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the fabulous peter kay...

the fabulous peter kay...

Old May 22nd 2008, 4:22 am
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Default the fabulous peter kay...

...ok, i pinched these one liners from another chat board, but they have made me chuckle this morning, i think peter kay is completely hilarious...

1) I saw a fat woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said 'Thyroid problem?'

2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

3) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.

4) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.

5) I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

6) A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.

7) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! >From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.

8) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

9) Sex is like playing bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

10) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'

11) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?

12) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

13) You know that look women get when they want sex? No, me neither

14) Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living.

15) I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

16) Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before

MM, xx
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Old May 22nd 2008, 4:28 am
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Default Re: the fabulous peter kay...

I absolutely LOVE Peter Kay.
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Old May 22nd 2008, 4:31 am
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Default Re: the fabulous peter kay...

Originally Posted by Madam Medusa View Post
...ok, i pinched these one liners from another chat board, but they have made me chuckle this morning, i think peter kay is completely hilarious...

1) I saw a fat woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said 'Thyroid problem?'

2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

3) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.

4) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.

5) I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

6) A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.

7) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! >From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.

8) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

9) Sex is like playing bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

10) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'

11) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?

12) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

13) You know that look women get when they want sex? No, me neither

14) Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living.

15) I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

16) Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before

MM, xx
Yes I'm a fan of Peter Kay too (although I think one or two of those are Two Ronnies lines, but no matter).

He has a great warmth and rapport with the audience. In fact who is there doing stand-up these days that is in his class? Not many. (It's a dying art anyway I think).

His wedding reception routine is one of the funniest performances I can ever remember seeing.

I just wish he'd occasionally take a huge risk - and play a few shows outside a 30-mile radius of his home town (Bolton) though.

"I phoned up a take-away restaurant and said Do you deliver?"
"No", they said. "We do chicken beef and lamb....."
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Old May 22nd 2008, 4:34 am
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Default Re: the fabulous peter kay...

Phoenix Nights is one of my favourites! Brian "ironside" Potter! Class.
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Old May 22nd 2008, 4:37 am
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Default Re: the fabulous peter kay...

Originally Posted by The Dean View Post
Yes I'm a fan of Peter Kay too (although I think one or two of those are Two Ronnies lines, but no matter).

He has a great warmth and rapport with the audience. In fact who is there doing stand-up these days that is in his class? Not many. (It's a dying art anyway I think).

His wedding reception routine is one of the funniest performances I can ever remember seeing.

I just wish he'd occasionally take a huge risk - and play a few shows outside a 30-mile radius of his home town (Bolton) though.

"I phoned up a take-away restaurant and said Do you deliver?"
"No", they said. "We do chicken beef and lamb....."
he's a real home boy, i guess...but yeah, i wish he would perform here...

the wedding reception sketch is hilarious, here you go...



MM, xx
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Old May 22nd 2008, 5:15 am
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Default Re: the fabulous peter kay...

Originally Posted by Madam Medusa View Post
...ok, i pinched these one liners from another chat board, but they have made me chuckle this morning, i think peter kay is completely hilarious...
This is the same style as Chic Murray (before your time):

1) I met this chap at the Olympics. I said to him, "Excuse me but are you a pole vaulter?", he replied,"No, I'm German, but how did you know my name was Walter."

2) I admit to spending a fortune on women, booze and gambling. The rest I spend foolishly.

3) So I gave him a wave. Actually, it was more of a half wave, because I only half know him.

4) What use is happiness? It can't buy you money.

5) I met this cowboy with a brown paper hat, paper waistcoat and paper trousers. He was wanted for rustling.

6) If something's neither here nor there, where the hell is it?

7) My wife went to a beauty parlour and got a mudpack. For two days she looked nice, then the mud fell off.

8) I rang the bell of this small bed-and breakfast place, whereupon a lady appeared at an outside window. "What do you want?", she asked. "I want to stay here", I replied. "Well, stay there then", she said and closed the window.

9) My father was a simple man. My mother was a simple woman. You see the result standing in front of you, a simpleton.

10) I won't say I was slow developer, but our teacher was quite pleased to have someone her own age in the class to talk to.

11) You know what they say about stamp collecting. Philately will get you nowhere.

12) Visiting London, Chic was asked by a stranger, "Do you know the Battersea dog's home?". He replied, "I didn't even know it was away."

13) The police stopped me when I was out in my car. They told me it was a spot check. I admitted to two pimples and a boil.
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Old May 22nd 2008, 5:21 am
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Default Re: the fabulous peter kay...

Originally Posted by MacScot View Post
This is the same style as Chic Murray (before your time):

1) I met this chap at the Olympics. I said to him, "Excuse me but are you a pole vaulter?", he replied,"No, I'm German, but how did you know my name was Walter."

2) I admit to spending a fortune on women, booze and gambling. The rest I spend foolishly.

3) So I gave him a wave. Actually, it was more of a half wave, because I only half know him.

4) What use is happiness? It can't buy you money.

5) I met this cowboy with a brown paper hat, paper waistcoat and paper trousers. He was wanted for rustling.

6) If something's neither here nor there, where the hell is it?

7) My wife went to a beauty parlour and got a mudpack. For two days she looked nice, then the mud fell off.

8) I rang the bell of this small bed-and breakfast place, whereupon a lady appeared at an outside window. "What do you want?", she asked. "I want to stay here", I replied. "Well, stay there then", she said and closed the window.

9) My father was a simple man. My mother was a simple woman. You see the result standing in front of you, a simpleton.

10) I won't say I was slow developer, but our teacher was quite pleased to have someone her own age in the class to talk to.

11) You know what they say about stamp collecting. Philately will get you nowhere.

12) Visiting London, Chic was asked by a stranger, "Do you know the Battersea dog's home?". He replied, "I didn't even know it was away."

13) The police stopped me when I was out in my car. They told me it was a spot check. I admitted to two pimples and a boil.

Before her time???!!!??? You attempting flattery again, MS????
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Old May 22nd 2008, 5:23 am
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Default Re: the fabulous peter kay...

Originally Posted by MissDemeanor View Post
I absolutely LOVE Peter Kay.
my mate went to uni with him, and I know a lad who toured with him - apparently he's a total [email protected], takes himself really seriously and literally shouts at people on set.

I was very disappointed in that.
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Old May 22nd 2008, 5:24 am
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Default Re: the fabulous peter kay...

one of the funniest guys on the planet IMHO
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Old May 22nd 2008, 5:24 am
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Default Re: the fabulous peter kay...

Originally Posted by ScotsExpat View Post
Before her time???!!!??? You attempting flattery again, MS????
It was the 60s !!!
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Old May 22nd 2008, 5:31 am
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Default Re: the fabulous peter kay...

Funniest sketch EVER....

Bill Connolly - The Crucifixion.....

If you can watch/listen to that and NOT laugh, you are dead, simple as that..
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Old May 22nd 2008, 5:38 am
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Default Re: the fabulous peter kay...

Originally Posted by Spugsy View Post
my mate went to uni with him, and I know a lad who toured with him - apparently he's a total [email protected], takes himself really seriously and literally shouts at people on set.

I was very disappointed in that.
Uni?? According to his auto, he was at a higher ed college doing a two-year performing arts course.......... then he entered a talent competition, beat Johnny Vegas into second place, and off he went on his comedy career.......
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Old May 22nd 2008, 5:44 am
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hmmmm...nice
 
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Default Re: the fabulous peter kay...

Originally Posted by Madam Medusa View Post
he's a real home boy, i guess...but yeah, i wish he would perform here...

the wedding reception sketch is hilarious, here you go...

http://youtube.com/watch?v=CA0q_vkeoDA

MM, xx
very disturbing to watch...seems like the Dutch and the British are not so different from each other...
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Old May 22nd 2008, 5:51 am
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Default Re: the fabulous peter kay...

Originally Posted by The Dean View Post
Uni?? According to his auto, he was at a higher ed college doing a two-year performing arts course.......... then he entered a talent competition, beat Johnny Vegas into second place, and off he went on his comedy career.......
salford uni I think.
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Old May 22nd 2008, 5:51 am
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Default Re: the fabulous peter kay...

Originally Posted by MataHari View Post
very disturbing to watch...seems like the Dutch and the British are not so different from each other...
aww...we already knew that doll...!

MM, xx
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