flares

A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.

Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."

Vet: "Is it a tom?"

Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us."

.............................. .............................. .........................

A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to
have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.


Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"

Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"

Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bugger!"

.............................. .............................. ......................

Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha
sell arse cream?"

Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"

Meow

Love it.

I'm married to a Yorkshireman, albeit one who is quite posh considering where he comes from and is intelligible, but I've been to places where they make less sense than those jokes. I swear some of them need subtitles.

littlejimmy

Paracletus

Q: What is a Yorkshiremans favorite mobile?
A: T mobile

ahhhh.....

littlejimmy

The band "The The" never went down very well in Yorkshire.

General Tojo

The mardy Dewsbury native I knew from college days would always doubt what others said and utter "Aye, wi' t' cock ahrrt" - were that Yorkshire or just him being a complete twat?

paca

Its Yawksha

Sandboy

why is it the first thing they ever tell you is where they're from ?

"I'm from Yorkshire...."

we can tell by your stupid accent man

danglydavis

Thou Bob owes our Bob a bob,......

mentalist

Eh?

OleJanx

As in "Thon is allus on T' Mobile, lad"

Bahtatboy

Apropos nothing much:

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a Pleasant little picnic by the River Seine.

It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says, ' Pierre , kiss me!'

Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.'What are you doing, Pierre ?' says the startled Marie.

'I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red Wine!' She smiles and they start kissing.

Things began to heat up a little and Marie says, ' Pierre , kiss me lower.'

Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and pours it on her breasts. ' Pierre! What are you doing now?' asks the bewildered Marie.

'I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white Wine!'

She giggles and they resume their passionate interlude. Marie then leans close to his ear and whispers, ' Pierre, kiss me much lower!'

Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it over her "privates"...
He then strikes a match and lights the cognac on fire.

Marie shrieks and dives into the River Seine.

Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms into the air and screams furiously,

' PIERRE , WHAT THE F#@K DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?'

Our hero stands and says defiantly,

'I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot!

If I go down, I go down in flames!'

jackthehat

The Yorkshire Moon-Sighting Committee!


Chairman Bert Williams (T’Mullah): Lads! Lads! Now then lads, lets bring T’Committee t’order! Can thou mek it a short one toneet as t’bar opens in 15 minutes, in’t shallah!

Bert: Usual Order of Business for T’Lunar Observation Committee.

Abdul: Can thou tell Brass Band (next door) to ‘keep lid on it’ as I can’t hear a bloody thing, thou knows!

Bert: Ney, ney, ney Abdul! They’re practicing f’t Th’Eid Piss-Up tomorrow neet! — We’ll just have to SHOUT ‘THOU KNOWS!’

Any road . . . Did anyone see T’t Lunar Orb last neet?

All: WHAT?

Bert : T’t MOON ya Daft Bastards !

All: Oh, reet! T’t Moon!

Abdul: Sorry Bert I were watching Corrie Omnibus, thou knows, and by time I remembered, I were too pissed to get out of’t ****ing Chair!

Ali: I were walking me Whippet but saw nowt! — It were too cloudy!

Ahmed: I were on nightshift down’t pit! I looked up shaft, but could see nowt f’t leets.

Bert: How about thee Mo?

Mohammad: I had too much Iftar, thou knows, and fell asleep on’t couch!

Asif: Me misses thought she saw it, as I was shagging her on’t Park Bench!

Bert : Ney, ney, lads, we cant take women’s word for it!

Mohammad: Why dunt we do what we’ve done f’t last 20 years, and ask ‘Accrington’ if they’ve sin it yet.

Bert: Good Idea Mo! — Reet then . . .

(. . . Calls Accrington)

Bert: Hello, is that Stan? Accie LOC Mullah?

Stan: Eye ‘appen who’s this on’t phone.

Bert: It’s me Bert T’Mullah from Brighouse and Rastrick Lunar Observation Committee. Have thou seen t’moon yet?

Stan: We've moved thou knows! We are now in USA!

Bert: What gooin off lad? - USA?

Stan: Aye Uther Side of Accrington! - But aye I saw it on me way home from’t Chippie last neet, thou knows, hamdullilah! - Pennines must have got in't way thou knows!

Bert: Bugger! We’ve lost t’days holiday! Ta Stan, and tarra for now! — Well lads, T’Lunar Orb has been observed in Accie! - And USA

All: WHAT?

Bert : T’MOON ya Daft Bastards! — Reet Lads, Meeting Adjourned! — Fancy a pint lads?

All: AYE !

Mohammad: Aye me mouths as dry as a Badger's Chuff after all this fasting malarlkey!

Bahtatboy

That be orright be that, lad. Reet grand

flares

Emerdale, not Corrie, Jack!