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Cheer Up, It's the joke thread. All contributions welcome

Cheer Up, It's the joke thread. All contributions welcome

Old Oct 5th 2009, 8:59 am
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Default Cheer Up, It's the joke thread. All contributions welcome

Perhaps a good idea, perhaps not. I will kick off with a few contributions, and hopefully it will stay alive. Suggest that it includes jokes, and links to anything amusing and entertaining...
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Old Oct 5th 2009, 8:59 am
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Default Re: Cheer Up, It's the joke thread. All contributions welcome

I thought this was rather amusing. Will have to try it at home.

http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=264408660245
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Old Oct 5th 2009, 9:00 am
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Default Re: Cheer Up, It's the joke thread. All contributions welcome

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of You b*****ds who want off, get off now, 'cos we're in a hurry! And all of you b*****ds who are getting on, get on now, 'cos we're going down the tracks'.

The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.'

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, 'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.
We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.'

She hears the little boy continue,

'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train.
We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.'

As the mother began to smile, the child added...........

'For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat controller in the kitchen.
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Old Oct 5th 2009, 9:07 am
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Default Re: Cheer Up, It's the joke thread. All contributions welcome

Does anyone know where I can register to become a sex offender?
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Old Oct 5th 2009, 9:12 am
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Default Re: Cheer Up, It's the joke thread. All contributions welcome

A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.

Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."

"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her ****ing appendix out!"
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Old Oct 5th 2009, 9:17 am
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Default Re: Cheer Up, It's the joke thread. All contributions welcome

Son asked his mother the following question:

'Mum, why are wedding dresses white?' The mother looks at her son and replies:

'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'

The son thanks his Mum and goes off to double-check this with his father.

'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'

The father looks at his son in surprise and says:


'Son, all household appliances come in white.'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

And a beautiful Scottish love poem....

A' coorse ah love ye darlin'
Ye're a bloody top notch burd.
An' when ah say ye're gorgeous
Ah mean iv'ry single word.
So yer bum is oan the big side
Ah don't mind a bit o flab.
It means that whin ah'm ready
There's somethin' therr tae grab.
So yer belly isny flat nae merr
Ah tell ye, ah don't cerr.
So long as when ah cuddle ye
I cin get mah erms roon' therr.
Nae wummin wha is your age
Hiz nice roon' perky breasts..
They jist gave in tae gravity
Bit ah know ye did yer best.
Ah'm tellin ye the truth noo
Ah nivir tell ye lies.
Ah think its very sexy
Thit ye've goat dimples oan yer thighs.
Ah swerr oan mah grannies grave noo
The moment thit we met.
Ah thocht ye wiz as guid as
Ah wiz ivir goanie get.
Nae maitter whit ye look like
Ah'll aywiz love ye dear...
Noo shut up while the fitba's oan
An' fetch anither beer
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Old Oct 5th 2009, 9:19 am
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Default Re: Cheer Up, It's the joke thread. All contributions welcome

A 17 year-old girl tells her mum that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the chemist and buys a pregnancy test. The test is positive. Shouting, swearing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the bastard that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father and the mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a £2,000,000 bank account."

He continues: "If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a £4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and £2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him "You shag her again..."
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Old Oct 5th 2009, 9:21 am
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Default Re: Cheer Up, It's the joke thread. All contributions welcome

And the last for today....

A man was going out with a 40 stone fat woman.One night they got amorous and started having it off in the bedroom.
After about 5 minutes he asks her "Would you mind if I turned the light off?"
"Why" she replys "do you find me that repulsive?"
"No" he says "The lightbulbs burning my arse."
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Old Oct 5th 2009, 9:26 am
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Default Re: Cheer Up, It's the joke thread. All contributions welcome

Top Tip for Dyslexics:

Try deliberately spelling words wrongly. This way, at least you have a chance of spelling them correctly.
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Old Oct 5th 2009, 9:26 am
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Default Re: Cheer Up, It's the joke thread. All contributions welcome

My cocks so big, when I lie it on the keyboard it goes:

qwertyuiop
asdfghjkl;
zxcvbnm,.

unfortunately, I'm writing this on an iphone.
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Old Oct 5th 2009, 9:39 am
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Default Re: Cheer Up, It's the joke thread. All contributions welcome

Originally Posted by commander View Post
My cocks so big, when I lie it on the keyboard it goes:

qwertyuiop
asdfghjkl;
zxcvbnm,.

unfortunately, I'm writing this on an iphone.
Well...if it was an iPhone you can't get "qwerty"

'Tis more likely to be "abcdef" but then, if you did get 'qwerty' ...could be the results of your penile warts hitting the keys

Last edited by MacScot; Oct 5th 2009 at 10:12 am.
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Old Oct 5th 2009, 9:40 am
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Default Re: Cheer Up, It's the joke thread. All contributions welcome

A snippet from the Herald:

A Glasgow man was picking up his wife from her friend’s house and found himself sitting in the car for ages as the two woman continued to gab at the front door. When his wife eventually joined him in the car, and he pointed out that they were now running late, she replied: "It’s not my fault. She wouldn’t stop listening to me."
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Old Oct 5th 2009, 9:45 am
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Default Re: Cheer Up, It's the joke thread. All contributions welcome

He: Darling, what would you do if I win at the lottery?

She: I'll grab half and disappear

He: Perfect, I've won £12. Here is half, now pi55 off!
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Old Oct 5th 2009, 6:26 pm
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Default Re: Cheer Up, It's the joke thread. All contributions welcome

Try out Wulffmorgenthaler, new strip once a day and they are hilarious. Some strips might not be safe for work so be careful.

www. wulffmorgenthaler. com
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Old Oct 6th 2009, 2:11 am
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Default Re: Cheer Up, It's the joke thread. All contributions welcome

Originally Posted by MacScot View Post
A snippet from the Herald:

A Glasgow man was picking up his wife from her friend’s house and found himself sitting in the car for ages as the two woman continued to gab at the front door. When his wife eventually joined him in the car, and he pointed out that they were now running late, she replied: "It’s not my fault. She wouldn’t stop listening to me."
so typical of Glasgow wummin..
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