
One-armed waiters...they can take it but they can't dish it out !

Sorry about the one-armed waiters joke...I've got nothing against disabled people, I've even got one of their stickers on my car !

Charismatic

A massive explosion in Slough has caused millions of pounds worth of improvements.

I hear from an inside source though that the Mars bar production plant was spared, praise the lord/allah/his noodlyness.

Roadking

Two Pakistani fellows have newly arrived in London. Sitting in a bar they make a challenge to each other; in one year they will meet up again and the winner will be the chap that is most likely to fit in in the UK.

12 months later they meet up in the same bar. The first chap says in a perfect south London accent; "OK, mate, I've been in London for 12 months, got me own pad, working wif the council, married to a beautiful English girl and have our first kid on the way. I think that means I win."

The second guy looked the first up and down and with a sneer and, with an audible threat to his voice, said "**** off you pakky bastard or I'll kick your ****ing head in!"

Roadking

Was in my car yesterday when I accidently collided with another car.

Guy that got out the car was a dwarf!

Came storming up to me and said "I'm not happy!"

I said "Which one are you then?"

Charismatic

Return of th "sick puppy" :

Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they were starting to get on each others nerves.

One morning the first friend says, "You know, we're starting to annoy each other. Why don't we split up today? I'll hike north and spend the day looking round; you hike south and spend the day as you want. Then tonight, we'll have dinner and share our experiences over the camp fire."

The second friend agrees and sets off south. The first man hikes north.

That night over dinner, the first man tells his story. "Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat and dried out, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated overhead all day. How was your day?"

The second friend says, "I went south and ran across a set of railway tracks. I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off, and gently lifted her off the tracks and we had sex in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally when I was so tired I could hardly move, I came back to camp."

"Wow!!" the first guy exclaimed, "Your day was MUCH better than mine. Did you get a blow job, too?"

"Nah," says the second friend over his meal, "I looked everywhere, but I couldn't find her head."

commander

I called that Rape Advice Line earlier today.

Unfortunately, it's only for victims.

commander

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said "morning."
He replied, "No, just having a shit."

MissDemeanor

How do you remember so many jokes?!...im complete crap at that.

..very funny by the way!